For those nearing/in retirement who decided against having children...

fairy_lights

no1catman wrote: »

When someone tells you - neighbour/friend/colleague/relative that they're 'expecting' (or their partner), do you notice the pause on their part - for when the expected 'congratulations' is supposed to fill?

Do you give in and say it, because it's expected? I wonder if anyone has said what they really think!

Why would you not congratulate someone who tells you they're expecting a baby? There's no need to be a !!!! about it.
I don't particularly like Great Danes but if someone told me they were getting a puppy I would still congratulate them.

no1catman

Would you, wouldn't you tease them at least about the cost of food with a big dog like that. Let alone all the exercise it will need. But then again depends too if they have suitable accommodation.

Gavin83

FBaby wrote: »

It's interesting that it seems to be more childless people who have been told this. I've never heard this once. So either they feel they can be honest to people without being judge as parents would, or they say it because they think that doing so will make childless people feel better!

Who knows. All I can say is it's happened to me twice as I said earlier. One was as extreme as her saying she hates her child and it's the biggest mistake shes ever made.

no1catman wrote: »

When someone tells you - neighbour/friend/colleague/relative that they're 'expecting' (or their partner), do you notice the pause on their part - for when the expected 'congratulations' is supposed to fill?

Do you give in and say it, because it's expected? I wonder if anyone has said what they really think!

There's a difference between not wanting children and not being happy for someone who does want a child. If someone wants children and they're pregnant why wouldn't you be happy for them and offer your congratulations?

Jenniefour

fairy_lights wrote: »

Why would you not congratulate someone who tells you they're expecting a baby?

Perhaps those who are trying, have recently tried and no success, and are now having to deal with the (potential) loss. Can be horribly difficult time for them when they're reminded that they will/might not be able to have a much wanted baby.

Otherwise, I'd agree with you - unless I already knew the pregnancy was not welcome news to the newly pregnant.

Red-Squirrel_2

no1catman wrote: »

Would you, wouldn't you tease them at least about the cost of food with a big dog like that. Let alone all the exercise it will need. But then again depends too if they have suitable accommodation.

That sounds like a great way to end up with no friends, whether they have children, dogs or neither!

Do you really not say congratulations and instead tease people who tell you they are having a baby (or getting a Great Dane!) and are happy about it?

Brighton_belle

FBaby wrote: »

It's interesting that it seems to be more childless people who have been told this. I've never heard this once. So either they feel they can be honest to people without being judge as parents would, or they say it because they think that doing so will make childless people feel better!

But saying it to make the childless feel better doesn't mean they don't also completely mean it. I do think it would be far harder to say it to someone else with children.

Red-Squirrel_2

FBaby wrote: »

It's interesting that it seems to be more childless people who have been told this. I've never heard this once. So either they feel they can be honest to people without being judge as parents would, or they say it because they think that doing so will make childless people feel better!

That would be very insensitive if they were saying it to somebody who wanted children but hadn't been able to have them, sort of "I was lucky enough to have them but I don't even want them anymore" when its something the other person very much wants.

Kind of like complaining about how having too much money is a real chore to somebody homeless with nothing.

sulphate

silvercar wrote: »

If it's partly a financial worry, have you costed up all the child tax credits, child benefit and childcare help you would get? For someone on relatively low incomes these would really help.

My DH and I earn very similar incomes and I don't think they are relatively low - we manage fine. Also, we don't qualify for child tax credits or any childcare help.

Robisere

I had a family when much younger and when the relationship ended I had to leave behind, in another country, a partner who almost drove me to suicide, and two children, one of each gender. That still hurts today, I can still hear them screaming for me. After some years alone back in the UK, I met a divorced lady with a son and daughter who were within months of the ages of the two I had left behind. I fell in love: first with the lady who saved my life and taught me how to love again and to accept being loved. Then, gradually, with two young people who had suffered a very bad biological father. They have called me dad for a long time now and have given me what I never expected to have: four lovely grandchildren. I am a part of something that I never expected to be a part of - a close and loving family. Our ds and dd were teenagers when I came into their lives, so I never saw them grow from childhood. But I have been the first grandparent to hold each one as they were born (it became a family tradition) and it has been the joy of my life to watch them grow.

We are not by any means wealthy and have struggled in the past, but we pull together as a unit and we look after each other. I get a hug and a kiss from everyone and we often have impromptu "group hugs" at family 'do's' - of which there are many.

I cannot tell you, OP, or indeed any others here, whether having children or not having children would be good or bad for yourselves. That must be your own decision. But I can tell you that my life was empty and meaningless before I met my wife and family. I just didn't know that it was empty and meaningless, until I had the chance to know the difference.

-taff

I never wanted children. I did go through a stage in my mid thirties when it seemed like not such a bad idea, I think it was biology speaking.
I resisted the urge.
I do occasionally wonder how it will be without a family to be there when I'm older, but I'll get myself lots of cats and they can eat me when I die.