For those nearing/in retirement who decided against having children...

Kynthia

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Only you know that for certain, and only your partner knows if its the case for her too.

You both need to want it, badly, or its not fair to the child. I stand by that. If it comes to it that you do want to be a parent very much, good luck. If you don't ever feel that strongly about it, I hope you do the right thing.

Nobody is forcing their opinion on you, you came here asking for opinions.

I disagree. I don't believe the strength of your desire to have children or the level of broodiness you experience is directly linked to how much you love them once they are here, how selfless and hardworking you are, and how much you want to be a good parent.

Kim_13

I'm an only child (my parents were around your ages when they had me.)

It's cool when you're younger, as everyone else's siblings stole this, broke that or were hogging the TV/computer/PlayStation (or whatever other console was in fashion.) When you get a bit older, it isn't. I was in my late teens when I started to wish I had a sibling.

My best friend is also an only child and still doesn't mind. I think the extended family is a factor. Hers is fairly big and she has a cousin 2 years apart in age who is also an only child, so they're really close. My cousins either have a sibling or are twice my age, so we're not close.

Pollycat

Not_Me_Officer wrote: »

I get the impression you're saying that we/I "don't really want [one]".

TBH i think forcing your outlook on someone else is also ... very wrong.

So when i say that we want one but that we're thinking about the impact in later life financially (that isn't the sole reason btw but it's the one i'm unsure about) what i don't appreciate is for people to turn around and say ....... oh you don't want them bad enough then. You can't want one really then. If you wanted one then you'd have had one so you can't REALLY want one.

Who are these people to force their viewpoint on me? Or at least try to because it wont happen.

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Only you know that for certain, and only your partner knows if its the case for her too.

You both need to want it, badly, or its not fair to the child. I stand by that. If it comes to it that you do want to be a parent very much, good luck. If you don't ever feel that strongly about it, I hope you do the right thing.

Nobody is forcing their opinion on you, you came here asking for opinions.

This ^^^^ exactly.
When you post on a public forum asking for opinions/advice, that's what you get - opinions & advice.
They may be opinions you don't like and it may be advice that you don't want to take.
But ask on a public forum and people will comply.

How can anyone force their outlook or viewpoint on you?

This is what you asked for and I think it's what you've got - certainly from my posts:

Not_Me_Officer wrote: »

I'm really firing this out there to those who are say 55/60+, who decided against having children and now you are either nearing retirement or are in it can look back on their life & decision. Don't worry though, we're not going to base any decision on an MSE response It'd just be nice to hear the viewpoint of these people who are in a position i may not be in for for another 30 years.

MrsNubs

lobbyludd wrote: »

e.g. "not to mention it may upset the kids" was this tongue in cheek? - because it would be devastating for them to know, or suspect (and they would) that you regretted having them. If you have a child and regret it, it will primarily be awful for the child, you could ruin the entire course of their life.

When I was 19 my mum chose Christmas Day to tell me that the day she found out she was pregnant with me was "the worst day of her life", followed by "if I wasn't a Christian, I would have had an abortion". This hurt, obviously. But I certainly wouldn't say it has ruined the entire course of my life. If anything, I eventually found a positive message in it, as although she was unhappy to be pregnant, she loves me now. It shows that just because someone doesn't desperately want a baby when it's conceived, it doesn't stop them loving the child when it's born or stop them being a good mother.

Several people have said on this thread that if you don't 100% desperately want a baby you shouldn't have one. I don't know that I agree with this. Lots of parents who want a baby turn out to be bad parents, and lots that don't plan their babies are great parents.

justme111

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Only you know that for certain, and only your partner knows if its the case for her too.

You both need to want it, badly, or its not fair to the child. I stand by that. If it comes to it that you do want to be a parent very much, good luck. If you don't ever feel that strongly about it, I hope you do the right thing.

Nobody is forcing their opinion on you, you came here asking for opinions.

I disagree and moreover, what you write seems quite bizarre to me. Probably most of those who were born were not adamantly passionately desired by both parents. I know of a few children who were accidents , they are loved just the same or even more. I know some that were passionately desired and they are not particularly emotionally stable or happy.
An opinion can not be forced but I understand where op is coming from - repeating categorically the same on an emotional subject judging people as bad parents without any reasoning explanation or analysis may seem like it. If I stated that people who plan to have only one child should not have any otherwise they are shortchanging that child and it is not fair on that child - what would the responses be ?
Or if I say that in my opinion driving license should be given only to people who passionately loved cars and would buy a 10 k car because otherwise it would be unfair on other road users? You would have said it is an utter tosh. That is what people say when someone makes strong statements that have no proof and offend probably about half of us who either know that their parents did not really really wanted to have a baby before their conception or had children themselves without really really wanting them.

Not_Me_Officer

I was ready for the 'you asked our opinion' reply. It's sort of knee jerk.

Well you'll find that I asked people of age 55+ who had made the choice to not have children how they felt now looking backwards. That's basically the reasoning for this thread here.

What I didn't ask was do you think if I don't just go ahead and create one this second because I want one more than anything in the world... does that therefore mean that I must surely not want one at all.
I didn't ask that because I know what I want and know what I don't want.
Not only do I know what I want but I know what I want more than someone I don't even know knows what I want

So yes I did ask for a viewpoint you're right about that, but it wasn't about what I want or don't want because I know that already.

Pollycat

Not_Me_Officer wrote: »

I was ready for the 'you asked our opinion' reply. It's sort of knee jerk.

Well you'll find that I asked people of age 55+ who had made the choice to not have children how they felt now looking backwards. That's basically the reasoning for this thread here.

Well, you'll find that I fit that criteria and commented accordingly.
Te reiterate:
Never wanted kids.
Don't regret it.

Not_Me_Officer wrote: »

What I didn't ask was do you think if I don't just go ahead and create one this second because I want one more than anything in the world... does that therefore mean that I must surely not want one at all.
I didn't ask that because I know what I want and know what I don't want.
Not only do I know what I want but I know what I want more than someone I don't even know knows what I want

So yes I did ask for a viewpoint you're right about that, but it wasn't about what I want or don't want because I know that already.

When you put your life out on a public forum, you'll get replies of all sorts - quite often they'll be off-topic and maybe they'll be what you don't want to read/hear.
You can't pick and choose what replies you get.

Red-Squirrel_2

Not_Me_Officer wrote: »

I was ready for the 'you asked our opinion' reply. It's sort of knee jerk.

Well you'll find that I asked people of age 55+ who had made the choice to not have children how they felt now looking backwards. That's basically the reasoning for this thread here.

What I didn't ask was do you think if I don't just go ahead and create one this second because I want one more than anything in the world... does that therefore mean that I must surely not want one at all.
I didn't ask that because I know what I want and know what I don't want.
Not only do I know what I want but I know what I want more than someone I don't even know knows what I want

So yes I did ask for a viewpoint you're right about that, but it wasn't about what I want or don't want because I know that already.

That's forums for you. Anybody can comment, you can't control what responses you get, and you really should realise that when you post.

If you know what you want and what you don't want, why bother in the first place? :rotfl:

fairy_lights

I'm genuinely confused about what the OP is complaining about now. He's got a very well thought out bunch of replies but somehow they weren't what he wanted to hear?
Why bother even trying to help people?

Not_Me_Officer

On the contrary ... they WERE what i wanted to hear.

What I wanted to hear was others peoples views on themselves as they look back and plenty of people came with just that. I appreciate each and every one of those posts.

And when I say I want something and then someone else basically says no you don't .... well I think it's just best that we agree to disagree on that one. I can maintain that I want what I want and you can maintain that I don't want what I want and we can both be happy that we're right.

Let's drink to that :beer: