Am I being too selfish?

fab_and_frugal

HI everyone
Just looking for a bit of advice on what you all think about the situation I find myself in after believing something else entirely for decades.
OH and I have been together for over 30 years, since we were at school. Married for most of that time, kids grown up and all at university.
Since forever we have talked about emigrating as a family, it's something I have always wanted to do since I was a child and OH agreed but would put time barriers on it ... when we were married, when we had kids, when the kids were older, when the kids left uni...
so now the barriers are due to end, the kids are finished/finishing up at uni within the next couple of years and are still keen to leave the UK. I am too, but OH has now said that he has never wanted to go, that he just said that to basically shut me up but he is happy with his life here and won't leave under any circumstances. I do however want to go. and I've spoken to the kids about it who say that they still really want to go but won't go without me (but know the situation with their Dad and their response is that if he decides to stay then it's his decision, it won't stop them going as long as I go).
Thing is, I know that to make things work abroad the move needs to be done in the next couple of years or we won't have long enough to work abroad to make a secure retirement a possibility. I also worry about the next decade or so for the kids and don't want them suffering due to the political and economic fallout of anything that's going on - growing up in the 80s I remember only too well what it was like and don't want my children having to live through the same or worse if I can avoid it.
So I am basically left to decide - do I stay with my marriage here in the UK or do I try to make a go of it abroad? There are no guarantees that we would even be accepted to our desired destination but the odds are in our favour due to my job. If we do go it would be probably about 2 years by the time things were finalised here and the paperwork was all through. But if I'm going myself (i.e. without OH) I don't really see the point in staying together for the next couple of years just to leave then, might as well do it now.
Here in the UK I guess on the surface we have a good life, no mortgage, jobs we like, friends, OH's family nearby (mine are all in my desired destination), no real money worries (not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination but we don't struggle to pay bills or anything). Our marriage is okay I guess, we get along fine but there is this underlying resentment creeping in that I don't know will go away. It really bothers me that he lied, but more than that it really bothers me that he knows how important this is to me and he won't even try, as I said I don't even know if we'll get in but that he won't even complete a form to see is really hurting me.
But I don't feel happy here, it's never felt like home and I feel damn well p!ssed off that OH has been lying to me for over 30 years, and that everything I've been working towards is now up in the air as I always believed we would be emigrating so have worked really hard in paying the mortgage off, saving hard, training in a desirable job to enhance our chances as best I could.
He has suggested a compromise of me visiting my family more often (currently I manage roughly every 3/4 years for 2 or 3 weeks) but while they are a factor in emigrating, they're not the whole package and I would want it even if I went to an entirely different part of the country and saw them as often as I do now.
Am I being selfish to go away without him, to leave him?
Any thoughts appreciated.
Thank you

mattpaint

Yes but no more so than your OH. You want to do this, your children want to do this so do it. Life's too short to have regrets of this magnitude.

Brightonsbest_2

Yes!

ATB

hazyjo

So long as you're not wearing rose tinted glasses. Are we taking the other side of the world?

I have a couple of friends in Oz who are very happy, but it would be my worst nightmare! I've moved house a lot, but I like having my friends and family close.

Good luck.

Jx

McKneff

You are not selfish. You should do exactly what you want to do.

Go over for a year, this is more of a compromise. Then see how you feel.
What your hubby suggests is selfish.

We aren't here for a rehearsal.

I felt like you do 20 years ago and it's my biggest regret that I didn't follow my instinct.

fab_and_frugal

Thanks everyone. I was totally gobsmacked when he told me point blank that he has never wanted it at all as we've talked about it since we first got together all that time ago and he always led me to believe he wanted it too. I've suggested we try together for a year or two, rent out the house instead of selling etc but he won't consider that either.

No rose tinted glasses, hazyjo - I know it will be hard work and might not work out, more so without OH there as that will have a financial as well as emotional impact on everything but I certainly don't think it is some sort of Utopia.

McKneff, that's what I'm afraid of, regretting it for the rest of my life, whichever decision I make.

xxx

LilElvis

Would you even be able to go as a family? Your children are adults so would they not need to qualify to emigrate in their own right?

annandale

Has he told you why he didn't tell you how he really felt?

meer53

Have you looked into how easy it will be to move abroad ? I know your post is about your OH causing delays but is there an age limit ? I assume you're mid 40's ? A quick Google says the limit is 50, good luck with sorting out your relationship and i hope you get what you want. It will be very difficult, especially for your children if they're moving away from their Dad to live abroad. I know a lot of children take this option themselves eventually but as they'll be taking your side, so to speak, there will be added complications. I don't think you're being selfish, you should have been selfish years ago.

Person_one

I think it would be different if he'd genuinely just changed his mind, but the fact that he has admitted he's been stringing you along for decades basically frees you up to do whatever you want.

If the rest of your family are already in the destination you wish to move to, is that your country of origin? Do you speak the language? You will have a ready made support network from the sounds of it.

Aced2016

I think you've already answered your own question !

You want this and always have done, and your children seem to want it to. It sounds like your marriage is at point of plodding along. A lot get to that point, where there's no terrible reason to leave so people just stay together.

But life's short, so go for it ! If it's meant to be it will all work out. If your husband is meant to be by your side he will be.

If you don't go you'll spend the rest of your life wondering "what if".

Good luck to you