Paying the bill when dating

AubreyMac

Lily-Rose wrote: »

My daughter said some of the most sexist men that she and her pals know are the ones who are their generation (18-28,) and the gentlemen who offer to do things for them are older men (over 40.)

Do you think mothers (yes, women again!) are to blame somewhat?


My mother does everything for my brother and he's in his early 40s. she will not do the same for the girls though. This however is a cultural and generational thing.


My last boyfriend was, in my opinion, pampered by his mother and family. Each birthday and Christmas he got new clothes and even shoes so he never really needed to shop for himself. Whenever he was in a bad situation they would automatically jump in to take over.


A friend of mine broke up her partner earlier this year. She's divorced with 2 kids but he has never lived with anyone before since he moved out so was not understanding and very judgemental at how hard she found it to keep a full time job, running a home and raising 2 kids by herself. He still took his washing to his mums.

Lily-Rose_3

AubreyMac wrote: »

Do you think mothers (yes, women again!) are to blame somewhat?

My mother does everything for my brother and he's in his early 40s. she will not do the same for the girls though. This however is a cultural and generational thing.

My last boyfriend was, in my opinion, pampered by his mother and family. Each birthday and Christmas he got new clothes and even shoes so he never really needed to shop for himself. Whenever he was in a bad situation they would automatically jump in to take over.

A friend of mine broke up her partner earlier this year. She's divorced with 2 kids but he has never lived with anyone before since he moved out so was not understanding and very judgemental at how hard she found it to keep a full time job, running a home and raising 2 kids by herself. He still took his washing to his mums.

Probably! I know that in the past, virtually all the boys in my extended family (my brother, male cousins, uncles, nephews,) didn't ever do housework. Same with boys in families of neighbours and friends and acquaintances; (not all but most... ) They were encouraged to be the breadwinner/get on the career ladder/be a high achiever etc, whilst the girls seemed to be encouraged to 'keep house.'

I guess more girls are encouraged these days to have a career (but even then some are led to believe their job is to 'keep house.') We have definitely encouraged our daughter to see the world, and forge a career, and we have happily supported her through uni. And I think quite a number of parents have done the same. But still, some of these young women are now having to cope with young men who have been mollycoddled by their mothers, and haven't been made to do anything. (As I said, not all, but most...)

So it's now up to them to try and teach the men who have been raised like this, to learn that housework and associated chores should be shared; so when they do get married/live with someone, they don't end up as a skivvy.

PeacefulWaters

So many generalisations here.

Lily-Rose_3

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

So many generalisations here.

Whenever anyone comes out with this old chestnut, 'what a load of generalisations;' the 'generalisations' are almost always true and accurate.

This is one of those times. Most men do not do housework and chores, (and the ones that do, don't do much,) and most women don't raise their sons to do it. Fact.

AubreyMac

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Most men do not do housework and chores, (and the ones that do, don't do much,)

And they don't often do it properly or thoroughly either.

indiepanda

jamiehelsinki wrote: »

I'm way out of touch here (late 30's and single for the first time since my early 20's) with up to date rules of dating but my question is who pays for what and when.

I've been on pof a few months now and had a few dates from it. I have generally enjoyed it, met some nice women, had a few good nights out, met a few not so nice but it's helped me get my confidence back with women.

I generally always offer to pay on the first date and it's rarely declined but at what point should the woman start offering to pay or pick up her half of the bill occasionally?

Second question if the date was quite an expensive one for a first date, venue suggested by the woman and you didn't like her from the off or she wasn't what she seemed to be online, should you just pay your half and let her pay for herself?

I know there's no right or wrong answer just curious what other people's perspectives are on this?

Thanks, Jamie

I have done quite a bit of internet dating and my preference is do something cheap that doesn't have to last all evening - coffee or a drink in a pub, and if you get on well you can always have another.

I would always rather pay my way. If a guy makes a big deal about wanting to pay then I wouldn't make a scene by insisting on paying my share, but to be honest I consider it's a bad thing if a guy is old fashioned about these things as I wonder what else he is going to be old fashioned about - like if we lived together expecting me to do more than my fair share of the housework.

The longest relationship I had internet dating (nearly two years) on our first date we went for a walk along the river and then to a pub where we ended up saying all night. He got the first drink and offered to get me another after, I straight away said no, my turn and that's the way things carried on thereafter. We took it in turns to pay when went out for meals - he had the attitude that even if sometimes that meant one of us paid a bit more one time, it would come out in the wash in the end, and that was fine with me.

We didn't tend to go that expensive places as he earned less than me and wouldn't have felt comfortable with me paying more than half the time, and I didn't mind as I am not that fond of really fancy places.

As for expensive first dates, if they happen then it's not of my choosing. The last guy I went out with wanted to go to the cinema but then chose the most expensive cinema I have ever been to and then took me for dinner first, and refused to even let me buy the drinks in the cinema and it took away some of my enjoyment of the date as I don't like being in someone's debt.

Of course, what came out later in our short relationship was that he didn't have that much money but still liked to spend on lavish things and really hated the fact I earned more than him. He would say things like "I am not your equal" as if money determines who you are as a person not just reflects what work you do. It was one of many things that led to me splitting with him - his attitude to money rather than earning power.

Don't get me wrong, would be nice to be with someone who earned similar to me - makes it easier - but since I started full time work I haven't ever dated someone who earned the same and I certainly wouldn't limit myself by insisting on it now. Quite hard enough to find someone I fancy who enjoys doing similar stuff to me and feels the same about me, without getting picky about their salary.

AubreyMac

indiepanda wrote: »

Don't get me wrong, would be nice to be with someone who earned similar to me - makes it easier - but since I started full time work I haven't ever dated someone who earned the same and I certainly wouldn't limit myself by insisting on it now. Quite hard enough to find someone I fancy who enjoys doing similar stuff to me and feels the same about me, without getting picky about their salary.

I've been advised to not go with someone with less assets than me - mind you, not that I have a lot.


I think it will be extremely difficult to find a asset or earning match as that can change over years - so he may earn more than me but in years time this can reverse.


My last boyfriend earned twice the amount I did but throughout our relationship I paid more for us as he had more essential outgoings - child support payments, private rent, student loan, commute etc. I had minimal outgoings and was within walking distance to my workplace back then.

Dird

AubreyMac wrote: »

I have short hair

Stopping cutting it then unless you bat for the other side. Shoulder length minimum :P

zagfles

Lily-Rose wrote: »

This ^ Agree with unholyangel wholeheartedly. It's a total myth that modern men aren't like that (by 'modern' I assume you mean younger kimkim?) They are not not all like that of course, but then not all men who are middle aged and older are like that either!

My daughter said some of the most sexist men that she and her pals know are the ones who are their generation (18-28,) and the gentlemen who offer to do things for them are older men (over 40.)

My niece was telling me the other day that her boyfriend (26,) who she lives with is a lovely lad, he rarely complains about anything, thinks the world of her, and has bought her some lovely gifts for her birthdays and Christmases. But even HE has this mindset that the woman does the housework, and comes out with the hilarious chestnuts that every woman loves... 'I've taken out the trash for you,' 'I've done the washing up for you,' etc etc.

And if she comes in from doing a bit of shopping, he informs her that he has done the hoovering and dusting, and tidied the kitchen cupboards. Like he has done her a favour. My hubby does this sometimes too. In fact, this does seem to be a 'man' thing! I can never figure out if they want compliments or a medal for it, or whether they are saying 'I've done it because YOU didn't do it.' Either way, why mention it?!

Anyway, going off topic here. My niece is literally having to educate her boyfriend to help him learn that housework and associated chores is NOT THE WOMAN'S RESPONSIBILITY. She works too, so why should it all be up to her?!

Yeah you get some people who are old fashioned and expect men and women to behave traditionally. You get others who want equality in everything.

But the worst sort are the hypocrites who expect men to be "chivalrous", work long hours, pay for everything, service the car, put up shelves and all the other "manly" stuff yet also expect him to do the housework as well! Or those who expect women to work full time and do all the childcare and housework as well.

A while ago we had a knock on the door - my wife answered - it was a female neighbour who asked if I was in. She had a flat tyre (car on drive), and wanted me to change it. Not help, or advise, but do it all myself. Not because she wasn't capable, but because she "didn't want to get dirty". So it's OK if I get dirty then? Fine! And she was a union equality rep!

I told her I'd be knocking on her door next time my wife was away and I needed a shirt ironed. She went a bit of a strange colour but didn't really know what to say :rotfl:

Loz01

Im a girl and I would always offer to split the bill if I was on a date, especially a first date where I didn't really know the person!!! If you've been dating a while and one person offers to pay, thats fine, or obviously if you're in a relationship then you can do as you please. But at the start I think its just fair to offer half of the bill.