Paying the bill when dating

zagfles

indiepanda wrote: »

I have done quite a bit of internet dating and my preference is do something cheap that doesn't have to last all evening - coffee or a drink in a pub, and if you get on well you can always have another.

I would always rather pay my way. If a guy makes a big deal about wanting to pay then I wouldn't make a scene by insisting on paying my share, but to be honest I consider it's a bad thing if a guy is old fashioned about these things as I wonder what else he is going to be old fashioned about - like if we lived together expecting me to do more than my fair share of the housework.

The longest relationship I had internet dating (nearly two years) on our first date we went for a walk along the river and then to a pub where we ended up saying all night. He got the first drink and offered to get me another after, I straight away said no, my turn and that's the way things carried on thereafter. We took it in turns to pay when went out for meals - he had the attitude that even if sometimes that meant one of us paid a bit more one time, it would come out in the wash in the end, and that was fine with me.

We didn't tend to go that expensive places as he earned less than me and wouldn't have felt comfortable with me paying more than half the time, and I didn't mind as I am not that fond of really fancy places.

As for expensive first dates, if they happen then it's not of my choosing. The last guy I went out with wanted to go to the cinema but then chose the most expensive cinema I have ever been to and then took me for dinner first, and refused to even let me buy the drinks in the cinema and it took away some of my enjoyment of the date as I don't like being in someone's debt.

Of course, what came out later in our short relationship was that he didn't have that much money but still liked to spend on lavish things and really hated the fact I earned more than him. He would say things like "I am not your equal" as if money determines who you are as a person not just reflects what work you do. It was one of many things that led to me splitting with him - his attitude to money rather than earning power.

Don't get me wrong, would be nice to be with someone who earned similar to me - makes it easier - but since I started full time work I haven't ever dated someone who earned the same and I certainly wouldn't limit myself by insisting on it now. Quite hard enough to find someone I fancy who enjoys doing similar stuff to me and feels the same about me, without getting picky about their salary.

Yeah a lot of men seem to have a hang up about their wife/partner earning more - gawd knows why - I'd love it if my wife earned more than me!

The man doesn't have to earn more, or be taller, the woman doesn't have to be chained to the kitchen sink and be quiet and demure - some people really need dragging into the 21st century kicking and screaming!

Of course if being traditional suits you - fine - but don't expect it of others!

justme111

it could be that your neighbour was in a relationship where a man done all the diy so she did not lnow how to do it herself, I betany women do not know. Doubt she said it like that :"I could do it but do not want to get dirty", likely it is your interpretation. I do not think it is fair to compare ironing and change of tyre , the latter happens like once a decade if ever while the former often is done on a weekly basis so a person is far more likely to know to iron than to change tyre. While I lived with my ex I have not even changed a light bulb ever as we had a labour division - diy was his , paperwork was mostly mine, housework was between two with bigger share of it being mine. So after divorce I struggled and if I was your neighbour I would have made sure I never asked you anything again - not sure why you so proud of that incident.

Lily-Rose_3

justme111 wrote: »

it could be that your neighbour was in a relationship where a man done all the diy so she did not know how to do it herself, I bet any women do not know. Doubt she said it like that :"I could do it but do not want to get dirty", likely it is your interpretation.

I do not think it is fair to compare ironing and change of tyre , the latter happens like once a decade if ever while the former often is done on a weekly basis so a person is far more likely to know to iron than to change tyre.

While I lived with my ex I have not even changed a light bulb ever as we had a labour division - diy was his , paperwork was mostly mine, housework was between two with bigger share of it being mine. So after divorce I struggled and if I was your neighbour I would have made sure I never asked you anything again - not sure why you so proud of that incident.

Please tell me you don't drive - ever...... :eek:

Marvel1

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Please tell me you don't drive - ever...... :eek:

Next thing, it's never checked the tyre pressure, tread, water and oil levels.

Kim_kim

cjdavies wrote: »

Next thing, it's never checked the tyre pressure, tread, water and oil levels.

I don't do those things - but I don't need a man to do it either.
I pay to get those things done.

If I was looking for a partner I would prefer someone of a similar income. I don't need anyone to keep me, but I'm not subsiding anyone either! It's easer if you have similar incomes for leisure & holiday choices.

FatVonD

OP, I think it depends on whether you want a relationship where you are always expected to pay the lion's share of everything. If you don't then you might as well find out sooner rather than later if your date is expecting that to happen.

Why pay for the first three meals, what happens then if/when she isn't forthcoming or refuses to pay for herself after three dates? Will you feel like you've been taken for a ride?

If you want a partner that is going to share the expense of dating then take them to a coffee shop on the first date and buy the first coffee. When it comes to the second cup see if they offer, if they don't you've saved yourself the time and money of having to pay for them on a more expensive date.

Lily-Rose_3

zagfles wrote: »

Yeah you get some people who are old fashioned and expect men and women to behave traditionally. You get others who want equality in everything.

But the worst sort are the hypocrites who expect men to be "chivalrous", work long hours, pay for everything, service the car, put up shelves and all the other "manly" stuff yet also expect him to do the housework as well! Or those who expect women to work full time and do all the childcare and housework as well.

A while ago we had a knock on the door - my wife answered - it was a female neighbour who asked if I was in. She had a flat tyre (car on drive), and wanted me to change it. Not help, or advise, but do it all myself. Not because she wasn't capable, but because she "didn't want to get dirty". So it's OK if I get dirty then? Fine! And she was a union equality rep!

I told her I'd be knocking on her door next time my wife was away and I needed a shirt ironed. She went a bit of a strange colour but didn't really know what to say :rotfl:

Never known a single woman like this in my life, who expects all this from men.

Known plenty of men who expect women to work and still do all the housework and childcare though!

And a woman who knew perfectly well how to change a tyre came and asked you to do it because 'she didn't want to get dirty,' and went into shock when you said you will ask her to iron a shirt when your wife is away?

cjdavies wrote: »

Next thing, it's never checked the tyre pressure, tread, water and oil levels.

:rotfl::rotfl::T

jamiehelsinki

FatVonD wrote: »

OP, I think it depends on whether you want a relationship where you are always expected to pay the lion's share of everything. If you don't then you might as well find out sooner rather than later if your date is expecting that to happen.

Why pay for the first three meals, what happens then if/when she isn't forthcoming or refuses to pay for herself after three dates? Will you feel like you've been taken for a ride?

If you want a partner that is going to share the expense of dating then take them to a coffee shop on the first date and buy the first coffee. When it comes to the second cup see if they offer, if they don't you've saved yourself the time and money of having to pay for them on a more expensive date.

I will just smile, pay my half and wish her good luck for the future.

I don't mind paying for the first few dates if it's expected I just wanted other people's perspectives on it and know when to back off on picking up the tab.

ripplyuk

FatVonD wrote: »

If you want a partner that is going to share the expense of dating then take them to a coffee shop on the first date and buy the first coffee. When it comes to the second cup see if they offer, if they don't you've saved yourself the time and money of having to pay for them on a more expensive date.

OP, I'd say not to go by this advice, or you'll be discounting a lot of potentially lovely partners. Plenty of women see a man's generosity at the beginning of a relationship as a sign of whether they really are interested in them or not. It doesn't mean they're going to take advantage financially later. Quibbling over the price of a cup of coffee would be offputting to say the least.

If paying for a meal, or even a coffee at the beginning of a relationship is becoming expensive, maybe it'd be best to be more fussy about who you take out. Perhaps get to know them better by email first.

Lily-Rose_3

ripplyuk wrote: »

OP, I'd say not to go by this advice, or you'll be discounting a lot of potentially lovely partners. Plenty of women see a man's generosity at the beginning of a relationship as a sign of whether they really are interested in them or not. It doesn't mean they're going to take advantage financially later. Quibbling over the price of a cup of coffee would be offputting to say the least.

If paying for a meal, or even a coffee at the beginning of a relationship is becoming expensive, maybe it'd be best to be more fussy about who you take out. Perhaps get to know them better by email first.

This ^ I would agree that one of the most offputting things about a man (when I first meet him) would be stinginess. I don't expect a man to pay for everything indefinitely, and I would certainly be sharing long term, but if he expected me to pay for my own meal when he had asked ME out, he wouldn't be getting a second date.

Call it sexist, double standards, whatever, I don't care, but when a man asks a woman on a date, he pays ... If she offers to pay half, very nice, but IMO he should not accept. The last thing I would want in a man is someone with short arms and deep pockets. If I was asked out and he made me pay for myself, he would not see me again.