My partner has got me £12k+ in debt

TinieT

Oh the benefit of hindsight! For numerous reasons but in the previous mindset that I fully trusted my partner of 7 years and him telling me he will pay me back (he earns quite a decent wage but has his own debts) he has now got me around £12k in debt.

This is various things: mainly credit cards like he would take it on business trips, pay car insurance and so on. I would do this out of trust as he had maxed his cards. He gets a bonus and stuff but this ends up going on other things. I am now tearing my hair out with stress. He keeps telling me he'll pay me back but I have hardly seen a penny- maybe £2000 at most. He is in his own debt and struggles month to month. I earn £30k and am thinking to stop paying the minimum payments on the two credit two cards totalling approx 1) £5,300 and 2) 5,100. The minimum payment on the first one is £179 the other is interest free for now and I pay £80 (minimum payment is actually £50) a month. I've been doing this for about a year as I always thought he would pay me back but now I'm despairing and wondering if it's easier to just start paying them and HOPE I will get the money back.

MY MAIN CONCERN is I have been working for a good few years now and shockingly only have £3.5k savings which for me is bad. I want to move out and am in my mid twenties and feel really ashamed of myself for allowing myself to get into this position. He always relies on me financially and out of care I have ended up screwing myself over.

Ideally I want to save £1,000 a month and if I didn't have this debt under my name I probably could but currently this amount is probably over ambitious .

MONTHLY BUDGET:
Monthly wage- £1,900

OUTGOINGS
Minimum payment Card 1: £179
Minimum payment Card 2: £80
ISA direct debit: £30
Mobile phone contract: £40
Hairdresser (sorry this is essential): £40-50
Car loan: £240
New glasses: £59 (3 month direct debit payment - 2 more months left and this finishes)
Entertainment: this varies!! Let's say £200? Includes food and meals and lunches although I try to bring in my lunch to work everyday.

None of this debt is mine. I had paid my cards and had a balance of around £700 of my own spending left.

Please help in giving me some advice. I am so ashamed and have learnt my lesson but I just need some useful advice as to how to go about this.

bexster1975

Hello and welcome

I would first say there is no need to feel ashamed. You are not the first and you won't be the last.

A few questions:

I think a full statement of affairs is needed re: your expenses as no bills ( rent/mortgage, gas, electric telephone, water) are on yours.

Are the cards in your name? If so, I imagine paying them and taking him to court is your best chance of redress.

Does he have access to any more of your/ joint credit?

If you can't trust someone you have been with for seven years then who can you? Try not to give yourself a hard time, focus on fixing.

Bexster

glasgowm148

Is this still your current partner? Either way talk to him, see what his income is - and then set an amount he'll need to pay you back each month from his wage that he can afford.

"None of this debt is mine"

It sounds like it's yours, if you've set up the cards, etc you are legally responsible

bellaboo86

I don't think she would be able to take him to court as he has had her permission to use the cards.
As someone has already said, you won't be the first and you won't be the last (Been there myself). If you are living with parents your are in a good position to clear this in a reasonable time although you may have to put your home buying plans on hold.
I would say however if you can really see a future with this man. 12k is not a small sum and he has done little to pay it off.
Also, even when you do pay of your debt the fact that he has a lot of his own will impact on his life and yours. Will he be able to afford a few meals out or holidays? The answer is probably no and you would either have to do without or subsidise him.

Helvetica_Van_Buren

TinieT wrote: »

Oh the benefit of hindsight! For numerous reasons but in the previous mindset that I fully trusted my partner of 7 years and him telling me he will pay me back (he earns quite a decent wage but has his own debts) he has now got me around £12k in debt.

This is various things: mainly credit cards like he would take it on business trips, pay car insurance and so on. I would do this out of trust as he had maxed his cards. He gets a bonus and stuff but this ends up going on other things. I am now tearing my hair out with stress. He keeps telling me he'll pay me back but I have hardly seen a penny- maybe £2000 at most. He is in his own debt and struggles month to month. I earn £30k and am thinking to stop paying the minimum payments on the two credit two cards totalling approx 1) £5,300 and 2) 5,600. The minimum payment on the first one is £179 the other is interest free for now and I pay £80 a month. I've been doing this for about a year as I always thought he would pay me back but now I'm despairing and wondering if it's easier to just start paying them and HOPE I will get the money back.

MY MAIN CONCERN is I have been working for a good few years now and shockingly only have £3.5k savings which for me is bad. I want to move out and am in my mid twenties and feel really ashamed of myself for allowing myself to get into this position. He always relies on me financially and out of care I have ended up screwing myself over.

Ideally I want to save £1,000 a month and if I didn't have this debt under my name I probably could but currently this amount is probably over ambitious .

MONTHLY BUDGET:
Monthly wage- £1,900

OUTGOINGS
Minimum payment Card 1: £179
Minimum payment Card 2: £80
ISA direct debit: £30
Mobile phone contract: £40
Hairdresser (sorry this is essential): £40-50
Car loan: £240
New glasses: £59 (3 month direct debit payment - 2 more months left and this finishes)
Entertainment: this varies!! Let's say £200? Includes food and meals and lunches although I try to bring in my lunch to work everyday.

None of this debt is mine. I had paid my cards and had a balance of around £700 of my own spending left.

Please help in giving me some advice. I am so ashamed and have learnt my lesson but I just need some useful advice as to how to go about this.

You say he earns a decent wage yet he can't pay his existing debts and continues to accrue further debts. What is he spending the money on? Does he have a gambling problem? It sounds as though he has.

Paying the debt is one thing but you really need to get to the bottom of what is going on.

TinieT

Yes he used to have a gambling problem and had maxed out a card on gambling online. He has since stopped but it is for various things. He took out a £12k loan to buy and sell watches with his watch dealer friend. This fell through and he had ended up paying the loan off as normal. Other things is he tends to overspend anyway (I believe he gets approx £2,300 a month) and he pays rent and if he goes out on a night out, he won't spend £40 he'll spend £200. But over time he has got himself into a vicious cycle or cards and so on.

datlex

Out of interest why is the hair dresser essential? What do you have done that costs £216 per month? Not saying you should not go to hairdresser just trying to work out why you would need to spend so much.

TinieT

bellaboo86 wrote: »

I don't think she would be able to take him to court as he has had her permission to use the cards.
As someone has already said, you won't be the first and you won't be the last (Been there myself). If you are living with parents your are in a good position to clear this in a reasonable time although you may have to put your home buying plans on hold.
I would say however if you can really see a future with this man. 12k is not a small sum and he has done little to pay it off.
Also, even when you do pay of your debt the fact that he has a lot of his own will impact on his life and yours. Will he be able to afford a few meals out or holidays? The answer is probably no and you would either have to do without or subsidise him.

Yes I still live at home but if I'd stopped helping financially I would probably have my own place my now. We have had all the holidays we've wanted so far and meals out but this again links to overspending.

He keeps telling me he'll pay it off and in monthly sums once he switches his job. He has a new role coming where he'll get a pay rise but still I can't be totally guaranteed as he might end up finding something else to spend the rise on. Also, I only ever gave him my cards as a "loan". He would always say he'll pay me back when he took them but again I know this is my fault and he has a spending problem and I basically have facilitated it in the trust that he would pay me back for the money I have specifically loaned him.

TinieT

datlex wrote: »

Out of interest why is the hair dresser essential? What do you have done that costs £216 per month? Not saying you should not go to hairdresser just trying to work out why you would need to spend so much.

Hi, I am blonde (I have very dark brown hair naturally) and so I get highlights in my roots every 6 weeks. This costs £40 with a discount I get each month. Unfortunately that's the cheapest in my area for good quality. I know its Not essential but I don't buy myself clothes every month or go out loads.

TinieT

bexster1975 wrote: »

Hello and welcome

I would first say there is no need to feel ashamed. You are not the first and you won't be the last.

A few questions:

I think a full statement of affairs is needed re: your expenses as no bills ( rent/mortgage, gas, electric telephone, water) are on yours.

Are the cards in your name? If so, I imagine paying them and taking him to court is your best chance of redress.

Does he have access to any more of your/ joint credit?

If you can't trust someone you have been with for seven years then who can you? Try not to give yourself a hard time, focus on fixing.

Bexster

Hi Bexster, thanks. I still live at home so I don't actually have bills to pay. However still have found myself in this unfortunate position. I'm so keen to save money as I feel ashamed of having worked for years and only £3k to my name. I willingly let him use the cards in the mindset that these were loans to him and he would always say he would pay it back and become annoyed if I didn't give him it. I know this all sounds so terrible written out but I love this guy. I just want to be free of this debt under my name. I can't sleep properly with worry. I could throw £900 a month on the cards split up but I feel ashamed that this is not going in my personal savings account and instead on someone else's debt.

TinieT

Do you think a wise option would be to take out my £3.5k savings? And put this on a card, then transfer the remainder to my other card to keep it in one place. This would roughly mean there is £7.3k left. Then I could try throw £600 a month to pay it off in 1 year. Then I could save £500 a month alongside this. Or shall I just work on putting £900 a month shared between the two card balances and not touch my menial savings?