OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

FBaby

I would definitely start work before considering studying. Firstly because the most important aspect of it is your confidence, and it will be easier to get more confidence starting to work and then take on more responsibility than starting with studying where you will come out still feeling anxious about the prospect of working.

Secondly because there is no better way to know what type of job you might want to engage in, and therefore what sort of training you need to support it when you've started working.

From your posts, I get the feeling that you will really enjoy working. My suggestion would be to try to start with jobs that involves being around other people. It doesn't matter what it is to start with, but don't get complacent once you have your first job, take it as a first step to getting the perfect job you aspire to.

That whole process is something you will be able to share with your children too. As for your 16yo, it is highly likely that she knows that your relationship wasn't right and that her dad wasn't happy. Many teenagers are actually relieve when the separation takes place. What matters is that she doesn't feel she has to look after you emotionally, as this can be a very stressful burden, and that her father is not going to disappear from her life. Once she is reassured that neither will happen, she will probably move on much easier than you are anticipating.

Spendless

As your youngest is 16 and still at college, at the minute (unless you live in a UC area) you would be able to work 16 hours per week and have your income topped up via the tax credit system.

Don't rely on it because when your younger one leaves further education this income will stop, but for now, it might be quicker to find something part-time (retail, fast food place, bar work) which helps you making an adjustment in your life, whilst you look into studying options to gain up to date qualifications and full-time work.

Tiddlywinks

Spendless wrote: »

As your youngest is 16 and still at college, at the minute (unless you live in a UC area) you would be able to work 16 hours per week and have your income topped up via the tax credit system.

This is why our welfare system is in so much trouble - perfectly able, financially stable citizens should stand on their own two feet and not expect subsidies from the state.

The OP is fit, able bodied and has signficant equity in shared property. Her youngest is 16 and doesn't need a stay at home parent so why suggest that she work part time only and play the system?

Acquinas

I think you are very wrong to think that you bring nothing to the family financially. It sounds to me as if you have created the stable home environment that has enabled him to go out and earn, and that needs to be acknowledged. But what happens next puts you are risk of having inadequate earning potential while he maintains his. The situation sounds awful, though I'm not sure that it is necessarily that rare. Couples do grow apart and, while it sounds as if he needs his own emotional space, on another level he does come across as a reasonable man who wants to do things in a planned way. But I agree with the other commentators too in that one of the things that would compel me to contemplate ending my marriage would be the kind of passive/aggressive behaviour that talk of suicide suggests. The email thing blows my mind though. Why? Better surely to have stand-up row face-to-face.

Knightsuntold

Oh, my heart goes out to you. Starting again in this situation is so hard, but you can do it. OK, you may not have worked for some time, but running a household, supporting a husband and bringing up children properly all take skills, and those skills are transferable. You will have far more to offer than you think. I can understand confidence issues, but, believe it or not, you can fake it, as you're working on building it up. If you want some up-to-date things for your CV, have a look at the free online courses for things that you feel could be useful. From what you've put on here you're clearly literate, have computer skills and come across well, all of which are skills.

Interview skills can be learned, and I would accept any interviews, even for jobs you don't fancy, just to just get some hands-on experience. Again, there is a lot of online advice out there.

As for the dog, I would fight tooth and nail to keep him. There will be times when you'll need something to focus on, and his needs and routine will really help, not to mention the companionship.

You can, and you will do this. Keep positive!

zippy1997

Thank you for all the replies. Still feeling sick this morning but slightly more positive.

I agree about accepting any job I can at the moment. Today will be doing some research and seeing what's out there - PT or full time.
I know I keep going on about the dog, but he's an important part of the family and will find it weird at first not having someone at home all the time, hence I think PT would work at first. So I can get back to the job market and the rest of the household can adjust. Full time isn't off the table.

OH has suggested the last resort of sending the dog back to the breeder. But as I said, that is the very last resort.

I have no intention of 'playing the system' - if I can help it.

Tuesday Tenor - I had thought about care work. And still something I would consider. Working odd hours doesn't bother me either.

I understand that once DD turns 18 things will change again. The house will need to be sold and as I said I'd rather not rent, but I know that might be the only option. If so, then so be it. OH knows he has the very good paying job so wants to be reasonable. I'm not out to fleece him, please understand that. He needs to be comfortable as well. We don't know how much the house is even worth, so a valuation might come in handy to give us an idea.

We have to decide when to tell the kids. Eldest comes back from Uni in a couple of weeks so we'll probably do it then. Together.

prosaver

Go on wiki divorce for more info...
Go on wiki divorce web site ... your equity from the marital home should be 60 percent as you been a house wife and brought up the children plus he might have to pay maintenance for your welbeing as your standard of life is going to get worse after the divorce ,
be careful and dont sign anything
Btw im in the same boat ..

TBagpuss

Haven't read the whoe thread so may be repeating what others have said, but step one is to go to see a solicitor. any will offer a free initial appointment, use it to decide whether you feel comfortable with that specifc person. At the initial interview thay will be abl to give you general information and asvice but you will likely have to pay for proper, tailored advice.

Ultimately, it will be necessary to sort out a finacial settlement, this will take into account the full financial picture, including the exisiting assets (this includes things such as savings and pension, whether they are in joint names or the name or just one person) and also your respective incomes, earning capcaties and needs. Although the starting point is 50/50 it's likely that an unequal share with you having more than 50% may well be fair, to take inot account your lower income and earning capacity. It may, depending on circumstnace, be reasonable for your husband to pay sme maintenace on a short-term basis, to give you time to get back into work.

As a sratting point, check out the 'entitled to' website to see what you might be ableto claim in the short term, as a single person.

Stat to think about returning to work - this may be in a low-skilled job to start with whicle you build confidence and experience. I don't know what your previous experience is but you might well be able to go straight into work in retail or as a careworker at the lower end of the scale.

Give yourself some time - your husband seems to have initiated the separation so he has had longer to get used to the idea and to think about the future than you - don't let him steamroller you into agreeing new arrangmwents without taking the time to consider them and take advice.

You may find it helpful to speak to Relate (they will see individuals as well as couples) or looks for other support so you have someone you can talk to.

good luck

zippy1997

Feeling kind of !!!!!! right now. Seemed OK this morning, but after trawling the net for jobs and then looking at property - buying and renting - I feel terrible. (pms isn't helping either!). Keep bursting into tears. I know every situation is resolvable but right now it doesn't feel that way. If it was just me I would be taking this better but my kids will still need a home - with me or OH - to come home to.
Gotta get this out of my system before DD comes home in an hour.

If renting is the only option then most (read: majority) of places don't accept pets. So we'd have no other option. Which would be devastating tbh. I know a few of you said it's a good idea to rehome but the thought of it just upsets me further.

Oh well, onwards and upwards. Have to tell my Dad some time this week, that won't be easy. He's a very practical type of man so he'll offer support, like my Sister & BIL, but obviously nobody can solve this apart from me. That's the scary part.

heartbreak_star

Is there any way that you could stay in the house and take a lodger in?

(Sorry if that's already been mentioned or is not feasible, I'm trying to think outside the box )

HBS x