Relationship, Step kid, moving in - Am I being Unreasonable?

Ames

I think your partner sounds a bit immature in that she expects things to stay the same for her, and perhaps doesn't realise how much you'd be affected. Having said that, it's understandable that she wants to enjoy the fruits of her labour after five years of being a single parent. It sounds like she works hard and wants to play hard. The biggest impediment is her debt.

I think you need to sit down and work through budgets for all possible scenarios, in particular different paid for childcare options. Would either of you be able to get childcare vouchers through you employer, for instance?

Regarding the debt, childcare should be an expense taken off before working out how much she can repay. As someone else suggested, bankruptcy might be her best option.

I think you should encourage her to join MSE and ask for help on the debt free wannabe board, if she's honest they can help her work out the best way forward. Apart from anything else, you stepping in and paying everything possibly isn't the best option long term, because it doesn't deal with any underlying issues. People often just rack debt up again. She has to want to get debt free, rather than doing it to please you and TBH it doesn't sound like she's quite there yet.

lessonlearned

UplandHigh

I was in no way criticising you, I do hope you understand that. I was Just pointing out that free time is very limited for new parents.

However as your stepson is now 5 the worst of the “hands on” stuff. Is over. No more night feeds, teething, endless nappy changes etc. You should find it gets easier from now on. In fact I would say these next few years are the “quiet years” the toddler stuff is behind you and the teenage traumas await.....trust me......you ain’t seen nothing yet.:rotfl:

I don’t want to sound judgemental but I am inclined to agree with some of the other posters here.....it does sound like your girlfriend needs a bit of a reality check. She doesn’t seem to be giving your needs much consideration.

Whilst all parents do have to sacrifice some of their wants and needs for a few years it definitely shouldn’t be one sided. You shouldnt be the one making all the sacrifices. I hope you didn’t think I meant that, I thought I had made that clear.

Do you think perhaps it is because she has just “escaped” back into the real world after the baby years and that she has got a bit carried away with her new found freedom. Are her work colleagues all single and is she perhaps a bit envious if their freedom. Is she perhaps trying to recapture some of what she perceives as “lost years” when she was up to her ears in night feeds and nappy changes.

But yes I do agree it can’t be all one way. She has to accommodate you too.

You both work long shifts don’t you......your girlfriends condensed into three days. You work even longerHours spread over 5 days. Have I got that right. I think you said 50 hours, long commutes and the joys of being on call. That makes childcare very difficult.

So if I’ve got it right then it’s Thursday and Friday that stand out to me as being the real issue. I would think that a sleepover at Grannies house, Thursday night and maybe even Wednesday night too might be a way round your difficulties. Could that work for you and granny.

What is needed is all of you to be flexible, you, your girlfriend, your son (he needs to co-operate too) and if possible granny, provided she is fit enough to cope with providing childcare. One or two nights a week shouldn’t cramp grannies style too much.....:rotfl:

If there are no plans for further children then of course it does simplify the issues. Things will gradually get a little less hectic, and your son will become a little more independent, giving you both more time for yourselves in the foreseeable future.

How you handle your girlfriends reluctance to see your point of view is a different matter and I would advise that you proceed with caution here. If she cannot be flexible and fair over issues of childcare for (her) child......sorry don’t mean to be pedantic here but realistically her son is ultimately her responsibility then I’m afraid it doesn’t bode well.

I am not a step-parent so perhaps I’m not the best person to comment here but my understanding is becoming a step parent is in many ways no different from becoming a natural parent.......there is still a vulnerable child who needs care, love and attention. Parenthood is a huge commitment however you look at it. It requires a seismic shift in thinking - from both parents. Neither parent can live the free easy life of a singleton. Maybe your girlfriend hasn’t fully understood that yet. Maybe she has and feels just a tiny bit resentful and misses her free and easy years before she became a mum. Many parents do struggle a bit with that, it can be very hard for some people to adjust. Sadly some parents never do, they never fully commit and they make a poor job of parenthood.

You say she is older than you, tbh I had assumed she was a fair but younger. I don’t want to call her Immature, perhaps she just hasnt thought it all through properly. Maybe she just doesn’t realise that she is being a tad selfish and self centred.

The best advice I can give is take your time. This decision is a game changer so it does need careful consideration. You need to get all your ducks in a row, debts, money, childcare before you move in together.

If you really can’t work something out then maybe just continue as you are for a while longer until your stepson is a bit older and more independent.

clairec79

What are the grandparents thoughts re the childcare situation now? The grandmother could either be horrified at the idea of loosing so much time with the child or glad to get her freedom back.

If it's the horrified end of the scale then it may be she'd be happy to have the child on Sunday for you to have some you time - and them have some grandparent/child time

I have to say realistically you working less hours on the two days she works and additional hours on the others isn't practical.

Are both of your hours (start and finish) set? if not would it be possible for one to start earlier and pick up (probably only practical if there is an afterschool club) and the other to start later and do drop off.

FBaby

Resentment kills every relationship, so you do need to sort this out before you move in. What I expect is happening from her perspective is that she went from being a single mum, having no time for herself, little money, the stress of debts, feeling lonely, to having met her prince in charming armour who is going to make her life perfect. Starting to work (which it sounds she is enjoying) to having free time, plus the prospect of moving into a nice home, you helping out financially so her debts can be paid, well, why not push the luck even more and expect you to act like the dad her boy doesn't have and you have it, she stroke gold.

She's got to accept that sharing your life together doesn't mean her getting everything better than what she had before whilst you getting things worse except for having her in your life. There has to be a balance by which both of you can enjoy everyday life. It will be hard for you to adjust to losing some of your freedom and she is being totally unreasonable to expect you to adjust all of a sudden to lose all what you've been used to for years.

I've been with my OH for 10 years and we are now a full unit, but because we didn't get together until our late 30s, there are still things we do that we had got used to before. DH has always done a lot of sports with his friends and I couldn't have imagined telling him that he had to give this up to be with me. 10 years on and he still goes on his boy trip every year as he did before and that's fine with me. I too still go away with my kids only, as we did before, where I can give them my full attention.

You do need to talk to her and not be afraid to do so. If she's trying to make you feel guilty for not wanting to play the perfect family and you acting like her boy's dad, then you do need to think hard whether it is the right relationship for you. Love is not enough, and if she wants it all and makes you feel guilty for wanting just a bit for yourself, then it will only get much worse when you are one unit.

janb5

kelpie35 wrote: »

I have read the whole thread.

I would like to say that you are a very industrious person but knows that you also need time for yourself.

If I were you I would take time to digest some of the advice being offered on this thread. Talk to your partner and then make a decision that you are both comfortable with.

I wish you all the happiness in the world, you seem a generous, kind and practical man.

Merry Christmas.

I have read the whole post and am staggered at the rough ride you got. For the record I am older but have had children.

My Achilles heel would be her reluctance to be transparent with her financial situation !!! any financial help you give her will merely be an elastoplast. Sambella`s post summed it up beautifully. You should listen to your gut. If you cannot talk about everything with your partner before she moves in, you will all struggle not least her son who will be caught in the crossfire.

I too would be resentful if my partner who was in debt spent money on expensive treats. You have to have some common denominators and I cant see many.

Talk talk and talk some more. Say what you feel and be upfront.

And ignore some unnecessary remarks on this post- no need to be aggressive or nasty.

Vikipollard

No, you aren't being selfish or unreasonable at all.

She's vague about her incoming and expenditure - why is that? She has debt, but you don't know how much and to whom, she wouldn't be paying towards bills so she can pay her debt down - yet she can afford to go to the gym/out shopping with friends/family?

Sorry, but she's taking you for a mug. One-way sacrifice (your work/life balance), whilst she continues to have the best of both worlds AND free childcare?

It isn't YOUR perspective that's wrong here. Don't do it.

Mupette

I've not read the whole thread.

So partner has debts but hasn't considered reigning in the luxury's to help reduce the debts quicker?

She also drives so why can't she drop child off to mothers? if she didn't drive i could see that as being difficult but it would make everyone's life easier.

What i am seeing here is the man works all hours, to provide for the family yet is strung up because he is being selfish, actually its the partner being selfish, she moved the goalposts.

OP before she moves in consider a contract of no claims to the house if you split up. It's great she's got a job, but that job should be to pay her debts off.

spirit

I also agree that you have had a rough ride here. Working the hours you do, you definitely need time out, you both do.

However I also agree with your friends that you are rather being treated as a mug I wouldn't pay her car for a year. What would happen if you were to split up in that time.

Since she has on!y been working 3 months, I feel it would be better if she got a handle on her debt and learn some money management skills, of which there is lots of useful information on these boards.

On the childcare issue, kids have loads of time off school. 6 weeks in the summer etc etc. Then inset days, snow days when the school is shut. Also, which of you will take time off when he is unwell?

Jenniefour

The main impression I got from reading through your posts was that you're very committed to your relationships with both your partner and your step son, you're a hard, conscientious worker and you're a generous person. Maybe too generous for your own good. I imagine you're worried about how to have some potentially very difficult conversations but you need to grasp the bull by the horns, as it were, before you make any further commitments because, as things stand now, you don't know exactly what you are committing yourself to when you become a family. I also think you might be a bit over invested in trying to please your partner - hence this all seems very lopsided, as others have said.

I have a very contrary suggestion to make - stop talking about work/life balance, "me" time and childcare for now. I'm not saying these issues are not important, quite the contrary, they're very important, but I think these issues are disguising and getting confused with another major issue - your work. If you can deal with your work first then the work/life balance issue will probably take care of itself, and you are then discussing childcare on a different and clearer basis.

Hats off to you for asking your workplace what options might be possible however, doing anything that would sideline your career seems very unwise indeed as it's so important to your futures together going forwards, including finances now, and especially as your partner is in considerable debt. Unless you hate your work, don't want to progress in your career and don't need the money, which is definitely not what you're saying, then you need to let your partner know clearly you're not changing your work. That's the first difficult conversation you need to have.

Then, before your partner and her son move in, you both need to work out possible alternatives for childcare on that basis i.e that your work is not going to change. I wonder if you've been !!!!!footing around this for fear of upsetting your partner - hence my earlier comment about potentially difficult conversations. I don't believe discussing childcare in terms of what's fair and not fair is helpful - it's simply acting as a massive red herring to the issue of your career which needs dealing with first. Child care is a separate important issue, and needs to be discussed in a different way.

The other big issue, as others have said, is your partner's debts and her finances. You clearly know something about this but what strikes me is the lack of transparency of your partner - there are things about this you don't know. However, if all she's doing at the moment is paying the minimum (which is more likely increasing the debt, not reducing it) that suggests her plan to pay all the debts off in four years is probably not going to work and you (both of you) could simply be storing up more serious financial problems for the future.

Your partner needs good advice on this, and that means a fact finding exercise needed - getting out all the bank statements, credit card statements and everything else to do with her debt/finances e.g. how much her ex has actually paid, what she's earning now, how much is going out on rent etc. And her benefits situation needs double checking, just in case. This is something you need to do together so you and your partner are both fully in the know before you become a family, and you're not making any further commitments to what are, in effect, unknowns - which could come back to badly bite you in future. Make sure your partner and yourself do not do anything which links you financially e.g. joint bank accounts, her having a card on your credit card account etc. Right now, you are offering to help out (e.g. paying her car, footing the majority of the household expenses) in a very generous manner without knowing whether your generosity is a constructive part of the solution or just becoming part of a bigger future problem.

I suggest your partner post on the Debt Free board and let the good folks on there have a look at the nitty gritty detail of her financial situation and find out the options going forwards. It's not clear to me, given what you've said already, that you are both on the same page with money. I suspect you're not so you need to find a way of working this out together and having some agreements you can both accept, especially since finance is one of the biggest causes of relationship breakdowns.

There's no harm in waiting to move in together as a family until these important issues are resolved. But do please get your priorities for discussion together clear and avoid confusion.

Hope you're having a nice Christmas, OP, and everyone on here.

Caroline_a

OP you sound like someone who is trying to do the best. Unfortunately your girlfriend sounds like a total user. I spent a long time with young children as a single parent, eventually remarrying. No way would I have expected my husband to give up any parts of his work to childmind (and I had 2 then, plus one I had with him). I always felt that the responsibility for childcare fell on me, whether I did it myself or paid someone to do it.

Reading what your girlfriend does during the week on a day to day basis horrified me. Why on earth doesn't she have a 9 - 5 job like most people? She seems to spend her days swanning around having the life of a 'lady who lunches', yet she is in debt and is dumping most the childminding responsibilities on you! and expecting you to take a pay cut too!

She cannot afford that lifestyle, simple. If she's only throwing a couple of pounds at her debts every month then she isn't serious about paying them off. Probably expects you to pick up the slack too if she gets pregnant! Her lunch/spa lifestyle is something that I would struggle to pay for, and I have no dependents at home now, or mortgage. She's being deliberately vague about her debts too so you are in a fog about it. That isn't the action of a woman who is interested in an equal partnership.

My advice to you would be, before any decisions are made about moving in, to sit down with a spreadsheet to see exactly where her money is going. You may find from that that childminding becomes much more affordable!

And as others have said, don't let her move in until all this is sorted or 12 months down the road you will be selling your house and giving her half!