Am I being too selfish?

harrys_nan

Go and don't look back, as long as your kids are happy to go along with you and they seem to want to.
You cannot live your life and be unhappy, only one go at this you know.
Your husband has lied to you all these years, now go and do what you need/want to d.
Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.

iammumtoone

What a sad situation its your children I feel for, whatever they decide they will have to be content with seeing one of their parents just a few weeks every few years. Now that isn't your fault its your Husbands and whatever happens if I were you I wouldn't be able to stay him him even if you don't emigrate. Being stringed along for 30plus years in my opinion is unforgivable.

sulphate

I don't think it is selfish, but I think you are looking at it all with rose-tinted glasses. The grass is always greener.

LilElvis

And if your children can't go with you, or choose to return to the UK? How would you feel in 10 years? Close friends emigrated to South Africa over 25 years ago when their children were pre-school age and now they have a daughter in Oz with a serious medical condition and a son who has now made a life back in the UK after living with us for 75% of the year for more than a decade. He's flown our nest too and will be a father next month. We are going to see more of the baby than her grandparents. Both myself and my husband have also moved overseas for work, as did our parents, and it changes family relationships profoundly. My MIL is German and she will never travel "home" again so she is already mourning the fact that she won't ever see many of her friends or relations again, and it breaks her heart. It really isn't as simple as the trite phrase of "follow your dream".

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

That's a cruel thing for him to do to you.

I'd go, as I wouldn't be able to bear the idea of looking back once I'm too old to try and looking into the face of the person who deliberately manipulated and lied to me to stop me following my dreams.


And, forgive me if it sounds mercenary, but a 50% share of the proceeds from the house would go a long way in helping you start again over there.

rach_k

I don't have any wise words about what you should do, but please consider that your husband may not have thought he was lying to you. Some people talk about a big dream forever with no real intention of doing it. When I was little, we talked about moving to Germany, then France, then Italy, then Ireland - each one seriously and as a child I seriously thought we would do it, each time, but now as an adult I can see it was just dreaming. Although it's been a long time, perhaps your husband thought that was what you were doing. The length of time could even have helped him think it was only dreaming as it sounds like you've been fairly easily deterred before.

splishsplash

I would leave the kids out of it. They are adults now and should be off living their own lives, not resettling you in another country. Ooh, that sounded harsh, it wasn't meant to, but you're sort of pressuring them a little to work with you on this, aren't you? You're also pressuring them to side with you against their father, which is unfair. If you decide to go ahead and split from your husband, then that should in no way involve your children.

Having said that, I don't think it's selfish for you to go ahead and do what you've openly worked towards for years. I think it's unfortunate that your husband has reneged on what you thought was a firm understanding, but it's a big decision and there is really no way you can blame someone for deciding against it.

As others have said, I would think it through carefully. You seem quite ready to walk away from your marriage - are you sure this isn't just a handy way to make your husband the bad guy? If this was indeed a definite plan for the last 30+ years, surely you both would have done some serious research together? What was your reaction to the plans being deferred again and again and again? You seem to have been quite happy to wait and wait and wait, so maybe your husband thought it was just a pleasant pipe dream, nice to mess about with but never a serious option?

Jackieboy

rach_k wrote: »

I don't have any wise words about what you should do, but please consider that your husband may not have thought he was lying to you. Some people talk about a big dream forever with no real intention of doing it. When I was little, we talked about moving to Germany, then France, then Italy, then Ireland - each one seriously and as a child I seriously thought we would do it, each time, but now as an adult I can see it was just dreaming. Although it's been a long time, perhaps your husband thought that was what you were doing. The length of time could even have helped him think it was only dreaming as it sounds like you've been fairly easily deterred before.

Yes, I thought that as well - I wouldn't say he's been lying to you, just keeping his head down, letting you dream your dreams and hoping it would all go away. I'd call him an ostrich rather than a liar.

FBaby

What a dreadful situation. On one hand, your OH has deceived you indeed and I can understand how angry you would be of that fact. On the other hand, maybe he wasn't too sure, maybe he thought you'd change your mind and it was worth breaking up the family at the time if he was honest maybe, he genuinely thought that the idea would grow on him.

What is concerning though is that it sounds like both of you seem to value where you live above your marriage. Has it been that both of you have buried your head in the sand and let the marriage fizzle? Maybe the reason why he doesn't want to move is not so much the geographical issue but the fact that deep inside, he thinks that here or there, your marriage is about to explode and he would rather be here with his support network than far away with no one to support him?

I personally think you need to put the moving away aside and evaluate your marriage. You say your marriage is 'ok, I guess'. That's not really ok is it? You need to be honest to yourself, would you be ok to give up everything that comes with the marriage? Before you ask yourself this question though, do consider all the things you might be taken for granted. Many break up in their 40s/50s thinking that freedom will be wonderful. It is for some, a real deliverance, but for many, it brings loneliness and longing for the companionship they've thrown away.

Should the first step be considering couple counselling?

Pop_Up_Pirate

Yes, I do believe it is selfish.
Regardless of what your husband has done or not done in a bid to keep the peace or placate you, you are your own person and you have chosen to stay with your husband for all these years, but isn't that what a marriage is all about?

You can pack it all in, go abroad and have a blast for a few years on your own but do you really want to throw away your marriage to do that and watch the impact that will have on your children, plus when grand-children become part of the picture, you might find your thinking changes.

A marriage does go through a 'muddling through' stage, but then it blossoms again in retirement and you can both travel the world then if you desire.
How sad it is that you won't be with your husband to enjoy retirement and those grandchildren together.