OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

zippy1997

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

As to your daughter... please don't use her as an excuse to ask your husband to keep the status quo... that, again, is emotional blackmail. She is 16 and at college... old enough to accept that relationships break down sometimes.

Wanted to respond to this particularly.
I won't be asking my OH to keep the status quo because of our daughter, no. But I do feel I should be able to present my feelings on how I think she will react without anyone saying it's using emotional blackmail.
I have made my concerns known to him, both by email and in person tonight, and he agrees both the kids, specially our daughter who still lives at home, come first. Yes she is 16 and will understand but that won't make it any easier when her dad won't be around all the time. She will get used to it I know that, but we can try to make it as easy as possible from the beginning.

We don't fight, we are more than civil to each other, from the outside you wouldn't think anything was wrong (although the kids might not agree lately..). He has even helped me with 2 online applications tonight. (part of his job is interviewing people and checking over CV's etc. I asked and was happy to help).

We have agreed we need to talk about everything and work out the finances. Hopefully we can keep an open dialogue going from now on.

zippy1997

annandale wrote: »

It's good that you have talked. Also, don't despair about work. Things turn up. Im in my 40s and Ive retrained twice in recent years. Not out of choice but necessity.

Thank you. My sister earlier asked me what I wanted to do and honestly I have never really had any career ambitions. I see a job as a means to an end - although I do have to enjoy the job! I'm not an academic, so retraining could be tough!

zippy1997

Thank you for all the honest replies. Good and bad. I have and will continue to read them (and respond) as any advice is welcome.

annandale

There's jobs you can do without having to be academic. I've got a degree but the job I do right now is unskilled

duchy

zippy1997 wrote: »

Thank you. Not sure my attitude is any good right now, it still feels like a dream as he's not home from work yet.


I just want to be able to afford a roof over mine and my kids heads. Pay the bills. It's going to be tough with belt tightening I know but others do it so I should take some comfort in that
It's just being early 40's and starting again is a shocking reality. Completely!

It's not uncommon for a woman in her early forties to be returning to the workforce . It may not be the future you imagined but it is reality for many women .

I don't quite understand how you see living arrangements to be. With a child at uni and a child at college the best you could hope for is likely to be able to stay in the house til your daughter turns eighteen and then the house sold . With a fifty fifty split and marital debts to be deducted unless you live in a high value home with lots of equity then renting may be inevitable . No court will make provision for adult children as you have no legal obligation to house or support them once they are eighteen. As for bills ......pretty inevitable really.

So really you have two years or so to find employment or retrain. In some ways getting a qualification or even a degree might serve you better in the long term than taking a low paid job. Just something else to think about it. Ultimately a longer term well thought out plan rather than a knee jerk take the first job that fits in with the dog may serve you better.

annandale

A degree doesn't always help you get work. I know several people in jobs that have zero to do with the qualifications they have. Myself included

duchy

Indeed but a degree chosen at 18 with little idea of what you will do with it is a very different matter to a degree (or NVQ) chosen later in life with a view to a very particular area of employment is very different.

Lots of 18 year olds take arts or humanities degrees but most mature students tend to apply for something more vocational. My local uni has many mature students taking social science degrees with a view to employment in social work, teaching or careers in criminal justice for example as the degree profile is slanted in those directions.

Tuesday_Tenor

Would you consider care work?
It's a field that is well-used to taking on women returning to work.

Beware of poorly-run and poorly-resourced care homes and agencies where the work could be very stressful.

But in a well-run care home you could use all you general life skills, and they would provide both general training and hopefully, if you wanted, opportunities to work to NVQ qualifications.

You say you're not academic, so suggestions of degree-type study probably isn't reasonable. However, on this forum you're writing clearly so I would hazard a guess that keeping care records won't be a problem for you. Likewise the written side of basic vocational training should be within your capabilities. Those capabilities are probably greater than you recognise just at the moment.

As you've been out of paid work so long, I'd take anything you can get over the next 6 months: shop work, care work, bar work. ANY such job will build up you confidence, and will enable you to write more about communication skills, reliability, what you were responsible for, etc, on future CVs.

Good luck.

annandale

I didn't do my degree at 18. I did one at 20, postgrad at 26 and another at 34. Both post grads in similar fields of work but was made redundant and had to retrain. And both my postgrad degrees were for very specific qualifications,specialised if you like.

Still didn't stop redundancy hitting on more than one occasion

Degree can help you into work. No guarantee of keeping it.

duchy

Well isn't that the point.....to help the OP into work initially ?

In the current employment market redundancy is a fact of life in all sectors but with a qualification related to the areas she's seeking work her chances are better whether seeking a first job or a subsequent one .

Talking about getting made redundant before she has even found a job seems a bit unhelpful to be honest !