Am I being too selfish?

lush_walrus

It's a really tricky one, personally I wouldn't go as people are more important to me than place. I also think it's easy to get rose tinted glasses about another place, I can't tell you how many places in and out of the UK we have been to and come away saying I could really live there!

Reality to me is wherever you go the day is still 24hrs, unless you are able to change lifestyle as a result of the move ie you become a lady of leisure all the things from a day here still need to be done - you still have to go to work for most of the day, you still have to eat and clean up, still need to maintain a home, shop, deal with utility companies, bank, sort out mini dramas, sleep etc

So to me the majority of life stays the same, the minority of the day is the part that could change, is it so different and wonderful that it's worth splitting your family? Could another solution be taking a sabbatical for 6 months and go as a family for a long break? Rent your house out so you still have a base. It wouldn't give you a proper experience but it might give you a lovely break from reality for you all. Maybe it will help with your relationship.

From your husbands side, you are suggesting leaving his family who I would imagine if including parents would be getting older. You are suggesting leaving a safety net of a place he knows and maybe loves. You are now potentially forcing his hand by grouping your children into also making the change. He is suggesting staying as you are, which would also keep both of you and your children in the same country.

Personally, I couldn't do it especially if it is Canada or Oz or somewhere so far as it sounds. I couldn't split my children like that into being with one or other of us. And I couldn't really bare forcing my husband to follow my lead or be isolated from his own children. If it were France where it's cheap and quick to get to and from I could as then my children could see us both every month without a strain. Really thinking about how your family are there and you here and how that feels could you do or inflict that onto your children? That's the question I would want to consider most.

Jackieboy

peachyprice wrote: »

My dad felt like you, he desparately wanted to go back to Australia. They went when they were first married, my brother was born there then my mum came back when she was pregnant with me because she hated it so much, he stayed on an extra year to see out his work contract.

My dad then spent the next 40 years wearing my mum down, pestering her to go back and give it another try, finding more excuses as to why it would work as they got older.

They eventually went around 10 years ago because my mum had had enough of my dad going on and on. The minute she stepped of the plane she knew she'd made a mistake. They stayed for 7 years, built a house, my brother went too. It all got to much for my mum, she hated it so much. In the end she told my dad she was coming home, and he could chose to come to or stay there. He did come home with her and while my mum is happy and settled here he would still go back in a heartbeat. They go every year for a month, my mum is waiting for the day when the flight is to much for them, while they're they she spends 3 out of the 4 weeks waiting to come home.

If you ask my mum what she hated she will say it's the people in your life that make you happy, not the places.

Given that your mum got her own way eventually, it doesn't really sound as if she's particularly grateful or willing to compromise. Perhaps it was just the way you described it?

Mojisola

peachyprice wrote: »

They go every year for a month, my mum is waiting for the day when the flight is to much for them, while they're they she spends 3 out of the 4 weeks waiting to come home.

Why doesn't she just stay at home if she hates it so much?

Your Dad would probably enjoy the trip more on his own and he could use the money saved on her ticket to stay for a bit longer or to have two trips a year.

Fireflyaway

Are you really willing to say goodbye to 30 years of marriage because you can't agree where to live? How would that impact your family? What if once you get there its not all you hoped for? Think about old age too. If you become sick or one of you dies would you still want to be there?
Could you not compromise? Get a holiday home and spend half the time here and half abroad in a country you both like?
I do think moving abroad is sometimes overrated. Once you are there, one office is much like another. There are still bills to pay and cleaning / shopping to be done. Its not all one big holiday.
If this were me I would be careful. You might make the wrong decision and not be able to go back on it.

trailingspouse

The OPs original post didn't ask whether moving abroad was a good idea or not. She asked whether she was being selfish.

Emphatically, no, you are not being selfish OP. You have been honest and upfront about wanting to do this, your OH (for whatever reason) has known all the time that he didn't want to do it and yet he has strung you along pretending that he wants to do it really, it's just not the right time etc etc. To me that shows a degree of contempt for your life and your hopes and dreams - I would struggle to move forward with a man who could do this.

Now that he has no more excuses for not doing it, and it looks like it might really happen, he decides to 'fess up. He just says he doesn't want to and expects you to be OK with that. You have a choice - follow your dream, or stay with a man who cares not one jot about your dream. I know what I would do.

So, in my opinion, you go girl! Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't - but you know that. And the only way you will find out is to do it. If you don't go, you will always always regret it.

Mojisola

fab_and_frugal wrote: »

OH and I have been together for over 30 years, since we were at school. Married for most of that time, kids grown up and all at university.

Since forever we have talked about emigrating as a family, it's something I have always wanted to do since I was a child and OH agreed but would put time barriers on it ... when we were married, when we had kids, when the kids were older, when the kids left uni...

trailingspouse wrote: »

The OPs original post didn't ask whether moving abroad was a good idea or not. She asked whether she was being selfish.

Emphatically, no, you are not being selfish OP. You have been honest and upfront about wanting to do this, your OH (for whatever reason) has known all the time that he didn't want to do it and yet he has strung you along pretending that he wants to do it really, it's just not the right time etc etc.

I agree - if he had been honest all those years ago, fab_and_frugal would have been able to decide between getting together with this man or moving abroad.

His dishonesty has taken that choice away from her. Now he's come clean, she has the chance to fulfill her dream.

There's no guarantee that it will all work out for the best but there will be a long lead-up time to any final decision which will give them to sort out whether they want to stick together in either country or go their own way.

happyandcontented

Re reading that quoted post above made me realise that the OP is not returning to her place of birth which was how I had originally understood it. I imagine that it was her parents who immigrated here and left behind their extended family and it is to them that the OP is wanting to "return". I don't know how often the OP has been "back" to the unnamed country but listening to stories about life there/holidaying there and living there permanently may be very different things.

I think her OH was in an untenable position and maybe just went along with what he saw as a "pipedream" after all, he had fewer ties to the place than the OP and hers weren't/aren't that tight. Maybe he was putting his kids lives and education first, not merely being selfish.

I can't imagine anyone with a good marriage even thinking about doing what the OP is suggesting. So maybe that is at the root of all this?

Mojisola

fab_and_frugal wrote: »

Here in the UK I guess on the surface we have a good life, no mortgage, jobs we like, friends, OH's family nearby (mine are all in my desired destination), no real money worries (not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination but we don't struggle to pay bills or anything).

Our marriage is okay I guess, we get along fine but there is this underlying resentment creeping in that I don't know will go away.

It really bothers me that he lied, but more than that it really bothers me that he knows how important this is to me and he won't even try, as I said I don't even know if we'll get in but that he won't even complete a form to see is really hurting me.

But I don't feel happy here, it's never felt like home and I feel damn well p!ssed off that OH has been lying to me for over 30 years, and that everything I've been working towards is now up in the air as I always believed we would be emigrating

happyandcontented wrote: »

Maybe he was putting his kids lives and education first, not merely being selfish.

If he was putting their lives and education first, he could have said so to the OP rather than stringing her along all these years.

I can't imagine anyone with a good marriage even thinking about doing what the OP is suggesting. So maybe that is at the root of all this?

Marriage is 'okay' so not the strongest description.

It's likely that the resentment is going to wreck whatever quality of relationship they have at present.

happyandcontented

Mojisola wrote: »

Marriage is 'okay' so not the strongest description.

It's likely that the resentment is going to wreck whatever quality of relationship they have at present.

He should have probably been firmer but would the OP have listened or simply nagged and nagged?

I would understand much more if the OP had been born there and had never settled here but that isn't the case. Maybe her OH didn't really get it either and was just placating her thinking it would fade over time. I agree with your last sentence.

Perhaps the OP could tell us why she longs for this place, whether she has visited it regularly, and why she feels more ties there than here where her close family are? Maybe that is a conversation she should also have with her OH?

I would also love to know which country it is!!;)

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FBaby

I do agree that OP is not being selfish for wanting to go since she has made it clear it was always something she wanted to do, but selfish or not, I don't think that's really the issue.

What is it OP that makes you so desperate to go as you say it is not just your family? Will you still feel the same if things changed for your children (jobs/falling in love) and they decided to stay?

If your answer is that you wouldn't move if your children stayed here, then the problem is clearly with your marriage. If however you would be prepared to move even without them, then clearly it is a dream that only you can truly understand and in that case, I can see how giving up on it would leave you always wondering what if. Still would love to know what it is about this country that would elicit such extreme desire! My experience of having lived on three continents is that every day life is not that different. You still have to ensure you have enough of an income to support yourself, still have to cope with the unexpected, still moan about the weather (if it's not too cold, it's too hot, or too windy!), the economy (same issues everywhere) and politics (no politician is worthy of their position!).