My partner has got me £12k+ in debt

DrWatson1

I think it's really important to delineate the finance and relationship, especially in terms of some of the advice put forward thus far. You're doing the right thing in cutting the cards up and in doing so cutting off any further abuse of your line of credit.

You are both in your mid-twenties. You are both allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. Your other half has acknowledged, sought help and overcome a gambling addiction, which in my mind shows a certain strength of character. He has a well-paying job, so must be fairly bright and just because someone is rubbish at managing money doesn't mean they are a bad person and you should get rid of them. It sounds like he needs to grow up a little, but what 26 year old man doesn't?

In short, don't borrow anymore money, don't lend him anymore money, but don't throw the baby out with the bathwater either.

Hutchch0920

I did a thread search and can't see anywhere the suggestion that OP requires him to take a loan out in his own name in order to pay her back?

Or he sells the fricking Audi? It the debt is genuinely his my first action would be to require him to sell everything that has value to give cash to me and extend his own line of credit.

Candyapple

TinieT wrote: »

He keeps telling me he'll pay it off and in monthly sums once he switches his job. He has a new role coming where he'll get a pay rise but still I can't be totally guaranteed as he might end up finding something else to spend the rise on.

I think the pay rise is just another excuse in a long line of them to buy himself more time to avoid paying you back.

OP are you afraid of what the response will be from your partner by asking to be put first and being a priority debt?

Talk is cheap, and although he may offer words in passing about paying you back and has made minimal gestures of paying a nominal sum and then stopping before the entire debt is cleared, why do you think that is?

It can’t be easy for you being with someone for 7 years, having lent them £12k and being disrespected in such a manner. One could understand if perhaps he was unemployed, but given that he earns £36k and by your words manages to spend money like its water, why is he not putting your name on a standing order for the same/next day after payday for a set amount? Why are you so low down the list, his girlfriend of 7 years, potential wife/mother of his future children, that he can afford to pay for other cards/loans etc. repayments and also at the same time live it up trying to keep up with the Joneses, that you are not even an afterthought?

Do you think he would be the type to break up with you and then try and deny all knowledge of the debt/repaying a penny of it back?

Good luck to you, you sound like you have your head screwed on. I only hope that if he pays off the debt, that you can manage to salvage your relationship because I know I wouldn’t be able to stay with someone who thought so little of me, I would imagine you currently feel lots of resentment towards him now for the position you find yourself in, you may end up realising that you are worth more than someone who treats you as an option rather than a priority.

Puddylove

Hi TinieT
If he loved you, he wouldn't treat you like this.

He is a selfish man-child, who puts his own selfish wants above you and your needs. Tipping people in Singapore, with your money?!

You sound like a lovely person, kind, and giving. Take all that loving and giving, and save it for a man who loves you back.

catandy

Hi


just read thru the whole thread and it could have been me writing 15 years ago, I'm still stuck with my OH who has lived off me for the whole of the time we have been together. It gets harder the longer it goes on and the chances of you being able to rebuild your life/ keep your head above water/ plan ahead diminish.


if you stay with this guy you need to set really strict boundaries with no second chances. as soon as you give an inch on him paying you back or not paying his way on a bill or whatever its the start of the slippery slope.


I hope you do what is right for you - no judgement on my part I know what its like to give someone the benefit of the doubt and hope that they will come good - all I know is someway in the future if you let it carry on you will feel that this is your lot in life and nothing will change because it never has - you are worth more than that.


hope it all works out and you get yourself sorted

nkkingston

TinieT wrote: »

Yes, you are absolutely right. I feel like his parent at the moment having to worry about him, having to worry about bailing him out and so on. And I've decided that's not who I want to be anymore. At first it was out of love, kindness and care. Our first year together I was a student and he would give me money and treat me but the amount I've let him take off me in this time has far surpassed anything he's spent on me. It's time to take back control. Not sure how it will work out but I'm willing to go for it and get this debt gone and sort out my personal financial future

You don't want to be his parent! It's not fun, it's not sexy, it's not a sign of a healthy relationship.

He needs to understand that he's hurting you. Your pain and fear and hurt are valid. He should be helping you carry the emotional burden he's forced on you, but instead you're helping him with the emotional inconvenience of being embarrassed when he can't keep up with the Joneses at work.

Sit him down for a serious conversation (you know, the kind that begins "We need to talk" so he's scared) and tell him that you've cried yourself to sleep over this, that it's changing the relationship between you, and that you need a plan to move forward together (because just saying "no" to him over and over is how you deal with a naughty toddler, not your teammate for life).

There are a few ways he might react:
1) he'll tell you you're over reacting, that his own debt is even worse, and why are you bothering him about it.

2) he'll sympathise, but tell you he can't afford to help, and maybe suggest getting a consolidation loan or asking your parents

3) he'll promise to change, but won't do anything concrete about it and after a month or so of paying you back will slip back into his old ways.

4) he'll promise to change, and will commit to it by working out a budget, setting up a standing order, agreeing amounts and dates with you, and agree to have regular budget meetings to see how things are going.

5) he'll burst into tears and tell you it's had him up at nights too, and he doesn't know how to handle it.

How you should react to his reactions:
1) LEAVE. This is massively manipulative behaviour, and he doesn't deserve another moment of your time, atom of your being, or penny of your money.

2) Also leave. This is still manipulative behaviour, even if he's not actively undermining your mental health. He doesn't actually want to help, he just wants things to continue as 'normal'.

3) Have a strong conversation with yourself about where your boundaries are. I'm guessing this is his usual response, and you've stayed before, but you need to ask what you're staying for. This is someone who enjoys the present too much to plan for the future. If he's as serious about you as you are about him, you should be planning a future together. At the moment, you're doing all the hard work on that front, emotionally and financially, and that's not fair. Tell him if he sees a future for you together, it's time he did his share of the hard graft to make that happen.

4) Hurrah! Now to make sure you stick to it together. It sounds like he's in a very businessy sort of business. Is he goal orientated? Set SMART goals together so he can see a very visible and measurable progress towards your future together. This is the point where he's not in debt to you. This is the point where he's not in debt to anyone. This is the point where you have a deposit for a house. It is possible to replace a spending addiction with a saving addiction with the right incentives!

5) Suggest he see a doctor. Often overspending can be a symptom of depression (as can being disorganised with things like receipts and car keys, reckless attitudes to gambling, low self esteem that means overdoing keeping up with the Joneses, drinking too much while out with work...) and he may have been self-medicating without realising it. Work out a plan together for him to get help with the root cause of his overspending, and show him that there are ways out of the debt by returning to (4).

MrsTinks

Try to get him to acknowledge in writing or in an email that he does owe you this money, that it IS his intent to repay you. When (or if...) things go south for you then you will have SOME recourse in taking him to court to get him to repay you. Keep evidence of you asking for him to start repaying, and of him saying he will. Anything you can keep that is about the debts you need to keep a hold of.

Sorry to be blunt but you need to decide if this is really the relationship you want - if you have kids, is this how you want to feel when all the other things happen that invariably come along with kids? Sorry but just because you love someone doesn't make them a good partner sadly

Also I would question if he's definitely quit gambling...

Set some clear rules in the relationship - tell him you will help him with his budget but he starts repaying you x amount each month NOW.... not next month because next month will never happen.

TinieT

Hi everyone, thanks for all your comments today. I've just managed to log on and busy day at work. I decided to broach the subject with him today and he seemed understanding. He acknowledged the debt and I asked him to tell me how much he's owing out. Including the debt he owes me it's about £22k which is a lot but not as much as I thought considering it includes the £10-12k he owes me.

We had a breakthrough in that he is expecting some bulk overtime payments to come through mid February and he said he will transfer me £1,200 of it as over the past 5 months this is what I've lent him on top of the cards. I don't know whether to put this in my savings (as this is money I would have saved) or put it on one of the credit cards?

I feel like a different and stronger person today. I told him I have cancelled all my cards and I am not giving him anything. He seemed understanding and acknowledged he needs to get his act together. I told him I have been too nice.

Obviously this is all talk at the moment but it's a start at least. I get paid in 2 weeks so £900 will be going on one of the cards.

To those who've asked yes I have a few texts and messages I've accumulated over time where he talks about paying me back and "how much do I owe you" although there's nothing concrete that says the exact amount

TinieT

nkkingston wrote: »

You don't want to be his parent! It's not fun, it's not sexy, it's not a sign of a healthy relationship.

He needs to understand that he's hurting you. Your pain and fear and hurt are valid. He should be helping you carry the emotional burden he's forced on you, but instead you're helping him with the emotional inconvenience of being embarrassed when he can't keep up with the Joneses at work.

Sit him down for a serious conversation (you know, the kind that begins "We need to talk" so he's scared) and tell him that you've cried yourself to sleep over this, that it's changing the relationship between you, and that you need a plan to move forward together (because just saying "no" to him over and over is how you deal with a naughty toddler, not your teammate for life).

There are a few ways he might react:
1) he'll tell you you're over reacting, that his own debt is even worse, and why are you bothering him about it.

2) he'll sympathise, but tell you he can't afford to help, and maybe suggest getting a consolidation loan or asking your parents

3) he'll promise to change, but won't do anything concrete about it and after a month or so of paying you back will slip back into his old ways.

4) he'll promise to change, and will commit to it by working out a budget, setting up a standing order, agreeing amounts and dates with you, and agree to have regular budget meetings to see how things are going.

5) he'll burst into tears and tell you it's had him up at nights too, and he doesn't know how to handle it.

How you should react to his reactions:
1) LEAVE. This is massively manipulative behaviour, and he doesn't deserve another moment of your time, atom of your being, or penny of your money.

2) Also leave. This is still manipulative behaviour, even if he's not actively undermining your mental health. He doesn't actually want to help, he just wants things to continue as 'normal'.

3) Have a strong conversation with yourself about where your boundaries are. I'm guessing this is his usual response, and you've stayed before, but you need to ask what you're staying for. This is someone who enjoys the present too much to plan for the future. If he's as serious about you as you are about him, you should be planning a future together. At the moment, you're doing all the hard work on that front, emotionally and financially, and that's not fair. Tell him if he sees a future for you together, it's time he did his share of the hard graft to make that happen.

4) Hurrah! Now to make sure you stick to it together. It sounds like he's in a very businessy sort of business. Is he goal orientated? Set SMART goals together so he can see a very visible and measurable progress towards your future together. This is the point where he's not in debt to you. This is the point where he's not in debt to anyone. This is the point where you have a deposit for a house. It is possible to replace a spending addiction with a saving addiction with the right incentives!

5) Suggest he see a doctor. Often overspending can be a symptom of depression (as can being disorganised with things like receipts and car keys, reckless attitudes to gambling, low self esteem that means overdoing keeping up with the Joneses, drinking too much while out with work...) and he may have been self-medicating without realising it. Work out a plan together for him to get help with the root cause of his overspending, and show him that there are ways out of the debt by returning to (4).

This is great advice thank you- he's very focussed at work and always excels in that. He's acknowledged the full extent of his debt to me so I hope we can find some arrangement. You are so true with your comments. I'm in a sticky situation as I've always given him the benefit of the doubt and always seen the positive. I'm going to try this new approach for a while and see how it goes. By lending him money I'm facilitating in his overspending as he knows he can rely on me.

I told him he can't rely on me anymore and there is just no way I'm lending him money.

We shall see how it goes

DrWatson1

nkkingston wrote: »

5) Suggest he see a doctor. Often overspending can be a symptom of depression (as can being disorganised with things like receipts and car keys, reckless attitudes to gambling, low self esteem that means overdoing keeping up with the Joneses, drinking too much while out with work...)

Overspending and being disorganised are not symptomatic of depression. Reckless attitudes to gambling is related to gambling addiction, and drinking too much with alcoholism, but not to depression, at least not directly. However, in both cases you would treat the root cause, which would be the major problem and would probably alleviate any depressive symptoms.

TinieT wrote: »

I told him he can't rely on me anymore and there is just no way I'm lending him money.

Well done Hopefully it will serve as a wake-up call to you both.