14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

Primrose

Another one here advising you not to give her your number. Once it,s released you could be getting all kinds of needy calls. Take it as a red light that the individual posted a message at 4.30 am and ask yourself if she would find it equally OK to make phone calls at that hour of the morning.

You have enough on your plate getting your own life back on track. Either ignore the request or send her a polite message that you value your privacy and your number is ex directory.

my-user-name

Thanks Mojisola and Primrose,I think she might just want to tell me her problem and indeed moan about her situation.
I do like helping people if and when I can but its a bit off the mark asking me for my number.
I don't mind messaging her but Ive already told her what to do and where to go for advice so I feel she just wants to have a moan about her problem.
Thanks guys.if she messages again I will tell her I'm ex directory and value my privacy (I do anyway lol)and dont give my number out,

Pollycat

I'm very protective about my personal contact details.

There's no way that I'd give my phone number to someone on a public forum.

my-user-name

Pollycat wrote: »

I'm very protective about my personal contact details.

There's no way that I'd give my phone number to someone on a public forum.

It just seemed strange she was asking a complete stranger for their number Pollycat, I wouldn't of dreamed doing that to another forum member.
She probably saw me as someone who she could have a good moan too I think, could be totally wrong though,justnot sure.But I gave her websites and links to help her with her problem but she still wanted to discus it with me on the phone,very strange.?

EdwardB

my-user-name wrote: »

Wow that's a lot of links to look through,thanks so much Edward!!
Yep the love letters I found were different to the ones we receive(or receive via email and text) I think the art of letter writing is dead and gone and that's the saddest part of all isn't it.
Can I just ask a very quick question?? it has nothing to do with this post,well I suppose its more to do with forum boards that we mentioned a few days ago.
I went on to gransnet forum board at the weekend and the members were talking about a certain problem a woman was going through.A family member of mine had experience of her problem because she went through similar a few years ago so I posted a reply(so did many others) and I thought that was it.
Shortly afterwards I received a private message from one of the members who posted on this problem,she was also going through the same as the woman who posted her problem.
She asked me a few questions which I was able to answer and I replied back to her.
She thanked me and asked if she could ring me to discuss her problem in finer detail.
I answered her with more information that she asked about but I didn't mention anything about her asking if she could ring me.
Ive received another 2 private messages from her and she keeps going on asking if she can ring me and can I give her my number or she could send me hers.
The old side of me would probably say "yes ok she needs advice which might be able to help her" ....however the new me is thinking "Ive enough problems in my life without adding someone elses problem to them".I rarely give my number out to anyone(well ok HIS family have it!) but is it strange that shes asking to ring me to talk over her problem??? I know I wouldn't ask a forum member for their phone number,
Ive even thought of blocking her but that's not a nice thing to do.
She needs help I agree but its her asking if she can ring me which is making me feel a bit iffy.Her last message to me was at 4-30 this morning.
Ring?dont ring?block??

I think you already has the good advice and your instinct was right on the button anyway, but here are a few why's.

1. As a private person you can say things on a forum you might not be happy saying in public.
2. The Internet is a publishing platform, now people might think bits of it are for social media, other bits to sell on ebay, but EVERY website bar none, is a publishing platform that can be connected to you, if you let it.
3. There might be some people who you may wish to give your number to after a while, I am thinking months or years!! However, if you do you connect everything you have said to the real you.
4. You have NO IDEA who this person will share your number with, "oh yes you need to speak to MUN she is very kind and helpful, her number is NNN and her real name is AAAA" and that would be if you were lucky.
5. The person may have mental health issues that lead them to obsess about you along with all the grief that goes with that. I had someone I knew from a contract I was on years ago, she started calling me at home, was really nice, we chatted for at least an hour several times. Then I started getting these calls, they would stay on the line and say nothing. It started off being a nuisance, then got to 35 a day, I warned them I was reporting it, BT started monitoring and I was given a number to dial after each call. I was SO shocked to find it was her, not only did I have to proceed with Police report (they made me sign before I started) but I lost someone I thought was a friend. She called me and pleaded with me not to proceed, said it would shame her family, I was put in a very difficult position and the Police told me I was not the first.
6. When someone asks you for something so quickly it shows they have "boundary" issues.
7. When someone pesters you like that it shows they have "boundary" issues.
8. When someone has "boundary" issues they will have them for everything, calling, turning up at weird hours or without notification.
9. The characteristics demonstrated are of a "needy" person, now we are all in "need" at some point in our lives but in my experience there are some who are leeches, only when you say "sorry but no more" do they move on. A very wise person on this very thread pointed out that this is pasasitic behaviour.
10. Some people target others, some target them on behalf of others, it might have been something you said, or just that they do it to many.

Well that is 10 good reasons in addition to your own.

The real question is, would you give your number to someone if they knew you for such a short period of time and who had said such thing, if you met them at the Library or in the Supermarket?

In my volunteering I took on a lot of activities and I also helped families, over 100 of them, now usually they just need a helping hand, you might gather info, write a letter, signpost them or whatever they need, but some of them sapped everything out of me, I had to back off and pass them on. Some were so disturbing; enough to make one think that there is real evil in people.

The thing is you home, your number, your space, they are all part of your sanctuary, a place where you feel safe, so letting a complete stranger in is a big no no.

A friend of mind meets people via online dating, they work very long hours and have time for usual social life, they are also not interested in settling down, so they use Tinder. It is complete waste of time if you ask me but their needs are different to mine. Anyway, they keep a separate £1 sim and put it in an old phone with no contract. They can take calls via the number or whatapp and they can block people. I have told them they should write a book about the things that people they have met have done.

So Don’t ring, maybe not block but ignore and cease to engage.

my-user-name

Thanks Edward.I wont block her unless she keeps messaging me,I just found it very weird indeed.Im definatly not a regular forum member on Gransnet,Ive only ever posted a reply once and then this one which I did at the weekend.
The girl you mentioned,would she of had mental issues do you think??I wonder why she suddenly went from chatting to you to ringing you up and saying nothing,I would of hated that Edward,Ive had the odd one or two of silent calls and I didn't like it one bit.
As for Tinder,I suppose this site is good for people who want to meet up especially if they have unsocial hours but it would put the fear of God up me meeting them!you just don't know who your meeting.Dont forget,Catfish is one of my favourite programmes so I can see how it turns so wrong.However Ive mentioned my friend who found her fishie on Plenty of Fish so it works for some people but I cant see me ever joining anything like that..
Those 10 reasons are excellent Edward especially the boundary issues.as far as I was concerned I gave her good websites and links to look up so she didn't really need to speak to me because everything was on the links..I think maybe she wanted to share her problem with someone whos never heard it before.
I made friends with a lady on my Facebook page and she mithered and mithered for me to come and see her,her husband drove but she didn't.In the end I did go(80 bloody miles away!) we had a nice day but then she expected me to come and see her on my one day off from work every week.I nipped it in the bud when I went down one day to see her and she suggested I meet her daughter.She said she dosent live far and we can drive there........it was 40 miles away lol Never again lol
Shes still my firend on Facebook but Ive not seen her for at least a year,I think shes realised I aint doing it again.Besides,I don't think my little jalopy would get me there anyway lol
Living room furniture arrives tomorrow,yay!! now I will definatly have to start my living room decorating.Its all the flat pack stuff and looks really modern,it will sooooooooo transform my living room.
I will need to look for a flat pack fitter to do it for me,Ive tried looking for a flat pack fitter in the local adds but nothings coming up,are they classed under a different name???

kelpie35

As you have a facebook account try local selling sites in your area.

Put a post up asking for a handyman who could put together your flat packs.

Also ask for recommendations from people on the sites.

I have used this method for carpet fitters, plumbers and electricians.

Hope this helps

my-user-name

kelpie35 wrote: »

As you have a facebook account try local selling sites in your area.

Put a post up asking for a handyman who could put together your flat packs.

Also ask for recommendations from people on the sites.

I have used this method for carpet fitters, plumbers and electricians.

Hope this helps

Cracking idea kelpie,theres loads of pages for our local area(why the heck didn't I think of this in the first place?) I might even get a bargain charge price too!

spirit

I guess it depends what is coming by flatpack? I might ask for help with wardrobes, but recently have put together (all IKEA) several chests of drawers, a desk, billy bookcase and sofa - all on my own.


It feels quite something when you have achieved it on your own - if you can.

-taff

For flatpack fitting you usually only need a reasonable cordless drill, allen key and two screwdriver fittings, an ability to follow a diagram, and some swear time.

It's easy, I'd only consider it a two person job if you're putting together a sofa, or as above, a wardrobe...