Paying the bill when dating

jamiehelsinki

The threads not about paying on a first date though it's more about when should the guy step back and let the woman pick up her half occasionally because it will happen at some point.

I also asked if the woman was not as her profile suggested, would it be okay not to offer to pay for her?

Thanks to everyone whos replied anyway I'm stepping away now it's a bit off topic.

Thanks everyone!

amateur_house

jamiehelsinki wrote: »

I'm way out of touch here (late 30's and single for the first time since my early 20's) with up to date rules of dating but my question is who pays for what and when.

I've been on pof a few months now and had a few dates from it. I have generally enjoyed it, met some nice women, had a few good nights out, met a few not so nice but it's helped me get my confidence back with women.

I generally always offer to pay on the first date and it's rarely declined but at what point should the woman start offering to pay or pick up her half of the bill occasionally?

Second question if the date was quite an expensive one for a first date, venue suggested by the woman and you didn't like her from the off or she wasn't what she seemed to be online, should you just pay your half and let her pay for herself?

I know there's no right or wrong answer just curious what other people's perspectives are on this?

Thanks, Jamie

Personally I've always paid my half of the bill right from the first date. Though I was a bit put out on a first (and last) date a few years back where the guy had forgotten his wallet so I ended up buying all the drinks. I did wonder if it was done deliberately to get free drinks

Kim_kim

Lily-Rose wrote: »

This ^ I would agree that one of the most offputting things about a man (when I first meet him) would be stinginess. I don't expect a man to pay for everything indefinitely, and I would certainly be sharing long term, but if he expected me to pay for my own meal when he had asked ME out, he wouldn't be getting a second date.

Call it sexist, double standards, whatever, I don't care, but when a man asks a woman on a date, he pays ... If she offers to pay half, very nice, but IMO he should not accept. The last thing I would want in a man is someone with short arms and deep pockets. If I was asked out and he made me pay for myself, he would not see me again.

Actually you do have a point with who does the asking.
If I rang my daughter & asked her to lunch today - I would pay, as I had invited her. Or other similar scenario.

burnoutbabe

Its online dating, if the rule was "the asker must pay" well then no one would suggest a meet up would they?

Just go for drinks and you buy a round and then its their turn. If i was out with anyone and they refused to buy the 2nd round (drinks/coffee) after i got the first one, it would just be so rude. Its the same as people not buying rounds in the pub when its their turn.

zagfles

justme111 wrote: »

it could be that your neighbour was in a relationship where a man done all the diy so she did not lnow how to do it herself, I betany women do not know. Doubt she said it like that :"I could do it but do not want to get dirty", likely it is your interpretation.

Like I said - she didn't want help, or advice, which I'd have been fine with. It wasn't "sorry, never done this before, can you show me how". She just wanted me to do it. Like "it's man's work - let's find a man"!

Ironically my wife has more experience changing a car wheel, I'd never done it in my life but I knew how to in theory. My wife had to do it for real, a few weeks after getting her first car.

But when my wife answered the door, she didn't ask my wife, she asked for me. This from a union "equality" rep! Never occured to her that maybe a woman might know how and may even be better at it than a man!

I do not think it is fair to compare ironing and change of tyre , the latter happens like once a decade if ever while the former often is done on a weekly basis so a person is far more likely to know to iron than to change tyre. While I lived with my ex I have not even changed a light bulb ever as we had a labour division - diy was his , paperwork was mostly mine, housework was between two with bigger share of it being mine. So after divorce I struggled and if I was your neighbour I would have made sure I never asked you anything again - not sure why you so proud of that incident.

That was the idea. I'm happy helping people doing stuff they can't do. But not just do it because they CBA, or they think it's man's work.

The only reason I actually did it was because I thought it would be useful experience in case I ever had to do it for real on the hard shoulder on the M6 in the pouring rain

zagfles

Kim_kim wrote: »

I don't do those things - but I don't need a man to do it either.
I pay to get those things done.

Seriously? You pay someone to check your tyre pressures every month? Or do you really think they only need checking once a year on an annual service :eek:

zagfles

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Never known a single woman like this in my life, who expects all this from men.

OK bit of exaggeration, but just look at this thread where certain posters get all irate at it being the expectation that the woman does the housework yet still expect the man to pay for the first date!

Start as you mean to go on. You want an equal relationship? Start equal.

zagfles

lily-rose wrote: »

this ^ i would agree that one of the most offputting things about a man (when i first meet him) would be stinginess. I don't expect a man to pay for everything indefinitely, and i would certainly be sharing long term, but if he expected me to pay for my own meal when he had asked me out, he wouldn't be getting a second date.

Call it sexist, double standards, whatever, i don't care, but when a man asks a woman on a date, he pays ... If she offers to pay half, very nice, but imo he should not accept. The last thing i would want in a man is someone with short arms and deep pockets. If i was asked out and he made me pay for myself, he would not see me again.

qed........

moneyistooshorttomention

Hermia wrote: »

I think the asker should offer to pay on the first date purely because they may not know the other person's financial situation. Especially as a well-off person may genuinely not realise that their choice might be considered too expensive for a lot of people. I think going for a coffee for a first date is a great idea. After that both people should be contributing.

I'm one generation back from the Dating Game now basically - ie Baby Boomer Generation (early 60s). So bear that in mind...

But I would still think it's a useful rule of thumb to basically go by this. I expected that first dates would just be a couple of drinks in a pub and that the man would pay for that (after all - it was only a couple of drinks). I didn't tend to expect to be taken out for a meal until several dates into the relationship. I regarded it as "turn and turn about" by virtue of he would treat me to meals out sometimes and, in return, I would cook him a meal at my place (of the "bit nicer than normal" variety) in return. On subsequent just "going for drinks" type dates - I'd offer at intervals to buy a round for us both (which may or may not have been accepted - usually was).


Bear in mind that I'm in a generation where it was still the case that many women earned less than their "equivalent male" and I was always on a "womans" wage, rather than a "persons wage" - so I was a lot worse off than a lot of the men I knew personally:(. I was on a salary that would probably equate to only £16k-£18k these days (after it had been cut one way and another from the around £25k I would have expected it to be) and the men I went out with (not deliberately I hasten to add....) would tend to be more likely to be on £30k upwards these days.

zagfles

burnoutbabe wrote: »

Its online dating, if the rule was "the asker must pay" well then no one would suggest a meet up would they?

Just go for drinks and you buy a round and then its their turn. If i was out with anyone and they refused to buy the 2nd round (drinks/coffee) after i got the first one, it would just be so rude. Its the same as people not buying rounds in the pub when its their turn.

I remember a previous thread on here when several women were trying to make out it was all about the "asker" paying rather than the man. They tied themselves in knots that time too;)

Don't know how online dating works but surely it's mutually agreed rather than one asking the other?