For those nearing/in retirement who decided against having children...

fairy_lights

lobbyludd wrote: »

I have never known such depth of pain before I had children.

And primarily for me, and most people I know it is hard emotionally: it is brutal to watch them suffering and know you cannot (or in some cases should not) do anything to remove that suffering. The worry when they go through their firsts (argument with friend, time at school, out on their own). Having to make decisions that will shape someone else's life and emotional well-being without ever knowing for certain you are doing the right thing. "Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body".

Oh my god that all sounds absolutely horrific :eek: Is it like that all the time?

AylesburyDuck

fairy_lights wrote: »

Oh my god that all sounds absolutely horrific :eek: Is it like that all the time?

God no,
Personally think that was VERY overly dramatic.;)

bugslet

Not_Me_Officer wrote: »

It isn't because i don't particularly care but more because i don't really think i have a burning desire for anything. My wife says i'm broken. :rotfl: I don't get overly emotional that way so for those who do, i guess you wont understand me just like i don't understand those who do get so emotional.

.

I don't understand them either, says the woman whose Mum died very suddenly late one night and was back in work at 6a.m.

Not read the whole thread, but FWIW.

Just turned 53, no kids, never wanted them. At age 29 I was earning around £90.00 a week at a manual job, now I earn well over the average and technically can afford to retire if I want to ( though not as well as some on the pension board), so thinking of your earnings now, does not reflect what they might be later.

I've no idea if I'm going for a slow decline or fast death, hopefully the latter, but I'd never have factored care in my old age in a decision to have kids.

I've enjoyed the freedom of not having children, financially it's been beneficial, I'm just not maternal. Personally I think unless you really want one, don't have one. I have a friend who loves her two children, but wishes in retrospect that she had never had them.

Red-Squirrel_2

Not_Me_Officer wrote: »

You're chatting to the worlds worst procrastinator. If i didn't do things i wasn't 100% sure about i'd not get much done There comes a time where you just decide and just do and stick with it.

There's plenty of people out there who had their reservations and it turned out just fine.

Yeah but, when you're talking about bring a life into the world, creating a new person who's whole life will be deeply affected by how you parent them, then I don't think that's really good enough.

I'm sure most of us know people who've had kids because it was the done and expected thing, or because they'd never really thought about it and just always assumed they would, and sometimes it turns out ok but there are also times when you can see from the outside that its actually a really unhappy family, with troubled kids and miserable adults and that nobody has benefitted from just doing it and hoping it would 'turn out just fine'.

AylesburyDuck

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Yeah but, when you're talking about bring a life into the world, creating a new person who's whole life will be deeply affected by how you parent them, then I don't think that's really good enough.

I'm sure most of us know people who've had kids because it was the done and expected thing, or because they'd never really thought about it and just always assumed they would, and sometimes it turns out ok but there are also times when you can see from the outside that its actually a really unhappy family, with troubled kids and miserable adults and that nobody has benefitted from just doing it and hoping it would 'turn out just fine'.

Swings both ways, i've seen absolutely super salt of the Earth types whom you would have thought would be wonderful parents turn out to be absolutely shocking.
Their is no right or wrong.

Red-Squirrel_2

AylesburyDuck wrote: »

Swings both ways, i've seen absolutely super salt of the Earth types whom you would have thought would be wonderful parents turn out to be absolutely shocking.
Their is no right or wrong.

There is right and wrong, what there isn't is any guarantee of how things will turn out.

People who have desperately wanted kids can and do end up regretting having them. That doesn't mean they were wrong to have them when they really wanted them, it means they've been unlucky and its a very sad situation.

Having them when you don't really completely want them would, in my opinion, be very wrong. Yes there's a good chance it will turn out fine and you'll love them more than anything and never have regrets, but you're not just gambling with your own life you're gambling with the life of a child who has no choice in the matter.

AylesburyDuck

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

There is right and wrong, what there isn't is any guarantee of how things will turn out.

People who have desperately wanted kids can and do end up regretting having them. That doesn't mean they were wrong to have them when they really wanted them, it means they've been unlucky and its a very sad situation.

Having them when you don't really completely want them would, in my opinion, be very wrong. Yes there's a good chance it will turn out fine and you'll love them more than anything and never have regrets, but you're not just gambling with your own life you're gambling with the life of a child who has no choice in the matter.

But wasnt the conversation on whether to HAVE kids or not and on that their is most definitely not a right or wrong.
You tried making it about people who didnt give it much thought doing a bad job, and sorry, i'm going to pull you up about it!
Bad parenting can happen because of many situations, it's not a perfect world.

Red-Squirrel_2

AylesburyDuck wrote: »

But wasnt the conversation on whether to HAVE kids or not and on that their is most definitely not a right or wrong.

But I do think its wrong to go ahead and have a child if you aren't 100% sure you really want that child.

That's the point I was making, I don't think you've quite understood what I was saying.

AylesburyDuck

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

But I do think its wrong to go ahead and have a child if you aren't 100% sure you really want that child.

That's the point I was making, I don't think you've quite understood what I was saying.

Very poorly put then.

Red-Squirrel_2

AylesburyDuck wrote: »

Very poorly put then.

Or very poorly comprehended!