14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

EdwardB

calicocat wrote: »

you are funny, thought about a career in tv ?.... or radio actually , that would work better with your humour I think

Ha Ha, funny I was asked when Channel 4 was launched if I fancied working on TV, I declined, I think it was because I once did a course on doing presentations and they started and ended with a video. That was plenty for me.

EdwardB

DesignNotDefault wrote: »

Ed wrote: »

“Oh "he is in a Council House", maybe he should try being homeless, sleeping in his car, or in the car park of an abandoned building. He made his bed, he must sleep in it I hope it is damp, smells and has bed bugs!

The only power over you that mummy and mummy's boy have is the power you give them, so give them nothing, nada, nicht, rien de rien!

If didums is confused then so much the better, remember you were quietly getting on with your life, licking your wounds and moving forward. He made this call happen, she says "he is desperate for you to know blah blah blah".

HAHAHAAAH this is epic, loving the picture as well :rotfl:

Damn, I meant to add this video with that post, although not identical situation, close enough and sentiment is right on.

https://youtu.be/nIGjiZW7DYI

I find it so liberating.

EdwardB

my-user-name wrote: »

Gallygirl
Ive just googled The Life Changing Magic of Tidying: A Simple, Effective Way To Banish Clutter Forever by Marie Kondo, I wish I had read this before I started clearing out the spare room yesterday lol.Without doubt I will take this further and read all about it,I do feel it could help me.There was a few things I did want to keep for sentimental reasons but then I remembered what memories they were bringing back to me .....so they went into the black bin bag.Its not a case of just clearing out the one room,I have to clear out every room so this read will put me on the right path for sure and if it clears my mind too then that's even better!Thank you so much.

EdwardB
Are you sure your not a councillor in your day job??,if not then your wasting your talent!(another poster also agrees!)
You say that I am much stronger and yes your right.However I am strong because I haven't come face to face with him.Two things could happen,well ok 3 if I'm honest.
I could crumble the second I see his face.
He could end up over the balcony(its ok,he,d survive,its only 2 floors up)
I could hold my head high,tell him to sling his hook and slam the door in his face.
I pray its the third. Only if and when I come face to face will I know how strong this has actually made me and how strong I really am.
As for meeting someone in the future ,erm not sure I really want to.Not because I'm hurt but because I feel I need a long long break and I'm talking in years not months.Single life was fabulous for me years ago and I'm sure it will be now.

caliocat
All my big clothes went a long time ago,the more I lost 3 years ago the more went to the charity shop.However I have kept(and always will) keep the red coat I wore on the first day of joining Slimming World....it was size 24.If I stood up in it the press studs on it stayed closed,if I sat down the press studs would pop open.I think I,ll always keep that coat as a constant reminder never to get to that size ever again.Whenever I'm on a outfit and think I'm fat I put the coat on and it brings me back to my senses.

Supernatural
Your so right,I CAN live without him.This morning I was chucking my many black bin bags out to the communal bin and a neighbour asked me where he was and I simply said"oh hes not here anymore,he left a good few weeks ago" and left it at that.He asked if we had separated and I said a simple yes.He then said "bloody hell what planet is he on?" I just said "oh well ,life goes on I guess"and then we started talking about the noise which was coming from one of the flats last night!!
No tears,no lump in the throat,no nothing,very weird indeed .

DesignNotD...
Those senarios which got you through the bad times are the ones I will have to go through too
"not letting people dictate my grieving period; it's your business and the end of a relationship is like a death so to speak" that one is so true..A few friends who got in touch with me was very blas! about it,it was like "oh forget him and move on" well yes eventually I will do that but 14 years is such a long time to just "move on",only when it happens to them will they understand.
And yes he could be a miserable so and so at times..tight fisted with his money too but when I think about it especially the tight fistedness then I only have myself to blame because I allowed it.Helping with the costs of him living here should of been nipped in the bud right at the very beginning so I'm definatly at fault on that one.
As for New York..........doing my own thing while I was there was fabulous.Yes of course I would of liked him to be with me sharing the experience but as far as he was concerned he said"he couldn't thing of anything worse than looking at Christmas lights" but they were magical!!!
It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I suddenly realised he never did look at my photos or videos of the trip.More fool me for not realisng this at the time.

SO many wise words in replies you have had and wise replies too!

Clearing a room clears your mind in some ways, it is so symbolic, out with the old, fresh start, new look, but also a blank canvas. You can have Ms Envelope over one Saturday for a sleepover, hell you could put it on AirBnB once in a while (for selected clientele only of course).

Eek I have fans! No that is not my job; I am just like everyone else, on a journey, learning as I go and happy to help those I encounter along the way. I am learning in this thread too and even finding that tidying stuff useful.

I did realise a while back that empathy is a core skill I have, never realised it before that but it made sense in a way. It does help that you have been so open, usually with people it is like peeling an onion (it is not what they tell you, it is what they don’t tell you).

I have done a lot of volunteering and got involved in a lot of families who needed help. In a few of those I came across some "control types" and took an amateur interest in psychological definitions because I could see common traits.

I think we all need to feel a sense of control over our own lives and to be unconditionally accepted for who we are. What I sometimes found were people who control others, but in a malevolent way.

I used to wonder whether it was caused by their childhood environment or just biological make up, jury is still out but most the latter and bit of both I think.

Now you say you are stronger and you are SO much stronger but you worry about coming face to face, well I think you will be fine. Look at the situation at the communal bins, no tears just indifference and I think it will be the same. You may want to give him a slap (goodness know he deserves one) but he is not even worth that. A look will suffice; it will be partly disgust and partly a "what did I ever see in you" feeling. Strip away the charm, retract your trust and respect, you then see him for the pathetic wimp he is. It WILL take time and occasionally a memory might surface along with a tear, but that is the healing process.

Trusting someone else IS going to be a way off, almost certainly many months, it is not even on the radar, but what IS on your radar is rebuilding yourself. You are already doing a cracking job starting that, you have had some great advice from others here and you are the kind of person that takes advice; that is a good trait.

About him being tight fisted, it is actually worse than that; I recognised my own attitude when you said you were not going to pay £4 for that cheesecake, that is just not being taken for a fool. I save the pennies so that there are pounds to splash out on once in a while and if I can do that for someone I care about then that gives me a huge buzz.

What HE did was use money as part of his control, by relying on your generosity and then spending on himself, didn't you say he even had you pay for his Sky? I think money is part of why he is bleating now, suddenly he is having to spend and it is not going as far as he is used to.

I think it has been covered that he is not capable of truly sharing, but enough about him because he is in the past, fading away into nothingness.

Keep doing what you are doing!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

my-user-name wrote: »

The other thing is......hes raised his ugly head via a letter I received in dinnertimes post
I didn't realise it was from him because he only writes in calligraphy,this was a normal pen letter.In fact there was a first class stamp on it so he must of been trying to impress me lol

Yet again all that was mentioned was "I didn't cheat on you",he said hes been talking with his step mum and he wants to reasure me that "I have not had a affair,or having a affair,nor will be having an affair with anybody in the future," He said he slept at his real mothers for 20 nights he was there,and has spent the last 5 or 6 night alone in his new home.He then said he dosent know if I have spoken to anyone else recently but he has told his step mum the truth that he has not had a affair.Then he just signed it with his name.

There was no "sorry for hurting you"...no "this is why I left you"....or "these are the reasons why I fell out of love with you" or even "I know Ive hurt you"I honestly think he has forgotten about leaving me weeks ago,it feels as if that's not important to him,what is important is the fact he hasn't had a affair and is determined to make me believe that?????

So the letters here and the only thing I can do is throw it away,I cant put it through his door because I don't know where he lives.I wont be ringing him that's for sure ,I just worry if he thinks I'm ignoring him then he will actually try and see me to make me understand.

Throughout the 14 years we always said we would never cheat on each other and if either of us develop feelings for someone else then we will be honest and say.He knows 100% I would of kicked him to the kerb during the relationship if I ever did find out he was cheating during our relationship so why is he so hell bent on trying to reassure me???

I think I just want to be left in peace,seems I cant get that from him or his step mum

My two penn'orth. Only my opinion, mind, but still...

He was knocking off somebody who he thought would move straight in with him and wait on him hand and foot.

When he finally got the cojones together to run away (and I'm still not convinced that the house even exists and he isn't really living with Mummy), he called said Bit of Stuff and said 'We can be together at last' but, having witnessed him cheat on his long suffering and awesome partner, who wasn't the 25 stone harridan he painted her out to be, but was actually a great lady who had made massive changes in her life and looks great, plus realising that every visit involved cooking for him at every meal, never being offered a cup of tea or breakfast in bed, clearing up his plates, bowls, dirty socks and every other bit of detritus he scattered about, and then mutterings about money being tight so he wouldn't be able to go out for meals, but that would be fine as she'd be cooking, wouldn't she?, said BoS remembered the phrase 'The Man who marries his mistress creates a Vacancy' and thought better of it.


Ex is now in the situation of living back with Mummy/living in a place not good enough/where he actually has to pay the bills/has failed credit checks/been laughed at by Lettings Agents, hasn't managed to secure the live in help + benefits and, moreover, ex partner actually seems to be doing well without him, as she's redecorated, there's a ton of old stuff being dumped outside in the bins, so he's apparently been erased from her life almost instantly.


Crap. He's screwed. She isn't even willing to talk to him when he wants her attention again, largely when he's feeling a bit sorry for himself in his dirty, unironed clothes and there's no takeaway open.

He's feeling rejected and bumps into an old neighbour, who is at the very least, a little frosty towards him, so he lets rip. That'll get her calling.

But she doesn't.

He's having second thoughts now, if he could just get her to talk to him again, he's pretty sure he could say she's put on a couple of pounds, she made him feel bad about something, But she mustn't know the real reason he went. So he gets Mummy to phone to plead his case, because he's told her that she was impossible to live with because of her jealousy and it wasn't his fault he had to take a couple of weeks away from her, all that needs to happen is to get her to listen because He Knows She Still Loves Him and will take him back in a heartbeat, as long as somebody talks to her - and Mummy gets an earful. How to persuade her? A letter? She won't read it if she recognises the handwriting. Disguise it, lie about who it's from, so she has to read the story. He'll call to check she received it in a couple of days. Give it few weeks and he'll be back being waited on hand and foot, but she'll pay for SKY as his funds will be low after the whole episode, not that it will ever be mentioned again, as that would be 'dragging up the past'.



My advice to you: that letter never happened. It doesn't exist, anymore than he does.

my-user-name

EdwardB wrote: »

SO many wise words in replies you have had and wise replies too!

Clearing a room clears your mind in some ways, it is so symbolic, out with the old, fresh start, new look, but also a blank canvas. You can have Ms Envelope over one Saturday for a sleepover, hell you could put it on AirBnB once in a while (for selected clientele only of course).

Eek I have fans! No that is not my job; I am just like everyone else, on a journey, learning as I go and happy to help those I encounter along the way. I am learning in this thread too and even finding that tidying stuff useful.

I did realise a while back that empathy is a core skill I have, never realised it before that but it made sense in a way. It does help that you have been so open, usually with people it is like peeling an onion (it is not what they tell you, it is what they don’t tell you).

I have done a lot of volunteering and got involved in a lot of families who needed help. In a few of those I came across some "control types" and took an amateur interest in psychological definitions because I could see common traits.

I think we all need to feel a sense of control over our own lives and to be unconditionally accepted for who we are. What I sometimes found were people who control others, but in a malevolent way.

I used to wonder whether it was caused by their childhood environment or just biological make up, jury is still out but most the latter and bit of both I think.

Now you say you are stronger and you are SO much stronger but you worry about coming face to face, well I think you will be fine. Look at the situation at the communal bins, no tears just indifference and I think it will be the same. You may want to give him a slap (goodness know he deserves one) but he is not even worth that. A look will suffice; it will be partly disgust and partly a "what did I ever see in you" feeling. Strip away the charm, retract your trust and respect, you then see him for the pathetic wimp he is. It WILL take time and occasionally a memory might surface along with a tear, but that is the healing process.

Trusting someone else IS going to be a way off, almost certainly many months, it is not even on the radar, but what IS on your radar is rebuilding yourself. You are already doing a cracking job starting that, you have had some great advice from others here and you are the kind of person that takes advice; that is a good trait.

About him being tight fisted, it is actually worse than that; I recognised my own attitude when you said you were not going to pay £4 for that cheesecake, that is just not being taken for a fool. I save the pennies so that there are pounds to splash out on once in a while and if I can do that for someone I care about then that gives me a huge buzz.

What HE did was use money as part of his control, by relying on your generosity and then spending on himself, didn't you say he even had you pay for his Sky? I think money is part of why he is bleating now, suddenly he is having to spend and it is not going as far as he is used to.

I think it has been covered that he is not capable of truly sharing, but enough about him because he is in the past, fading away into nothingness.

Keep doing what you are doing!

You do realise I will be tucked up in bed tonight with that bloody song swimming in my head lol(roared laughing when I realised which song it was)lol
You know Edward its clear to me and to many other posters that you have something special in your words,you kind of understand not only my words but others too,you see things for what they are and that's a good thing to have but you come across as very understanding too,you also suss out my ex,s intentions.and put it in a way I can actually sit back and think "why didn't I think of that".
I also think the advice all the other posters have written has been a Godsend to me,thyeve taught me it ok to cry,its ok to have anger,its definatly ok to feel like its a death and I can honestly say I have listened to everyones words,its because of this I can say right at this very minute.......I feel ok .Feeling ok is a thing which I never expected so soon(I just hope I'm not kidding myself) but I don't think I am.
Did I say Ive managed to donate 8 bin bags full of Christmas decs to a old man where I live?? he loves Christmas just as much as I do,more in fact if that's possible! I would of been heartbroken if they had gone into the bin but now this poor soul has 8 bin bags stuffed in his spare room.I left him untangling 2 massive sets of Christmas lights and he was in his element lol
You mentioned the Sky TV thing.....once a month he put £90 into my account and that was towards my Sky account,however my bill per month was between £110 and £117 so he didn't really cover it.For Christmas I took out BT Sports as one of his Christmas presents,Im stuck with that for a year because it would cost me more to break the contract.The Sky Sports is now cancelled and my bill has gone down to 50 odd pounds so that helps

.But the not sharing with me always bugged me if I'm honest .Whenever I went out shopping or go into town I would always bring him something back,it might be a cake or something small like that,I would never get that from him.The only way I can say it is it wasn't the fact that I wanted him to buy me something,it was the fact if he did it would mean he was thinking of me even though I wasn't there,does that make sense??even if it was a flake or a mars bar,just something which would show me he had been thinking of me,I don't mean all of the time...just sometimes.But its too late to start wondering why he never brought me anything when he was out.

That AirBnB sounds good! I was considering it when I went to New York at Christmas because it would of been much cheaper for me but I bottled it when I saw the documentary they had on tv,I only live a 10 min walk from a major city centre so I guess its worth thinking about in the future.

Your right about trusting is a long way away,I know only too well that not all men are like him but before anything like that ever happens I have to learn myself not to be so daft with any future man who comes into my life.
I have a friend (male) who came to see me the other evening,hes our local councillor(housing) and he came to my home a good few times while I was with the x,it was mainly residents talk and he always came when he needed around 500 leaflets going through doors when election time come around.
Anyway he called around the other night and it was strange him being there on my own with him.He was shocked and surprised when I told him what had happened but instead of talking residents association stuff we ended up talking about relationships and what men want and what women expect,it was interesting stuff.
Now this man is a very big man,at least 6 ft 3 and just as wide,hes like a huge teddy bear lol as he was leaving he just said "I think you need a hug" that hug felt amazing.It was like a massive 50 tog quilt cover had been wrapped around me,just for those few seconds I felt safe and protected.There was definatly nothing sexual about the hug that I can say 100% but he felt I needed one and I did.It kind of made me feel "safe" if only for a few seconds.
(where the hell did that come from??I'm going off in all directions tonight) lol
I think tomorrow will be the day I finally come out to my workmates,something tells me tomorrow will be the day.
I think I will be ok:T

my-user-name

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

My two penn'orth. Only my opinion, mind, but still...

He was knocking off somebody who he thought would move straight in with him and wait on him hand and foot.

When he finally got the cojones together to run away (and I'm still not convinced that the house even exists and he isn't really living with Mummy), he called said Bit of Stuff and said 'We can be together at last' but, having witnessed him cheat on his long suffering and awesome partner, who wasn't the 25 stone harridan he painted her out to be, but was actually a great lady who had made massive changes in her life and looks great, plus realising that every visit involved cooking for him at every meal, never being offered a cup of tea or breakfast in bed, clearing up his plates, bowls, dirty socks and every other bit of detritus he scattered about, and then mutterings about money being tight so he wouldn't be able to go out for meals, but that would be fine as she'd be cooking, wouldn't she?, said BoS remembered the phrase 'The Man who marries his mistress creates a Vacancy' and thought better of it.


Ex is now in the situation of living back with Mummy/living in a place not good enough/where he actually has to pay the bills/has failed credit checks/been laughed at by Lettings Agents, hasn't managed to secure the live in help + benefits and, moreover, ex partner actually seems to be doing well without him, as she's redecorated, there's a ton of old stuff being dumped outside in the bins, so he's apparently been erased from her life almost instantly.


Crap. He's screwed. She isn't even willing to talk to him when he wants her attention again, largely when he's feeling a bit sorry for himself in his dirty, unironed clothes and there's no takeaway open.

He's feeling rejected and bumps into an old neighbour, who is at the very least, a little frosty towards him, so he lets rip. That'll get her calling.

But she doesn't.

He's having second thoughts now, if he could just get her to talk to him again, he's pretty sure he could say she's put on a couple of pounds, she made him feel bad about something, But she mustn't know the real reason he went. So he gets Mummy to phone to plead his case, because he's told her that she was impossible to live with because of her jealousy and it wasn't his fault he had to take a couple of weeks away from her, all that needs to happen is to get her to listen because He Knows She Still Loves Him and will take him back in a heartbeat, as long as somebody talks to her - and Mummy gets an earful. How to persuade her? A letter? She won't read it if she recognises the handwriting. Disguise it, lie about who it's from, so she has to read the story. He'll call to check she received it in a couple of days. Give it few weeks and he'll be back being waited on hand and foot, but she'll pay for SKY as his funds will be low after the whole episode, not that it will ever be mentioned again, as that would be 'dragging up the past'.



My advice to you: that letter never happened. It doesn't exist, anymore than he does.

WOW JOJO WHERE THE HECK DID THAT COME FROM !! LOL
I'M GOING TO NAIL MY DOOR UP RIGHT NOW JUST IN CASE HE DOES COME KNOCKING LOL

I guess about a fortnight ago reading your words would of worried me and your words would be convincing me you could be right and maybe there was defiantly a woman in the background,now 2 weeks later it really is a case of "whatever",never in a million years did I ever think a "whatever" would be my answer,weird isn't it.?

If he did have a woman in the background well more fool her,however it wouldn't of taken her 14 years to realise wjat kind of person he really is deep down.

God your words were quick,theyve given me a migrane lol

calicocat

Feeling ok is great at this point in the healing, it is after all only a really short while in the big picture. Well done you, I'm not sure I would have done so well so quickly after 14 yrs. So my hat is off at you for sure lady.

I don't think you are kidding yourself, you may have the odd day when you don't feel so ok, you wouldn't be human if you didn't.

At first I had this horrid anxiety most of the time and couldn't sleep, that has gone , not sure when to be honest, I just know it isn't there anymore . It may come back for a while, it might not, I'll just have to run with it if it does. At least I know it doesn't last for ever.

I am finding the positives in things at the moment, watch what I want on to, when I want, no ruddy snoring , the cat is back on the bed with me ( she loved it when he wasn't here so she had her bit of the bed). Eat as and when and what I want, I don't have to listen to him droning on about his work to have the subject changed if I meantioned mine.

The never buying little things to make you feel thought of massively resonates with me. I had this too, admittedly I like to shop and he would rarely be in them, but like you, I was always getting stuff for him, never really got the thought in return .

Sometimes he would be at mine and say do we have any chocolate ? , or, there aren't any biscuits...........I would sit there thinking what a ruddy nerve, you want chocolate bring some in with you you moron.


So one of the main positives.............is no more disappointment. Living month in and out with disappointment is not good.

Mr. Teddy bear sounds like a lovely bloke, bless him.

Good luck with the coming out at work, I'm sure all will be fine.

I wasn't going to mention this as this is your thread, but have decided to in case it helps any of your thought processes/feelings along the way.

My idiot has been in touch demanding I meet him and refusing to sort any remaining stuff by email. I have blanked his calls but did reply to an email saying I was not prepared to converse with him. At some point I may have to as there are a couple of financial things that do need to be sorted, but if I do, it will be on my terms, and when I want to , and if I want to. Non of it is connected to my home thank god, and the world won't stop spinning if I don't sort it out, it will actually be his problem to be honest. I'm not really bothered either way. I need to have a consistent period of time feeling completely indifferent towards him before I do that....IF I do that, and believe me, that is happening way quicker than I thought like you. You will feel indifferent soon, when that happens you won't care if you see him when out or hear his voice in a coffee shop, or hear anything about him via others.

Like you I may be kidding myself, but a part of me thinks that if I bumped into him I would not be upset, but thinking what an idiot, who's going to be impressed by you, what on earth was I thinking,. Actually I never liked his hands for some reason. .

Again , good luck at work, not that you need luck at all.

EdwardB

my-user-name wrote: »

You do realise I will be tucked up in bed tonight with that bloody song swimming in my head lol(roared laughing when I realised which song it was)lol

It will make you stronger!! I am now imagining you singing that with all the power she has and neighbours thinking WTH and then joining in!!

my-user-name wrote: »

You know Edward its clear to me and to many other posters that you have something special in your words,you kind of understand not only my words but others too,you see things for what they are and that's a good thing to have but you come across as very understanding too,you also suss out my ex,s intentions.and put it in a way I can actually sit back and think "why didn't I think of that".
I also think the advice all the other posters have written has been a Godsend to me,thyeve taught me it ok to cry,its ok to have anger,its definatly ok to feel like its a death and I can honestly say I have listened to everyones words,its because of this I can say right at this very minute.......I feel ok .Feeling ok is a thing which I never expected so soon(I just hope I'm not kidding myself) but I don't think I am.

What can I say to that except it is a joint effort between all of the others here and also yourself.

I think it is your inner strength, your openness and your (what I will call ) innocence of character, that has enabled you to do SO well in such a short time.

Let me explain what I mean when I say innocence of character; I think you were dearly loved and cherished by both your parents so you were a just a happy unsuspecting soul. I suspect that up to 2003 when "the drip" came into your life you had not been profoundly hurt in a relationship, or maybe you did not care so deeply for anyone else up to that point.

So the drip was able to hurt you profoundly because you had no inner guard from previous people who mistreated you. However, you still had all that parental warmth there and with a little support you were able to remind yourself that you were who you were before he came into your life and started leeching.

I may not have all of the drips intentions right, I doubt we will ever know, I actually try to think well of people as a rule, but I have male friends and colleagues who do seem to have different attitudes to me, which I explore. Also some of the people I have come across in my volunteering.

When I went to relate years ago they did the whole inner child thing, so I always felt adults were the result of their environment and I think they are to some extent. Then I started coming across these characters, I read that something like 80% of people in prison have Antisocial Personality Disorder. I read about Narcissists and sociopaths. I also looked at borderline personality disorder and some of the conditions that are more like disabilities.

I am by no means any kind of expert, but you described traits and I recognised a few of them.

The more malevolent disorders seem to come with ability to be charming or to manipulate in the way politicians do for self preservation, others display a sort of lost child hurt when you do not believe them, but then shrug their shoulders and carry on as if they had not just been caught in a lie or unacceptable act.

Anyway, what thrills me is making a difference, albeit in a small way, remember your newfound strength is mostly you, seeing things for what they are.

Every day in every way you are getting better and better, stronger and stronger, his influence is all but nil, his power over you is nil, he can't engage you and you are wise to his attempts to use 3rd parties.

He is nothing now, so insignificant.

my-user-name wrote: »

Did I say Ive managed to donate 8 bin bags full of Christmas decs to a old man where I live?? he loves Christmas just as much as I do,more in fact if that's possible! I would of been heartbroken if they had gone into the bin but now this poor soul has 8 bin bags stuffed in his spare room.I left him untangling 2 massive sets of Christmas lights and he was in his element lol

That is lovely, you see, you are making a difference in his life! I do get why it is hard to to bin things sometimes, I am guilty of it myself. Does it represent something, might you need it again, might you be able to help a friend who might need it and is this all that I am, these possessions. One thing that has helped is freecycle, I find with enough patience I can find things I need and I can trade up and freecycle the original item back. I also like gifting things that meant something to me, but not as much as when it is for someone I know.

my-user-name wrote: »

You mentioned the Sky TV thing.....once a month he put £90 into my account and that was towards my Sky account,however my bill per month was between £110 and £117 so he didn't really cover it.For Christmas I took out BT Sports as one of his Christmas presents,Im stuck with that for a year because it would cost me more to break the contract.The Sky Sports is now cancelled and my bill has gone down to 50 odd pounds so that helps

Wow that is a great saving, remember to assign it to your personal “treat myself fund”! I am so glad I got out of Sky and all that goes with it, I will not bore you with details but I have saved over £8k.

my-user-name wrote: »

But the not sharing with me always bugged me if I'm honest .Whenever I went out shopping or go into town I would always bring him something back,it might be a cake or something small like that,I would never get that from him.The only way I can say it is it wasn't the fact that I wanted him to buy me something,it was the fact if he did it would mean he was thinking of me even though I wasn't there,does that make sense??even if it was a flake or a mars bar,just something which would show me he had been thinking of me,I don't mean all of the time...just sometimes.But its too late to start wondering why he never brought me anything when he was out.

You see that is your giving nature again and he was a SUIB (Selfish, Ungrateful Inconsiderate B@$&2£)

We all have self-preservation, but what you have described is someone who is incapable of sharing, gives only when it benefits himself and simply does not truly care deeply about anyone but himself.

my-user-name wrote: »

That AirBnB sounds good! I was considering it when I went to New York at Christmas because it would of been much cheaper for me but I bottled it when I saw the documentary they had on tv,I only live a 10 min walk from a major city centre so I guess its worth thinking about in the future.

I think it is great if you are there in the property and in your position you would need to vett guests, but I would never let your home while away, too many horror stories and lousy insurance on AirBnB, Still worth it from time to time for the right people.

my-user-name wrote: »

Your right about trusting is a long way away,I know only too well that not all men are like him but before anything like that ever happens I have to learn myself not to be so daft with any future man who comes into my life.

So it should be, right now it is all about discovering YOUR NEEDS and pampering your body and soul. I do not think any of us start out knowing what we want or need, but we soon learn what we don't want from the way people treat us on our journey. You will find as the months pass you will enjoy your own company and making special times happen with friends. You have given a lot because it is your nature, but it is time to make room for YOU; for your needs. Then if and when someone measures up you will be able to maintain those as well as be the giving person you are to your partner, but they have to be a giver too.

my-user-name wrote: »

I have a friend (male) who came to see me the other evening,hes our local councillor(housing) and he came to my home a good few times while I was with the x,it was mainly residents talk and he always came when he needed around 500 leaflets going through doors when election time come around.
Anyway he called around the other night and it was strange him being there on my own with him.He was shocked and surprised when I told him what had happened but instead of talking residents association stuff we ended up talking about relationships and what men want and what women expect,it was interesting stuff.
Now this man is a very big man,at least 6 ft 3 and just as wide,hes like a huge teddy bear lol as he was leaving he just said "I think you need a hug" that hug felt amazing.It was like a massive 50 tog quilt cover had been wrapped around me,just for those few seconds I felt safe and protected.There was definatly nothing sexual about the hug that I can say 100% but he felt I needed one and I did.It kind of made me feel "safe" if only for a few seconds.
(where the hell did that come from??I'm going off in all directions tonight) lol

We are born helpless and vulnerable, we crave being swaddled as it resembles the womb. Our parents take care of us and make us feel safe; they hold us and hug us. Over time we become independent, but that defenceless child is always there. It is their anxiety that leads to our anxiety. Now we can do all the mindfulness and great things but nothing beats a hug in a time of needing to feel safe. You are smart for recognising it!!

my-user-name wrote: »

I think tomorrow will be the day I finally come out to my workmates,something tells me tomorrow will be the day.
I think I will be ok

I am sure you will be fine, more than fine!

my-user-name

Morning calicocat and Edward,Ive just jumped on before I get ready for work so can only be here for a min but will come home tonight and reply to both of you.Just a quickie here......
The girls now know..........2 lumps in the throat and watery eyes for just a few secs
His REAL mum(not step mum this time)left message on answerphone,will totally and utterly ignore it,good Lord I will
I had the most restful sleep EVER last night!
Wish I could throw in a sickie

EdwardB

G'day

Well done, is out now and only way is up. 2 lumps and waterery eyes is way better than you were expecting just a few weeks ago!

Gosh do these people ever get the message, what does she think she can add to the situation!

This is why even if you do not do the cease and decist to her you still need to create a boundary, probably a call but an email or letter if you think more appropriate, this is the content you want to get over:

"Dear ex-mummy

I know you might think you mean well, but I really don't think we can remain in contact, I would be grateful if you did not contact me again, by any means.

No I do not want to discuss the matter, I have made my decision, please respect it.

Goodbye."

Do not get drawn into discussing it; just picks at a healing scab.

No Engagement with him, his mums or any of his close friends.

I am astonished that they keep coming back when the message must have got back to her that you are not interested.

Simple fact is her loyalty has to be to her son, if it wasn't it would be wrong. #ConflictOfInterest

They will be condescending and try to put his problems at your door. You are SO past that.

Have a great day.