My partner has got me £12k+ in debt

ada-or-ardor

I think it sounds like a really good idea for now to say "I literally can't afford to lend you money" - it should ease the transition for a bit, for both of you. However, in the medium to long-term, you need to know that it's okay for you to say "I do not want to lend you money - bye, I'm going out to get my hair done and buy some make-up". You've sent him 12k and he has nothing to show for it, so if he tries ton make you feel bad, he's a bully with no self-awareness.

I just think it's important for you to see the bigger picture and the potential danger of relying on "I can't afford it". It could get messy quickly, it could deprive you of spending your own money on you (once your debt is cleared of course), and that will breed resentment. So it may help you to think a bit further into the future before you need to get there, to minimise any nasfy surprises.

I must also agree with other posters who have said you need to get to the front of the queue. He needs to work out a budget and what he can afford to pay you that leaves him some money for personal spends. It doesn't matter that he's getting a big pay rise. When that comes, your share goes up; don't just wait for it to happen, because it might never, or he may withold it from you. But you must insist that he sends you money the day after payday, not whatever coppers he has left after he's P***ed it all up the wall at the end of the month! That is fair and reasonable considering the circumstances, it's how you become financially responsible, and don't let him tell you otherwise.

Well done on taking the bull by the horns, you are a stronger person than me that's for sure!!!

Ada

DrWatson1

TinieT wrote: »

We see eachother sbout 4-5 days a week.

What kind of things do you do when see each other? Do you also holiday together??

TinieT

itchyfeet123 wrote: »

The test will come one night when you decide to stay in because you're saving money to pay off your (his!) debts. A partner who is remorseful for what he's done will be perfectly fine with "boring" nights in for a while. If he tries to convince you to go out, or he goes out spending money without you (really, even a couple of beers is money he could be using to repay you), he's telling you all you need to know about how much he values you and the relationship.

Funnily enough we don't even go out too much if we meet which is funny considering the spending habits of himself are OTT. We do go out for meals and so on but yeah I do think he might understand but I will let you know what happens. Our next outing is a comedy gig this weekend but other than that we haven't got anything specific planned.

But yes we will see how he reacts as he needs to know this is not okay

TinieT

ada-or-ardor wrote: »

I think it sounds like a really good idea for now to say "I literally can't afford to lend you money" - it should ease the transition for a bit, for both of you. However, in the medium to long-term, you need to know that it's okay for you to say "I do not want to lend you money - bye, I'm going out to get my hair done and buy some make-up". You've sent him 12k and he has nothing to show for it, so if he tries ton make you feel bad, he's a bully with no self-awareness.

I just think it's important for you to see the bigger picture and the potential danger of relying on "I can't afford it". It could get messy quickly, it could deprive you of spending your own money on you (once your debt is cleared of course), and that will breed resentment. So it may help you to think a bit further into the future before you need to get there, to minimise any nasfy surprises.

I must also agree with other posters who have said you need to get to the front of the queue. He needs to work out a budget and what he can afford to pay you that leaves him some money for personal spends. It doesn't matter that he's getting a big pay rise. When that comes, your share goes up; don't just wait for it to happen, because it might never, or he may withold it from you. But you must insist that he sends you money the day after payday, not whatever coppers he has left after he's P***ed it all up the wall at the end of the month! That is fair and reasonable considering the circumstances, it's how you become financially responsible, and don't let him tell you otherwise.

Well done on taking the bull by the horns, you are a stronger person than me that's for sure!!!

Ada

Thank you Ada, your words are really helpful. I know for now, when payday comes it will be the "I can't afford it" although he won't know I'm actually putting my money on paying his debt back so I literally have no spare money. I do need to have a full on discussion with him again to fully highlight the extent of this and see if we can work out a payment plan. To be honest I don't know the full extent of the debts that he has accrued on his own cards let alone the £10k he's built up on mine. I know roughly but I know it's more than I think. If I can get a better picture of his outgoings every month hopefully I can find myself a priority slot to fit in for him to at least pay me something for now.

I'm going to see if I can have a chat with him today. It's not healthy or right and I'm going to try hard to stay focussed

TinieT

DrWatson1 wrote: »

What kind of things do you do when see each other? Do you also holiday together??

We do various things most times he will just come round to my house (free) but we do go out for drinks and meals. We do holiday together, our last holiday was June 2016 and it was my sisters wedding in the Caribbean. I don't think we'll be doing a big holiday this year in light of all this debt.

-taff

You say he used to have a gambling problem. If he;s maxxed out your cards and he's maxxed out his, can't ask the bank or his parents for more money, \i expect you're going to find he still has a gambling problem.

TinieT

-taff wrote: »

You say he used to have a gambling problem. If he;s maxxed out your cards and he's maxxed out his, can't ask the bank or his parents for more money, \i expect you're going to find he still has a gambling problem.

Potentially. He once won £50,000 and gambled it back in a week. This was about 3 years ago. After that it shocked him and he started attending gamblers anonymous and things improved. He had a slip up and maxed a £3k card out about 1 and a half years ago and since then it just picked up e.g he went on a stag do and took his credit card. Lots of alcohol, him trying to keep upcetc it all adds up. So it could still well be a gambling issue but he just is a massive spender anyway. For example, he wanted a green scarf. He ended up buying the green scarf that's £100 and not the £20 one.

He needs a serious think about his actions. I'm going to speak to him today see what happens.

-taff

Good luck.
I know it's hard to suddenly realise someone you're supposed to be in a relationship or a team with is taking the absolute p!ss and it's hard to get your head round it because you 'love them'
If they loved you , they wouldnt be taking non stop adavantage of you and expecting you to bail them out of trouble. That's you being treated like a parent, not a girlfriend.
And I speak from personal experience.

TinieT

-taff wrote: »

Good luck.
I know it's hard to suddenly realise someone you're supposed to be in a relationship or a team with is taking the absolute p!ss and it's hard to get your head round it because you 'love them'
If they loved you , they wouldnt be taking non stop adavantage of you and expecting you to bail them out of trouble. That's you being treated like a parent, not a girlfriend.
And I speak from personal experience.

Yes, you are absolutely right. I feel like his parent at the moment having to worry about him, having to worry about bailing him out and so on. And I've decided that's not who I want to be anymore. At first it was out of love, kindness and care. Our first year together I was a student and he would give me money and treat me but the amount I've let him take off me in this time has far surpassed anything he's spent on me. It's time to take back control. Not sure how it will work out but I'm willing to go for it and get this debt gone and sort out my personal financial future

anna_1977

Hey, just seen this post and really do feel for you.

I do hope you can be tough with him, it's going to hard but you really really need to put your foot down. Like someone else mentioned when he talks about going out for a meal next be honest say no you can't afford it.

7 years is a long time to be together but please do think about the future and what it holds, he sounds like a total compulsive spender, living beyond his means and wanting to keep up with the Jones's. I don't think that will change, whatever he earns he will want more!

Good luck and please do stay on the forums, you'll get some amazing advice!