Relationship, Step kid, moving in - Am I being Unreasonable?

UplandHigh

thorsoak wrote: »

Oh dear, did I hit a sore spot? I don't think that I'm the person who needs to grow up! I did not advocate that you move in together or cohabit - in fact I advised you against it.

I emphasised the fact that the important point in this relationship should be the child - not you/your social life, nor your partner's irresponsible attitude to money.

I do have experience of this sort of situation - my no 2 son took on his partner's 3 year old daughter when his then partner moved in with him and they moved away from the UK. The daughter gained a loving step father, still sees her biological father and family and she is, and always has been a most important part of this family too. She is now 18, has two younger half sisters and is going to university - financed by both her father's and step-father's familly.

That's how to make a success of it.

So I guess your son gave up everything to facilitate this or did he and his partner have a balance that worked for them? If you say he gave up everything then I know you are lying. Or did your son and his partner manage to find a happy medium where both of them had a great balance in life and family life and that lead to providing a great platform for the children to develop?

My best mates wife just read this thread and she had 2 kids to another bloke before she met my mate. She has just advised me that keeping a slither of a social life and personal life is important. She says that she and my mate work it so that both of them get time away form the family to do their own things at least 2 evenings a week. I would rather listen to her than people like you who come online and spout bitterness as your opening post. Have a nice Christmas.

Sambella

I really don’t think you should begin living together when she has so much debt. She won’t tell you how much child maintenance she gets, you don’t appear to know what she owes and to whom. Nor do you really know what inroads she has made towards reducing it (aside from defaulting) is she really trying hard enough ?

If she is currently getting benefits she stands to lose a fair few quid when she moves in with you and all she will have is her part time wage. You may therefore not quite realise what lies ahead.

You say you have your own debts too so maybe it’s best for you both to work on these separately before committing which in turn will give you time to properly discuss and decide on working /childcare arrangements.

It’s interesting that she is quite vague to you about how much Child maintenance she receives. Even it is erratic she should be able to give figures.

I would worry that she just sees you as an easy way out of debt.

UplandHigh

Sambella wrote: »

I really don’t think you should begin living together when she has so much debt. She won’t tell you how much child maintenance she gets, you don’t appear to know what she owes and to whom. Nor do you really know what inroads she has made towards reducing it (aside from defaulting) is she really trying hard enough ?

If she is currently getting benefits she stands to lose a fair few quid when she moves in with you and all she will have is her part time wage. You may therefore not quite realise what lies ahead.

You say you have your own debts too so maybe it’s best for you both to work on these separately before committing which in turn will give you time to properly discuss and decide on working /childcare arrangements.

It’s interesting that she is quite vague to you about how much Child maintenance she receives. Even it is erratic she should be able to give figures.

I would worry that she just sees you as an easy way out of debt.

Are you my mate? He said something very similar lol.

Basically my debt is manageable I paid for some work related qualification/professional courses on an interest free credit card that I paying off over the next 18 months. My other debt is the mortgage no other debts for me.

Her debt has been frozen and she has been paying a nominal £1 - £5 to each creditor for the past few years set up my some debt management charity. She has made no in roads to the level of debt in any meaningful way but she has been on benefits until 3 months ago.

She tells me that she does not get any benefits since starting this job as the pay takes her over a certain threshold. I don't know the exact value but she doesn't know exactly what I earn either as all of our financial affairs have been separate to date.

justme111

someine may have asked it already as i have not read the whole thread - would not she be savung money on accommodation and bills by living with you which coukd go to childcare ?

Sambella

Please at least discuss the financial situation BEFORE moving in together.

You don’t want a situation where you somehow sort out childcare in away that’s suits you both only to find that the financial problems turn out to be the bigger issue.

Always go in with your eyes wide open. If you want this to work you need to know lots more about each other.

UKTigerlily

Ilona wrote: »

Mean spirited and totally selfish. You have a partner who has a child from a previous relationship. THEY COME AS A PAIR, GEDDIT? You move in together and you take on the responsibility on equal terms with your partner. Poor you, having to make compromises, missing out on your foot loose and fancy free lifestyle.

You need to have a serious discussion with your partner. You either love the child as your own or you don't. What sort of life is he going to have if his new daddy can't be bothered with him? Sorry, but I can see this scenario ending badly.

Ilona

First, this isn't his new Dad, he has a Dad!!!
Second, not many love Stepkids as their own just as most don't love Step Parents as their own
Third, I don't see compromise . . . the OP shouldn't give everything up while the kid's Mum stays as she is?! The Mum needs to arrange to be there also
Fourth, instead of Mum moves in rent free so she can pay debt (if that's right?), how about she pays for a day or two of childcare instead or aswell as some to creditors?

Spendless

UplandHigh wrote: »

She tells me that she does not get any benefits since starting this job as the pay takes her over a certain threshold. I don't know the exact value but she doesn't know exactly what I earn either as all of our financial affairs have been separate to date.

Unless she's earning a lot, which is highly unlikely after a 5yo break and with a part time job (unless she's a professional high flyer) it's very likely she's getting 'in work' benefits. She might be in receipt of working tax credits and child tax credits, help with her rent and council tax. I know some areas have moved over to Universal credit instead but I'm unfamiliar with how that works.

I think you need a lot more honesty and transparency between you before you take another step. You might both end up in a worse financial situation if you live together at this point. There's no rush, take your time.

bouicca21

Option 1. Hire a childminder to do the necessary.
Option 2. Make friends with another parent to do the necessary.
Option 3. Choose a school with an after school club on the premises. Just do the mornings.
Option 4. Find a school with a breakfast and after school club on the premises.
Option 5. Find a local breakfast/after school club that does pick ups and drop offs.

Tabbytabitha

Spendless wrote: »

Unless she's earning a lot, which is highly unlikely after a 5yo break and with a part time job (unless she's a professional high flyer) it's very likely she's getting 'in work' benefits. She might be in receipt of working tax credits and child tax credits, help with her rent and council tax. I know some areas have moved over to Universal credit instead but I'm unfamiliar with how that works.

I think you need a lot more honesty and transparency between you before you take another step. You might both end up in a worse financial situation if you live together at this point. There's no rush, take your time.

Unless you consider 37.5 hours per week to be part time, she's working normal full time hours over 3 days.

UplandHigh

Cheeky_Monkey wrote: »

Personally, I think you two moving in together would be the biggest mistake either of you will ever make.

Any sympathy I might have had for you went out the window with you constantly referring to the little boy as 'kid'. What that says to me is that you will resent his presence in your house. .

For some reason this post makes me laugh. Probably my most favourite reply of the night for all the wrong reasons. We are in a world were differences and differences in language are encouraged so I use the term 'Kid' in how I would say it (local dialect) and get shot for it. You just can't make it up.

I will check back in a few days. I have had a lot of brilliant replies and you have definitely given me things to think about and talk to my partner about in the coming weeks and months. To those who shoot from the hip and ask no questions, you brought the comedy thank you.

Have a great Christmas everyone.

Thanks