OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

zippy1997

ska lover - yes he could pull the rug away pretty damn sharpish, but I'm going on knowing him 23 yrs and the fact he's a decent guy. Guess my comment could come back to bite me in the bum but I hope not! I do know if that happens that my sis/bil and dad have my back and my sis has already told me we won't be homeless!

annandale

Most times I've done voluntary work I've got an application from the shop.

zippy1997

ska_lover wrote: »

Zippy you are stronger than you think..already over the last five pages, you have gone from being emotional to practical.

I think you will be OK, this is a great opportunity for you. Think Shirley Valentine. This is the kick up the bum you needed to go get some life for yourself! (I mean that in a nice way, but I do feel that had this not happened, you would have sat at home unemployed doing nothing until the grim reaper called)

You asked how strong women do it, a few pages back. I say that Independent women do it, because they don't want other people doing everything for them, we want the pride of doing for ourselves.

First things first, if it were me, I would get my name on the council housing. Yes it wont be as fab as the house you have now, but thinking practically ,you need to get cheap affordable housing. This is the most important thing, and do it soon, as it takes a while.

I work full time , and have a dog. It is not ideal but we have no choice , it can be done, circumstances change and a dog is a long term commitment isn't it, we cannot guarantee that the life we lead, is going to be the same ten years later

You could get part time work in a supermarket, even if just at first, to build up your confidence. You do not need to have a massive working history to work as a shelf stacker or home shopping colleague. I did it for a while during xmas season one year, and I made friends for life, such great work colleagues

You know, it really IS time for you, concentrate on you. You do not need anyone to look after you, you know what you need to do.

Well not sure whether I am being more practical or just burying the emotions while my daughter is around. Tomorrow morning I guarantee I will be a wreck again!

I know, this could be just what me and OH needed. Doesn't feel like it yet but onwards and upwards I guess.

My lack of confidence really is holding me back. As OH won't be here to do everything I'll need to step up. It's the interviews for jobs (assuming I get any!) I'm dreading. Have to actually buy some decent clothes for a start! Jeans/polo shirt won't cut it.

If I knew how this was going to pan out I'd be more stable... just affording a roof over our heads and bills will be enough. I'm not a fancy spender, no matter what the debts look like, so can be frugal.

zippy1997

annandale wrote: »

Most times I've done voluntary work I've got an application from the shop.

Ah right, OK, I'm going into town Friday, I'll take a look. We have a few charity shops.

prosaver

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

WHAT?

Have you been reading this thread or are you just automatically a man hater?

No just bullies, what wrong with that ..
BTW
zippy it feel like you got stockhome syndrome
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome.

how can you be lazy when you have looked after a husband , house and brought your kids up well for 18 years?

Try to get closer to your kids , take them out, quality time and all that,

zippy1997

I think I'm pretty close with my daughter. Son is another kettle of fish! We're close I guess, but he and I have always been at odds - not in a bad way, we're just too alike I think! We're better in short bursts together!

Ames

There are other types of volunteering than working in a shop. If you google your area you should find there's a website listing available positions. I'm just mentioning it in case you don't get anywhere asking in shops, or if there's a type of work you'd like to do that might have something that's more relevant.

ETA: This is a national site: https://do-it.org/

zippy1997

Ames wrote: »

There are other types of volunteering than working in a shop. If you google your area you should find there's a website listing available positions. I'm just mentioning it in case you don't get anywhere asking in shops, or if there's a type of work you'd like to do that might have something that's more relevant.

ETA: This is a national site: https://do-it.org/

Thanks, will take a look!

FBaby

He's 100% certain he wants out. For him it's either working or it's not, and unfortunately for me, it's not

As you say that communication has been an issue, I expect he has been thinking about separating for quite some time already, just managed to carry on as if nothing was going on and you were oblivious. All that thinking whether you could work it out, he has processed on his own and he has now reached the next stage. It is unfair to you because he never shared this with you, so he is now ahead of you in the planning and emotional stage.

I agree that you come across as a lot stronger than you think you are and you main issue is confidence. It's just lack of practice because you've been able to rely on others. I can't help but wonder whether this was the issue in your relationship, that your OH felt the burden of supporting you, and wished that you would regain your confidence and desire to explore the world. It is often once kids are older that this comes to light because until then, the children were a good reason to hold back.

zippy1997

He did admit he's been thinking about this (on and off) for yrs. Each time we went through a bad patch it got better again so he just put it to the back and left it.
Yes he's definitely processed it. He's not even upset any more. Whereas I'm at that stage now.

OH might have felt the burden yes, but that's where communication comes in and we didn't/don't have it. Maybe encouraging me could have helped. I have spoken regularly in the last yr or 2 about getting a job, he does know I need a kick up the backside for some things and I can do them when push comes to shove. Not blaming him, don't take it that way but someone without confidence needs encouragement I feel.

I will say that as far as the debts are concerned I've tried for yrs to offer different solutions (a DMP being one of them) but he never wanted to go down that route. We'd start to monthly plan (he does all the bills) but that would last a couple of months then slip. We don't live an extravagant life, it's just a build up of spending on things over the yrs compounded by interest.

I have a feeling he will change once we split. He'll be a different person and find someone else. I do believe him when he says he want to be alone and do his own thing but deep down I believe he just wants the right person - and that's not me. As for me, I'll be looking at staying single I think. I don't want to start relying on someone else. As long as I can pay the bills and support my kids (emotionally and financially) I'll be happy.