Am I being too selfish?

fab_and_frugal

Thanks everyone. I appreciate all the comments and advice.

mai_taylor - I do absolutely appreciate what a huge thing I am asking of OH, but it's hardly like I sprung it on him when I've been talking about it and planning since we got together over 30 years ago and he's gone along with it all only to tell me now that it's not happening. I was completely devastated when he told me, and after days of discussion he's made it clear that he's not going, regardless of what the kids and I do. What really "tears my heart" as you put it is the realisation that he has been stringing me along for two thirds of my life.

Moneyistootighttomention - I do think that's what's happened, he has "assumed" I would get it out of my system somehow and then he wouldn't have to actually do anything.

Jackieboy - I remember telling him on our first date that I was going to emigrate as soon as I was able, we were 16 and still at school so obviously I wasn't in a position to do it straight away. He always went along with it, though put temporary delays in place that I believed were to increase our chances/lifestyle/bank balance etc before we went, I went along with them because I love him and trusted him and believed that he was telling me the truth and wanted us to have the best chance of succeeding.


I'm completely shattered by the whole thing. I thought we were entering a whole new exciting phase of our lives that we've talked about literally for decades but now find that my world is spinning and I have no idea what my future holds - how can we plan together and dream for our future goals when I can't trust that he's being honest with me and might just be saying anything to get me to shut up only for it to all crumble again when it's crunch time?

xx

Spendless

How much have you researched your feasibility of being able to emigrate there? DH has Aunts in Toronto. Back in the 70s they were able to go by just finding a job there. That isn't the case now. You've touched on this I know earlier by saying you've taken a certain career path because of it. What about your adult children? Would they qualify to come with you. Personally I'd be doing a lot of looking into how likely it is for you to be able to go, before going ahead with a decision of whether to or not.

fab_and_frugal

Thanks Spendless. On paper we have a very good chance as a family but as I said already, it's something we won't know for sure (nobody can) until we actually apply and get into the pool. However based on skills, experience, jobs (current and future re my kids' qualifications) we are certainly in with a very good chance of being accepted. No guarantees in life however, and I might have mentioned before that the kids have suggested we look into alternatives - Australia maybe - in case we don't get accepted to Canada. So while Canada is very much first choice, if we don't get our visas for there, emigration wouldn't necessarily be forgotten about.
xx

Marvel1

You only have one life, so enjoy it.

Marvel1

mai_taylor wrote: »

I don't think you realize what a huge thing you are asking of your husband, you've made a life here for 30 years, can't you understand why he wouldn't want to leave that? It's fair enough discussing pipe dreams but as time passed maybe he thought you were content to still be living here after all if you really wanted to move that much you wouldn't still be here would you? I think there's got to be serious problems in your marriage if you are considering this, I couldn't care less where I live as long as I live with my husband, if the though of living 1000's of miles away from him doesn't tear your heart out then that's your answer.

Why didn't the husband open his mouth before instead of excuses over the years?

Jackieboy

fab_and_frugal wrote: »

Thanks Spendless. On paper we have a very good chance as a family but as I said already, it's something we won't know for sure (nobody can) until we actually apply and get into the pool. However based on skills, experience, jobs (current and future re my kids' qualifications) we are certainly in with a very good chance of being accepted. No guarantees in life however, and I might have mentioned before that the kids have suggested we look into alternatives - Australia maybe - in case we don't get accepted to Canada. So while Canada is very much first choice, if we don't get our visas for there, emigration wouldn't necessarily be forgotten about.
xx

It sounds as if you're all prepared to go to the ends of the earth to get away from your husband/their father - is he really that awful?

fab_and_frugal

Jackieboy - no, he's not...we thought he would be coming too...

Person_one

Jackieboy wrote: »

It sounds as if you're all prepared to go to the ends of the earth to get away from your husband/their father - is he really that awful?

Are you reading the same thread? She wants him to go with her! Its him that is happy to see her and their children leave.

Marvel1

Jackieboy wrote: »

It sounds as if you're all prepared to go to the ends of the earth to get away from your husband/their father - is he really that awful?

Are you blind? Did you even read the original post?

moneyistooshorttomention

It is very much a form of betrayal that OP has had here from her husband. No-one can say she was anything other than totally open with him right from the start - ie telling him literally on the first date of her plans. You can't possibly be more open than that with someone.

I'm thinking now of another form of betrayal that happens sometimes in marriages - ie of a woman deciding to have children at the outset (that "assumption" again) and then marrying a man who hasnt also made that same decision/"assumption" and going ahead and having children without him having his 50% share of involvement in that decision. I guess there are some marriages that can survive the man suffering such a major betrayal as being made a father against his will - and he stays with her despite that. There may even be some men that would stay for the rest of their lives despite that.

But I'd be willing to bet that that is a large contributory factor to those divorces that happen as soon as those children have grown up. The man has stuck around just long enough for them to grow up - as he figures it wasnt their fault his wife did that to him. But then they "leave the nest" - and so does he....

If OP gives up her dream and stays put here with him - then she will understand from personal experience how those unwilling fathers felt - and may end up leaving him anyway at some point (I'd guess the start of retirement being a likely one in this case).

Better to get it sorted out now imo - by going off for that "trial period" of living there (ie regarding it as a trial period in her own mind too) and see if he loves her enough to join her after all (as he promised all along). Chances are it will work out that she stays in Canada and it's his call as to whether he joins her or HE decides to walk out of the marriage (ie by staying put in Britain).