Am I being too selfish?

Robisere

Have not read every response here, but I did pick up on this from the original:

Here in the UK I guess on the surface we have a good life, no mortgage, jobs we like, friends, OH's family nearby (mine are all in my desired destination), no real money worries

So you will be moving to where your own family already lives, but you are expecting your OH to move away from his family? By 'family' I presume you mean parents, siblings, etc.

Is that something that you have discussed with him?

FBaby

By 'family' I presume you mean parents, siblings, etc.

OP has clarified that it is not parents or siblings but more distant family members.

OP, if you feel you can come back, I would genuinely be interested to know what attracts you so much to that country, not to judge at all, clearly it is something you have been wanting for all your adult life, so your reasons must be very justified, I'm just curious (maybe I want to move there too!).

fab_and_frugal

Thanks so much everyone! So many replies and opinions, all very much appreciated.
For those of you asking - my desired destination is Canada - I wasn't trying to hide it, just didn't really think it was relevant and didn't want to get into the discussion of how hard it is to get in etc, all of which I know as it has been well researched.
I have been over a lot of times over my life, and it's always felt like "home" which is a feeling I've never had in the UK, even when I had family here. Not a very scientific explanation I admit, but a gut feeling and one I've never been able to shake. First visited 31 years ago and from the minute I stepped off the plane I knew I wanted to live there. I have tried to shake it, to lose it, to make the UK feel like "home" but it just hasn't happened. I can't explain it, it just is. I am however under no illusions that it is some sort of utopia.
My children first visited 10 years ago and have been talking about living there ever since. Much of it unprompted, and I have absolutely not tried to manipulate them into going, on the contrary I have explained to them the upheaval, how it might not work out etc etc. I'm not an idiot and know from family who have gone there (although "distant" as one poster has said, they are cousins and aunts and uncles who I am very close with, my parents and grandparents have passed on and I have no siblings but I have always been close with my cousins who are like brothers and sisters to me, I consider their children my nieces and nephews) that it is not always rosy, that work still needs done, bills still need paid and so on - I don't for a second think that I am going there to lie on a beach all day drinking cocktails, far from it.
As for OH's family, we have spoken to them over the years about going and not only do they support us but they have indicated many times that should we go, they would apply to go too (both parents retired) or at the very least would spend as much time as visas would allow over there with us, so I am not taking OH away from his parents or suggesting anything like it.
I'd also really really like to live somewhere that has proper seasons and where there is a temperature difference of more than 10 degrees between summer and winter, where it doesn't rain 300 days a year and where there are more than a handful of blue sky days even if it is bitterly cold.
My original post was asking if I was selfish, not whether I was right in wanting to emigrate or not, but I do appreciate everyone's advice and I'm very much aware that it might be a difficult move, emotionally and financially.
As I said, my children are the priority in this - I want them to have good prospects, to have a better quality of life, to be able to have their own home before their late thirties (what is the average age of first time home ownership in the UK? 39 or something?). Would I go without them? TBH it's not really something I considered as I know they want to go too, and they've actually said that if Canada don't accept us we should think of alternatives.
I know they will go their own way in life and would never consider holding them back for a second, but I do think I am much more likely to "lose" them if we stay in the UK as they will go off and emigrate on their own. Although they said they won't go without me, it would really upset me if I thought they didn't spread their wings just because of me.
Although it's a great idea to live between the two places it's not possible due to still needing to work til retirement which is at least 20 years hence. I have suggested we have a trial of a couple of years where we rent out our house so we have the option to come back if we can't settle but OH says no to that too.
I'd still rather we went as a family with my OH (assuming we get accepted) but he's refusing to even discuss it any more. Contrary to what maybe came out in my original post, I do still love my husband which is why I've not just upped and left already. He thinks I'm being selfish for wanting to move away and I just wondered how it seemed to others.
BTW I never ever nag, which is probably to my detriment and how I find myself in this sorry position. I do honestly believe if I had known my OH's true feelings 30 years ago our relationship wouldn't have become a serious one. But that's hindsight so not very practical or helpful now, just answering the poster who asked.
Thanks again everyone, I hope this answers all the questions.
xx

harrys_nan

I really understand now we know it's Canada:T:D
My dad was Canadian, it was a war marriage that didn't work out due to my mum getting homesick.
I should have been born there, but my mum had a bad heart and wasn't allowed to travel until after the birth. We went over when I was a few weeks old and came back when I was about 18 months.
Didn't see my dad again until I was 40 (that's another story)
I have more family living over there than I have here and I would have loved to have lived there.
My daughter goes over more than I have and she would love to live there, my son not bothered.
Go and don't set yourself a time, try it for 12 months, get a feel for all the season, (It's blooming cold in the winter) then decide if that is where you want to live forever.
Good luck

FBaby

Thanks for coming back and clarifying your feelings. They seem perfectly justified. We are all allowed to dream for a better life for ourselves, and yours seems perfectly legitimate.

He thinks I'm being selfish for wanting to move away and I just wondered how it seemed to others.

For you to be considered selfish, he would have to give you valid reasons for wanting to stay to start with. Has he given you any?

Jackieboy

fab_and_frugal wrote: »

Thanks so much everyone! So many replies and opinions, all very much appreciated.
For those of you asking - my desired destination is Canada - I wasn't trying to hide it, just didn't really think it was relevant and didn't want to get into the discussion of how hard it is to get in etc, all of which I know as it has been well researched.
I have been over a lot of times over my life, and it's always felt like "home" which is a feeling I've never had in the UK, even when I had family here. Not a very scientific explanation I admit, but a gut feeling and one I've never been able to shake. First visited 31 years ago and from the minute I stepped off the plane I knew I wanted to live there. I have tried to shake it, to lose it, to make the UK feel like "home" but it just hasn't happened. I can't explain it, it just is. I am however under no illusions that it is some sort of utopia.
My children first visited 10 years ago and have been talking about living there ever since. Much of it unprompted, and I have absolutely not tried to manipulate them into going, on the contrary I have explained to them the upheaval, how it might not work out etc etc. I'm not an idiot and know from family who have gone there (although "distant" as one poster has said, they are cousins and aunts and uncles who I am very close with, my parents and grandparents have passed on and I have no siblings but I have always been close with my cousins who are like brothers and sisters to me, I consider their children my nieces and nephews) that it is not always rosy, that work still needs done, bills still need paid and so on - I don't for a second think that I am going there to lie on a beach all day drinking cocktails, far from it.
As for OH's family, we have spoken to them over the years about going and not only do they support us but they have indicated many times that should we go, they would apply to go too (both parents retired) or at the very least would spend as much time as visas would allow over there with us, so I am not taking OH away from his parents or suggesting anything like it.
I'd also really really like to live somewhere that has proper seasons and where there is a temperature difference of more than 10 degrees between summer and winter, where it doesn't rain 300 days a year and where there are more than a handful of blue sky days even if it is bitterly cold.
My original post was asking if I was selfish, not whether I was right in wanting to emigrate or not, but I do appreciate everyone's advice and I'm very much aware that it might be a difficult move, emotionally and financially.
As I said, my children are the priority in this - I want them to have good prospects, to have a better quality of life, to be able to have their own home before their late thirties (what is the average age of first time home ownership in the UK? 39 or something?). Would I go without them? TBH it's not really something I considered as I know they want to go too, and they've actually said that if Canada don't accept us we should think of alternatives.
I know they will go their own way in life and would never consider holding them back for a second, but I do think I am much more likely to "lose" them if we stay in the UK as they will go off and emigrate on their own. Although they said they won't go without me, it would really upset me if I thought they didn't spread their wings just because of me.
Although it's a great idea to live between the two places it's not possible due to still needing to work til retirement which is at least 20 years hence. I have suggested we have a trial of a couple of years where we rent out our house so we have the option to come back if we can't settle but OH says no to that too.
I'd still rather we went as a family with my OH (assuming we get accepted) but he's refusing to even discuss it any more. Contrary to what maybe came out in my original post, I do still love my husband which is why I've not just upped and left already. He thinks I'm being selfish for wanting to move away and I just wondered how it seemed to others.
BTW I never ever nag, which is probably to my detriment and how I find myself in this sorry position. I do honestly believe if I had known my OH's true feelings 30 years ago our relationship wouldn't have become a serious one. But that's hindsight so not very practical or helpful now, just answering the poster who asked.
Thanks again everyone, I hope this answers all the questions.
xx

Well, that's Scotland for you!

fab_and_frugal

Thanks folks

FBaby wrote: »

For you to be considered selfish, he would have to give you valid reasons for wanting to stay to start with. Has he given you any?

Reasons he has given:

he likes his job what would his business partner say if we just upped and left? friends the upheaval/that it would be hard work pets (who would come with us) the NHS (even though Canada also has cradle-to-grave healthcare) we have Europe on our doorstep with all the culture/sunshine/delights we could ever want he likes it here and is happy enough he doesn't like mosquitoes in summer his football team (watching, not playing)

heartbreak_star

fab_and_frugal wrote: »

Reasons he has given:

he likes his job -

Legit, but he could do similar there?
what would his business partner say if we just upped and left? - I'm sure he won't be uncontactable! could it be used to expand their business
friends - not legit, with all the ways you can keep in touch
the upheaval/that it would be hard work - Gosh, how terrible :wall:
pets (who would come with us) - therefore not legit reasoning
the NHS (even though Canada also has cradle-to-grave healthcare) - also not legit reasoning
we have Europe on our doorstep with all the culture/sunshine/delights we could ever want - but without your family...and do you ever go there?
he likes it here and is happy enough - but you aren't
he doesn't like mosquitoes in summer - we get them here too
his football team (watching, not playing) - REALLY?!

Blimey. So you can give him 30 years of your life without your family nearby, but he won't try even with his family to go somewhere else to help "give you that back". (not sure how to put that!)

His reasons are flimsy at best - if I was his business partner I'd be looking to start a Canadian branch...

HBS x

fab_and_frugal

Thanks HBS

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Reasons he has given:
he likes his job - Legit, but he could do similar there? He could without a doubt
what would his business partner say if we just upped and left? - I'm sure he won't be uncontactable! could it be used to expand their business It could but when I suggest it he dismisses it saying it would be too difficult to set up there/ he doesn't have the contacts he needs etc
...
we have Europe on our doorstep with all the culture/sunshine/delights we could ever want - but without your family...and do you ever go there? Occasionally but it's just as a holiday once a year or so, not as a lifestyle or anything - we're not jetting off on city breaks all the time or anything
he likes it here and is happy enough - but you aren't No
he doesn't like mosquitoes in summer - we get them here too though to be fair it's usually too cold to be sitting outside on a "summer" evening...
his football team (watching, not playing) - REALLY?! YES!!! This was a genuine reason.

FBaby

So really it comes down to the fact that he is happy with the status quo and afraid to change whilst the prospect of a change is exciting you. The only way therefore is to find somewhere in the middle and to start with, provide him with some reassurance.

Have you actually done some proper research into the feasibility of not only moving, but guarantee a similar, if not better, lifestyle?

The main issue to support the above is clearly work since you say you are a long way off retirement, so can you be confident that you could get a decent job, meaning you have a particular skill that you can evidence is in demand. Similarly, you say that his business could definitely transfer, but how certain are you? Would he have to start from scratch what took him years to build? Would it mean low profit for some time? And indeed, could it have a significant impact on his business partner?

Have you worked out what you could afford, what income you would bring, how much you would have to pay in tax, pension, healthcare insurance etc.... and the most important part, have you insured that you would indeed be able to get a working visa and an investor one (or whatever it is) for your husband to be entitled to trade?

Maybe it's not so much the idea of living in Canada that worries your husband but that doing so is risking losing the nice comfortable and secure life you've worked hard to build here. Maybe he had the misfortune to watch some of those programmes showing couples who packed everything to move abroad (mainly Spain I think), putting all their investment in property there to see it all disappear in a few months and having to come back to the UK totally destitute. It is a scary prospect, so maybe he is extremely cautious to balance out your seemingly carefree enthusiasm?