For those nearing/in retirement who decided against having children...

Pricivius

I'm in my late 30s and have never wanted children. Various reasons, which have changed over time and some of what others have posted has resonated with me. But also the following:


1. I don't think the world needs any more of me. I know I'm a little different and see things in a strange way, and I'm not sure that's helpful to society. When the OP refers to being unemotional, I am totally in the next tent at that camp!


2. I could not be responsible for putting someone else through this life. I don't mean terrorism or wars or drug abuse or any of the hideous things society throws at us. I just mean the day to day struggles and the huge complexity of getting through life. I often feel like I am fighting fires just to stumble on to the next issue, and emotionally, life is difficult. Why would I want to put someone else through that? I couldn't do it.


As others have said, wanting kids usually starts with a biological urge. I don't have that.

AylesburyDuck

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Or very poorly comprehended!

If you say so. :rotfl:

MonkeyDr

(Apologies if this has been covered elsewhere - I have not read through the entire thread)

OP, do your close friends have kids? I am not much older than you, and in my experience people's attitudes seemed to change as more and more of their friends have kids. I have several close friends who were pretty ambivalent about kids, and now really want them, perhaps seeing how great we (as parents) think they are, despite the sleep deprivation, mess, lack of me-time, tantrums etc.

But my friends are around 40 now, and getting pregnant is proving very challenging, and may simply never happen for some, and that carries its own heartache.

I am lucky: despite being very career-focussed, I always knew I wanted kids, and while it is hard and challenging, my partner and I are very happy with our little family. Of course what is right for you may be very different, and I'm not trying to persuade you either way.

But the whole thing somehow seems very 'unfair' in that it is generally a time-limited offer, especially for women. Please make you that you and your partner are completely honest with each other. I think the anguish of being childless not-by-choice can be uniquely devastating, and the later you leave it to decide the more likely that outcome is.

(on a practical note, fwiw, we have bought most of our baby stuff secondhand. They don't care).

justme111

Not_Me_Officer wrote: »

A few.

I'm not one of those people who likes to throw cliches around too much such as never have regrets.

I chose to stop education at 6th form level. I wish i'd have gone on further ... but then i probably wouldn't have met my wife.

.

That's is a good example . You think earning and career wise it was not a good move. ( mind, you never know. You might have had a nervous breakdown while in 6th form , your total life contentment may be higher in a present life scenario than it would have been in a one where 6th form was done.) But it made you into who you are now so even it you regret it there is no sting in that regret. Simular with children. They become part of you , they change you and you just accept what you are.

Not_Me_Officer

Pollycat wrote: »

I never, ever thought - even briefly - about what happens when me or my partner dies.
It's never concerned me, it's never concerned my OH.

This is where we differ then & i guess is why you have your viewpoint and i have mine. I don't know where i said it, maybe it was in the pensions forum as linked on page 1 of this thread, but wherever it was - i remember thinking about death quite a bit from a very early age. I don't know why. I didn't have a close family member die until i was 28 but it's something that i've often thought about throughout life starting very young.

Anyway i actually liked your post, it's just i noted a recurring theme which i wanted to address - that we would not be having a child just to care for us in later life. That'd be ridiculous, so i wanted to make that clear.

lobbyludd wrote: »

H
Forgive me, but almost all of your arguments so far for having them or not don't so far seem to have much of an insight into how it will really be emotionally either for yourself or for them. I wonder if you have nephews and nieces?

To be honest i came here for things i was unsure about.
I was/am unsure about coping financially, specifically in later life ... so i asked about it.
I also didn't know what other peoples viewpoints were from the position where they can look back (since everyone i know in that age group has at least one child).

The reason i don't speak or ask about the emotional side of things is because i am quite sure that we can handle it.

Our relationship is very strong so i'm sure we can manage just fine. That isn't underestimating the job at all, i'm just saying i'm sure we can manage.
My mother had my brother & sister when i was 7 & 9 so i was 'aware' of things going on rather than if i was younger. I was aware of what needed doing, what couldn't be done, so on & so forth. It's easy for an adult to say a child is clueless until they turn [insert age here which suits argument] but i was aware. I know what i believe worked when my parents did their parenting (to give one example - my dad always being there to help if asked & without complaint, regardless of how busy he was or how much it put him out). and i know what i believe didn't work (example - my mothers smothering of my brother resulting in an early 20 something asking how do you do beans on toast (seriously), as well as many other things that i believe are a result of smothering).

I'm sick to death of (one person on our Facebook in particular) telling us we have no idea about parenting and that our views would change once we have kids (i say once). No, the only thing is we would be able to carry out our views rather than just have our views on parenting without a child to carry them out on.

e.g. "not to mention it may upset the kids" was this tongue in cheek? - because it would be devastating for them to know, or suspect (and they would) that you regretted having them. If you have a child and regret it, it will primarily be awful for the child, you could ruin the entire course of their life.

It was & it wasn't. I actually know of 2 people who ended up finding out / got told and the outcomes were different, in both situations it was the dad who said it and in both situations the relationship wasn't the best to begin with.

One child basically didn't care. He figured as much anyway.
The other worked with his dad & overheard his dad saying it to a co-worker. He walked out of work & didn't come back for a while (his dad was also his boss).

Also - not to derail the thread - it's quite probable that the person you reference did not have a child just to get a house

Trust me, i know them ... they did.

Not_Me_Officer

bugslet wrote: »

I don't understand them either, says the woman whose Mum died very suddenly late one night and was back in work at 6a.m.

Wow you sound just like my dad. Not once did i ever see him cry in 28 years until he died. Sure i saw him get angry but never upset.
I remember him telling me about when his mother died (before my time). No tears at all. They weren't even distant but equally didn't live in each others pockets. He told me he was at work in the morning on the farm, left to go to the funeral & then once it was over he was back at work again just like you'd nip out for the dentist or something.

That's beyond my level of lacking emotions i've got to say.



Thank you for the rest of your post though

Not_Me_Officer

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Having them when you don't really completely want them would, in my opinion, be very wrong.

I get the impression you're saying that we/I "don't really want [one]".

TBH i think forcing your outlook on someone else is also ... very wrong.

I've been aware from a very early age as said before that i for whatever reason seem to view things, the world, different to the majority. Throughout primary i was aware my thinking was different. Not better, not elevated, not restricted, just different to the majority. Secondary school the same, work life the same.

I just accepted it. I often wonder why it's that way. It can't be because i'm an only child - there's many others like that. Maybe it was because i was an only child and i was brought up in an area away from other children so i had to amuse myself until i went to school & then outside of school time i had to amuse myself again. Who knows, i know i don't.

It'll all make zero sense without examples but it's hard to explain so you'll just have to take my word.

I can accept that for some they feel you should want more than anything in the world to have a child ...... and then go and have one. That's their viewpoint. They're not right, they're not wrong. It's just their outlook & their decision based on that.

So when i say that we want one but that we're thinking about the impact in later life financially (that isn't the sole reason btw but it's the one i'm unsure about) what i don't appreciate is for people to turn around and say ....... oh you don't want them bad enough then. You can't want one really then. If you wanted one then you'd have had one so you can't REALLY want one.

Who are these people to force their viewpoint on me? Or at least try to because it wont happen.

I think of someone we know who had a child, complained so much about cost, can't afford, had family handouts but didn't want those handing the money out to have much to do with the child ..........so went and had another, complained about money, got handouts, complained about the person doing the handing out but was happy to take the handouts ...... and went and had an unexpected 'nother

I personally think that's very irresponsible. I want therefore i'll have attitude & stuff the consequences.

BUT the key thing is ... do i force my view on them? No! Do i put my view forward to them? No!
Why? Because it doesn't matter what i think. It's their life & their decision so good luck to them. It's not what i'd do but i wouldn't say that they are right or wrong.


No offence to you here. Your viewpoint is just one i've seen come up time & time again in the 2 threads i've made and yours just so happens to be the one that eventually made me comment on it.

So just because i look at things from as many angles as i possibly can to see if we can do it doesn't make me wrong, doesn't make me not want something, it just means i'm different to you.

Not everyone has the "i want therefore i'll have" attitude. Some people may be like me - "i want but can i have, is it a good idea to have, can it work if i have".

Doesn't mean i want it any less.

Not_Me_Officer

MonkeyDr wrote: »

OP, do your close friends have kids?

I'm going to be honest here - we don't have any. I know that may raise eyebrows but there you go. We have workmates & family. My wife does socialise with her workmates outside of work from time to time although not regularly, but yeah that's the situation. I know many will think oh how sad but tbh i don't mind, it works for us. We have family & each other. We're kinda socially awkward & don't make friends very easily because of it but that's life & it doesn't bother us a great deal.

I am not much older than you, and in my experience people's attitudes seemed to change as more and more of their friends have kids. I have several close friends who were pretty ambivalent about kids, and now really want them, perhaps seeing how great we (as parents) think they are, despite the sleep deprivation, mess, lack of me-time, tantrums etc.

See all that side doesn't bother me a great deal. I don't know what your childs life can be broken down in to but there'll be stages.
For example - the stage right from day 1 where basically all they do is eat & poop. It doesn't last very long. May feel like it but it doesn't last long.
The pre-school years.
The primary school years which can possibly be broken into 2 halves maybe? I don't know.
Secondary school years, i know there's most certainly a split here - the nice early high school child & the stroppy elder high school child.

They all last different timeframes.

Then the one that is the longest - adult life. Looking back, from a personal viewpoint i enjoyed my time as a child the most with my mother but my time as an adult the most with my dad.

But anyway, all the early lack of sleep etc, it doesn't last very long really, not in the grand scheme of things.
I know some may say to catch me out that even as your child is an adult you will be up all night worrying whether they've made it home from a party for example, but that's more on the individual parents personality than anything else.

But the whole thing somehow seems very 'unfair' in that it is generally a time-limited offer, especially for women. Please make you that you and your partner are completely honest with each other. I think the anguish of being childless not-by-choice can be uniquely devastating, and the later you leave it to decide the more likely that outcome is.

(on a practical note, fwiw, we have bought most of our baby stuff secondhand. They don't care).

We've discussed this possibility & said that if it came to that then we would just accept it. We wouldn't try these treatments. We'd just accept it.

Poor_Single_lady

It must be hard not feeling strongly one way or the other. I thought most people would have feelings on one side-
And then get very upset even thinking about the other option!

To be in the middle seems quite unusual and quite a tough place to be.

Red-Squirrel_2

Not_Me_Officer wrote: »

I get the impression you're saying that we/I "don't really want [one]".

Only you know that for certain, and only your partner knows if its the case for her too.

You both need to want it, badly, or its not fair to the child. I stand by that. If it comes to it that you do want to be a parent very much, good luck. If you don't ever feel that strongly about it, I hope you do the right thing.

Nobody is forcing their opinion on you, you came here asking for opinions.