For those nearing/in retirement who decided against having children...

Not_Me_Officer

Some of you may dip into the pensions and retirement forum on this board so may be aware of our situation. This isn't mum or dad specific so i couldn't put it in either of those forums so that's why i'm placing it here.

I'm really firing this out there to those who are say 55/60+, who decided against having children and now you are either nearing retirement or are in it can look back on their life & decision. Don't worry though, we're not going to base any decision on an MSE response It'd just be nice to hear the viewpoint of these people who are in a position i may not be in for for another 30 years.


Basically i'm 34 & my wife is 35 and we're at the stage where we decide should we or not. I always wanted kids (plural) although i confess it was never a burning desire. It isn't because i don't particularly care but more because i don't really think i have a burning desire for anything. My wife says i'm broken. :rotfl: I don't get overly emotional that way so for those who do, i guess you wont understand me just like i don't understand those who do get so emotional.

My wife on the other hand never wanted kids. We talked about it briefly earlier in the relationship (together 14 years) so we were aware of the others stance. In recent years my wife has changed her viewpoint to having days where she'd like one and days where it's just nice to have your own time.

We earn a combined 38k gross - i'm about 20k, my wife is about 18k so money is a concern, primarily for retirement since our pots are fairly small (hence why i posted in that forum first).

We've come to the stage where if we have one then it'll be that - only one.

Because i'm not so emotional, i've already noticed that i'm approaching this like a business decision (which i do with everything money related) which isn't helping the decision any on my part.

We see-saw through the pros and cons and for the most part i'm sure we'll do fine. Sure i appreciate it'll be difficult financially but i'm sure we'll manage between now and when the child leaves home. All the other stuff that goes with it is just life and i'm sure we'll cope with that also.
What concerns me is things like will we be able to save for retirement, how long will we have to work etc. My job is already physically demanding for example & i wouldn't want to be doing it into my 70s.

so because of that we're just running it round our heads at the moment trying to make a decision.


Now i know all about the cliches ... "you just cope" and "wouldn't change it for the world", but equally i wonder if those in retirement look back and also wouldn't change what they have for the world either.

I've tried to read articles on this online but a lot of it is geared towards the female. Also a lot of it seems to be geared towards people who have the high flying career lifestyle - no children so you can travel the world with your work.

I have no such job. I do a labouring job and there's no region travelling never mind international ...... so i can't relate to these people. I can't relate to the big earners who because of no children were able to do all these expensive activities so those articles are fairly useless to me.

So, after drifting on & off topic through my ramblings there, i was just wondering for those of you who are reaching or have reached retirement and decided not to have children (& didn't decide no just so you could have the high flying career ) are you still happy you made that decision? Do you regret it ... at all? I know it's not the reason we have kids but it doesn't stop you thinking about what happens when you or your partner dies - either you or they will be on their own. If you're taken ill maybe. For example - an elderly relative of mine is quite ill. Without her children and without going into detail, she would've probably died by now, but she has her children looking out for her. The thought of me dying first and leaving my wife alone does concern me. Like i say - it's not the reason you have kids but without them you begin to think about what life (including later life) would be without having any.

I've rambled enough. Hopefully some have made it this far and can post back. It'd be greatly appreciated.

silvercar

If it's partly a financial worry, have you costed up all the child tax credits, child benefit and childcare help you would get? For someone on relatively low incomes these would really help.

Winding forward 20 years plus in the hope that your children will look after you in old age is not that valid, it could easily be that your children don't live anywhere near you.

I would have thought that those without children still have nieces and nephews who look out for them and will also make friends who offer support.

As to what people's views are, I suspect that some people have children in their mid thirties in case they would otherwise regret it. There will also be those in the 50s who do regret not having, but have spent the last decade or more justifying themselves.

Rambling too.

Red-Squirrel_2

If you aren't 100% certain it's what you absolutely definitely want, don't do it. Not fair on the resulting child.

If you regret not doing it, only you suffer.

If you regret doing it, well...

justme111

NMO, it's me again
Can you think of choices you made your life that you regret now?

chesky

The world is such a different place from when I was young. I'm in my 70s now and both my son and daughter were mistakes. They're now in their 50s. I was horrified when I became pregnant for the first time - we weren't married and this was 1961, so we got married. It was what you did then. We jogged along, I went back to work after my son was born and we saved for the deposit on a house. No sooner had we got the mortgage, I became pregnant for the second time. Good timing eh?

We managed and I was at home for the next ten years or so. Eventually it dawned on me that my husband and I would at some point split up, so I went back to work again as I didn't want to be dependent on him when the inevitable happened. We lived together for 18 years, which doesn't seem too bad in the light of the inauspicious start.

The first few years bringing up my children alone were pretty tough, both financially, and emotionally for them.

They have remained close, both to me, their father - who died last year - and to each other, although my son now lives about three hours away from the area both my daughter and I live.

I never thought of myself as particularly maternal - the first baby I ever held was my son. But I can't imagine life without my kids, grandchildren and now great grandson.

I suspect if I'd been born ten years later, improved contraception would have led me to at some point to the same sort of pondering as the OP is having now. I may well have decided not to have children, as they had never featured in my thinking previously.

But I've come to the conclusion that it's not the things you do in life that you regret, it's the things you don't do. So I wouldn't change a thing.

But that's just me.

Sorry it's such a long post (for me, I'm usually short and snappy).

chesky

PS I really, really don't expect or want either of them to care for me in my declining years. I hope to god that I just don't wake up one morning. But if I do start to lose my marbles or generally am unable to cope, then I'll just check into care.

mark5

I wasn't sure about having children but it's the best thing I ever did, the relationship you can have with your children when young can't be compared to any other type of relationship.
Yes children are expensive but I don't think retiring a few years earlier can compensate for what you could miss out on by not having children.

Marvel1

Not sure if helps but being 36, I never want kids, I have 2 nephews who I love and take out for days out, but happily hand them back.

I see people in work taking days off for half term and when they are sick, me I can take it when I went.

For me the cons out weigh the pros to have kids.

Gavin83

I suspect there are people who have kids and love it and also people who have kids and wish they hadn't. Similarly there are those who don't have children who are happy with their decision and others who regret it. Only you really know which category you'd fit into.

Saying that if your approaching this in such a logical way then maybe it isn't for you. Having children has always seemed far from a logical decision and more just an inbuilt desire.

FBaby

I don't think you can approach this question the way you have because what you've forgotten is the fact that people naturally adjust to their situtation to make the best of it. Who wants to live full of regrets?

I don't anyone of retirement age who made the decision not to have children and who either think it's the best decision they've made or deeply regret it.

Most people I know are happy they had children because it enriched their lives, but maybe a few of them would have been very happy too if they hadn't, but they won't mention it to themselves, what would be the point?

I do know two couples who haven't children, not by choice, but because they couldn't. They both tried for years, with all the ups and downs that come with it, and then reached a point when they decided to make the best of what life offers, and yes both of them are coming to retirement age and are loving it. One has a income slightly higher than you, the other about the same. The key stage for them was when they paid their mortgage. They go out a lot, do go on holidays, and just seem much more relaxed. Both seem to have extremely strong marriages.

I agree that approaching the decision to have or not to have children can't be as black or white as you seen to consider it. It's more a case of what decision you go with, you make your bed in it and make the best of it.

*Robin*

David Attenborough said quite recently, that there are now twice as many people on our planet as there were when he began his career.
Twice as many within one man's working lifespan!
..It seems clear the human race cannot allow this exponential growth in numbers to continue if there is to be any decent future at all for our race's descendants, other living beings or indeed the planet itself.

For that reason I would not procreate if I were of an age to do so now, but did not have a burning desire to be a parent.
As it happens I have four adult children (of my heart although not all of my blood - which isn't a distinction I usually admit to). Two of them have a single offspring each, the others will probably remain child-free.

Personally I believe it is about time we all started to appreciate and honour those young people today who choose not to exacerbate our global population problem.