My partner has got me £12k+ in debt

Little_Miss_Winner

TinieT you have come a very long way in 24 hours, very well done - keep your strength and resolve up hun.

Keep posting and let us know where you are upto xx

Sea_Shell

Well done for putting your foot down!!

For what it's worth. i'd pay most money he gives me off the cards (regardless of the 0%), as that way, the money's not available for you to be tempted to lend again or spend on expensive meals etc. (without leaving yourself short)

TinieT

Little_Miss_Winner wrote: »

TinieT you have come a very long way in 24 hours, very well done - keep your strength and resolve up hun.

Keep posting and let us know where you are upto xx

Thank you for your support, I will keep posting. It has helped a lot and I will keep everything updated x

TinieT

Sea_Shell wrote: »

Well done for putting your foot down!!

For what it's worth. i'd pay most money he gives me off the cards (regardless of the 0%), as that way, the money's not available for you to be tempted to lend again or spend on expensive meals etc. (without leaving yourself short)

Hi yes I see what you mean, although the only thing is my savings account is a no access account so you can't access them until a fixed date. So am still undecided what I'll do with it but either way I need to start at least paying some of this debt to get started

enthusiasticsaver

Why not do half and half? Pay half the money he gives you to the card which charges interest first and half to your savings? it will need to be an account you can get to obviously to pay off card before interest charging period. Tesco current accounts pay 3% interest up to £3k. Similarly with your monthly savings I would do half and half until interest kicks in. That may be better for you psychologically to see your savings rise. Do not be tempted to tell your partner though you have money accessible. Similarly if you will be tempted to spend or lend it put all it towards the debt instead.

enthusiasticsaver

You could think of it as your house savings pot and if he can pay you a fixed amount by standing order put it in there. Get rid of debit card as soon as it arrives and just do online transfers to credit cards when needed

hohum

I've read the thread and I have to say alarm bells are still going off wildly for me. I was in a relationship with a man in my twenties who was quite happy to live off me and my family. It put me in debt - not quite on the same scale - and it took a long time for me to get over being mad with myself for having stayed as I did.

Can I just say first off it's not your job to fix him. The boundary is, he's borrowed money consistently and is not paying it back. I am sceptical that the initial response to you will stick. It doesn't matter how or why he's bad with money, you don't have a responsibility (and can't) fix him. You don't co-habit and you're not married thank goodness. please don't entangle yourself further financially.

You are going to have to enforce your boundaries if you stay in this relationship, and that is no lending and no cash flowing. Have a plan for how you will respond - he is likely to throw a million different responses in order to maintain status quo of spending your money. I'm pretty sure he's toeing the line now, but maybe not believing it will last. Be certain yourself it will.

I'm not convinced from what you write that he's quit gambling. There are a lot of large expenses for things that somehow never materialise. Please don't enable him further.

Just to reiterate - be kind to yourself, you're not the first to be in this situation and you can get yourself out. You do not have a responsibility to fix or save him. Don't help him budget, don't lend him money, don't do anything to join finances. He may or may not get through this but it's not you who can do it for him.

fromtheshires

Well done for getting as far as you have got in the last few days

Whilst he may be willing to pay you back, there is an expression widely used in my family which is as long as he has a hole in his backsde, he will never have any money.

When my OH came clean about their debt (not quite the same as borrowing monry but the living the high life and not having a penny to his name is the same as your story), I said I will help you but I need full access to all your accounts to see where things are going wrong and we will work as a team and we will have a weekly spend review on a Friday night. In 18 months he went from -22K to having pai everytihng off. When I realised he was doing as we agreed, I let up and then only strated doing spot checks until I just left him to it.

That was you can see if he is still gambling and where the money keeps going and know if he is stringing you along about not being able to re-pay you. It may not be a suitable way for you to deal with it, but always an idea.

JustAboutThere

TinieT wrote: »

I'm holding out a flicker of hope in his new role that the high pay increase and massive increase in responsibility (He will be living alone and paying rent on his own flat) will kick him into action. But of course, I know this is me talking out of love. We shall see, but at the moment I am really concerned about paying this back and having some savings to my name.

I'd make sure when (if) the pay increase comes through, you ensure that the difference between the old pay and the new pay comes directly to you. He's not used to having any extra, so he won't miss it.

When your £1,200 comes through, I'd be tempted to split it three ways:

1. One third to pay back some of the debt;

2. One third into savings;

3. Keep the final third for you. Why should you have to get a second job and worry about the likes of how to pay for your hair upkeep, just because your OH won't pay back the money he owes you? Without the debt it sounds as if you'd be able to afford the maintenance - and why shouldn't you? You earn it.

In the meantime, stand in front of a mirror and practice saying "no"

All the very best and keep us updated as to how you're getting along.

Candyapple

TinieT wrote: »

Yes he used to be a full on gambling addict, I think that will always unfortunately be in him but he tended to gamble online and I know he has no access to credit cards. We spoke today and he told me he owes £22k including the debt he owes me. He has £5k each on two cards he used for various things and is unable to get anymore credit.

TinieT wrote: »

Yes he used to have a gambling problem and had maxed out a card on gambling online. He has since stopped but it is for various things. He took out a £12k loan to buy and sell watches with his watch dealer friend. This fell through and he had ended up paying the loan off as normal. Other things is he tends to overspend anyway (I believe he gets approx £2,300 a month) and he pays rent and if he goes out on a night out, he won't spend £40 he'll spend £200. But over time he has got himself into a vicious cycle or cards and so on.

TinieT wrote: »

He had a gambling problem (quite a large one) but this seems to be under control now however he has remnants of the debt from it alongside various other things e.g. the watch dealing loan he took out to buy and sell watches with a friend and then other cards. He basically uses cards to supplement his monthly income to pay for living costs and so on.
He also has borrowed his dad's card and so on and his dad has let him and therefore he has got into a cycle of owing him money too.

TinieT wrote: »

Potentially. He once won £50,000 and gambled it back in a week. This was about 3 years ago. After that it shocked him and he started attending gamblers anonymous and things improved. He had a slip up and maxed a £3k card out about 1 and a half years ago and since then it just picked up e.g he went on a stag do and took his credit card. Lots of alcohol, him trying to keep up etc. it all adds up. So it could still well be a gambling issue but he just is a massive spender anyway.

So is this £12k watch loan now repaid? Or is it still an existing debt?

You mentioned earlier that he drives an Audi, I’m presuming that this car is on finance, so that outstanding finance loan/balance also needs to be added to his total debt.

Does he have an overdraft with his bank? That too would also need to be classed as a debt.

What about this £3k card you mentioned above? Is that still outstanding?

If he earns £2,300 per month he’s on an annual salary of £36k. As a very rough guideline most lenders will lend you up to half your annual salary before they may start declining applications due to affordability checks.

If he’s told you that he only has debts in his name to the tune of £10k based on 2 cards of £5k each, why is he not able to obtain further credit? Does he have a history of not repaying his credit cards/loans on time? Otherwise it seems a bit odd that for someone with his salary and only 2 cards with £10k on them that he is not able to get at least another credit card.

Do you truly believe the £10k figure he has told you?

So aside from owing you £12k, his personal alleged debt of £10k, how much does he owe his dad? Any other friends/debtors that you may not know about?