My partner has got me £12k+ in debt

CakeCrusader

TinieT wrote: »

I know, I completely understand. It's all a bad situation. He is perfectly happy to live off of me and others. His friends even know that he sometimes gets money off me and take the P out of him a lot for it!!!! I definitely make excuses for him and I'm using the length of time we have been together as a reason for justification. Realistically there was a time financially we were okay then he gambled on two credit cards and then we started this cycle.
The gambling is resolved (for now) but the money he owes me remains an issue. He has paid me a few times but the recent shift from £5,000 owed to now £10,000 well I haven't seen a penny in about a year frankly. Shockingly.

So yep I need to get everything sorted out. I'm thinking of getting a second job to supplement my savings as I want more savings basically. But the reason is because I have to pay this debt so have little left to save.

Get rid of the weight around your neck and you'll be able to save Transferring the balance to couple of 0% cards will help too (so you don't need a second job, if anything he should be the one doing this, not you), but it's not going to help if you let him max these cards out too. People don't change unless they want to, so you will find yourself in the same situation over and over and over again. There is a man out there who's worthy of your time, your effort and your love, men who won't take the 'P' out of you. Are you sure that this is the one?

TinieT

117pauline wrote: »

I can only empathise with you, having a best friend borrow £1100 for a lawyer and never seeing him or the money again.

Just because you are feeling you were stupid, don't let it continue please.

You are a creditor of his and he should be paying you as soon as he is paid, not giving you what's left over. You are still being too nice - stop it (I am joking by the way).

Even if it is £50 (but it should be £100 realistically) at least you are receiving something. From the last couple of your posts it seems this has escalated in 2016. Your only fault is that you are sympathetic to his situation but he is playing on that. If he wants the champagne lifestyle, he needs a better job.

I would also suggest that when you go out, you take cash with you and no cards then you can't give him anything. I know that sounds harsh but lets not underestimate how difficult the next few weeks are going to be.

Keep updating this diary to keep you motivated and encourage you. We will cheer you on, promise.

And if he is the man you think, you are actually doing him a huge favour - being cruel to be kind to get him living within his means.

Good luck and all best wishes

Thank you so much. I can't stress how much this forum, in under 24 hours, has really helped me mentally deal with this situation. I have been aiding him and allowing him to use me financially basically out of "niceness" and "trust" that he would repay all the money I have loaned him.

Technically, as of now, I literally do not have any physical cards. Not a debit card even, as I cancelled this and am getting a new one with a new pin to be extra sure. Regarding cash however, if he sees I have cash he will ask for a "£20 note" and so on for various things like travel on the train home or a beer after work with his pal. BASICALLY I NEED TO STOP THIS! asap. I need to STOP giving in.

He is not getting a credit card of mine again. I'm adamant - I know this because I don't actually need a credit card myself for general outgoings so it's not even like I need to carry one in my purse. I am going to get one with this new 0% balance transfer card I opened today, but I am going to cut it up as soon as I receive it and just take down the necessary info so I can log in on online banking to monitor the balance.

TinieT

CakeCrusader wrote: »

Get rid of the weight around your neck and you'll be able to save Transferring the balance to couple of 0% cards will help too (so you don't need a second job, if anything he should be the one doing this, not you), but it's not going to help if you let him max these cards out too. People don't change unless they want to, so you will find yourself in the same situation over and over and over again. There is a man out there who's worthy of your time, your effort and your love, men who won't take the 'P' out of you. Are you sure that this is the one?

I know, you are speaking so much sense and I completely understand where you're coming from. I've applied and got my 0% balance transfer card coming in the post, so should be with me in the week. That will allow me to shift the £5,300 from Card 1 onto it - that is bearing me the most interest at the moment. I am cutting the physical card up as soon as I receive it, as I don't even need it. Also I am in no way telling him I'm getting this 0% thing as I want him to still know he needs to pay me back. I don't want him to think oh yeah she's paying it back so I DEFINITELY don't need to pay her. I'd like to think he would not think like that but considering he spends so frivolously with his personal money, and is happy to do it, you never know.

I apologise that this thread has kind of turned into a relationship advice one too but of course am grateful for everyone's words of wisdom.

Kitten868

Hello sweetheart,

Seeing as how you are staying with him could you convince him to let you give a him a hand with his finances? I'm not saying fix it all but to get an idea of his outgoings and if you can 'save him some money' on credit card interest or whatever then he can pay it to you. Also have a look about and see if you can sell any of his stuff to get cash to pay you back with?

Plus as you've only saved £3400 when you should have saved £900 per month I think you can see that you are funding his lifestyle otherwise. You need to look at your spending to see ways to cut back. Go through your statements and see where it's going. It will help you to actually pay this amount each month.

You can do this xxx

TinieT

Kitten868 wrote: »

Hello sweetheart,

Seeing as how you are staying with him could you convince him to let you give a him a hand with his finances? I'm not saying fix it all but to get an idea of his outgoings and if you can 'save him some money' on credit card interest or whatever then he can pay it to you. Also have a look about and see if you can sell any of his stuff to get cash to pay you back with?

Plus as you've only saved £3400 when you should have saved £900 per month I think you can see that you are funding his lifestyle otherwise. You need to look at your spending to see ways to cut back. Go through your statements and see where it's going. It will help you to actually pay this amount each month.

You can do this xxx

Yes I need to speak to him and see if he can go through all his outgoings with me and see if we can formulate a plan.

I have been financing him basically. I'm stopping this and decided this is the only way to move forward whether we work out or not. I do tend to see the good in people note why I have got myself into this issue. Month to month I don't actually spend much on myself and going out, I could probably live on £300 a month if I don't buy unnecessary things like makeup and clothes.

Karonher

Could you suggest that he uses your card statements to claim some of the recent money back as he has been telling the company he has lost the receipts?

If you tell him you really need the money for something it may push him into setting up a payment plan rather than the company know who has been paying.

TinieT

Karonher wrote: »

Could you suggest that he uses your card statements to claim some of the recent money back as he has been telling the company he has lost the receipts?

If you tell him you really need the money for something it may push him into setting up a payment plan rather than the company know who has been paying.

The ones dating from last year I believe I got about £400 back from him out of around £1,200. This year same although I received nothing. Unfortunately a lot of it is cash withdrawals as he was tipping also not just that, but I do believe he keeps the expenses that he does do to himself quite clearly as he is always in debt month to month so probably uses it for spending and paying back stuff.

Obviously I have learnt my damn hard lesson and won't be lending nothing now

enthusiasticsaver

You are on a reasonable income and you have low outgoings so you will get through this if you stay as adamant as you sound tonight and don't give in to him. My stock response to his requests for cash or for you to pay his share when you go out would be NO, I have lent you enough and you won't see a penny from me until you have paid me back. Your financial future depends only on you staying strong.

Congrats on getting the 0% card and cancelling all your cards. I don't see any reason why you should get a second job. He should be doing that. Don't let him off the hook on paying you back.

TinieT

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

You are on a reasonable income and you have low outgoings so you will get through this if you stay as adamant as you sound tonight and don't give in to him. My stock response to his requests for cash or for you to pay his share when you go out would be NO, I have lent you enough and you won't see a penny from me until you have paid me back. Your financial future depends only on you staying strong.

Congrats on getting the 0% card and cancelling all your cards. I don't see any reason why you should get a second job. He should be doing that. Don't let him off the hook on paying you back.

You are absolutely right- I need to be strong because even giving him small £50 here and there adds up and ultimately I'm going to never have savings for myself and I work hard everyday and don't have much to show for it.

I will be saying no. I'm a little worried for my pay day- he knows when it is and obviously from this next payday upcoming I'm going to need to be very frugal as in going to start paying this debt back very hard and leaving myself with about £300/£400 a month which is okay but quite little. I don't want to rock the boat but I'm adamant in getting him to still pay me back for all of this.

enthusiasticsaver

TinieT wrote: »

Yes, he definitely wants to own a home, we always planned to move out but of course all this debt business got in the way. But he's actually going to be renting soon for other reasons and of course this might take a chunk out of his monthly wage. Aspiration wise, we are on the same page but in realistic terms it just hasn't happened so far

I seriously doubt this man will ever get himself financially together enough to get a mortgage and buy a home no matter how much he earns. Some people just never get a handle on living within their means until they are forced to by circumstances which normally means bankruptcy. Renting and bills will be a struggle for him. Don't bail him out.