My partner has got me £12k+ in debt

TinieT

ERICS_MUM wrote: »

In the original post the op states £40-£50 for her hair which. I assume is per month (unless she'S amended it in a later post which I've missed).

Many women will spend that much and more (I'm guilty !) so I don't think it's unreasonable or even extravagant !

Yeah not sure if it was a misunderstanding but it tends to cost me £40-£50 depending on whether my usual stylist is available or not. I don't go for a fancy blowdry (I get a rough dry) and don't even get it cut. Unfortunately, with my discount that's the cheapest I can get it done. Yes, I have tried to colour it myself and messed my hair up so yeah that is an essential piece of spending ha!

TinieT

bexster1975 wrote: »

Great news about 0% balance transfer ( just caught up on the thread, that escalated quickly!!)

Please don't feel embarrassed. I love MSE decided f r e e l o a d e r was a swear word!! I had put several other words in that space :rotfl:

It looks like you can sort this. I'm afraid I wouldn't be awake all night crying about the debt, more likely crying over the very expensive lesson. It really is best to try to keep your focus forwards not back, whatever you decide to do. People on this forum tend not to judge, many have been in yours ( or similar) positions.

Bexster

Thank you, I always wanted to just tell someone and then thought to myself randomly late at night last night (About midnight when I was tossing and turning, tears in my eyes at the level of debt!!) about the MSE Forums I had come across before. I posted and all of you and the helpful other people have really given me a boost of confidence and am very grateful. I have this new 0% interest free card started up today, so am waiting for all the account info in the post over the next few days then will set up my balance transfer.

TinieT

itchyfeet123 wrote: »

I know it's embarrassing, but is there anyone you can talk to who knows you both? A friend, sibling, parent? From here, we can't tell if this guy is a good guy who just needs to get his life on track, or a calculating manipulator. Being ashamed about what's already happened doesn't help you and could make you more vulnerable. The fact that you trusted your partner says good things about you, not bad.

Thank you, there is probably one friend I can trust with this as her boyfriend had put her in a similar position, although not to this extent!!!! However, I most certainly won't be telling my family- I can feel the judgmental glares from them already. In my heart I feel he is just someone who has got himself out of hand and is in a debt spiral and just doesn't know what to do. I have known him for 7 years. But again, I could be completely wrong.

I feel some weight off my shoulders now that I've decided to just face it head on and start paying it, even though it means less savings for me. I will probably be due a bonus in June of this year of around £2,000 minimum. I will probably stick that in my savings just to keep myself mentally stable (lol) because having always been "good" with my money in the past, not having much savings makes me despair.

Fireflyaway

I have lots of debt that my family don't know about so get where you are coming from. Your partner is not respecting you by using your money and failing to pay it back. I guess he already had bad credit or would have used his own card, but after 7 years its natural you want to help and believe what he says. Unfortunately gamblers can be very good liars and skilled at blagging.
Try to keep up the repayments so you don't get a default that could dash your dreams of home ownership for a few years. Talk to your partner and explain the seriousness of this situation. What happens when you do? Does he brush it off or get angry to shut you up? If he does either it would indicate he isn't likely to change and suddenly pay up. He also has a bigger income don't forget so that's even more disrespectful that he is sponging off you. I'd ask him to set up a standing order to you for an agreed sum each month ( to you, not the card as he might cancel without you knowing). I would also think about this relationship. Someone who is a gambler and has no financial respect for you wouldn't be a good partner to live with. You could end up with serious debts or even get evicted. He needs to prove through behaviour that he has changed first.don't feel stupid though. You were being kind and just got caught out, it can happen to anyone.

TinieT

Fireflyaway wrote: »

I have lots of debt that my family don't know about so get where you are coming from. Your partner is not respecting you by using your money and failing to pay it back. I guess he already had bad credit or would have used his own card, but after 7 years its natural you want to help and believe what he says. Unfortunately gamblers can be very good liars and skilled at blagging.
Try to keep up the repayments so you don't get a default that could dash your dreams of home ownership for a few years. Talk to your partner and explain the seriousness of this situation. What happens when you do? Does he brush it off or get angry to shut you up? If he does either it would indicate he isn't likely to change and suddenly pay up. He also has a bigger income don't forget so that's even more disrespectful that he is sponging off you. I'd ask him to set up a standing order to you for an agreed sum each month ( to you, not the card as he might cancel without you knowing). I would also think about this relationship. Someone who is a gambler and has no financial respect for you wouldn't be a good partner to live with. You could end up with serious debts or even get evicted. He needs to prove through behaviour that he has changed first.don't feel stupid though. You were being kind and just got caught out, it can happen to anyone.

Thanks so much for your kind comment. It helps to hear others understanding why I did it, as some people might assume I am "stupid" and "reckless". Infact, I laugh at myself as on paper I am very intelligent and so on, but clearly my common sense wasn't up to scratch and kindness level was too high so have got myself into this debacle!

When I broach the subject with him, he's actually very understanding. He doesn't get angry, he keeps saying "I know" and "how much money do I owe you?" and stuff. Which I guess is why I have not felt terrible until now, a year later, when initially it was just a £1,000 he owed to me, to now 10 times that and more.

I guess right now I can't get him to transfer me anything as he just doesn't have anything left over at the end of the month, till he gets this pay rise and so on. Ideally, if I get a chance, I need him to list out everything he gets paid and what he owes out on a monthly basis so we can try work out some payment plan.

Right now, I'm going to start paying it off but am keeping a note of what he actually owes me so maybe one day I can get it back.

TinieT

I have literally been applying for second jobs yesterday and today. I work 9-6 everyday in an office job and am even willing to work in the evenings after work. I know this would totally destroy my work/life balance as I find my current work load is high anyway but I'm just crazy over the fact that I have so little savings at my age. I know there are others out there in a worse off position but I guess I'm just still thinking OMG at the prospect of paying off someone else's debt.

DCFC79

If he really wanted to pay it off he should stop all the extravgent spending and focus on paying the debt off.

Yes sit down with him and agree on an amount. Maybe he needs to reduce his bills too.

TinieT

DCFC79 wrote: »

If he really wanted to pay it off he should stop all the extravagant spending and focus on paying the debt off.

Yep! Unfortunately he has a spending addiction I guess. He's got himself into a debt spiral of paying out everything on debt when he gets paid then relying on cards/finance/others during the month to finance his normal day-to-day.

A major lightbulb moment is required I guess

tlc678910

TinieT wrote: »

I guess right now I can't get him to transfer me anything as he just doesn't have anything left over at the end of the month, till he gets this pay rise and so on. Ideally, if I get a chance, I need him to list out everything he gets paid and what he owes out on a monthly basis so we can try work out some payment plan.

Hi, he isn't paying you back because he is putting you back of the queue and so are you (see quote above). Forget what he has left at the end of the month (someone who spends £200 on a night out, has debts and owes family and friends will of course have nothing at the end of the month). Get to the front of the queue and get a standing order for the day after pay day instead.

How much have you shared in the spending of the money that is owed? Genuine question - has he said let's go out/ get takeaway / go for a meal - asking you to lend him the money to treat you both or is it genuinely only him spending and you have not benefited? I think if you have enjoyed the trappings of the spending you should adjust the amount owing in light of this.

As you still want to be with this guy you are going to have to be super strong. My worry is as you cut off any lending to him/ask for repayment and your own social budget becomes more frozen pizza than champagne lifestyle the relationship will collapse. It will be hard to resist going back to your old ways or share in the behavior that has got him in a mess. I'm only saying this so you might recognise this and get yourself strong in readiness.

Good luck
Tlc

TinieT

tlc678910 wrote: »

Hi, he isn't paying you back because he is putting you back of the queue and so are you (see quote above). Forget what he has left at the end of the month (someone who spends £200 on a night out, has debts and owes family and friends will of course have nothing at the end of the month). Get to the front of the queue and get a standing order for the day after pay day instead.

How much have you shared in the spending of the money that is owed? Genuine question - has he said let's go out/ get takeaway / go for a meal - asking you to lend him the money to treat you both or is it genuinely only him spending and you have not benefited? I think if you have enjoyed the trappings of the spending you should adjust the amount owing in light of this.

As you still want to be with this guy you are going to have to be super strong. My worry is as you cut off any lending to him/ask for repayment and your own social budget becomes more frozen pizza than champagne lifestyle the relationship will collapse. It will be hard to resist going back to your old ways or share in the behavior that has got him in a mess. I'm only saying this so you might recognise this and get yourself strong in readiness.

Good luck
Tlc

Hi - in terms of credit card spending None of it is mine. Various things he has spent on it - these include putting a deposit on a car he said he was going to sell for profit in 2 weeks time, which never materialised as the car ended up having some fault... yep.

Next, mainly derives from business trips (these are legit trips as alot of the transactions were done on card so I can see exactly where they're from) and they corroborate with his version of events, his international office locations and so on. He has to travel for work several times a year. Next, he paid his whole car insurance for a year on one card as he said it will give a massive saving rather than paying month to month. He said he will pay me back.

So yes, writing this all out makes me seem like the most naive, dumbest person but this is all in expectation he would pay me back. But throughout the year he has got himself deeper in other debt making repaying even more hard. Sometimes he has had my card and I've forgotten he had it and then made withdrawals on it for £250 at a time maybe 4 times in total. He just is eager for money and will do anything to get it. I have cancelled these cards btw so he has no access.


Just to give you an example, if we do go out for a meal, this will come out of my personal bank current account. We don't go out for meals often, maybe twice a month. But often we spend on lunches together. Any things we do together and if I pay for them, come out of my own personal disposable income. I did buy some tickets for a festival recently on my credit card for us for £250 but I paid this fully the following month.