Relationship, Step kid, moving in - Am I being Unreasonable?

lewishardwick

I think you both need to be clear on your individual finances.

It sounds like she stands to benefit more than you. Will she be paying towards the running of the household?

determined_new_ms

I've just read this whole thread and I don't think this is the

You both could do with sitting down and having some frank conversations & getting to the bottom of these pretty weighty issues. They are massive . Childcare and who has main responsibility for her child and how the day to day childcare/responsibility will look need to be very clearly communicated about and agreed on, if you have a young child. My partner and I have custody of our granddaughter (not his biologically). He never even wanted children and became a grandfather without being a father. We split childcare down the middle, as much as it can be, but it's swings and roundabouts - sometimes it's more me & sometimes him. I (now) earn less than he does so I take the lion share of CC, work shorter hours. Bringing in less income so I'm the one who does majority of school drop offs & pick ups. If we need childcare after school then we pay for it or get a friend/family member to pick lo up. Before school age we have to pay through the nose for a childminder.

Surely whatever can be paid off of the debts (for either of you) comes after these financial responsibilities? When I met my partner my children were teenagers. When we moved in together I paid the bigger % of house/living expenses because they were my children and I have more money.

It does sound like your gf is asking you to invest & compromise a lot. But to be fair we only have your perspective on this. How can the two of you seriously be considering this move if you haven't talked about any of this?

I also think you haven't really got a realistic view of what it is like bringing up a kid. We both have some time out to do certain things - an hour for the gym or a run, my oh plays football a few times a week. Social events - again swings and roundabouts but it probably works out that once every couple of weeks we'll go out. When you have a kid most of the evenings/weekends are spent as a family unit hanging out/doing stuff.

I don't think you guys should more in together yet. There's still so much for you to work out before you're ready. Her child deserves to have two adults who have his absolute best interests in the forefront of their minds when making decisions to move in together. He already comes from a broken family and his father is letting him down. If he were to move in with someone who isn't fully committed to being his step father it might have a lasting impact.

Mojisola

UplandHigh wrote: »

No, I don't even know who the debts belong too. She used a debt management charity who set up a nominal payment plan with the creditors.

UplandHigh wrote: »

She gets some, but I don't know how much. She won't talk to me in detail other than he isn't paying the right amount and it is up and down each month.

But she's expecting you to subsidise her when she moves in with you?

I think you need to know the full extent of her debts and her repayment plans before you become a family.

UplandHigh

lewishardwick wrote: »

I think you both need to be clear on your individual finances.

It sounds like she stands to benefit more than you. Will she be paying towards the running of the household?

She will contribute a small amount to the utilities and food bill etc as they will change. .

Generally speaking initially she will use her money predominantly to reduce her debt and look after the child (nervous to use the word kid now) and I will pick up the bulk (pretty much all) of living costs and any costs for date night/days etc. Once she is in a better position financially I would expect it to start evening out. They are the initial thoughts not set in concrete yet.

UplandHigh

determined_new_ms wrote: »

I also think you haven't really got a realistic view of what it is like bringing up a kid. We both have some time out to do certain things - an hour for the gym or a run, my oh plays football a few times a week. Social events - again swings and roundabouts but it probably works out that once every couple of weeks we'll go out. When you have a kid most of the evenings/weekends are spent as a family unit hanging out/doing stuff.

See I disagree there, that is all I am asking for some time to be allowed to do things for myself just like my partner would be doing and you and your partner can, your other half plays football several times per week! you go the gym!. Under the current assumption from my partner I would have none of that I would be either working, child minding or as a family. Every parent I know has some time for themselves. That is all I am asking is itunreasonable to have some time for myself...you do! Why can you go the gym and for a run but Im being unrealistic? I am not talking about nights out, I am talking about an hour down the gym etc.

Is it really wrong to be thinking that if my partner can have some time away from the family so can I, .....if we move in together!!. It seems that some people seem to be suggesting that I should just be a provider and forget everything else.

Lets put it another way your partner continues to play football several times a week and go to social events but you have to work/be out of the house 05:30 - 22:00 3 days per week, work 10:00 - 14:00 2 days per week and then child mind until your partner gets home at 21:00/22:00 then 1 day per week you have to do family stuff and then the final day of the week you are chilldng minding from 07:00 - 21:00. Then repeat. every day for the foreseeable future. Are you telling me you would be jolly about that? Or would you expect your partner to adjust their things to share the child minding with you to allow both of you to have a few hours away such as gym, run, football etc.

Tabbytabitha

determined_new_ms wrote: »

I've just read this whole thread and I don't think this is the

You both could do with sitting down and having some frank conversations & getting to the bottom of these pretty weighty issues. They are massive . Childcare and who has main responsibility for her child and how the day to day childcare/responsibility will look need to be very clearly communicated about and agreed on, if you have a young child. My partner and I have custody of our granddaughter (not his biologically). He never even wanted children and became a grandfather without being a father. We split childcare down the middle, as much as it can be, but it's swings and roundabouts - sometimes it's more me & sometimes him. I (now) earn less than he does so I take the lion share of CC, work shorter hours. Bringing in less income so I'm the one who does majority of school drop offs & pick ups. If we need childcare after school then we pay for it or get a friend/family member to pick lo up. Before school age we have to pay through the nose for a childminder.

Surely whatever can be paid off of the debts (for either of you) comes after these financial responsibilities? When I met my partner my children were teenagers. When we moved in together I paid the bigger % of house/living expenses because they were my children and I have more money.

It does sound like your gf is asking you to invest & compromise a lot. But to be fair we only have your perspective on this. How can the two of you seriously be considering this move if you haven't talked about any of this?

I also think you haven't really got a realistic view of what it is like bringing up a kid. We both have some time out to do certain things - an hour for the gym or a run, my oh plays football a few times a week. Social events - again swings and roundabouts but it probably works out that once every couple of weeks we'll go out. When you have a kid most of the evenings/weekends are spent as a family unit hanging out/doing stuff.

I don't think you guys should more in together yet. There's still so much for you to work out before you're ready. Her child deserves to have two adults who have his absolute best interests in the forefront of their minds when making decisions to move in together. He already comes from a broken family and his father is letting him down. If he were to move in with someone who isn't fully committed to being his step father it might have a lasting impact.

UplandHigh wrote: »

See I disagree there, that is all I am asking for some time to be allowed to do things for myself just like my partner would be doing and you and your partner can, your other half plays football several times per week! you go the gym!. Under the current assumption from my partner I would have none of that I would be either working, child minding or as a family. Every parent I know has some time for themselves. That is all I am asking is itunreasonable to have some time for myself...you do! Why can you go the gym and for a run but Im being unrealistic? I am not talking about nights out, I am talking about an hour down the gym etc.

Is it really wrong to be thinking that if my partner can have some time away from the family so can I, .....if we move in together!!. It seems that some people seem to be suggesting that I should just be a provider and forget everything else.

The only reason your girlfriend has time to herself is because she's working 3 very long shifts rather than having a working week spread over 5 days, as is more common.

People have different jobs with different hours - if you were a teacher, would you expect her to resent the fact that you had 8 weeks more holiday than she does or would you expect her to understand that this balances out with the hours of marking and prep you'd be doing every evening?

If you have a busy life you have to be creative with your time management and, for example, go to the gym/pool/jog during your lunch hour. Personally, I find it more worrying that you seem unbothered that you won't have enough time together as a couple and only seem to care about having time to carry on doing everything you do now as a single man.

I don't feel that you're ready for any sort of live in relationship, much less to be a member of a ready made family group. Perhaps it would be better to wait until you're a bit older and more mature before considering such a large and life changing step?

UplandHigh

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

The only reason your girlfriend has time to herself is because she's working 3 very long shifts rather than having a working week spread over 5 days, as is more common.

People have different jobs with different hours - if you were a teacher, would you expect her to resent the fact that you had 8 weeks more holiday than she does or would you expect her to understand that this balances out with the hours of marking and prep you'd be doing every evening?

If you have a busy life you have to be creative with your time management and, for example, go to the gym/pool/jog during your lunch hour. Personally, I find it more worrying that you seem unbothered that you won't have enough time together as a couple and only seem to care about having time to carry on doing everything you do now as a single man.

I don't feel that you're ready for any sort of live in relationship, much less to be a member of a ready made family group. Perhaps it would be better to wait until you're a bit older and more mature before considering such a large and life changing step?

You have missed the points. All of your points have been dealt with under other posts.

I jave siad in another post I don't feel running a family on one day would be sustainable or healthy. I have said I can't do things like the gym in my lunch hour as I will be working an extra 4 hours per day for 3 days of the week. If I take an hour or 2 out for the gym that just extends the time I have to be away from the house. Bear in mind my job can see me finish my day 80miles from home and then have to drive home. I love people like you in your perfect worlds. Look at it from a wider perspective.

I don't think any person can survive with no escape from work and family life at times.

Again you have missed the point totally.

Answer me this are you a parent? and do you have any time away from the family or are you just 100% work and family orientated? what about your partner. If you answer you do have some time to be you please leave the thread as you will be a hypocrite.

That reminds me talking about amount of marking etc and home working. It is half ten on xmas eve and I am currently doing work for a client who wants my expert opinion by the day after boxing day on a project costing in to the hundreds of millions. There are lots of things you don't know about this situation if you go back near the start you will see I also have to work some nights!! My partner is in bed with the child who is excited about tomorrow, I am building a bike and carrying out some pretty detailed assessment which will see me up until about 4am. I am on here as my break from the maths and modelling I have to do. I work a stressful job as it is that is dictated by our clients and I am sorry if want to keep just a few hours to myself to recharge. I am selfish and childish in your opinion... so be it!!

Forgive me if I feel like working 13.5 hour days plus travelling, plus bringing work home with me and potentially being away from the house from 05:30 am each morning and not getting back until late at night as not exciting!! Surely you would want a small break from that at times?

And just to add, my phone could ring at anytime calling me out to attend an incident at a clients site. Nothing like a chemical spill or an oil spill to concentrate the mind at 3am in the morning. Trust me I have been to a few.

Spendless

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

Unless you consider 37.5 hours per week to be part time, she's working normal full time hours over 3 days.

Apologies, I hadn't added the hours up, just seen the 3 days. I work 37.5 hours over 5 days (usually a few hours more), if I was a single parent I'd still get some benefits on my wage (and I earn more than NMW). It will depend on the salary though.

Tabbytabitha

UplandHigh wrote: »

You have missed the points. All of your points have been dealt with under other posts.

I jave siad in another post I don't feel running a family on one day would be sustainable or healthy. I have said I can't do things like the gym in my lunch hour as I will be working an extra 4 hours per day for 3 days of the week. If I take an hour or 2 out for the gym that just extends the time I have to be away from the house. Bear in mind my job can see me finish my day 80miles from home and then have to drive home. I love people like you in your perfect worlds. Look at it from a wider perspective.

I don't think any person can survive with no escape from work and family life at times.

Again you have missed the point totally.

Answer me this are you a parent? and do you have any time away from the family or are you just 100% work and family orientated? what about your partner. If you answer you do have some time to be you please leave the thread as you will be a hypocrite.

That reminds me talking about amount of marking etc and home working. It is half ten on xmas eve and I am currently doing work for a client who wants my expert opinion by the day after boxing day on a project costing in to the hundreds of millions. There are lots of things you don't know about this situation if you go back near the start you will see I also have to work some nights!! My partner is in bed with the child who is excited about tomorrow, I am building a bike and carrying out some pretty detailed assessment which will see me up until about 4am. I am on here as my break from the maths and modelling I have to do. I work a stressful job as it is that is dictated by our clients and I am sorry if want to keep just a few hours to myself to recharge. I am selfish and childish in your opinion... so be it!!

Forgive me if I feel like working 13.5 hour days plus travelling, plus bringing work home with me and potentially being away from the house from 05:30 am each morning and not getting back until late at night as not exciting!! Surely you would want a small break from that at times?

And just to add, my phone could ring at anytime calling me out to attend an incident at a clients site. Nothing like a chemical spill or an oil spill at sea to concentrate the mind at 3am in the morning. Trust me I have been to a few.

Why would it extend your working day by spending your lunch hour at the gym rather than eating your lunch somewhere?
Why are you fiddling around building a bike on Christmas Eve, at the same time that you say you need to be working. If you've time to mess around like that, why not spend it with your girlfriend?
If you are in such a super, high powered job, why are you so concerned about doing all these other bits and pieces rather than relaxing and enjoying life?

Sorry, for me, none of this adds up.

UplandHigh

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

Why would it extend your working day by spending your lunch hour at the gym rather than eating your lunch somewhere?
Why are you fiddling around building a bike on Christmas Eve, at the same time that you say you need to be working. If you've time to mess around like that, why not spend it with your girlfriend?
If you are in such a super, high powered job, why are you so concerned about doing all these other bits and pieces rather than relaxing and enjoying life?

Sorry, for me, none of this adds up.

You have not read the thread properly that is why.

Because read back you will see I am currently contracted for 10 hour days I get paid for 9.5 hours as I get half hour unpaid lunch. If I reduce my hours for the 2 days I would have to child mind it means I would work 4.5 hours each on those days but only paid 4 hours as half hour unpaid lunch. That means I owe work 5.5 hours each day 11 hours over the two days. I would have to make those 11 hours up by working an extra 3.6 hours on the 3 other days.

That means 3 days per week I would need to work minimum 13.1 hours each day up from the current 9.5 hours. If I take a 2 hour lunch to go the gym that means I would need to stay in work for 15.1 hours before the commute to just keep my pay at the same level as I need to be paid for the 13.1 hours ..if that makes sense.

I am running noise models and calculations on a computer so as the computer does its thing I am building the bike and messaging on here as my distraction. I am not with my girlfriend at present because I have tasks to do including finishing a job for a client that is deadlined for the day after boxing day and building the bike so it is ready for Christmas day she is asleep upstairs with her son. I would rather finish my work tonight and have 2 days off with the family tomorrow and boxing day before I am on call again.

who said I am in a super high powered job? Certainly not me!! I work as an environmental consultant for a company that provides services to many different companies. I was in work today and on call tonight and boxing day.