Relationship, Step kid, moving in - Am I being Unreasonable?

WibblyGirly

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

Why would it extend your working day by spending your lunch hour at the gym rather than eating your lunch somewhere?
Why are you fiddling around building a bike on Christmas Eve, at the same time that you say you need to be working. If you've time to mess around like that, why not spend it with your girlfriend?
If you are in such a super, high powered job, why are you so concerned about doing all these other bits and pieces rather than relaxing and enjoying life?

Sorry, for me, none of this adds up.

I'm sure he wrote earlier that he only gets 30 min lunch breaks. Not enough time for gym really and if he's working away he won't be near it.
I assume he's building the bike for hia girlfriends son to have the next morning which is actually a really lovely thing to do!

UplandHigh

WibblyGirly wrote: »

I'm sure he wrote earlier that he only gets 30 min lunch breaks. Not enough time for gym really and if he's working away he won't be near it.
I assume he's building the bike for hia girlfriends son to have the next morning which is actually a really lovely thing to do!

Thank you at least one person has been reading the thread. Yes I have built the bike for my partners son as it is Christmas day tomorrow.

Seems like I am going to get grief for that as well as using the term kid lol.

Tabbytabitha

UplandHigh wrote: »

Thank you at least some one has been reading the thread. Yes I have built the bike for my partners son as it is Christmas day tomorrow.

Seems like I am going to get grief for that as well as using the term kid lol.

I had missed the point that you only get a half hour for lunch so apologise.

However, it puzzles me that this issue has been in the air for several weeks and you have only bought your house in the last couple of months, why you should've chosen to buy somewhere so far from where your girlfriend's mother lives. It strikes me that,if you'd been truly committed to making this work, you would have bought a property in a more convenient area even if it meant a smaller house or possibly a flat.

Too late now, obviously, but it does add weight to many people's view that your heart really isn't in the idea of this new family unit.

UKTigerlily

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

Why would it extend your working day by spending your lunch hour at the gym rather than eating your lunch somewhere?
Why are you fiddling around building a bike on Christmas Eve, at the same time that you say you need to be working. If you've time to mess around like that, why not spend it with your girlfriend?
If you are in such a super, high powered job, why are you so concerned about doing all these other bits and pieces rather than relaxing and enjoying life?

Sorry, for me, none of this adds up.

Maybe the bike is for the kid at Xmas? (I use kid & am not from Liverpool, shoot me)

Maybe it's to do with his job? Maybe his gf isn't with him tonight?

All the guy (can I say guy? is it pc here? lol) wants is to have some him time, as his gf has herself

I would say don't move in with her yet, she needs to take the ex to CSA as he's probably not paying what he should. Then she could see about after school clubs or childminder's etc

It's not unreasonable to expect help with her Son, BUT there's no way you should be letting her live rent free and pay for her car while she has a social life & you don't

Bennifred1

Uplandhigh - I think it would be a huge mistake for your girlfriend to move in with you anytime soon. I mean it would be a mistake for you! For her, I can see that there are lots of positives. I can't see a single positive for you. Apart from anything else, you seem to have very different approaches to money management. She is in huge debt, yet isn't doing everything in her power to sort it out - she has only just got a job because her son is now at school - but she could have been working at least part time before now, if her mother has been willing to look after her son. If I was in her shoes, I would not be spending anything I didn't absolutely have to - that means gym, spa, shopping trips, whatever. Even £15 per month makes a difference. Also - why isn't she using the free time she has constructively - even another part-time job to fit around her current full-time one? I know people who have several jobs because they financially have to. Her attitude (from what you say) seems fairly casual - especially as she seems happy to accept you paying for everything, whilst she would get to keep her wage to pay off debt (after she's paid for gym, spa, shopping, of course!) I think you would become resentful very quickly - and I wouldn't blame you! You absolutely should not even be thinking about compromising your career in order to cover your girlfriend's childcare responsibilities. Compromising means give and take on both sides. What will she be giving up, if she moves in with you? And she won't even discuss details about money with you? Alarm bells!! Don't do it.

How about thinking longer term, if you can see yourself being with her foe ever? Maybe have a goal of moving in together in five years, IF she has made substantial inroads into the debt? I know it will take longer if she's still paying rent, etc, but it would show whether she has any commitment to you, or whether she's more interested in having an easier life. And you won't have to give up anything whilst you wait for her to sort herself out.

UplandHigh

UKTigerlily wrote: »

Maybe the bike is for the kid at Xmas? (I use kid & am not from Liverpool, shoot me)

Maybe it's to do with his job? Maybe his gf isn't with him tonight?

All the guy (can I say guy? is it pc here? lol) wants is to have some him time, as his gf has herself

I would say don't move in with her yet, she needs to take the ex to CSA as he's probably not paying what he should. Then she could see about after school clubs or childminder's etc

It's not unreasonable to expect help with her Son, BUT there's no way you should be letting her live rent free and pay for her car while she has a social life & you don't

Yes the bike is for the child for Christmas his first proper bike as he is now 5 as he keeps telling me lol.
The girlfriend is here tonight but she is upstairs in bed with her son. I am down stairs running computer models as I was in work today and have a deadline for the day after boxing day. I am aiming for bed somewhere between 3 and 4am. I don't want to work tomorrow night and we have a day out planned for boxing day with the whole family (extended family) before I am back on call boxing day night.

Reading back on the thread I probably didn't put my initial concerns and thoughts across in a suitable manner. I can understand why some posters had the hump with me but all I am wanting is to work out if it is unreasonable to want some free time from child minding/family life if we live together. There appears to be people saying I have no idea and am being unreasonable when they themselves are having some free time!!!

My basic hours contract is 50 hours per week before travelling to and from jobs I am paid for 47.5 hours per week. I can't afford to drop pay nor do I want to end up in a situation a year down the line going down with stress as I have seen many people do even those working a lot less hours than I do currently and having a social life away from their kids. I want a balance between family and personal life..is that wrong? some people don't seem to understand that or are missing my concerns. Thankfully there are some people who can see what I am trying to say.

I am not talking about weekly benders down the pub or weekends away etc. I am talking a few hours a week to hang out with a mate, go the gym etc.

Runningfast

Lol I can't believe the grief the OP is getting.

Some posters make these forums a very negative place. Other than that great discussion on all sides.

comeandgo

I do think you should have some “me” time, absolutely, we all need it. I think your girlfriend is being rather selfish expecting you to take over and fill the void her mum will leave.
What is the back up plan when her child is ill and can’t go to school and all the inservice days and holidays? I think she needs to stay where she is with her mum as back up.

kelpie35

I have read the whole thread.

I would like to say that you are a very industrious person but knows that you also need time for yourself.

If I were you I would take time to digest some of the advice being offered on this thread. Talk to your partner and then make a decision that you are both comfortable with.

I wish you all the happiness in the world, you seem a generous, kind and practical man.

Merry Christmas.

Kim_13

I also don't think you should be moving in together at this time.

You have accepted there needs to be some compromise, for which I think that taking one of the three days is fair. Whether she likes it or not and whether he is useless or not, her ex is the child's father and is more responsible for him than you are. 1.5 of the days each would also be a reasonable compromise but that might not work for either of you where work is concerned. To expect you to do the whole three days is ridiculous. Would the child even be comfortable with this even if you could do it?

As your partner has only recently returned to work, while I think it is her that should make the greatest changes, I would suggest she holds off for now. In the longer term she would be in a better position to find alternative employment that better suits the new situation of you living together.