Paying the bill when dating

Dird

penguingirl wrote: »

but I really can't imagine being so offended/passive aggressive about paying half. It's the 21st century!

It is the 21st century. These feminazis have made lots of women feel self-entitled https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAfWm7oidhU

jamiehelsinki

I guess the answer is then pay for the introduction meet, pay for the first proper date and possibly the one after that, by the 4th date let the woman start to pay occasionally. If they don't like it then it's probably a lucky escape anyway.

I know it sounds tight even asking the question but with internet dating you seem to end up going on quite a few dates as opposed to the old fashioned way when you might occasionally go on a date. The costs do mount up with drinks, meals, taxis etc.

selement

ripplyuk wrote: »

A little chivalry doesn't mean the man expects the scenario you describe :rotfl:

Of course not, but why is one old fashioned assumption ok and not the other? I would never EXPECT someone to pay for me and refuse further dates with him because he didn't pay for me unless he had specifically said he would treat me or something (and then didn't)?

Stingy as I am if I offered to split and they said I didn't need to then I'd probably be pretty pleased, but if they said yes ok then I kinda think that's fair enough! Thats more about my own stingyness than feeling 'the man' ought to pay, same would go if I was out with a friend tbh! If a friend invites you out for food do you assume they're paying?

I think penguingirl has the right attitude.

SailorSam

ripplyuk wrote: »

I would always expect the man to pay on a first date, and on the second and third dates at least. I would offer to split the cost, but if they accepted my offer, I wouldn't see them again. I'm not saying it's right, or wrong, just the way I was brought up I guess. I would find it deeply unattractive if a man let me pay.

I'm a bit younger than the OP but clearly I'm old fashioned. I met my partner many years ago but my views on it would be the same if I was dating today.

Even after years together, I know my partner would be embarrassed if I got my wallet out to pay in a restaurant or somewhere public. And I love that about him .

Ripply do you work ?
Does your partner earn a lot more than you do ?

zagfles

jamiehelsinki wrote: »

I guess the answer is then pay for the introduction meet, pay for the first proper date and possibly the one after that, by the 4th date let the woman start to pay occasionally. If they don't like it then it's probably a lucky escape anyway.

I know it sounds tight even asking the question but with internet dating you seem to end up going on quite a few dates as opposed to the old fashioned way when you might occasionally go on a date. The costs do mount up with drinks, meals, taxis etc.

This is MSE! If you're not "tight", you shouldn't be here Mind you having said that there seems to be lots of posters on this board who hardly ever post about money or money saving...

But seriously - what sort of woman are you after? A modern 21st century woman who is independant and self confident, who will act as and treat you an an equal, or a 1950's romantic novel woman who expects you to open car doors for her and lay your coat in puddles?

jamiehelsinki

zagfles wrote: »

This is MSE! If you're not "tight", you shouldn't be here Mind you having said that there seems to be lots of posters on this board who hardly ever post about money or money saving...

But seriously - what sort of woman are you after? A modern 21st century woman who is independant and self confident, who will act as and treat you an an equal, or a 1950's romantic novel woman who expects you to open car doors for her and lay your coat in puddles?

I use money saving expert for getting the best deals on what I want as opposed to living as cheap as possible, I think quite a few are like me.

I think I'm looking for a woman who I find attractive, is in my age range, non smoking, who I get on with and I find is a fair person. I doubt I would ever open a car door for a able bodied woman.

Lily-Rose_3

Jamiehelsinki wrote: »

I generally think most people have a level when it comes to looks and very attractive is out if my league. Anyway if the very attractive women on pof wanted to message me there's nothing stopping them.

I don't find short hair attractive, the whole world is shallow when it comes to looks, women as much as men. You only have to read the female profiles to see that. Some women might avoid men with long hair or bald, what's the difference?

Trial and error of being on there has told me to avoid profiles with bikini shots and lots of selfies of course again there's nothing stopping them messaging me!

I know you sound fussy and a wee bit shallow, but you are right that most people do have their preferences and 'deal-breakers.' I mean, I used to know a colleague of my husband's who wanted a woman who was blonde, between 5 foot 4 and 5 foot 7, size 8 to 10, small nose, blue eyes, can't smoke, can't swear, can't break wind. :rotfl:

And she must have a job in the mid 5 figures (£40-50K,) have her own car, and not be timid and not outspoken. He literally had the most ludicrous set of demands.

He on the other hand, was 5 ft 8, worked 16 hours a week on a checkout, drove his mother's car, lived with his parents, and looked like Oliver Hardy.

I'm not saying there is anything inherently wrong with working part time on checkout or living with folks, but he couldn't seriously expect a woman like his 'ideal woman' to want to date him.

Many men require slim, petite, polite, non-smokers, non-swearers, with long glossy blonde hair, short skirts, great legs, high heels, who won't talk back, and who will laugh at all of his 'jokes.' The reality is that 95% of men will not get a woman like that. The small minority of women who are like this will be gunning for men who are wealthy, who have a good career, and who look like this...



Fact is, most men who require women like I described look like this...



Thing is OP, the sort of woman you require may possibly not even be interested in you anyway. As I said, very very few people get the man or woman that they consider 'ideal.' This is real life, not Hollywood or the land of celebrities.

selement wrote: »

These old fashioned women - I wonder how they'd feel if they got married to these men who pay for the dates and their husband expected them to do all the housework, give up their career and raise babies! Nothing wrong with choosing to do that but the expectation may be considered a little offensive?

:huh:

ripplyuk wrote: »

A little chivalry doesn't mean the man expects the scenario you describe :rotfl:

As ripply says, why would a man expect a woman to be a slave and a skivvy, just because she felt it chivalrous for him to pay for the first day that HE asked her on?!

zagfles

jamiehelsinki wrote: »

I use money saving expert for getting the best deals on what I want as opposed to living as cheap as possible, I think quite a few are like me.

I did add a , no need to take that bit so seriously!

I think I'm looking for a woman who I find attractive, is in my age range, non smoking, who I get on with and I find is a fair person.

Do you really think it's "fair" to pay for the first 3 dates?

I doubt I would ever open a car door for a able bodied woman.

Some women do actually like that sort of thing (some on here it seems!) Others would be offended at being treated like an invalid.

If you act in the way you think is right, fair and proper, then you'll eliminate early on women who have a different wordview and with whom you won't likely forge a successful relationship.

On the other hand, if you're after a several meaningless quick leg-overs, buy an expensive suit, get a flah car and book expensive restaurants and pay for everything - date shallow women and move on to the next (please note the !).

jamiehelsinki

My only really picky requirement is I don't like short hair, I hardly think I'm limited my options with this one, plenty of women don't have short hair.

Age range 33-43 is fair I think.(I'm in the middle).

I have a full head of hair cut every 2/3weeks, full set of white teeth, 30 inch waste, I keep myself fit, can hold a decent conversation, I'm not a total gremlin to look at. Lol

Anyway I'm getting a decent response rate to my messages, and enough dates to keep me happy so I don't think my expectations are way off.

My question wasn't why can't I get a date it was when is it okay not to pay.

Someone asked if I would be okay to pay for a third date, if I liked the woman and felt I wasn't being taken for a ride I probably would be.
There was one woman I met who I think I met to soon, I do believe if I had met her in 6 months time it might have gone somewhere it had that spark and excitement you rarely get but she was new to dating again and still had issues from her past to sort out.

ripplyuk

SailorSam wrote: »

Ripply do you work ?
Does your partner earn a lot more than you do ?

I do work, though my partner earns much more than me.

However, when I say my partner pays for everything when we're out, I mean just in public. We work out our money together at home and I contribute. It just wouldn't feel right at all, for either of us, if we were out for a meal or something and I went up and paid. I'd be mortified, and so would he.

I think a primitive part of me believes the saying 'Men provide, Women nurture'. I'm not old fashioned in other ways. I certainly don't think women should be forced to stay at home or anything like that.

It's not about taking advantage or gold-digging. I've supported my partner when he was out of work for lengthy periods. It's whatever works for the couple really. As long as they're both happy.