OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

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Hi
I have been a regular here under another username but am using this one for some anonymity. Although saying that it doesn't really matter I suppose! (I did have another login but can't remember the password! or email used!)

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 3 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend.
Fast forward to this morning when I receive another email from OH saying the same as the first but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.
We have a mortgage of 85K (for 11 yrs to run), debts of 45k. The house is worth about 280,000 so plenty of equity there.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have no job. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr contract about 10 yrs ago at a childrens nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day.
OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money.
Thank you.
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Comments

  • whitewing
    whitewing Posts: 11,852 Forumite
    First Post First Anniversary Combo Breaker
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    See a solicitor as they can advise on the money split from the marriage. It is important that you are valued appropriately and that can be hard to do yourself.

    Focus on keeping some Christmas magic moments for your family. (Even if you don't feel like it. You may be surprised by how your children feel, especially the oldest.)

    Go day by day. You will probably feel pressure to sort things quickly but most decisions can take a few days.

    Sorry that you are having to deal with this situation.
    :heartsmil When you find people who not only tolerate your quirks but celebrate them with glad cries of "Me too!" be sure to cherish them. Because these weirdos are your true family.
  • zippy1997
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    I have just found another email in my gmail account (which is an emergency account I don't check) from last week from him.

    Why he couldn't actually talk to me is beyond me. If we need to sort it out I understand that. I should have asked him I know, but part of me was ignoring it thinking our talk on the phone had helped. And he then didn't say anything so I assumed the best. As it were.

    Thank you for your comments whitewing. OH is a good man so won't rush this. Right now I don't know what the heck to do or feel. My whole life is down the pan.
    The trouble is without having a job right now I bring nothing to the marriage. OH pays for everything and owns everything.

    Even with a job - part-time probably (hopefully) - in the future I still won't be able to afford the house/bills/debts.

    I have mentioned suicide to OH in the past but he's just told me to go see the drs. This right now is top of my thoughts. I know it won't help but it's there. Also I am a coward so wouldn't actually do it. Which he knows I think. (I had post natal depression with my 1st but that seemed to resolved itself). Although since then my outlook on life has been very negative. But that's another story! Sorry.
  • Caroline_a
    Caroline_a Posts: 4,071 Forumite
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    It's perfectly feasible to work with a dog - I have 2 dogs and work fulltime. My job is close enough to home to pop home to let them out.

    Look around for courses suitable for women returning to work. There used to be quite a lot of them, but I don't know if there still are. Running a home takes a lot of skills that are useful in a work environment, so you will be able to sell yourself by citing these.

    Please don't try to blackmail your husband by threatening suicide - it won't help and will only serve to make him more determined to make the break. If you feel that you are genuinely suicidal then see your GP.

    Certainly see a solicitor for proper information about the financial side of the breakup.

    Why not look upon this as a huge opportunity? Time for you, time for you to take control of your life, and to do the things you want to do! What job did you do before you had the children? Do you want to go back to that type of work? Is it feasible? How about going back to education? The world is your oyster! Your children are all but left home and those who are still dependent will be paid for by maintenance from your husband.

    You weren't really happy before so embrace what could be a whole new beginning!
  • zippy1997
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    Oh no, no no, I've never tried to blackmail him about suicide. It was a genuine emotion when I told him (while ago, not mentioned since). I had bad PMS and used to go on wild rants and really felt like it. I've got a little better cutting out caffeine etc..
  • Andrew_Ryan_89
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    Things will work out. Even if it's selling the house and splitting the money we you finding council housing, things will work out. Keep your head up, take a deep breath and try work things out in a logical way. I know the house and bills are a concern but just think worst case scenario. You're not going to end up on the streets.

    Just for peace of mind, do you have parents or other family you could possibly stay with?
  • zippy1997
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    Thank you for comments Caroline_a. I should look at this positively but it's tough right now. i just feel sick!

    I was a clerical assistant for both jobs. The first one was for 8 yrs straight from school. I'm pretty good with a computer but we didn't work with spreadsheets or powerpoints or Excel when I was at work so that's a mystery to me now!
    I suppose I am scared of change. Always have been. I have never had ambitions either. Just a job to pay the bills. That's my problem I think. I wouldn't even mind a physical job or in a supermarket.
  • zippy1997
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    Things will work out. Even if it's selling the house and splitting the money we you finding council housing, things will work out. Keep your head up, take a deep breath and try work things out in a logical way. I know the house and bills are a concern but just think worst case scenario. You're not going to end up on the streets.

    Just for peace of mind, do you have parents or other family you could possibly stay with?
    Thanks. Living with family isn't really possible, my Dad lives about an hour away, although has a 3 bed house to himself now Mum has gone. But he's set in his ways and we'd kill each other! My sister and BIL really have their own lives going on so that wouldn't work ether. Although they'd help with anything I ask.

    My OH wants to work things out smoothly so hopefully we can do that and take our time. I will ask for his help with a job/CV as he's good with that stuff.
  • annandale
    annandale Posts: 1,469 Forumite
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    There is something very wrong when you communicate wanting a divorce via email. Seriously start talking to one another.
  • annandale
    annandale Posts: 1,469 Forumite
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    And you need proper legal advice if you are getting a divorce.
  • Tiddlywinks
    Tiddlywinks Posts: 5,777 Forumite
    I've been Money Tipped!
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    zippy1997 wrote: »
    I have mentioned suicide to OH in the past but he's just told me to go see the drs. This right now is top of my thoughts. I know it won't help but it's there. Also I am a coward so wouldn't actually do it. Which he knows I think. (I had post natal depression with my 1st but that seemed to resolved itself). Although since then my outlook on life has been very negative. But that's another story! Sorry.

    Threatening suicide (without meaning it) is just plan cruel and manipulative - emotional blackmail.

    Yes, you may be depressed so go and see a doctor. Doing nothing hasn't worked so far has it?

    You have to find a way to accept that change will happen - it's been on the cards for years from what you've described.

    This is an opportunity for a new start - to find something more fulfilling and not just ignoring the bad stuff. Taking control can actually be very liberating.

    But please stop with the emotional blackmail - it'll just make things ugly and that won't help anything.
    :hello:
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