14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

Pollycat

DollyDee wrote: »

Another lurker here. I've read all the thread and just wanted to say well done & best wishes to MUN!

Some of the posts have really made me smile and you have been given (and taken) excellent advice.

One thing really puzzles me - how on earth did he manage to get a council house so quickly and easily. From what I've read on MSE, single parents with children with special needs who haven't made themselves intentionally homeless only get emergency housing in B & B's etc. You said a few posts ago that his children are in their 20's now. I suspect porkies are being told. Perhaps I'm wrong but it seems strange. Or perhaps he's renting privately on a council estate?

All the best MUN.

Dolly

I think (but can't find the post) that he's renting privately on a council estate.

Pollycat

Found reference to 'council house'

my-user-name wrote: »

She told me hes not happy in the house because its a tiny thing and its in the middle of a council estate

my-user-name

DollyDee wrote: »

Another lurker here. I've read all the thread and just wanted to say well done & best wishes to MUN!

Some of the posts have really made me smile and you have been given (and taken) excellent advice.

One thing really puzzles me - how on earth did he manage to get a council house so quickly and easily. From what I've read on MSE, single parents with children with special needs who haven't made themselves intentionally homeless only get emergency housing in B & B's etc. You said a few posts ago that his children are in their 20's now. I suspect porkies are being told. Perhaps I'm wrong but it seems strange. Or perhaps he's renting privately on a council estate?

All the best MUN.

Dolly

Hi Dolly,
As far as I'm aware its a private house on a council estate which will probably mean it was previously a council house and someone bought it on a "right to buy"and then rented it out to tenants.They do that a lot near where I live.

my-user-name

Kirklees1992 wrote: »

Sorry, but I think it has to be pointed out that if this man was given a free ride in your relationship, ie contributing very little, he did so because you let him.

People phoning you up to ask how you are isn't harassment.

This is turning into 15 pages of kicking your ex (and his family) and assuming that he had another woman.

Yes he sounded awful, but you let him away with not pulling his weight and not paying his share.

As for being over him in 4 weeks, you may find that unresolved feelings bite you on the bottom later, I don't believe that it's possible to get closure on a long relationship in a month

Hi Kirklees,
Thanks for your imput,I,ll try to explain the best way I can.
All through my posts I have always said its my own fault and that yes Ive been stupid,yes Ive been foolish,yes if I had my time again I would of done things totally different .Theres only one person to blame for him not cooking throughout our time together and him not paying his way...........me,not him....me and only me.The posters who have contributed to this thread also know this so your not the only one who says it was all my fault,others say and think it too and I cant fault them for that because I know its true.

People phoning me up.......family especially. No its not harassment (not yet anyway) but its a inconvenience.Why do his family have to reassure me their family member hasn't been cheating on me?they also don't believe he cheated when he was married to his ex wife.
How do I know he was a cheater?? well he told me for starters,I know one woman who took great delight reliving old days to me and then go into great detail of when they used to sneak off to certain hotels overnight.Another woman I once met and seemed a lovely lady,then he told me he had a 6 month affair with her while he was married.
So that's why I don't want family members contacting to reassure me he would never do that to me,he did it with his wife and young children were involved in their lives at the time.I don't want to listen to them telling me for all his faults hes a loyal man,how he was a loyal man with me and a loyal man to his wife.Hes got form Kirkless.

4 weeks and I'm over him...oh no I'm not.I wont be over him for a long time to come.Whats happening to me is I'm coping,thats a massive difference to being over him.
Who knows, tomorrow I could take to my bed and stay there for a fortnight, who knows, I may be bottling up my deepest feelings and end up having a nervous breakdown, who knows what may happen in the future, Im not concentrating on my future Kirklees, Im concentrating by taking one day at a time,Im not looking a week ahead,a month ahead,a year ahead,Im concentrating on today and only today.So please don't think I'm painting the town red and having fun fun fun because I promise you I'm not.

I can get over being stupid,foolish an idiot for allowing him to use me but his cruel words when he was leaving and his cruel actions I will never get over,I didn't expect it and I didn't deserve it,you may think I do because I was such a walkover but I'm still a human being with feelings .So I just take each day as it comes,going to work,doing up my home to make it better for myself and nobody else and I keep myself busy,that definatly dosent mean I'm over him.

spirit

^^^

Well said MUN

EdwardB

Kirklees1992 wrote: »

Sorry, but I think it has to be pointed out that if this man was given a free ride in your relationship, ie contributing very little, he did so because you let him.

People phoning you up to ask how you are isn't harassment.

This is turning into 15 pages of kicking your ex (and his family) and assuming that he had another woman.

Yes he sounded awful, but you let him away with not pulling his weight and not paying his share.

As for being over him in 4 weeks, you may find that unresolved feelings bite you on the bottom later, I don't believe that it's possible to get closure on a long relationship in a month

With the greatest of respect, MUN started this thread asking for help, all you seem to want to do is bash her, it suggests to me that you have not actually read the pages otherwise you would not make such hurtful comments.

If you can't be supportive maybe you would be better off unsubscribing from the thread, there will be a link in the email that told you there had been a post, up to your post it had all been positive, please do not spoil it.

I am sure that there are plenty of other threads where your advice would be appropriate and appreciated.

Again, with respect, please leave.

my-user-name

Thanks spirit and Edward ,he sounds a tad bit angry but its ok as Ive said before I'm a tough Northern Lass and his words haven't hurt me,hes just got it a bit wrong.
I did ask for help Edward and I certainly got it.
Has he only joined this website today??
Kirklees1992
Join date: 01-03-2017

annandale

To be fair I've seen people post on here and be torn to shreds. I don't think you have been even if not every post has been what you want to hear

The risk you take when starting any thread on here is that you'll get opposing viewpoints. Look at the thread jen started for example

I personally don't think it's for any poster on here to order another poster off a thread and the mods might take a dim view of it.

That's more likely to get your thread pulled than anyone posting a post you don't care for.

Threads can go all sorts of ways and that's part and parcel of forums.

EdwardB

my-user-name wrote: »

Crikey I thought Id jump on here and answer one or two posts and theres loads(hells bells!),each time I read a post either from the lovely people who have posted from day one or long time lurkers it gives me even more strength to carry on on my own and you all make me understand that he was indeed a leech whos had it bloody easy over the past 14 years.

Did I really love him as much as I thought??or am I just relieved that I'm finally on my own and away from that dead weight.(that's not bitterness talking,honestly it isn't)

As I mentioned in my last post,I received a phone message from his real mum when I arrived home from a residents meeting last night.(real mum and step mum both in carhoots with each other??) if they are then its not getting either of them anywhere.

It was just a basic message,how are you,sorry for ringing so late(8pm??)just checking if everyting is alright,speak to you soon. As I mentioned I never returned the call and I wont be returning the call.

So now Ive had either messages or phone calls from practically every member of his household and I could make a joke and say the only one left to ring me is his ex wife........but she messaged me within the first week of breaking up!! that went down like a lead balloon for me

Shes been there since day one and she had a right to be I guess considering they had children together but when the children are now grown men both well into their 20,s it kind of got me thinking "do we really still need her in our life??" obviously he thought we did..So she must of been one of the first who he told because she was the first to message me to say how sorry she was.Through gritted teeth I remember saying "oh I,ll survive,I always do" and for the first time in 14 years jealousy reared its ugly head on my part because she was the last one I wanted condolences from

Edward
Gday! Yep lumps in my throat and watery eyes no more,yay!! one or two girls spoke just a bit to me today about him and I told them how I feel right now. One said "no way are you over him" and one said "oh your a hard cow" I know which one I preferred lol,dont forget one or two have already met him and thought the sun shone out of his backside.(I'm still glad I hung on to tell them though)

Pollycat
Nah no return calls on my part for sure,hells bells no lol You mention "unless the contact is upsetting you" again nah,Im a tough Northern Lass,there not bothering me in the slightest,honestly!

Mojisola
That is exactly how his world works,hence him still being in constant contact with his ex wife,you know him sooooooooooo well lol

LannieDuck
Yes it does come across as him thinking I'm sat here alone and missing him,that just shows you the type of man he is,if only he knew...no on second thoughts I'm glad he dosent then he can wonder even more lol

Pollycat
Looking back over time I realised he has tried to pull the reigns in on me quite a few times,its always worked but not this time.Again I say if it wasn't for the lovely people on here giving me advice(and most importantly me taking it) then without doubt he would of reigned me in again,that could of happened until my dying day perish the thought.

spirit
I can definatly say,hand on heart,the letter is deep inside and tucked away in the black hole of Calcutta(my spare room),mind you now its all de cluttered and almost ready to become my second bedroom then those words will have to go and I,ll have to change them into pretty nice ones lol My Ebay bedroom furniture for the room arrives this Friday,yay!!!

Top Girl
Its all making sense isn't it? a rush to leave with no explaination,staying with his real mum,now living in a house he dosent actually like,yep the fog is clearing.God a month ago and that would of ripped my heart out,now its a case of "more fool you"

Edward once again......
You are one of a few men I know whos got a massive sense of humour and personality to match!! Now please don't shock us all and say your actually a lady lol
But the words he said to me when he told me he was leaving(fell out of love,end of the road for us,not into relationships blah blah blah )how on earth could I ever forgive them and most importantly forget them??it just would never be possible.Could I of loved him anymore,hell no so getting back together would of been impossible.I just wish he would of said those words 3 years ago then without doubt Id have more money in my purse right now.

jude47
Ive never had a long time lurker before,hiya!! To be totally honest Ive actually surprised myself how I'm feeling right now.Never in a million years would I ever think Id be feeling the way I do right now and in such a short space of time,very weird indeed.
But at the time when we was together I was blinded,he was my main priority and I always put him first(well apart form sodding off to New York on my own that is.BUT HE COULD OF COME WITH ME IF HE REALLY WANTED TO LOL) In a way I never allowed myself to think outside the box because I was too wrapped up in him,I couldn't see the wood for the trees I guess.Time away from him made me think differently and if he really did love me he would never of said those cruel words would he?

barbiedoll
2 mummies and a ex wife fighting his corner you mean ?? lol
Your right barbiedoll he was bleeding me dry but whos fault was that??yep me and its only now that I'm kicking myself for allowing it.Not just on the financial side but even the cooking side too,what a bloody fool I was to actually allow it?
Are his 2 mums concerned about my feeings?? well there both total opposites.One is a (cant spel this word)Mrs Boo kay, very posh indeed,posh house,good amount of money,always got the best china out when we visited.His real mum lives a very basic life,very little money and in the very first stages of Alziemers sadly,thats why her message last night dosent really bother me,she may still think were together possibly,just not sure on that.

" he'll still be DYING to know that you're sitting indoors with a soppy film, a box of mansized tissues and a huge bar of Dairy Milk, bawling your eyes out at the thought of your lost love"

Well I don't watch soppy films,,I use toilet roll to blow my nose..and the chocolate??? well one out of 3 isn't bad lol

Jojo
Tea and closure??? good Lord the closure would be when I throw him over the balcony if he came for tea and closure lol
He never bought you a birthday card in 5 years??sometimes I wish he hadn't bothered with sending me any considering they were the Card Factory type and definatly not the Hallmark range lol Yes I know its the thought that counts but when its a special occasion then no it bloody dosent

I hope and I think everyone knows how much I appreciate their input on this thread,Ive said it before and I,ll say it till I'm blue in the face that without your advice I'm not sure where I would be right now.I DONT MEAN ENDING IT! I just mean I could of gone running back to him,I could of begged him to come back,I could of stalked him,I could of run into the arms of the first man who shown me a nice side,I could of done a lot of wrong things but I listened to your advice,I looked at links that were put on here to read and you've all made me realise the love of my life who I had on a pedestal for so many years was actually a mean tight fisted inconsiderate miserable selfish pain in the !!! who truly dosent deserve me.
For once I was able to think outside the box,yes he did me a massive favour didn't he?

And on a separate note I received this email today....

You have won!

Dear **********

Congratulations, your postcode, ********, is a People's Postcode Lottery Winner! You've won £10 for every ticket you play with. Your winnings will be paid into the account you have registered with us within 28 days.

I was going to cancel it this week!! Ok so its only a tenner but my lucks still in.Im still going to cancel it though then I can say I left on a high lol

I keep thinking admin will look on this thread and say"right shes ok now,shes over him,lets pull the plug on this thread,sorry admin I didn't think Id get so much fantastic advice!
Feeling the way I do must mean I'm actually over him dosent it??I'm sure I can say I am over him right at this very minute but I also realise that's not normal in such a short space of time.Im happy to stick with this feeling though.

MUN when you started this thread you were in a very fragile state and of course you are still healing, you said yourself it is going to be a long time, months or years even.

However, you have shown great strength and you do more and more every day.

Whether it be people at work or other unsympathetic people, nobody on this planet has the right to judge you, except yourself. Goodness knows you have shown great humility and profound dignity.

People have relationships, some last some don't but from what you have said it is clear you invested everything you had to give and again from what you said, you were treated badly, not just in the way he departed or in the awful things he said, but in him doing this several years ago.

This is not a bash the drip thread, although goodness knows there is plenty to bash, but as we have established you are just trying to move on, no real animosity, you just want to be left alone.

His comments via letter, via both mummies and via the neighbour take him to the line of harrassment, which is why I suggested a cease and desist note or call just so there can be no doubt. After that it WILL be harassment if it continues via him and his proxies. At which point you can decide how you handle it.

I do feel sad for his real mother, if she somehow was not aware and had to be told every day that would be horrible. I happened in my family where a relative lost 20 years from a stroke and had to go into a care home.

However, if that was indeed the case that she did not know then the nicest thing to do would be to perhaps change your number as suggested by others.

I am sorry if some do not like him to be bashed but the ex-wife thing is totally weird, I am all for keeping things civil with no animosity, especially when there are kids involved. However, there are boundaries and loyalty; sure he can take a call to request he does something for a child, but they are way past that if they are in their mid 20's.

I think it is weird that she texts you in that first week or ever for that matter, is that some sort of "Now it is your turn" or what? Just weird. Hey maybe she will have him back!

MUN again with the kind words, I am no different to anyone here or down any street, I am totally flawed (as we all are), on a learning journey.

Yep I am afraid you got me, I am a lady in disguise! KIDDING! No I have all those bloke habits, it is just I was well trained early on to gain respect you need to develop self-respect. I also have a lot of empathy, but I can be as insensitive as the next guy at times.

I have a theory that relationship make us grow, they are a rollercoaster of good and some not so good times, but they make us who we are. It is never easy to feel loss and you know from your parents that you can jump right back to feeling that loss at any time.

Your journey with him is done; he will get the message to move on, he will survive and good luck to him.

You meanwhile are in a much better place than you were and getting better every day, as you develop your interests, clear out the spare room and spend more time with good people like Ms Envelope he just becomes more and more of insignificant in this next stage of your journey.

my-user-name

Remember when Diana said in the famous interview"there was always 3 in this marriage" or words to that effect,thats how I felt sometimes.
The lads were around 9 and 12 I think when I came into his life so I fully expected their mum would be in our life too and I was right.However even when they grew up she was still in our life,not fully but always in the background.
She didn't like me at the beginning and made it clear on family get togethers (she found someone else within months of them splitting up) and shes still with him today.
She tried to make a fool of me in a pub one night in front of her friends so I called her outside and had it out with her.I asked her why she hated me so much considering I came into his life nearly 3 years after they split up and she didn't have a answer.Over the years it went a bit easier but it had to because she realised I was here to stay and besides her children and me got on fantastic.
It was actually regarding his ex wife which caused us to have a row on Christmas night.....and another row on New Years Eve and again she was included with this row,it went downhill from then.
So you see how gggrrrrhhh it made me when she contacted me to say she was sorry to hear we had split up.I was ok with her and just said "I,ll survive,I always do" Ive not heard anything from her since.