Relationship, Step kid, moving in - Am I being Unreasonable?

Runningfast

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

However, it puzzles me that this issue has been in the air for several weeks and you have only bought your house in the last couple of months, why you should've chosen to buy somewhere so far from where your girlfriend's mother lives. It strikes me that,if you'd been truly committed to making this work, you would have bought a property in a more convenient area even if it meant a smaller house or possibly a flat.

Too late now, obviously, but it does add weight to many people's view that your heart really isn't in the idea of this new family unit.

Page 1 post 12 or 13 might give some clues.

Tabbytabitha

Runningfast wrote: »

Page 1 post 12 or 13 might give some clues.

Which is why I mentioned the possible need to buy a smaller house or even a flat.

To deliberately buy a property in an area which will make the next stage of this relationship virtually untenable seems to me to illustrate a lack of commitment to moving forward with this woman and a reason for reconsidering it.

UplandHigh

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

Which is why I mentioned the possible need to buy a smaller house or even a flat.

To deliberately buy a property in an area which will make the next stage of this relationship virtually untenable seems to me to illustrate a lack of commitment to moving forward with this woman and a reason for reconsidering it.

Merry Christmas all.

Just to answer your assumptions,

A flat was ruled out by both of us as I lived in a flat until recently and sold it. She used to live in a flat also I and her hated flat living due to the lack of outdoor space.

The house was chosen for many reasons including budget. My partner visited all properties with me and chose together. From a family point of view going forward it was best set up as it would give us a very useable garden and 3 bedrooms. Her current terrace is only 2 bedrooms and she wanted 3. I did not buy the house in isolation like you seem to want to portray this is the house she wanted also. I am not a selfish !!!!! the house was purchased with moving forward and a family in mind.

The house also gives her other benefits in that it puts her closer to work without needing to drive on the motorway as she currently does and hates. It puts her near to her sister (though her sister can't baby sit for various reasons not going in to that one). It puts us within walking distance to a train station and direct less than 20 minutes on public transport in to the city centre. It puts me within in a reasonable commute to my mothers (less than an hour) it puts me close to my main office and less than an hour commute to office no.2. From my partners current location office no.1 is about 40 mins away and office no.2 is about 1hr 20mins (Those times are none rush hour) . It gives me very easy access to the motorway network as I drive it a lot in my job on call outs. Like I say lots of reasons why we chose this house as it benefits both of us. I did not just pick a house to suit me she was very much involved in the purchase.

Have a good day.

FBaby

Really the issue here is thst between the two of you you work more hours than the average family with children. Your working life suited you when work was everything for you.

As things are it is not goingvto work so you need to sit down, talk of was possibilities and the outcome for each and move in together inky when you've worked it out. There is no right or wrong but if yoiu can't work something out that will make you both happy then this relationship will go nowhere.

NeilCr

FBaby wrote: »

As things are it is not goingvto work so you need to sit down, talk of was possibilities and the outcome for each and move in together inky when you've worked it out. There is no right or wrong but if yoiu can't work something out that will make you both happy then this relationship will go nowhere.

Yes. This.

In answer to the original question I don’t think it is unreasonable to expect some time to yourself. Indeed, it is healthy.

But, you need to talk. I must admit I am surprised that you haven’t had the conversation already. You’ve been together for a while, have been planning ahead ( see your last post) and are taking a major step towards the future. Yet, this clearly important and contentious issue seems to have been bypassed.

I think FBaby is right. Unless you talk about it openly now I’d worry about the lngevity of your relationship

Merry Christmas and I hope the bike is all the your partner’s son wanted

PeacefulWaters

For what it's worth, as a step dad, there might be a very rewarding parental relationship coming your way.

But I do think you need to nail down the finances of your other half. It's wishy washy and creates an impression that you're being taken for a ride.

And for what it's worth I think she should be ensuring real Dad pays his dues. And that the child knows who real Dad is, whatever level of interest may be shown.

Just a view based on experience of taking on somebody else's kids with an unpredictable woman who then decided she wanted real Dad out of their lives. And then quit her job without discussing it with me in any detail.

lessonlearned

Good Morning UplandHigh and a very Merry Christmas.

Found your thread last night. First of all I can’t believe how much stick you have had from some posters. You came on looking for advice and received so much abuse...... but you have remained polite so well done you.

my tuppence worth.....:rotfl:

Not it is not selfish or unreasonable to want some personal space -we all need a little time to ourselves now and then, it is necessary for our health and wellbeing, both physical and mental. We cannot function if we are overwhelmed or stressed out. However, if you are the parent of young children then “free time” can be a bit thin in the ground, at least in the early years. Most parents quickly realise that they have to put their needs and wants on hold for a while whilst they get on with the nitty gritty of bringing up their children.

As the mother of two (now adult sons) and soon to be a grandmother I would have to point out that you must never underestimate the time, energy (and money) parents invest in their children. They do consume our lives and “free time” becomes something of a luxury, at least for a while. Your little one is now 5 so gradually gaining a little bit of independence so finding free time should get easier from now on.

However......as far as I can see there is something you have not mentioned .........will you want to be adding to your little family. Will you be wanting more children at some point. Because if so this would be a whole new ball game.

I tend to agree with many of the posters here. I think you need to take your time before coming to a decision. You and your partner need to really communicate, freely and frankly, about what each of you can bring to the table and what each of you needs and wants from your relationship.

One thing I would add is you have obviously worked very hard to reach the stage you are at in your career. It would be a shame not to reap the rewards, both in terms of salary and future prospects. I think if you scale back your hours now you might damage your chances of promotion as well as losing money in the short term. Probably not a great career move right now.

Thinking about childcare for those midweek days......would your son and his grandmother be happy if he stayed at her house perhaps one or two nights a week. Would that work. I know I’m looking forward to having my future grandchildren having sleepovers at some point.

At any rate I would advise you to take your time with this decision. Waiting another couple of years won’t do any harm......unless you are desperate to start having more children, although that depends on the age of your partner and whether there might be any fertility issues if you left it too long.

Whilst there are a lot of issues to be thrashed out here.....debts and money being probably the most serious - try not to worry too much, these things have a habit of coming right in the end. Sometimes we can overthink things and see problems where they don’t exist.

My husband and I had two babies in quick succession - just 22 months between them. Those first few years were hectic and of course money was tight. Neither my husband nor I had any real free time to ourselves, it was all work and family for those first few years.

You know what those years were fabulous, we had such fun together as a family. Yes we sacrificed our own personal free time, we rarely went out seperately, we never had time for the gym or personal hobbies and pursuits. That all went on the back burner for a while. We just concentrated on being parents and enjoying being a family. The free time came later when our boys were a bit older.

Remember the old saying “your children are not yours to keep, you only get to borrow them for a while”. My advice is enjoy your stepson whilst you can.

Your stepson is 5.......in less than 10 years he will be swanning off out with his mates - he probably won’t want to spend much time with parents. You will have all the free time you can handle.

Trust me the next few years will race by in the blink of an eye. A few years spent investing in good quality family time will reap dividends in the years to come, sowing the seeds of a good lasting relationship with your stepson.

Before you know it he’ll be taking you out for a pint down the pub, and maybe even going to the gym with you.

UplandHigh

NeilCr wrote: »

Yes. This.

In answer to the original question I don’t think it is unreasonable to expect some time to yourself. Indeed, it is healthy.

But, you need to talk. I must admit I am surprised that you haven’t had the conversation already. You’ve been together for a while, have been planning ahead ( see your last post) and are taking a major step towards the future. Yet, this clearly important and contentious issue seems to have been bypassed.

I think FBaby is right. Unless you talk about it openly now I’d worry about the lngevity of your relationship

Merry Christmas and I hope the bike is all the your partner’s son wanted

We have spoken many times and we had a rough plan regarding job, child minding, life, future etc etc. However, since she returned to work 3 months ago started earning a wage and enjoying having a social life again the rules have changed somewhat. I guess that now she is on a wage and 3 days a week to do what she wants in-between school hours is a sharp contrast to the years she spent as a single mum on limited income and I understand why she wants to maintain that. It is just that for me any system has to be fair to both of us.

This thread is because the other week when we spoke about it again it was noticeable that the goal posts had moved. I stated that I felt the system she was proposing (child minding) was unfair and it lead to us disagreeing. We haven't spoken about it since as we are not yet moving in together but hope to at some point this year. (2018) The above has just been mulling on my mind for a few weeks now so that why I thought I would put it out to the masses. Once I have a firm idea of how I see it working I will then speak to her again and see what she wants and then what the middle ground is.

Any I will be away from the computer for a few days now as it is Christmas and I am just about to drive to my sisters for the annual Christmas get together and dinner.

Thanks for the replies, very much appreciated.

lessonlearned

PS. A couple More practical things for you to consider.

If you have space how about a home gym.....we had one. We just converted our garage. We bought some equipment second hand.
It saved both money and time. In the time it takes to get to and from the gym you can do a workout at home. We all used it, the boys too as they got older.

Exercise etc can be done as a family......swimming, exercise DVDs, Wii fit etc. When my boys were little and I couldn’t get time to go to an exercise class we used to exercise together to Mr Motivator or the Green Goddess on breakfast TV. Probably way before your time. :rotfl:

But what I’m saying is there’s always a way to overcome issues and problems.......all it takes is a bit of lateral thinking. Theres always a solution if you take time to think it through. No excuse not to visit a gym because you are “short of time” - if you have a home set up you can even exercise when your son is in bed if you prefer to be alone.

We used our home gym for years.......even when my husband became disabled. The carers and I used to help him onto the equipment. A normal gym probably wouldn’t have let him use their facilities at that stage, they would have said it contravenes their health and safety rules.

Another thought and I believe another poster did touch on this ......if your partner moved in now how would this affect her debt management plan and any Child tax credits she might be receiving. Could you actually be worse off if she moved in. I know that sounds a bit calculating and somewhat mercenary but perhaps it’s worth crunching the numbers.

Anyway hope the bike was a hit. Have a great day. Try and put it all out of your mind for now and just enjoy the festive break.

I’m off out to party with one of my sons and his wife today. Time to get cracking.

UplandHigh

lessonlearned wrote: »

Good Morning UplandHigh and a very Merry Christmas.

Found your thread last night. First of all I can’t believe how much stick you have had from some posters. You came on looking for advice and received so much abuse...... but you have remained polite so well done you.

my tuppence worth.....:rotfl:

Not it is not selfish or unreasonable to want some personal space -we all need a little time to ourselves now and then, it is necessary for our health and wellbeing, both physical and mental. We cannot function if we are overwhelmed or stressed out. However, if you are the parent of young children then “free time” can be a bit thin in the ground, at least in the early years. Most parents quickly realise that they have to put their needs and wants on hold for a while whilst they get on with the nitty gritty of bringing up their children.

As the mother of two (now adult sons) and soon to be a grandmother I would have to point out that you must never underestimate the time, energy (and money) parents invest in their children. They do consume our lives and “free time” becomes something of a luxury, at least for a while. Your little one is now 5 so gradually gaining a little bit of independence so finding free time should get easier from now on.

However......as far as I can see there is something you have not mentioned .........will you want to be adding to your little family. Will you be wanting more children at some point. Because if so this would be a whole new ball game.

I tend to agree with many of the posters here. I think you need to take your time before coming to a decision. You and your partner need to really communicate, freely and frankly, about what each of you can bring to the table and what each of you needs and wants from your relationship.

One thing I would add is you have obviously worked very hard to reach the stage you are at in your career. It would be a shame not to reap the rewards, both in terms of salary and future prospects. I think if you scale back your hours now you might damage your chances of promotion as well as losing money in the short term. Probably not a great career move right now.

Thinking about childcare for those midweek days......would your son and his grandmother be happy if he stayed at her house perhaps one or two nights a week. Would that work. I know I’m looking forward to having my future grandchildren having sleepovers at some point.

At any rate I would advise you to take your time with this decision. Waiting another couple of years won’t do any harm......unless you are desperate to start having more children, although that depends on the age of your partner and whether there might be any fertility issues if you left it too long.

Whilst there are a lot of issues to be thrashed out here.....debts and money being probably the most serious - try not to worry too much, these things have a habit of coming right in the end. Sometimes we can overthink things and see problems where they don’t exist.

My husband and I had two babies in quick succession - just 22 months between them. Those first few years were hectic and of course money was tight. Neither my husband nor I had any real free time to ourselves, it was all work and family for those first few years.

You know what those years were fabulous, we had such fun together as a family. Yes we sacrificed our own personal free time, we rarely went out seperately, we never had time for the gym or personal hobbies and pursuits. That all went on the back burner for a while. We just concentrated on being parents and enjoying being a family. The free time came later when our boys were a bit older.

Remember the old saying “your children are not yours to keep, you only get to borrow them for a while”. My advice is enjoy your stepson whilst you can.

Your stepson is 5.......in less than 10 years he will be swanning off out with his mates - he probably won’t want to spend much time with parents. You will have all the free time you can handle.

Trust me the next few years will race by in the blink of an eye. A few years spent investing in good quality family time will reap dividends in the years to come, sowing the seeds of a good lasting relationship with your stepson.

Before you know it he’ll be taking you out for a pint down the pub, and maybe even going to the gym with you.

That is a fantastic reply. Thank you very much.

The only thing is doesn't deal with is my partners assumption that she will be able to keep her personal life. I.e. 3 days per week between school hours she is free to do what she wants like she does now. I am not sure there is anyone on here who can hand on heart say that they would not start to resent life or their partner if for example all their life became was was work and child minding.

Look at it this way just to keep it simple:

Monday - You up at 4:30 am head to work at 05:30am - Get home 21:00
Your Partner - Gets up at 07:30 - takes child to school, heads the gym and then goes out shopping.

Tuesday - You up at 04:30am head to work at 05:30am get home about 21:00PM
Your partner gets up at 07:30 takes child to school head to the gym, meets up with friends/family for lunch

Wednesday - You up at 04:30 head to work at 05:30am get home about 21:00PM
Your partner gets up at 07:30 takes the child to school, goes the gym, goes home for a nap, or goes the spa or what ever.

Thursday - Your partner up at 6:00 - goes to work at 07:30 - 20:00
You - up at 07:30 take child to school head to work for 10:00 until 02:30. Picks child up and then child minds until 21:00

Friday - Your partner up at 06:00 goes to work at 07:30 - 20:00
You up at 07:30 take child to School head to work for 10:00 until 02:30. Pick child up and then child mid until 21:00

Saturday - Family time, personal time sort anything that needs sorting.

Sunday - Your partner works 07:30 - 20:00
You - child mind all day.

I get that parents with young children have limited time but every parent I know still has some time to themselves. My sister has 2 kids 4 and 6 years old her and her husband still have time to themselves away from the children and each other. My best mates do. All the people I work with with kids do. I fully understand that time will be limited. The point I am trying to make is that my partners current thoughts puts me in a position of just being a worker and provider/child minder.

She gets a balance between her personal life, child, family and work

I get work and child which to me is unsustainable.

On the more kids front there are no plans for any more. My partner is older than me and in a few years she will be at the point were things can be more difficult.

great reply though and thank you so much for your time. I appreciate it greatly.

Merry Christmas.