For those nearing/in retirement who decided against having children...

ciderboy2009

When my wife and I got married nearly 25 years ago we had already decided that we weren't going to have any kids. The sole reason for this was that we're both too selfish and enjoy spending our money on ourselves :-)

My wife has retired this year & I'm a few years behind her & we've never regretted our decision.

Over the years we've seen a load of our friends who earn much more than us have their kids and then suddenly not be able to do the things they want to. We've seen a few divorces amongst them for this reason.

In the meantime, we've visited some great places all over the world & done some amazing things.

We've got no regrets whatsoever. However, we have been lucky as our siblings have all had children (and now grandchildren) so there's always at least one child we can spoil a bit if we want.

catkins

Gavin83 wrote: »

I know two women who have said they regret having children and if they could go back they'd not have them. On the other hand despite having more male friends I don't know any men who have said they regret having children.

One woman I know is quite extreme. She's only just recently had her child, shes about 18 months. She's quite clear that she hates being a mum and she doesn't like her child. She never wanted kids but was told the usual that she'll change her mind when she has her own, problem is she hasn't. She heavily resents her child for the decision she made and it's a sad situation overall. So no, not all mothers change.

This. It's not western countries who are breeding too much, actually in the UK we aren't breeding enough. It's generally the poorer countries who are breeding at massive rates and therefore such a decision made by someone in this country will make no difference.

However saying that anyone who says they don't want children purely to stop the overpopulation of the world is lying or coming up with an excuse to justify their decision. People don't want children simply because they don't want children. It's such an inbuilt desire that if your coming up with such logical reasons you just don't want them.

Over the years I have met quite a few women and men who say although they do love their children, if they could go back in time, they would not have any. Most of them are divorced and, rightly or wrongly, feel that having children is one of the main reasons their marriage failed.

As I said, there were a few reasons me and OH decided not to have children which I do not intend going into on here. One of them though was overpopulation and that we both felt/feel the world is not a particularly nice place to bring children into.

I am a great worrier and have worried enough about my nieces and nephews and worry still for their futures. I am just so glad when I look at things like the terrorist attacks, global warming, the extinction of so many animals and problems in this country re housing, jobs etc that we didn't bring any children into the world

Red-Squirrel_2

ciderboy2009 wrote: »

The sole reason for this was that we're both too selfish and enjoy spending our money on ourselves :-)

I think you're being a bit hard on yourself there, it seems far more selfish to me to have a kid you don't particularly really want just so you can have someone to look out for you/fight your corner in your old age.

Jenniefour

Here's another perspective. It's not necessarily how much you earn over your lifetime that will determine how much money you have when you retire - it's what choices you make about what to do with your income when you're of working age that can affect how much you have to retire on. How much of your money you hold onto and put to work for the future. That includes what choices you make now - are you going to be happy with a relatively inexpensive 3 year old car or do you want a top of range BMW, for example.

So, yes, children do cost money but you've asked a hugely complex question, parts of which there are no easy answers to, and is more dependent on how you make choices, how willing to take risk and so on. So, it's not necessarily helpful to see having children (or not) as defining your much longer term future financially. And another factor is what curveballs might be thrown at you - bad and good - that were not within your control at all, and how you cope with these and decisions you make about what to do.

no1catman

Agree with the last comment.

Never wanted children, had a dread of hearing bad news about the 'baby' for some reason. Moreover, can't stand screaming kids, sets my 'teeth on edge'.

I remember snogging my girlfriend in the back of a car, and she said 'I want to have your babies' - argh!!

I'm retired, saved well - first car was in my fifties, on 3rd car bought eight years ago - now 15 yrs old. Still, if I had children (never been in a situation where the choice arose) I know I wouldn't be able to afford the semi I'm in now.

barbiedoll

I don't think that the majority of parents decided to have children based on costings and the perceived benefit of having someone to care for them in old age (most parents hate the thought of being dependant on their kids for care)

The decision to have a baby, from a woman's point of view at least, is often a result of a deep biological urge. You can dress it up any way you like, "keeping a relationship alive" or "my family expects it" etc, etc, but for most of us, it's just something that happens, whether we like it or not. Lots of women successfully fight against this urge, some women never even experience it, but many, many women who have been happily childless for years, are surprised at the sudden awakening of their biological clock....I know that I was!

Circumstances change, fortunes change, you can't always have the future that you plan for. But I really think that you should only have children if you BOTH want them. It shouldn't be an experiment, and your children shouldn't be planned as some sort of guarantee for your retirement.

If you really, really want a baby, then have one. If not, don't.

FBaby

Over the years I have met quite a few women and men who say although they do love their children, if they could go back in time, they would not have any

It's interesting that it seems to be more childless people who have been told this. I've never heard this once. So either they feel they can be honest to people without being judge as parents would, or they say it because they think that doing so will make childless people feel better!

MrsNubs

Pollycat wrote: »

Mothers say you change when you've given birth.
But I'm sure that not all women do.

I HATE this stupid phrase. "Oh, it'll be different when it's your own" - it's sanctimonious and patronising. My sister never wanted children. She eventually had a baby. When her baby was about a month old she said to me "Everyone said it would be different when it was mine. It's not. I hate it" ("It" was how she referred to her daughter!) I wonder how many women had children they didn't particularly want believing they'd change their mind "because it was their own" and found themselves in a miserable situation.

Jackmydad

catkins wrote: »

Me and OH are both in our early 60's. We were early 20's when we got married.

We discussed having children at length and decided against it. There were a few reasons but the main one was that we both believe the world is already overpopulated and we were not going to add to it.

We have honestly never ever regretted our decision. In fact as time has gone by we have been more and more glad that we did decide not to have any.

Almost exactly the same here. No offspring and no regrets. We discussed it before we married.

We celebrated our 40th anniversary the other day.

no1catman

When someone tells you - neighbour/friend/colleague/relative that they're 'expecting' (or their partner), do you notice the pause on their part - for when the expected 'congratulations' is supposed to fill?

Do you give in and say it, because it's expected? I wonder if anyone has said what they really think!