OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

annandale

I'm just expressing my opinion. The same way you are yours.

BTW. If I didn't want anyone to have access to my credit report. I wouldn't give them access to my log in information.

kelpie35

So pleased to hear that your job is going well. That surely will help build up your confidence.

From the sounds of things, he is still trying to control you, please don't give in to his demands.

You are now a person in your own right, you make decisions that suit you.

I know you are worried about a roof over your head for you and your children, but remember it take the both of you to agree to sell up.

If you don't feel comfortable with that decision, don't get into any arguments about it, just say you will stay till the time is right for you to move.

In time you will find peace and security, just be patient and keep strong.

Take care

Newly_retired

Not sure whether this has been mentioned before, but have you considered family mediation? This is not a ploy to get you back together, it is a way of reaching a compromise over finances. In fact, I think you are obliged to have attempted mediation before going to court. It saves money.

springdreams

In some divorces the soon to be ex-husband is liable for all legal expenses, including those of the soon to be ex-wife.

If might be worth checking with your solicitor OP whether you can shift responsibility for your legal fees to your husband. Normally I don't support this, but in this case your OH sounds like he needs to be taught a lesson or two!

In another thread relating to divorce JackRS had to pay his ex-wife's solicitor's fees ... She didn't work through a large part of the marriage, and only got a part time job when divorce became a reality. So although she was working she didn't have to fund her legal fees.

Maybe this is what your husband is worried about, which could be one of the reasons he is trying to rush you.

justme111

One of the rare cases where I agree with guest.
How dare the chap to want to sort out his life and get out of sharing while his son needs home to come back from uni!
Your ex would have to keep living in a houseshare because you have not even considered the option of renting. How about moving out yourself and letting ex to move back into marital home - if you that concerned about stressing your daughter in exam years? You must be outraged about this suggestion but insist that it is the right one when the shoe is on another foot. You may say "but it is he who wanted divorce"- when division of assets happens it does not matter who was an initiator of break up.
On a different note it is great that you feeling well at your job and I think it is a brilliant idea not getting full time but two part time ones; none of us have thought of it as a solution back then when we were given you ideas on how to proceed , you figured it out yourself.

zippy1997

Guest101 wrote: »

That's where full disclosure comes in to it.

Nope, not opening his post. I want him to change his credit cards to the new address. Having any post here is just more of a reminder.

kelpie35

Zippy Please ensure that any money you get goes into your own bank account.

If you still have access to the joint account please take out money to cover food and petrol.

As for mail addressed to him just put on the envelope nol longer at this address, if he has not redirected his mail by this time next week.

You are in control now.

Don't ask him, tell him all the things that need to be done and put a time limit on it. If these are not done, you take control and do what suits you.

zippy1997

This is the thing. I don't want an argument, I don't like confrontation. I want to try to sort this out by talking but he's going down the route of emails and solicitors.

We both have ideas, we've put them down in writing, my ideas he ignored, his ones are the only ones that seem to matter. Ignoring the fact the kids aren't kids as such - why shouldn't they want a home? Somewhere to know they can come back to? 18 doesn't mean they're not our responsibility any more. Shouldn't HE be concerned where they'll live afterwards? He's not even trying to suggest alternatives, just sell and we move on.

I spend most days looking online trying to sort out a solution to this, it's difficult. I've looked into renting, which seems to be throwing money down a drain. If I rent I know I'll never get back on the property ladder. And yes while there are good stories about renting, there also bad ones, which I admit scare me. I've looked into shared equity, loans, you name it. I also spend time looking at jobs online, applied for a few. Nothing happening there.

I understand he wants to move on, live a separate life. I do. But saying is easier than doing for me. I'm still emotionally invested, which I shouldn't be, just not that easy. He's not. He sees this as simple which I don't think after 20 yrs it is.

The bike is still in the garage because it won't start. He needs to pay someone to come and collect it so he can then fix it. It would take a couple of days for him to fix and he can't do that here (we both agreed on that, with him taking the lead).

I am mad because we spent money on that pile of metal when we needed to really buy a new (used) car (yes to replace the one I drive) but no I gave in on that and I shouldn't have done. He wanted the bike to save money in the good weather, well the weather is pretty damn good now and he should be using it but he can't. It's a decent bike but he didn't bother to get it serviced and sorted out but now it'll cost more.

Yes compromise is the issue here. But how do you do that with someone who doesn't want to do that? Wants it all his own way no matter what? Won't try to figure things out, solution's. Sees the debts as NOW a problem when for yrs I've suggested sorting them out and he wanted nothing to do with it?!?! That's why I'm mad (about a lot of things). Now it suits him he wants to deal with them.
This whole thing has been on his timescale. Why shouldn't I want some control over what happens next? If that's selfish then OK, I'll be selfish. Not ashamed to say that. Won't apologise for it.

zippy1997

kelpie35 wrote: »

Zippy Please ensure that any money you get goes into your own bank account.

My wages go into my account yes.

If you still have access to the joint account please take out money to cover food and petrol.

We agreed my wages cover my petrol, car ins, car tax, my phone and food plus any other small incidentals for me and DD. I have no issue with that.

As for mail addressed to him just put on the envelope no longer at this address, if he has not redirected his mail by this time next week.

As they're mainly credit card statements now I'm reluctant to do that. I'd rather ask him to change the address. If the debt is seen as joint I don't want to cause issues there.

You are in control now.

Yes and no. He's still holding all the purse strings. I feel now he's made his latest feelings known anything I say will be forwarded to his solicitor (probably quite rightly) so I can't be honest how I feel. I'm worried about rocking the boat. I will see my SOL and go from there.

Don't ask him, tell him all the things that need to be done and put a time limit on it. If these are not done, you take control and do what suits you.

That's where I fail. I'm no good at ultimatums and I feel I shouldn't have to. The bike, for instance, should be something he wants to do, mainly as it was his bloomin' idea to save cash. The cards he should want in his own name. He collects all his post when he picks up DD (every 3 weeks).


I don't want issues here. I really don't.

zippy1997

springdreams wrote: »

In some divorces the soon to be ex-husband is liable for all legal expenses, including those of the soon to be ex-wife.

If might be worth checking with your solicitor OP whether you can shift responsibility for your legal fees to your husband. Normally I don't support this, but in this case your OH sounds like he needs to be taught a lesson or two!

In another thread relating to divorce JackRS had to pay his ex-wife's solicitor's fees ... She didn't work through a large part of the marriage, and only got a part time job when divorce became a reality. So although she was working she didn't have to fund her legal fees.

Maybe this is what your husband is worried about, which could be one of the reasons he is trying to rush you.

We've agreed legal fees are our own. I don't want him to cover mine. For me it's more about the fact he knows I haven't got a big wage and can't afford more than is necessary. He knows I need a car, I'm not just going out buy shoes and handbags. He can do more overtime to cover more fees. I can't. His bonus will cover a large chunk of any fees.