Am I being too selfish?

fab_and_frugal

Thanks everyone for your opinions.
To try to answer some of the questions - I did ask OH why he misled me all these years and he said he thought it would eventually get out of my system so he thought it easiest just to go along with it, making plans but with delaying tactics which I unwittingly went along with as he did make a good case for e.g. not interrupting the kids' education at various "crucial" stages, or in the early days of running his own business, or various other reasons which I did challenge at the time but on the whole went along with it on the understanding (mistakenly as it turns out) that it was a temporary delay and was all part of the grounding and planning for our move abroad ("we'll be in a better position financially" etc).
My kids are the most important thing in all of this and the main reason I want us to make a new life away from here. If they refused to go then that would be it, but they are also keen to make the move. I have not manipulated them at all into their decision, every discussion about this has been as a family making plans for many years, except for the most recent one where I told them their father's true feelings on the matter.
I by no means think the grass is greener, I do know it will be hard work and it is very much at the forefront of my mind that time is of the essence. I understand that there is a risk that we will not be accepted as a family and then the plans will be changed, but can't help feeling that we need to at least try instead of just dismissing things and accepting our lot here in the UK.
I have no family in the UK, my parents and grandparents have passed on and I have no siblings. My aunts, uncles and cousins are all in my desired destination and have been for several decades although we are really close and talk regularly. There is no language barrier, English is an official language and the most widely used there.
I really do appreciate all the points raised in your comments, so thanks for helping

Ozzuk

I'd do some more investigation - someone else pointed out if your children are effectively grown up you can't just assume you can take them with you. You seem to be considering ending your marriage now rather than waiting til you move (which might not even happen) perhaps really as a retaliatory response to your partners apparent deception.

Focus your energy on investigating your new possible future, find out what is really possible - perhaps when it becomes more likely that you are taking this seriously your husband will come round, or the time will give you both more chance to come to terms with what has happened and what the future could bring. This approach could also make it more amicable if you do split, which can really help your children deal with the move, rather than feel they have taken sides.

Good luck!

pinkshoes

The only selfish person is your husband here!

You have had a family dream for years to emigrate that you ALL had your hearts set on, and now he admits he never wanted to go and just agreed to appease you.

I would say this is very much the end of your marriage regardless of if you now leave or not, as you will resent him.

Follow your heart, continue the dream and GO!

Jackieboy

fab_and_frugal wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your opinions.
To try to answer some of the questions - I did ask OH why he misled me all these years and he said he thought it would eventually get out of my system so he thought it easiest just to go along with it, making plans but with delaying tactics which I unwittingly went along with as he did make a good case for e.g. not interrupting the kids' education at various "crucial" stages, or in the early days of running his own business, or various other reasons which I did challenge at the time but on the whole went along with it on the understanding (mistakenly as it turns out) that it was a temporary delay and was all part of the grounding and planning for our move abroad ("we'll be in a better position financially" etc).
My kids are the most important thing in all of this and the main reason I want us to make a new life away from here. If they refused to go then that would be it, but they are also keen to make the move. I have not manipulated them at all into their decision, every discussion about this has been as a family making plans for many years, except for the most recent one where I told them their father's true feelings on the matter.
I by no means think the grass is greener, I do know it will be hard work and it is very much at the forefront of my mind that time is of the essence. I understand that there is a risk that we will not be accepted as a family and then the plans will be changed, but can't help feeling that we need to at least try instead of just dismissing things and accepting our lot here in the UK.
I have no family in the UK, my parents and grandparents have passed on and I have no siblings. My aunts, uncles and cousins are all in my desired destination and have been for several decades although we are really close and talk regularly. There is no language barrier, English is an official language and the most widely used there.
I really do appreciate all the points raised in your comments, so thanks for helping

It really ought to be your marriage though. Your children are adults and could perfectly well go on their own if that's what they want, particularly with the family support they would have out there. Concentrate on seeing whether you can both save the marriage and then decide together what is best for the pair of you.

Torry_Quine

I can see why your husband just went along with it as something in the future. He was trying to be supportive in the only way he knew.

Is your desire to move really more important than your marriage is the question at the heart of this.?

Your children are grown up so need to find their own path

Jackieboy

pinkshoes wrote: »

The only selfish person is your husband here!

You have had a family dream for years to emigrate that you ALL had your hearts set on, and now he admits he never wanted to go and just agreed to appease you.

I would say this is very much the end of your marriage regardless of if you now leave or not, as you will resent him.

Follow your heart, continue the dream and GO!

Well actually, no they didn't.

Mojisola

fab_and_frugal wrote: »

Thing is, I know that to make things work abroad the move needs to be done in the next couple of years or we won't have long enough to work abroad to make a secure retirement a possibility.

So I am basically left to decide - do I stay with my marriage here in the UK or do I try to make a go of it abroad?

But if I'm going myself (i.e. without OH) I don't really see the point in staying together for the next couple of years just to leave then, might as well do it now.

Nothing is going to happen quickly so I would start the ball rolling.

If that means a trial separation from your OH, go for it. Perhaps when he sees that you are serious about it, he will reassess his situation. Does he hate the idea of moving so much that he's willing to lose you?

A separation will show you whether you are happier out of the relationship - maybe you won't be and will have to rethink your plans.

coolcait

LilElvis wrote: »

Would you even be able to go as a family? Your children are adults so would they not need to qualify to emigrate in their own right?

If the OP is a native of the country in question, there's a good chance that the children will have acquired the nationality too. They'd all be repatriating rather than emigrating.

If that's not the situation, then there may well be bureaucratic hurdles for the adult children.

In terms of the OP's options for dealing with the relationship issues which have now appeared, there's not much I can add to the points of view given by others.

jamiehelsinki

I dont think he's lied to you in a bad way, he just didn't share your dream and didn't want to tell you.

I would say think about it carefully, your only going to go with half your joint assets and will need to pay the bills yourself in the future, the children will move on in a year or two.

Your children will no doubt look at the idea with rose tinted glasses but will be thinking of it from the point of view of holidays abroad, not working most days like they would here.

If your quite happy to leave your husband then it sounds like your marriage is dead anyway.

Economically the UK is probably one of the better places to live, I have friends and family in Canada, US, Spain, Germany and don't think I would want to swap places with any of them.

FBaby

My kids are the most important thing in all of this

I agree, this statement really sums it up. Your adult children shouldn't be at the fore front of your plans and personally, I do think this is selfish as putting a lot of dependency on them which is not fair. Maybe they are excited at the prospect of moving too, but what if they fall in love with someone British, and they can't move there definitely, then they will be in the same position than you are now, do they give up their dream for you or do they stay stuff it, it's my life?

I think your mind is made up in that you have already decided that your life there is more important that your marriage because really, that's what it comes down to. Only you know how much this is the case or not.