My partner has got me £12k+ in debt

TinieT

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

I seriously doubt this man will ever get himself financially together enough to get a mortgage and buy a home no matter how much he earns. Some people just never get a handle on living within their means until they are forced to by circumstances which normally means bankruptcy. Renting and bills will be a struggle for him. Don't bail him out.

He used to have a mortgage with his ex girlfriend before we met. When they broke up she stayed living there and he took his deposit back (which was tiny as it was a buy to rent or something) not sure how it worked but there was a period in his life he was making mortgage payments and doing okay.

But over the years he has got out of control yes and needs help for sure. I have not helped by allowing him to persuade me to loan him money.

I'm hoping this new approach will have some benefits all round. We will see. But I'm most certainly not bailing him out anymore. Thank you for your help I appreciate the wise words

enthusiasticsaver

TinieT wrote: »

You are absolutely right- I need to be strong because even giving him small £50 here and there adds up and ultimately I'm going to never have savings for myself and I work hard everyday and don't have much to show for it.

I will be saying no. I'm a little worried for my pay day- he knows when it is and obviously from this next payday upcoming I'm going to need to be very frugal as in going to start paying this debt back very hard and leaving myself with about £300/£400 a month which is okay but quite little. I don't want to rock the boat but I'm adamant in getting him to still pay me back for all of this.

You are definitely suffering from financial abuse. What will he do if you say no? £50 is a lot of money and this is your money which you work hard for. Tell him you cannot afford to give him anything. This may involve rocking the boat as he is used to you just giving him cash but if you don't stop now you will be forever stuck in this cycle. He will soon get the message and you can start looking forward. Your pay day is nothing to do with him.

enthusiasticsaver

I hope you continue to post as it may help you stay strong. Seeing the debt go down and the savings increase will help motivate you.

TinieT

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

You are definitely suffering from financial abuse. What will he do if you say no? £50 is a lot of money and this is your money which you work hard for. Tell him you cannot afford to give him anything. This may involve rocking the boat as he is used to you just giving him cash but if you don't stop now you will be forever stuck in this cycle. He will soon get the message and you can start looking forward. Your pay day is nothing to do with him.

Yes I know. He knows he can't borrow more from the bank and can't ask his parents so his next step is to ask me. Now I'm not going to give in. I just physically and mentally can't. You're right, it will be an ongoing cycle if this continues. I will say that I simply cannot afford it. If I say no I don't know but if I'm adamant that I literally don't have the money he will get the picture. He's not used to it, it will be like taking toys off a child but I'm ready to take control and stop being a personal bank.

TinieT

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

I hope you continue to post as it may help you stay strong. Seeing the debt go down and the savings increase will help motivate you.

Yes I've been checking this forum all day- it's given me a big boost in strength compared to this time last night I was crying in bed not knowing how to deal with this. To me this is a huge chunk of debt having always been fairly frugal and sensible. I will continue to post and keep everyone updated. Thank you for your advice

enthusiasticsaver

TinieT wrote: »

Yes I've been checking this forum all day- it's given me a big boost in strength compared to this time last night I was crying in bed not knowing how to deal with this. To me this is a huge chunk of debt having always been fairly frugal and sensible. I will continue to post and keep everyone updated. Thank you for your advice

I can see why you would feel overwhelmed. It is a large amount of money, you have been let down by this man and you are probably kicking yourself at not having said no to him when he owed you £1k rather than £12k. Still you have realised now and stopped that £12k becoming £20k and you will clear this and then move on, either with or without him. At least there is no interest on it and it will be gone.

TinieT

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

I can see why you would feel overwhelmed. It is a large amount of money, you have been let down by this man and you are probably kicking yourself at not having said no to him when he owed you £1k rather than £12k. Still you have realised now and stopped that £12k becoming £20k and you will clear this and then move on, either with or without him. At least there is no interest on it and it will be gone.

Yes the benefit of hindsight. In fact I remember when he owed me £2k thinking it was like the end of the world then gradually I got used to having it and then it spiralled.

I'm grateful there's no interest now so I'm going to channel all spare money into these repayments at the same time still requesting him to pay me back as soon as he can although I'm going to prepare myself that I won't see the money come back so I won't get disappointed as much if it doesn't happen. I'll keep the thread updated

Little_Miss_Winner

Awww hugs to you hun.

How long have you been together? and how often do you see him ? I know you dont live together - but I mean do you spend quality time together each week?
Can't you talk to him and tell him how ill this is making you feel

xx

TinieT

Little_Miss_Winner wrote: »

Awww hugs to you hun.

How long have you been together? and how often do you see him ? I know you dont live together - but I mean do you spend quality time together each week?
Can't you talk to him and tell him how ill this is making you feel


xx

We've been together coming up 7 years. People are surprised we don't live together but firstly this debt thing happened and secondly it's probably best to get it under control before that happens- if it happens. I've told him and it does cause tension between us. It's just never moved forward because he's in debt through his own cards too. I'm going to ask him if we can go through his finances together. We see eachother sbout 4-5 days a week.

itchyfeet123

The test will come one night when you decide to stay in because you're saving money to pay off your (his!) debts. A partner who is remorseful for what he's done will be perfectly fine with "boring" nights in for a while. If he tries to convince you to go out, or he goes out spending money without you (really, even a couple of beers is money he could be using to repay you), he's telling you all you need to know about how much he values you and the relationship.