Am I being too selfish?

FBaby

Just to add, have you asked yourself what you would have done if your husband had told you 20/10/5 years ago that he won't ever want to move?

By the way, I do think that what he did is really bad deception and something I would have a hard time to forgive, but at the same time, if you were so adamant that it was abroad in the future of nothing, it's understandable that his fear of losing his family would have taken over. After all, for all he knew, you could have decided to move there with the kids and he would have been out of picture.

Jackieboy

FBaby wrote: »

Just to add, have you asked yourself what you would have done if your husband had told you 20/10/5 years ago that he won't ever want to move?

By the way, I do think that what he did is really bad deception and something I would have a hard time to forgive, but at the same time, if you were so adamant that it was abroad in the future of nothing, it's understandable that his fear of losing his family would have taken over. After all, for all he knew, you could have decided to move there with the kids and he would have been out of picture.

A not unreasonable assumption, given that's what the plan is now.:(

springdreams

You seem to be skirting around mentioning the name of your destination country.

Have you ever lived there? Have your children? How do you or they know that it will be the perfect place that you imagine it is going to be?

You say the move is your children's dream too, and that it has been for very many years. Surely this is because your constantly talking about it as something that will be happening in the foreseeable future as they were growing up has now in turn caused your dream to become theirs, where they would otherwise have not made this decision for themselves but for you talking the destination country up all the time. Transference.

TBagpuss

Pop_Up_Pirate wrote: »

Yes, I do believe it is selfish.

Regardless of what your husband has done or not done in a bid to keep the peace or placate you, you are your own person and you have chosen to stay with your husband for all these years, but isn't that what a marriage is all about?

You can pack it all in, go abroad and have a blast for a few years on your own but do you really want to throw away your marriage to do that and watch the impact that will have on your children, plus when grand-children become part of the picture, you might find your thinking changes.

A marriage does go through a 'muddling through' stage, but then it blossoms again in retirement and you can both travel the world then if you desire.

How sad it is that you won't be with your husband to enjoy retirement and those grandchildren together.

I think that goes both ways, though, doesn't it? OP has put her own wishes last for 30 years of marriage, to accommodate her husband, and has based her decision making on discussions about what was in the best interests of them as a couple and as a family.

She is now asking her husband to do the same and to put her wishes above his for a change, and, as she has done, to accept the outcome of their mutual plans and agreements even where those don't turn out to his preference.

OP, I don't think you are being any more selfish than your husband I, I think you are being assertive, and I think that part of this is that you and he have a history of you not asserting yourself, and being willing to see other points of view.

I don't necessarily think the the only options are divorce or one of you giving up your preference.

I think you have 2 major issues - one is to deal with your feelings about his beheaviour, and the fact that he has been less than honest with you (and it seems, to me, somewhat disrespectful if his presumption was that you didn't really feel as strongly as you had told him you did, and would simply forget bout it) - so I think that if you want your relationship to have any future that's something you would both need to be willing to talk about and to consider.

The second is whether you stay or go, and whether he stays or goes. Is there any prospect of you being able to emigrate but keep a foot in this country, so that (perhaps) you can still visit regularly and perhaps one or both of you could have lengthy stays in future, once you are retired?

Is a long distance relationship a possibility? I know one couple where the husband spends 6 months a year in the USA, and they both thrive on it.

Is a trial move an option? could you go for a couple of years and then review it?

Do you still want to go even if your children decide against it, or if they were to go but then chose to return to the UK after a year or so?

I don't think that there is a single right answer, but I do think that it is as reasonable for you to want your wishes to be followed as for him to do so, so don't beat yourself up or let him, or yourself, undermine your feelings by accusing you of selfishness.

If you and he decide to continue talking, then part of that conversation may include thinking about the specific reasons why you want to go, and the specific reasons why he wants to stay. Are any of them things which either of you can work around?

svain

fab_and_frugal wrote: »

My kids are the most important thing in all of this

I dislike this phrase when the kids are kids but hate it when i hear someone says it about adult children. Let the children be adults and make their own decision independent from you.

You dont seem to have any other issues with your husband personally. Feels to me like you and the children have a bit of an alliance against him. I also very much doubt your children have come to this decision without serious input/manipulation/guidance from you. Probably over many years. I feel for your husband here. It must feel like his whole family are deserting him the minute they gain independence.
I hope for him, that at least one of the children see this and decide against the move.

peachyprice

My dad felt like you, he desparately wanted to go back to Australia. They went when they were first married, my brother was born there then my mum came back when she was pregnant with me because she hated it so much, he stayed on an extra year to see out his work contract.

My dad then spent the next 40 years wearing my mum down, pestering her to go back and give it another try, finding more excuses as to why it would work as they got older.

They eventually went around 10 years ago because my mum had had enough of my dad going on and on. The minute she stepped of the plane she knew she'd made a mistake. They stayed for 7 years, built a house, my brother went too. It all got to much for my mum, she hated it so much. In the end she told my dad she was coming home, and he could chose to come to or stay there. He did come home with her and while my mum is happy and settled here he would still go back in a heartbeat. They go every year for a month, my mum is waiting for the day when the flight is to much for them, while they're they she spends 3 out of the 4 weeks waiting to come home.

If you ask my mum what she hated she will say it's the people in your life that make you happy, not the places.

Marvel1

Personally I think what your husband did was deceitful and kept you back all these years instead of giving you up before you had children. Now that your children are adults, I say go with your dream.

Furthermore in regards to your adult children, would you be happy if they stayed or moved back?

Person_one

peachyprice wrote: »

My dad felt like you, he desparately wanted to go back to Australia. They went when they were first married, my brother was born there then my mum came back when she was pregnant with me because she hated it so much, he stayed on an extra year to see out his work contract.

My dad then spent the next 40 years wearing my mum down, pestering her to go back and give it another try, finding more excuses as to why it would work as they got older.

They eventually went around 10 years ago because my mum had had enough of my dad going on and on. The minute she stepped of the plane she knew she'd made a mistake. They stayed for 7 years, built a house, my brother went too. It all got to much for my mum, she hated it so much. In the end she told my dad she was coming home, and he could chose to come to or stay there. He did come home with her and while my mum is happy and settled here he would still go back in a heartbeat. They go every year for a month, my mum is waiting for the day when the flight is to much for them, while they're they she spends 3 out of the 4 weeks waiting to come home.

If you ask my mum what she hated she will say it's the people in your life that make you happy, not the places.

I can't even imagine how hard it would be to have a happy successful relationship when neither partner is able to feel fully happy in the place the other one wants to be.

melanzana

Person_one wrote: »

I can't even imagine how hard it would be to have a happy successful relationship when neither partner is able to feel fully happy in the place the other one wants to be.

Absolutely agree.

It's happening right now isn't it, so it is just going to be role reversal if the move ever happens.

I personally would not denigrate the husband in this case. He probably sees the reality of it all. As OP says they have a good life here, so I can't see the absolute necessity of emigrating at this stage of their lives and trying to establish employment, housing etc. etc.

Anyway, I think (ruefully), OP should go to the country that cannot be named for six months. Call it a reconnaissance mission. And see what comes out of that.

FBaby

If you ask my mum what she hated she will say it's the people in your life that make you happy, not the places.

But that doesn't explain why she hated it so much then if indeed, it's the people in your life who make you happy when she had her husband and children with her for 7 years there yet continue not to dislike it, but hate it.

I am wondering whether the main reason why people really want to be in one place is down to family. OP have said that she wants to be with her family, and that's not even close family, mum/dad, siblings, but cousins/aunts etc.... I wonder if it is the same reason why her OH is not keen on going. Maybe he knows that their marriage is not solid and worries that once they are there, OP will be arranging her life around her family in addition to her children and he will get even less attention, having given up his family.