Am I being too selfish?

movinghelp

I don't think you're being selfish but I do think you're underestimating how hard it will be to make the move without your OH (leaving aside the children's feelings as well, in theory it's easy to just up sticks but I'm sure they would feel terrible guilt for leaving their father).

I moved to Aus 6 months ago with my partner of 8 years and it's extremely difficult if one of you enjoys it and the other wants to be back 'home'. That said if he had refused to go I would have been very hurt that he wasn't able to give it a try for me as I would have done the same for him.

The difference is we don't have children and very much viewed it a short term experience. I can imagine that emigrating would have been a much more daunting prospect and as such I probably would have done it pre kids but you obviously have your reasons. Best of luck in what you decide.

moneyistooshorttomention

Now - I don't see why the children would feel guilt for leaving their father.

They wouldnt have left him - he would have known they intended going all along. He would be the one that had left them - his decision not to fulfil his stated intention of going. His decision to stay put. He would be due to feel guilty - but they certainly wouldnt.

He should be feeling pretty darn guilty right now - for having misled his whole family (ie not just OP).

Right now - I bet he's been hoping all along that if his OH ever did see through his lies (as she has now) that he would have prevaricated and lied for quite long enough that she would no longer be able to fulfil Canada's requirements for people moving there and it would be the Canadian government stopping her moving there (ie not him). I expect he has been monitoring the Canadian governments position for some time on their requirements - and cheering inwardly any time they made things more difficult. Followed by hoping they would "do his dirty work" for him.

seven-day-weekend

I have done the same as your husband. Not for thirty years, only for a couple of years, but I can understand it.

He thought it was just a dream. He didn't want to tread on your dreams, so he went along with them, so as not to upset you. He didn't really think it would ever happen.

And now the time has come where he can't hide his true feelings any longer.


In my own case, we didn't ever go to NZ, that died a natural death. But when my husband wanted to go to Spain years later, I thought, 'yes. I can do that' and we were there for eight years. I enjoyed our time there, but it was always his dream rather than mine.

Is emigrating more important than him? Would he go if you went to a different country? If you want to save your marriage, either one of you has to give up their stance or you will have to make compromises.

Would he be prepared to give it a try if, for example you assured him that if he still hated it after five years, you would return home again?


Your children should not be part of your decision, they are grown ups.

(NB - if my husband had insisted on going to NZ, I would have gone. Rather there with him than here without him).

moneyistooshorttomention

Reverse that round and he should ask himself "Is staying put more important than my wife?"

Add that this isnt just two opposing stances on things - therefore both equally entitled to their viewpoint.

She has been honest with him. He has not been honest with her (or his children). Her wish trumps his - because it was her intention and his stated intention all along. If they'd both stated their true respective intentions at the outset - then it would be an "equal call" as to who gets their way. But that wasn't what happened...

Actually I'd begin wondering what else he had lied about after all this...

FBaby

And again many things happen in 30 years that can change a goal. This is where you are at cross roads. You think he is selfish for using changed his mind, he thinks that you're selfish for not appreciating that things have evolved in your life and the dream isn't one any longer.

Marvel1

FBaby wrote: »

And again many things happen in 30 years that can change a goal. This is where you are at cross roads. You think he is selfish for using changed his mind, he thinks that you're selfish for not appreciating that things have evolved in your life and the dream isn't one any longer.

Never wanted to go since day 1, so there were no goals.

fab_and_frugal wrote: »

OH has now said that he has never wanted to go, that he just said that to basically shut me up

seven-day-weekend

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Reverse that round and he should ask himself "Is staying put more important than my wife?"

Add that this isnt just two opposing stances on things - therefore both equally entitled to their viewpoint.

She has been honest with him. He has not been honest with her (or his children). Her wish trumps his - because it was her intention and his stated intention all along. If they'd both stated their true respective intentions at the outset - then it would be an "equal call" as to who gets their way. But that wasn't what happened...

Actually I'd begin wondering what else he had lied about after all this...

It all depends on how much they want the marriage to work. If they both want this, then they will find a way and it won't be a matter of who's right and who's wrong.

I hope they manage to find a mutually acceptable solution.

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

And again many things happen in 30 years that can change a goal. This is where you are at cross roads. You think he is selfish for using changed his mind, he thinks that you're selfish for not appreciating that things have evolved in your life and the dream isn't one any longer.

But he hasn't changed his mind - he's admitted that he's been lying throughout their relationship.

Pixie5740

Stay, go, go on your own, I don't think you're being selfish whichever you choose. If I were in your situation OP what would upset me most is not where I live but that I had been lied to for 30 years. That my feelings about emigrating had been belittled for 30 years whilst my OH played the waiting game, constantly putting barriers in the way of my dream. If he had just told you how he really felt 30 years ago you could have made your decision to stay or go before you got married, before there were children. I would find it difficult to truly forgive.

fab_and_frugal

Thanks so much everyone. I really appreciate all the comments.

FBaby - I think I could accept it so much more easily if he had simply changed his mind but he has been clear over the past couple of weeks that he has never had any intention of going and just went along with what I was saying in the hope that I'd "get it out of my system" somehow.

Pixie, yes I am struggling to forgive him, I'm still reeling tbh. It's not like it was even a secret, it's always been an open discussion we've had with his family and mine, with friends and he has always gone along with it. I've told a couple of close friends who have been involved in Canada chats about his revelations and they were as stunned as I was, as he always seemed so "up for it" in their words.

Seven-day-weekend - thank you. I do appreciate what you're saying and I know in my heart if we did try and it didn't work for all of us I would change things again. What bothers me - aside from the lying - is that he won't even try - I've suggested a year or two trial (assuming we even get accepted) then reassess things but he won't consider this at all, he has made it very clear that he is not moving from the UK under any circumstances for any period of time except the odd fortnight for holidays.

Moneyistootight... - I have been wondering that myself in the last couple of days...what else has he been lying about that I have just accepted at face value that might not actually add up...?

Thanks so much again everyone, I was a bit nervous I guess is the word about posting originally (I don't really post on the forum though I am a very keen lurker!) but you've all been so lovely and helpful and really made me focus and think things through which is great.

xxx