My partner has got me £12k+ in debt

TinieT

Jenniefour wrote: »

OP - with all the best will in the world, it is wise not to rely on what your boyfriend may say about how much debt he's in - in your shoes I would want to see every piece of paperwork, every single bank statement for all accounts etc. Remember that some of what he has said in the past he hasn't followed through. He relies on your mis-placed kindness and your reluctance to say 'no'.

Whilst the figure he's given you may be accurate those who have some kind of difficult addictive type behaviours (drink problem, spending beyond means, gambling etc.) often underestimate quite considerably, or play down, to what extent they drink/overspend/gamble.

This reminds me so much of my cousins situation with her husband who gambled. He ran up enormous amounts of debt, they had two small children and on the times when she had a big showdown with him she would find out that his debts were far, far bigger than he had said. Like you, she had a good money head on her shoulders but his gambling was seriously impacting her and their children.

Eventually, she knew she had to leave the marriage which was a very hard, reluctant decision but she realised she must put the well being of their children and herself top of the list. He was, and still is, a lovely man. We see him at family occasions but we all know he has this fatal flaw that he seems unable/unwilling to address.

She took full responsibility for herself and their children financially - and has managed very well. Although she has never had a job with massive pay what she noticed, after they separated and she'd managed to pay off all the huge debts she unwisely allowed to be accrued in her name (because she loved him) she felt rich - because she did have some money left over at the end of every month to save. Getting herself debt free took three years, and there wasn't a penny left after the family home had to be sold to pay some of the debts.

Her story demonstrates that love is not enough to sustain a solid long term relationship over the long term. Shared values, and actions/decisions that are consistent with those values are very important, including how to deal with money.

You clearly have a wise head on your shoulders, good money sense and have started to make a plan forwards - great. Stick to it like glue, and add some more to it if necessary. He should be approaching you with solutions now and carrying them through.

Be prepared to consider letting him go if you do not see an enormous change very soon - even if it means you don't get back some/most of what he owes. The sacrifices that you are making now to deal with your side of this are relatively small in comparison to the possible situation you might be in five or ten years from now if you stay together and he chooses not to change.

Keep up the good work!!

Thank you very much for your really thought evoking comment. I do need to have a serious talk with even (maybe several of them). I need to see if we really are going to be on the same page going forward as you're right, imagine we had children and a mortgage to pay for and he was running up loads of debt. Unfortunately he has an addictive personality since I've known him.

I guess this is also an inherent flaw that might not ever be able to be changed. These comments have all given me lots to think about and great conversation topics I need to be having in the upcoming days and weeks

enthusiasticsaver

I think total transparency is a good idea and interesting that when you were helping to manage his money it got better. On £36k salary and £22k debt this should be manageable especially if he has access to no cards. Some people can change their spending behaviours and once he has no access to bailouts - you, his dad or credit cards he will have to have financial discipline. Just make sure he does not go down payday loan/sub prime lenders route. Of course this depends on your willingness to help him sort it out

TinieT

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

I think total transparency is a good idea and interesting that when you were helping to manage his money it got better. On £36k salary and £22k debt this should be manageable especially if he has access to no cards. Some people can change their spending behaviours and once he has no access to bailouts - you, his dad or credit cards he will have to have financial discipline. Just make sure he does not go down payday loan/sub prime lenders route. Of course this depends on your willingness to help him sort it out

Thank you, yes the period where I helped control his money did have a positive effect but it was just really inconvenient for both of us. So maybe we can come to a better compromise if we decide to really focus on this which hopefully we can. Will keep the thread updated

Ashingtonian

Don't waste your time drawing up payment plans etc. This man will never change. He will make a few token payments if you are lucky but will end up asking to borrow it back from you again.

Dump him, write off the £12k (hard I know but you won't see it again anyway) and move on with your life. I know they say love is blind but even Stevie Wonder would see this relationship is never going to work.

Rejast

Just wanted to comment. I have read the thread over the last couple of days and didn't want to just read and run. This could almost be me in one of my previous relationships.
I would like to add my voice to the others. I do think that you need to rethink your relationship a little.
I can understand your desire to protect yourself financially and I completely agree you should but hiding your savings etc is just as bad for your relationship as him hiding what he is spending etc. If you genuinely believe that he would nag/sulk if you had savings and refused to make them available to him then he is nothing more than a bully (I've has my fair share of those)
I think from your point of view you should tell him an amount you expect every month (at least the minimum payment amounts as they stand to be if they were not at 0% as you need to recoup as much as possible before the next excuse arises) and what he has left for his own commitments is his problem, he is old enough to deal with his own debts etc and if he is unable to manage his own finances than please never move in with him.
The last thing you need as a financially responsible person is to be dragged into any thing which compromises your position or possessions.
I wish you all the best and will follow your thread in the hope this all works out.

Verbatim

Hi,
I too have just read through the thread and agree with most of the points made, (with the exception of Dr Watson).
I would emphasise that you really do NOT want to be financially linked to this f r e e l o a d e r and so avoid any joint account which might be suggested as a way of managing your monies now or in the future. Also no joint tenancies or mortgages.
You have said he gets annoyed when you question his need to borrow, (post 10) and that you don't want to rock the boat. Why? What do you think might happen? It sounds as if he is well on the way to having a very unhealthy control over you. I would try and get as much back as you can, do not pay for him to go out with you any more, ( it's his turn for the next x years!), and be honest with him:even if sometimes you can afford to you don't want to "lend" ie give, him any more money.
I'm having heart palpitations with indignation that his seeing that you have cash would lead him to ask you for "just" £50! You are a similar age to my daughter and it's a shame you can't talk to your mum about him. If my dd told me this I know what kind of talk I'd have with him!
We women often think that men will change. Very rarely is this going to happen. He's had seven years of your life and money. How much more of your youth are you going to lose waiting for him to change?
You sound so full of hope, ambition and optimism. It's time for deeds not words. Tell him to pay up and if there's no immediate and continued action on that front tell him to go so you can find someone you can have an equal partnership with.
Wishing you all success in finding someone who'll treat you better.
V

mumto2girlsandaboy

Just wanted to say good luck with this, hope he puts you first and pays you back now

Little_Miss_Winner

How you getting on TT ?? x

DrWatson1

TinieT wrote: »

Yes he used to be a full on gambling addict, I think that will always unfortunately be in him but he tended to gamble online and I know he has no access to credit cards. We spoke today and be told me he owes £22k including the debt he owes me. He has £5k each on two cards he used for various things and is unable to get anymore credit.

So it's bad but kind of positive in that he's acknowledged the money he owes me factored into his total debt amount. Not an ideal situation but we shall see

It's really good he has faced up to and overcome his addiction. In my view, it demonstrates that he can both acknowledge a problem and change for the better, but obviously you still have to be vigilant in looking out for any warning signs that he may relapse. There are only so many chances you can give someone, but everyone deserves at least a second chance imo.

Assuming his credit is trashed anyway, and assuming he doesn't have any formal arrangement with his creditors, would he be open to some kind of formal agreement to help deal with his debts, such as a debt management plan?

Sea_Shell

How are you getting on TT?