My partner has got me £12k+ in debt

juststuff123

Well you've been through it a bit!:mad:


Can I suggest re. Standing order. Don't ask him to do it. Tell him to do it, it leaves less wiggle room for putting it off and saying yeah later when I get my pay rise etc etc. A well known delaying tactic either concious or unconcious in the hope's it'll all go away.


Also don't pin too much of your hopes there. People who can't live within their means becasue of the 'party' lifestyle are unlikely to be able to change that whatever their income is without the LBM. I expect the thought 'ooo A pay rise now I can buy such and such' has crossed his mind far more than "ooo a pay rise now I can start paying this debt". Especially since he is earning very good money already with very little in the way of essental expenses - rent etc.


So pin him down now on the standing order don't let him put it off.

JustAboutThere

TinieT wrote: »

He once won £50,000 and gambled it back in a week.

:eek::eek::eek::eek:

OMG!

TinieT

JustAboutThere wrote: »

:eek::eek::eek::eek:

OMG!

Yep!!!! You can imagine my reaction. It was from here we disabled his accounts and contacted the gambling sites not to give him further access

TinieT

juststuff123 wrote: »

Well you've been through it a bit!:mad:


Can I suggest re. Standing order. Don't ask him to do it. Tell him to do it, it leaves less wiggle room for putting it off and saying yeah later when I get my pay rise etc etc. A well known delaying tactic either concious or unconcious in the hope's it'll all go away.


Also don't pin too much of your hopes there. People who can't live within their means becasue of the 'party' lifestyle are unlikely to be able to change that whatever their income is without the LBM. I expect the thought 'ooo A pay rise now I can buy such and such' has crossed his mind far more than "ooo a pay rise now I can start paying this debt". Especially since he is earning very good money already with very little in the way of essental expenses - rent etc.


So pin him down now on the standing order don't let him put it off.

Yes you are right. In going to ask for a standing order and that works out better for both of us. He will get used to paying me and won't have to think about it as as you said, will be less wriggle room. Of course there's scope he might cancel it mid way through the year thinking I won't notice but I watch my bank accounts like a hawk. I'm hoping he wouldn't consider that anyway

TinieT

Candyapple wrote: »

So is this £12k watch loan now repaid? Or is it still an existing debt?he still owes around £5k on this so on top of his 22k then that is on top of it now I'm thinking about it. He pays it off each month

You mentioned earlier that he drives an Audi, I’m presuming that this car is on finance, so that outstanding finance loan/balance also needs to be added to his total debt. He actually owns this but uses a car a lot as he lives kind of in the middle of nowhere

Does he have an overdraft with his bank? That too would also need to be classed as a debt. he had an overdraft but believe he had this closed now

What about this £3k card you mentioned above? Is that still outstanding? card debt is still outstanding yes, I'm not sure of the exact payments he puts to it each month though

If he earns £2,300 per month he’s on an annual salary of £36k. As a very rough guideline most lenders will lend you up to half your annual salary before they may start declining applications due to affordability checks.

If he’s told you that he only has debts in his name to the tune of £10k based on 2 cards of £5k each, why is he not able to obtain further credit? Does he have a history of not repaying his credit cards/loans on time? Otherwise it seems a bit odd that for someone with his salary and only 2 cards with £10k on them that he is not able to get at least another credit card.

Do you truly believe the £10k figure he has told you?

So aside from owing you £12k, his personal alleged debt of £10k, how much does he owe his dad? Any other friends/debtors that you may not know about?

unfortunately I believe he has defaulted over his financial life on some cards so I think that affects his credit rating. I believe the money he owes his dad is included. I rounded the amount he owes me to £10k but he knows he also needs to add £2k on top for general things. 1,200 I am expecting off him soon

TinieT

JustAboutThere wrote: »

I'd make sure when (if) the pay increase comes through, you ensure that the difference between the old pay and the new pay comes directly to you. He's not used to having any extra, so he won't miss it.

When your £1,200 comes through, I'd be tempted to split it three ways:

1. One third to pay back some of the debt;

2. One third into savings;

3. Keep the final third for you. Why should you have to get a second job and worry about the likes of how to pay for your hair upkeep, just because your OH won't pay back the money he owes you? Without the debt it sounds as if you'd be able to afford the maintenance - and why shouldn't you? You earn it.

In the meantime, stand in front of a mirror and practice saying "no"

All the very best and keep us updated as to how you're getting along.

That's a good point about paying me the pay rise amount. I will probably make it half and half as on payday I am able to afford my hair (my main luxury). I have been practising saying no and I feel more confident doing it- I'm not going to be swayed!

TinieT

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

You could think of it as your house savings pot and if he can pay you a fixed amount by standing order put it in there. Get rid of debit card as soon as it arrives and just do online transfers to credit cards when needed

Thanks for letting me know about the Tesco current account- I wasn't aware of that do I will check it out. Yes I'm considering doing half and half as psychologically it definitely gets to me about lack of savings so I think I will make a spreadsheet to make clear what I'm saving and paying to the cards so if the time comes he does fully start paying I can make sure I get the full amount I am owed.

TinieT

hohum wrote: »

I've read the thread and I have to say alarm bells are still going off wildly for me. I was in a relationship with a man in my twenties who was quite happy to live off me and my family. It put me in debt - not quite on the same scale - and it took a long time for me to get over being mad with myself for having stayed as I did.

Can I just say first off it's not your job to fix him. The boundary is, he's borrowed money consistently and is not paying it back. I am sceptical that the initial response to you will stick. It doesn't matter how or why he's bad with money, you don't have a responsibility (and can't) fix him. You don't co-habit and you're not married thank goodness. please don't entangle yourself further financially.

You are going to have to enforce your boundaries if you stay in this relationship, and that is no lending and no cash flowing. Have a plan for how you will respond - he is likely to throw a million different responses in order to maintain status quo of spending your money. I'm pretty sure he's toeing the line now, but maybe not believing it will last. Be certain yourself it will.

I'm not convinced from what you write that he's quit gambling. There are a lot of large expenses for things that somehow never materialise. Please don't enable him further.

Just to reiterate - be kind to yourself, you're not the first to be in this situation and you can get yourself out. You do not have a responsibility to fix or save him. Don't help him budget, don't lend him money, don't do anything to join finances. He may or may not get through this but it's not you who can do it for him.

Yes your advice is really good thank you. You're right I am not his parent and it is hard to separate love and care and just straight to the point saying No. But I will be saying no now, I can't carry on allowing this as it will dig a deep hole. I am lucky the amount is this and not something like £40k. Of course it shouldn't be this amount at all but I have to think of the positives. There will need to be boundaries if we continue that's for sure

TinieT

fromtheshires wrote: »

Well done for getting as far as you have got in the last few days

Whilst he may be willing to pay you back, there is an expression widely used in my family which is as long as he has a hole in his backsde, he will never have any money.

When my OH came clean about their debt (not quite the same as borrowing monry but the living the high life and not having a penny to his name is the same as your story), I said I will help you but I need full access to all your accounts to see where things are going wrong and we will work as a team and we will have a weekly spend review on a Friday night. In 18 months he went from -22K to having pai everytihng off. When I realised he was doing as we agreed, I let up and then only strated doing spot checks until I just left him to it.

That was you can see if he is still gambling and where the money keeps going and know if he is stringing you along about not being able to re-pay you. It may not be a suitable way for you to deal with it, but always an idea.

Yes, in fact we actually did do something similar for a while. He cut up his bank card and would transfer money he needed to me. and then I would take out the money for him and so on. Eventually the logistics got in the way as days I couldn't meet him and so on when he needed money was a bit of a nightmare but there is definitely a better way around it. When we next meet I will suggest this as I think it's a good idea to have full transparency, not only for him but for me. I don't want to parent him but I know when I helped in managing his money things were better all round (this was before he owed me money, say 3-4 years ago).

Jenniefour

OP - with all the best will in the world, it is wise not to rely on what your boyfriend may say about how much debt he's in - in your shoes I would want to see every piece of paperwork, every single bank statement for all accounts etc. Remember that some of what he has said in the past he hasn't followed through. He relies on your mis-placed kindness and your reluctance to say 'no'.

Whilst the figure he's given you may be accurate those who have some kind of difficult addictive type behaviours (drink problem, spending beyond means, gambling etc.) often underestimate quite considerably, or play down, to what extent they drink/overspend/gamble.

This reminds me so much of my cousins situation with her husband who gambled. He ran up enormous amounts of debt, they had two small children and on the times when she had a big showdown with him she would find out that his debts were far, far bigger than he had said. Like you, she had a good money head on her shoulders but his gambling was seriously impacting her and their children.

Eventually, she knew she had to leave the marriage which was a very hard, reluctant decision but she realised she must put the well being of their children and herself top of the list. He was, and still is, a lovely man. We see him at family occasions but we all know he has this fatal flaw that he seems unable/unwilling to address.

She took full responsibility for herself and their children financially - and has managed very well. Although she has never had a job with massive pay what she noticed, after they separated and she'd managed to pay off all the huge debts she unwisely allowed to be accrued in her name (because she loved him) she felt rich - because she did have some money left over at the end of every month to save. Getting herself debt free took three years, and there wasn't a penny left after the family home had to be sold to pay some of the debts.

Her story demonstrates that love is not enough to sustain a solid long term relationship over the long term. Shared values, and actions/decisions that are consistent with those values are very important, including how to deal with money.

You clearly have a wise head on your shoulders, good money sense and have started to make a plan forwards - great. Stick to it like glue, and add some more to it if necessary. He should be approaching you with solutions now and carrying them through.

Be prepared to consider letting him go if you do not see an enormous change very soon - even if it means you don't get back some/most of what he owes. The sacrifices that you are making now to deal with your side of this are relatively small in comparison to the possible situation you might be in five or ten years from now if you stay together and he chooses not to change.

Keep up the good work!!