My partner has got me £12k+ in debt

TinieT

catandy wrote: »

Hi


just read thru the whole thread and it could have been me writing 15 years ago, I'm still stuck with my OH who has lived off me for the whole of the time we have been together. It gets harder the longer it goes on and the chances of you being able to rebuild your life/ keep your head above water/ plan ahead diminish.


if you stay with this guy you need to set really strict boundaries with no second chances. as soon as you give an inch on him paying you back or not paying his way on a bill or whatever its the start of the slippery slope.


I hope you do what is right for you - no judgement on my part I know what its like to give someone the benefit of the doubt and hope that they will come good - all I know is someway in the future if you let it carry on you will feel that this is your lot in life and nothing will change because it never has - you are worth more than that.


hope it all works out and you get yourself sorted

Thank you, its useful to hear from someone who has been in similar shoes. I feel different and more stronger that I won't lend him anymore. I'm not a bank I'm his girlfriend and I am definitely going to reinforce that. Now that I'm going to start repaying these cards (still hoping he's going to pay me back at some point) I literally won't even have any spare money even if I wanted to lend him anything (I definitely don't want to by the way!) so anyway hopefully this time in 5 months one card will be paid

TinieT

DrWatson1 wrote: »

Overspending and being disorganised are not symptomatic of depression. Reckless attitudes to gambling is related to gambling addiction, and drinking too much with alcoholism, but not to depression, at least not directly. However, in both cases you would treat the root cause, which would be the major problem and would probably alleviate any depressive symptoms.

Yes he used to be a full on gambling addict, I think that will always unfortunately be in him but he tended to gamble online and I know he has no access to credit cards. We spoke today and be told me he owes £22k including the debt he owes me. He has £5k each on two cards he used for various things and is unable to get anymore credit.

So it's bad but kind of positive in that he's acknowledged the money he owes me factored into his total debt amount. Not an ideal situation but we shall see

TinieT

I'm expecting my 0% interest card in 5-7 days according to the email I just received. As he said he is sending me £1,200 for money I lent him extra (over the course of about 5 months) shall I throw this on a card payment or put it in my savings? I feel I want to save it but realistically I should probably put it on one of the cards

enthusiasticsaver

Hopefully then you will start to see some progress but I would wait and see. Make sure you keep reminding him how much he owes you and ask when the next repayment will be. Acknowledging it is not enough. He needs a plan to repay it over 1/2/3 years. If you are paying interest on either of those cards I would put the £1200 to that. Set up a spreadsheet with details of what you lent him and how much he has repaid and keep it updated.

enthusiasticsaver

If all the debt is on 0% put it in your savings.

TinieT

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

Hopefully then you will start to see some progress but I would wait and see. Make sure you keep reminding him how much he owes you and ask when the next repayment will be. Acknowledging it is not enough. He needs a plan to repay it over 1/2/3 years. If you are paying interest on either of those cards I would put the £1200 to that. Set up a spreadsheet with details of what you lent him and how much he has repaid and keep it updated.

Hi, thank you. So I will be transferring my interest bearing card amount onto this new 0% interest for 30 months balance transfer card I got. Next is card number 2 which is also interest free but believe this deal runs out in summer of this year. I still need to call the provider to confirm the exact date.

In that case none are technically interest bearing so maybe il put it in my savings or do half and half.

I am going to keep reminding him and ask if we can write up a budget together as he needs to also sort his finances out in general and know to live within his means. Let's see how it pans out but I am focussed on sorting this out hopefully

enthusiasticsaver

Sounds as if you have found some inner strength to deal with this.

What you could do is stick the money in your savings account and then pay it off in full just before the interest free period finishes (except for minimum payments of course).

I need hardly say I don't think you should enlighten your partner at all as to what your financial plans are. I would find it hard to trust him when he has put you in such a bad position. I would also go on to Noddle and make sure he has not taken any other debt out in your name.

Helping him to sort out his finances is certainly a good move. Interesting that you are his largest creditor and yet seem to come at the end of the queue for repayment.

TinieT

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

Sounds as if you have found some inner strength to deal with this.

What you could do is stick the money in your savings account and then pay it off in full just before the interest free period finishes (except for minimum payments of course).

I need hardly say I don't think you should enlighten your partner at all as to what your financial plans are. I would find it hard to trust him when he has put you in such a bad position. I would also go on to Noddle and make sure he has not taken any other debt out in your name.

Helping him to sort out his finances is certainly a good move. Interesting that you are his largest creditor and yet seem to come at the end of the queue for repayment.

That's a good point actually, I could do that. I'm going to start paying the one from this payday which interest free period will expire in summer so at least I can bring it down a bit. Hoping by then I have him on board repaying too.

I don't want to sound too hopefully but anyway I'm going to continue to keep asking for it. I will check Noddle, I did do a recent credit check with Experian which seemed okay.

I am not going to inform him of me paying back his debt as I don't want him to think even more so that its at the back of his repayment queue. I think for a long time he's tried to deny it as he cant believe he has managed to accrue that much debt under my name for stupid things like business trips (food, drinks) and so on. My fault too for allowing it to go on but it was always out of trust that I'd get repaid. Anyway I know, I want him to arrange a standing order after his payday even if it's £150 a month at least it's something.

I am going to be asking him to set this up for his February payday and see how he reacts

kazwookie

You need to DUMP HIM, he is a user and nothing else but that, you are at the back of the q to get your money back.

You stated somewhere on the thread, you lie in bed crying, you are an adult female, you cannot go on like this.

You need to change your life, you have dealt with the money so far and got in on 0%, now change you personal life, he is NOT going to change.......

Sorry for the harsh words, but good luck in you life.

TinieT

kazwookie wrote: »

You need to DUMP HIM, he is a user and nothing else but that, you are at the back of the q to get your money back.

You stated somewhere on the thread, you lie in bed crying, you are an adult female, you cannot go on like this.

You need to change your life, you have dealt with the money so far and got in on 0%, now change you personal life, he is NOT going to change.......

Sorry for the harsh words, but good luck in you life.

Not harsh words completely see where you're coming from. I've known him for years so obviously it is difficult as I know all of his good sides. But I'm not excusing him at all as totally know he's been overspending and getting me involved in it under my name which is not right at all