Am I being too selfish?

globetraveller

So much discussion and no idea if the country you are emigrating to is your home country? What's so bad about the country you can't name it? I am wondering as the ideal time to move was when your children were young. So education there isnt as good as here?You said there was a good chance you would be accepted because of your job which means entry is far from automatic. You will all be treated as individuals in terms of acceptance . Even if you all get entry they will have their own lives and it may not involve staying close to you.
Is your married life as bad as it seems? You seem to be happy to stay with him if he moves. So is your reaction now because it has just happened?
Start the trial separation now . If yoy are choosing a country first then there is no real point in being together. Also it wI'll help you focus on what you actually want.
A lot of answers here are ones you want to hear. To be honest I question how committed you were when discussing the move. Lots of couples have pipe dreams but actually do nothing. If you were so easily persuaded that the time wasn't right at various points I do wonder if your OH thought you were just another with a dream. So what is so bad about that country that you couldn't have moved at a more ideal time? We only hear one side of the story. If your husband wrote here asking for advice what would hid version be?

Ames

The OP has named the country - it's Canada.

FBaby

I'm confused now. You were so adamant you wanted to moveto Canada 30 years ago you wouldn't have gone on a 2nd date with your OH if he had expressed his reservation but now you are saying if Canada is not the place york you'll consider Australia? So really it isn't about the country you feel in love with and being with your family but about escaping this country. How can that be a plan especially when you would be relying on your husband's ability to start his business again?

I'm wondering whether the issue is that from your husband's perspective it's never gone further than a dream that is indeed based on thinking life is bound to be better elsewhere.

Saying all this I'm with you as OH and I are too building or future abroad and he wants it even more than me but we both know there is a big difference between plans and reality. Anything could happen with family or health that meant our priorities could change at anytime.

dirty_magic

You obviously want to go and I don't think anyone here is going to change your mind even if they tell you you're selfish and you shouldn't go. I think you're looking for validation tbh.

I know you're saying your OH lied to you and he should have told you, but none of that can be changed now. You have to decide whether he is more important to you than emigrating, and it doesn't sound like he is. If neither of you is willing to budge then your only option is to leave.

My OH would love to emigrate, but I can't do it because I'm an only child, and I think it would be too stressful living abroad when my parents are old knowing there is no one else to support them.

You say your OHs parents would visit, but what about when they're too old to visit? What if one of them is ill and your OH is thousands of miles away? That is why I won't do it, so I can see why your OH has reservations.

Why don't you apply for the visas and see if you get in for a start? You don't say how many children you have, but assuming you have two it would cost about £500 to start the process, so I think it would be worth spending if it helps you come to a decision. If you get rejected and Canada is really your dream then it's pretty much case closed. If it's Canada that really pulls you in I don't understand why you're looking elsewhere if you don't get in.

moneyistooshorttomention

If the OH concerned is mentioning having elderly parents - it does rather sound as if he'd got them lined-up mentally as his next excuse for not fulfilling his promise to OP. But I guess he chickened out at trying to pull yet another excuse in his long line of excuses and wasnt able to keep up the pretence any longer.

Though I guess there is the chance he has one or more siblings anyway - so they would still be "available" if need be. If they've already moved some distance away - then he shouldnt be "prevented" from moving because of the fact they've already moved (as he is just as entitled as they are to decide on a move and the fact they "got in first" shouldnt make any difference).

fab_and_frugal

Thanks everyone. Just to clarify, it was my children who suggested we look elsewhere if Canada refuse our (potential) application as they don't want to stay in the UK with everything that's looming, it's not something I have been thinking about myself but I do agree with them that it is something that should be considered, but we've not done it yet as our minds were focussed on Canada.

Thanks to those asking why I didn't just go earlier in my life, I guess with hindsight that seems a reasonable option but when you have a young family and a husband who seems to be working towards the same thing you are it isn't easy to say "right I'm off now, see ya" if things aren't happening quickly enough.

Thanks dirty_magic, I too am an only child with parents and grandparents all gone now too. I am very fond of my OH's parents, who incidentally had the opportunity to emigrate to Canada about 40 years ago but changed their minds at the last minute and - FIL in particular - have regretted it since. They are keen to come with us visas permitting, and have another son in the States that they would see much more often if they were there too.

xx

Jackieboy

cjdavies wrote: »

Are you blind? Did you even read the original post?

Despite the OP saying that she's always wanted to move to Canada, it now seems to be that she'd be just as happy to move to Australia, leaving her husband behind in either case, because he wants to stay in the UK.

Why would Australia (without her husband) be her second choice if she can't get into her dream country rather than keeping her family together and staying in the UK?

It seems to me that she's set on emigrating anywhere if she can't fulfil her long held dream of Canada, even knowing that her husband won't leave with her.

fab_and_frugal

Jackieboy -

fab_and_frugal wrote: »

Thanks everyone. Just to clarify, it was my children who suggested we look elsewhere if Canada refuse our (potential) application as they don't want to stay in the UK with everything that's looming, it's not something I have been thinking about myself but I do agree with them that it is something that should be considered, but we've not done it yet as our minds were focussed on Canada.

and just so you understand, this was BEFORE my OH's revelation that he has been misleading this whole time - nothing has been discussed since he has made it clear he's staying in the UK whatever happens.
You seem to have taken my posts to mean I hate my husband and would rather be anywhere without him than with him in the UK - that is absolutely NOT the case and if it was I wouldn't have bothered writing the original post in the first place. I didn't mention Australia, my son did. I told everyone to illustrate how badly we want to emigrate and that it's not just that if Canada say no we stay put.
No I don't like the UK, apologies to those of you who love it here and consider it your home but I think it is a Tory-run mess and will be for the next couple of decades at least, that is becoming more far right with each day that passes and economically is run by a bunch of folk I wouldn't leave in charge of the school tuck shop never mind a whole economy. It's been happening for decades and has gone well past the point of no return. And it rains. A LOT. And the NHS is failing rapidly, and things are getting worse which will impact hugely on the lives of my young adult children and their future children. So yeah, the ONLY thing that is keeping me here in the UK is my husband, so how is that me saying that he is so awful I'd go anywhere rather than be with him?

Jackieboy

fab_and_frugal wrote: »

Jackieboy -

and just so you understand, this was BEFORE my OH's revelation that he has been misleading this whole time - nothing has been discussed since he has made it clear he's staying in the UK whatever happens.
You seem to have taken my posts to mean I hate my husband and would rather be anywhere without him than with him in the UK - that is absolutely NOT the case and if it was I wouldn't have bothered writing the original post in the first place. I didn't mention Australia, my son did. I told everyone to illustrate how badly we want to emigrate and that it's not just that if Canada say no we stay put.
No I don't like the UK, apologies to those of you who love it here and consider it your home but I think it is a Tory-run mess and will be for the next couple of decades at least, that is becoming more far right with each day that passes and economically is run by a bunch of folk I wouldn't leave in charge of the school tuck shop never mind a whole economy. It's been happening for decades and has gone well past the point of no return. And it rains. A LOT. And the NHS is failing rapidly, and things are getting worse which will impact hugely on the lives of my young adult children and their future children. So yeah, the ONLY thing that is keeping me here in the UK is my husband, so how is that me saying that he is so awful I'd go anywhere rather than be with him?

Thank you for explaining and apologies if I overstated the point.:)

However, your post does make it clear that you're desperate to emigrate anywhere, which makes your situation very different from your earlier posts where it was Canada itself that was your lifelong dream.

I hope you manage to sort it out.

happyandcontented

I do think it is easier to cut ties with a country if you haven't got elderly relatives in the mix. I could never have done it as my parents were in their late thirties when I was born so by the time my family was complete they had needed keeping an eye on for a while. It would have destroyed them not tot have their grandchildren in the same country, and I couldn't have settled and been happy so far away from them.

Maybe your husband feels this way? I know you have said they can visit, even move etc, but things change, people age and die and plans may not materialise as you envisage for them. You are asking him to do a hard thing from that perspective alone. Factor in his business committments and again, there are issues arising.