Relationship, Step kid, moving in - Am I being Unreasonable?

WibblyGirly

OP has already said he is paying all the bills, so no, she isn't contributing to them!
Yes she may do more of the chores but then a child does create a lot of extra mess. Living on his own and working a lot, his house may be tidier now than before they move in with less effort.

amersall

Please op, do not do this yet, give it a lot more time.
My Brother had a girlfriend with a 9 year old Daughter, they moved in with him and everything went well for 8 months, there was not a problem with child care, jobs etc like you have, but, she also had a lot of debt.

The debt would be my be my biggest worry tbh as my Brother got no straight answers with regards maintenance or her debt etc, she did pay towards food and bills though, he could tell something was worrying her and that was when she finally came clean re the debt to my brother.

Long story short, she had been in this position "a few times" according to her Sister and someone always helped her, pity he did not know this before he remortgaged his property for £19,000 to clear all her debt and give her a clean slate, he was quite prepared to repay this debt on his Mortgage and never asked for a penny back, 9 months later she had wracked up a whole lot of debt again.
Suffice it to say, they are no longer together.

I am not saying this is what your Girlfriend is doing, or what she will do, just err on the side of caution with the debt part.

seven-day-weekend

lessonlearned wrote: »

Good Morning UplandHigh and a very Merry Christmas.

Found your thread last night. First of all I can’t believe how much stick you have had from some posters. You came on looking for advice and received so much abuse...... but you have remained polite so well done you.

my tuppence worth.....:rotfl:

Not it is not selfish or unreasonable to want some personal space -we all need a little time to ourselves now and then, it is necessary for our health and wellbeing, both physical and mental. We cannot function if we are overwhelmed or stressed out. However, if you are the parent of young children then “free time” can be a bit thin in the ground, at least in the early years. Most parents quickly realise that they have to put their needs and wants on hold for a while whilst they get on with the nitty gritty of bringing up their children.

As the mother of two (now adult sons) and soon to be a grandmother I would have to point out that you must never underestimate the time, energy (and money) parents invest in their children. They do consume our lives and “free time” becomes something of a luxury, at least for a while. Your little one is now 5 so gradually gaining a little bit of independence so finding free time should get easier from now on.

However......as far as I can see there is something you have not mentioned .........will you want to be adding to your little family. Will you be wanting more children at some point. Because if so this would be a whole new ball game.

I tend to agree with many of the posters here. I think you need to take your time before coming to a decision. You and your partner need to really communicate, freely and frankly, about what each of you can bring to the table and what each of you needs and wants from your relationship.

One thing I would add is you have obviously worked very hard to reach the stage you are at in your career. It would be a shame not to reap the rewards, both in terms of salary and future prospects. I think if you scale back your hours now you might damage your chances of promotion as well as losing money in the short term. Probably not a great career move right now.

Thinking about childcare for those midweek days......would your son and his grandmother be happy if he stayed at her house perhaps one or two nights a week. Would that work. I know I’m looking forward to having my future grandchildren having sleepovers at some point.

At any rate I would advise you to take your time with this decision. Waiting another couple of years won’t do any harm......unless you are desperate to start having more children, although that depends on the age of your partner and whether there might be any fertility issues if you left it too long.

Whilst there are a lot of issues to be thrashed out here.....debts and money being probably the most serious - try not to worry too much, these things have a habit of coming right in the end. Sometimes we can overthink things and see problems where they don’t exist.

My husband and I had two babies in quick succession - just 22 months between them. Those first few years were hectic and of course money was tight. Neither my husband nor I had any real free time to ourselves, it was all work and family for those first few years.

You know what those years were fabulous, we had such fun together as a family. Yes we sacrificed our own personal free time, we rarely went out seperately, we never had time for the gym or personal hobbies and pursuits. That all went on the back burner for a while. We just concentrated on being parents and enjoying being a family. The free time came later when our boys were a bit older.

Remember the old saying “your children are not yours to keep, you only get to borrow them for a while”. My advice is enjoy your stepson whilst you can.

Your stepson is 5.......in less than 10 years he will be swanning off out with his mates - he probably won’t want to spend much time with parents. You will have all the free time you can handle.

Trust me the next few years will race by in the blink of an eye. A few years spent investing in good quality family time will reap dividends in the years to come, sowing the seeds of a good lasting relationship with your stepson.

Before you know it he’ll be taking you out for a pint down the pub, and maybe even going to the gym with you.

Whilst I agree with much of your post, the difference is that you are talking about your own children. This is not the OP's own child, she is a child who comes as part of a package and may in the end be a price he is not willing to pay for living with her mother.

I understand if this is the case, I would have felt (and still would feel) the same. I would not have wanted to put huge restrictions on my life for someone else's small child. I found it difficult enough with my own!

To the OP, do not move in together until you have worked out an agreement you are both happy with.

krlyr

Living together is an entirely different stage to seeing each other 4-6 times a week. Regardless of what you "should" be contributing and sacrificing for the child here, I think your bigger issues are the lack of communication and vagueness around your finances and future plans.

Personally, I'd be tempted to sit down and say while you're wanting her to move in, you do feel there are a few things that need to be done before this can happen - you don't have to hash it all out in one sitting, but you say your previous rough plans changed (and not for the positive), so I think it's time to make new ones.

I agree with the posters who've said to not help her out so much financially. She may finally be enjoying some free cash and a social life with her new income - but she has 4 years worth of debt. Her son may have reached an age where she gets a little more freedom, but her other life circumstances do not afford that yet. It will be a better life lesson for her to have to go without things temporarily, than to be taught she can get herself in debt but it's OK because someone else will make it a very comfortable bail-out.

My life circumstances changed recently, I ended a relationship that had become quite restricted because of my ex's anxieties around money - and I have taken a couple of months to relax in terms of spending, but on the other hand I have now taken on a mortgage in my sole name so I can't relax entirely or I'd risk putting myself in debt. I might fancy a nice new car and a 2 week holiday in the sun, but that would be living beyond my means. I ummed and ahhed about a £25/month gym membership (cheapest around here) after my pre-paid annual membership lapsed, decided it was too expensive, though when they did a deal that worked out to £16/month I looked at my budget and decided I could afford it. That's only a £9 difference but in the grand scheme it adds up - £9 on the gym, £10 on getting or ditching takeaway coffees, £20 on having nails done, etc.

You say her gym is only £15/month but to someone who's not on a high wage and who has a financial dependent, it's going to be a higher proportion of her 'free' cash than someone on a higher wage with no dependent, and all these little £15, £10, £5 here and there will add up to hundreds over the month. I imagine if you calculated how much time that would take off of her debt repayments, it would be more significant than she realises.

Presumably in the long-term you see yourselves buying a place together and sharing costs as a family. If you cannot even bring yourself to discuss salaries, committed expenses, 'fun' budgets etc. then you will not be able to run a household together. It's time to decide you're serious enough to look at finances together or that you're not quite ready for the living together stage. Her finances become your business when you start "subsidising" her living expenses, and your finances become relevant when you're being expected to make all the sacrifices, both financially and with your working situation and free time. Perhaps being aware of your income and outgoings will make her realise the situation is more unworkable than she originally thought.

It may be a tough conversation, but you are going to have way, way tougher conversations down the line when it comes to parenting. If you can't work together now, you're going to really struggle in the future.

globetraveller

Don't enable her to continue ignoring her debt.

You need to know exactly what you are letting yourself in for. I don't know anyone who is in so much debt and yet can, every week, go to the gym/spa and go out for lunch. She is either burying her head in the sand or thinking you will sort it. If you don't work this out beforehand, she may start upping her spending then there will be another child. By the way, SHE doesn't want a 2 bed house?
Don't move in together and don't be giving her money. ( Have you been doing this?) If she loves you more than the money she will be happy just seeing you.
And who knows, perhaps she will!

DCFC79

I have to agree with the others, moving in together isn't going to work well not at the moment anyway.

Marvel1

I have always wondered in these situations does the step parent also not get involved in not telling the child off when coing something wrong or ensuring they finish their food when they don't want to.

lessonlearned

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Whilst I agree with much of your post, the difference is that you are talking about your own children. This is not the OP's own child, she is a child who comes as part of a package and may in the end be a price he is not willing to pay for living with her mother.

I understand if this is the case, I would have felt (and still would feel) the same. I would not have wanted to put huge restrictions on my life for someone else's small child. I found it difficult enough with my own!

To the OP, do not move in together until you have worked out an agreement you are both happy with.

You are right SDW. I was talking about my own experiences of being a parent.....I wanted to try and explain That parenthood comes with a price, that price being some level of sacrifice.

Whether you are a natural parent or step parent, you still have to make some sacrifices, because in either case parenthood is a huge commitment. To say that you can’t or don’t want to put ”huge restrictions on your life because the child is not yours” is somewhat disengenious. Children come with restrictions - end of. :rotfl:

As Kyrir points out staying with someone 4-6 times a week is not the same as living with someone 24/7. However you look at it, moving in together is a game changer and is a commitment, even without a adding a child into the mix. .

The simple truth is children eat into a huge chunk of your time, money, energy and freedom. There are no half measures, you are either a parent or you are not, there’s no such thing as a part time parent, step or otherwise. If someone can’t accept this then they are not ready to take on a family. You are either part of a family or you are not. If you need a lot of freedom and personal space then it’s best to remain single.

By the sound of it UplandHigh works very long hours, commutes, is on call and needs downtime to unwind. He appears to need a fair bit of “alone time”. Nothing wrong with that, some people need more than others. But....... to think that he can move in with his girlfriend and her child, continue with his present workload and still have enough personal space is unrealistic at this stage. Something will have to give, compromises will have to be made. If that is not possible and they can’t come to a workable solution then perhaps it is better to put things on hold for now.

Off the top of my head I can think of several scenarios that would work, in fact I have already made a couple of suggestions regarding both childcare arrangements and exercise and gym requirements. However for these solutions to be effective then both parties would need to be open to change. I am not sure that they are ready yet to make the necessary changes.

I haven’t gone into the financial aspect of things because so many posters have given UplanHigh such good advice. I would only be repeating what has been said. I do have very real concerns however and would advise UplandsHigh to be extremely cautious. There are so many financial pitfalls ahead.

I was purely advising on the logistics of work/childcare and trying to warn UplandsHigh that if you take on a child, whether that child is “yours” or not, won’t, realistically, make much difference to the levels of demand that child will make.

If you want a family, ready made or not, then you have to take the rough with the smooth and accept that it will involve sacrifices. Not everyone can do it. There’s no shame or disgrace in admitting you don’t feel up to it. In such cases it’s best to just stick to the status quo for now.

If said girlfriend is pushing for more commitment from UplandsHigh, then she also needs to examine her own level of commitment because at the moment she appears to want to continue having the freedoms of a singleton.

That actually appears to be the crux of the matter, both parties appear not quite ready to commit yet.

In any relationship there comes a point where to a certain degree you do have to “take a leap of faith” because of course there are no guarantees that things will work out. However, before taking that leap of faith it is better to try and iron out a few kinks first. In this case the obvious kinks are their attitudes to money, the levels of debt they both have, and the logistics of childcare. I think they also need to determine just exactly what they want out of this relationship. I asked about further children and UplandsHigh was a bit vague, neither a definite no, nor a definite yes, just a “unlikely because of her age”.

That issue also needs addressing properly. Have they actually discussed this, doesn’t sound like it. This is just one of many issues that needs ironing out. There’s a lot to thrash out yet before they are ready to move in together.

nicechap

I agree with a lot of the other posters, this is likely to be a very unbalanced arrangement. I'm sure you get something out of the current arrangements - will you lose that in the new set up.

The other thing that I'd be worried about, given your GF's attitude to past debt and her current prolific spending, I wouldn't be surprised if she saw the new address as an opportunity to get new credit & store cards.

ska_lover

I was disgusted at the way some posters were speaking to the Op in the early stages of this thread


If a guy was reading this, and considering dating a single parent, he would run a mile

why the hell would a single guy want to get involved with a single mother - if the expectation is that he completely change his life - whilst the mother makes no sacrifice whatsoever - even though she is the one with the child, the baggage, the debt, etc - what of value is she actually bringing to the table / other than baggage from her past?

The woman, shes coming across as a mess who needs rescuing, and not that appealing to be in a relationship with