OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

zippy1997

Thanks justme111. I'll check out his thread if I can find it.

I think my issue right now is not knowing what earning potential I can have and what I can afford on my own. When you think your life is all mapped out and then bam! it changes. Plus looking for a job when there is a timescale is different. If it didn't work out I could move on to another and we would be OK financially. I know millions of people do it, just scary.

OH and I haven't really talked again, as I said, since Monday night, as last night he was so stressed, coupled with the fact he has one of those 'after cold' dry coughs that won't go away, keeping him up at night. Don't think he's slept properly for a few nights. (neither have I but for a different reason than a cough).

Trouble is I do still keep wondering if he really knows we're broken and can't fix it or he thinks we're broken and doesn't know how to fix it. I keep going back and forth. And I don't want to bring it up as in the emails and one phone call we had he was adamant it wasn't a phase or mood. His work is stressing him out, son moved to Uni about 4 hrs away (lost his gaming buddy) and travel from work (mainly) is taking longer each day because of rush-hour traffic.

I don't want to lose my daughter but if my OH can afford a better place than me then it would make sense she and eldest son live with him. *I say lose my daughter and not both her & my son because son is always more geared towards his dad, has always been more independent and as is away at Uni won't spend much time at home (wherever that may be).

Slightly concerned he's checking out on our daughter though. As he was late last night they didn't actually see each other until it was time for bed (she was in her room, he had dinner, helped me with a job thing and then went to his room). Even then it was only a brief random few words.
*sigh*
I guess there's nothing you can do when one wants to work on things and the other doesn't. It's just sad that 20 yrs, 2 kids, 1 dog and a family home will disappear. We haven't always been unhappy either. Tough times, but always pulled through.

I want to see light at the end of the tunnel but right now all I see is change that I can't control. Very drama queen I know! My dog is slightly concerned as I randomly burst into tears and his little face is concerned!

justme111

The better place your ex husband can afford will be one where you and children live. As you are presumably the main carer.

Tiddlywinks

justme111 wrote: »

The better place your ex husband can afford will be one where you and children live. As you are presumably the main carer.

One adult child at uni and a 16 yo at college so 'main carer' is stretching it a bit.

justme111

16 is a child and the child lives with one of the parents. Normally everything is arranged so as to have minimal impact on a child and normally they stay with mother which usually results in them living in matrimonial home while a man pays for it.
It is a bloke that would be sick with worry now how he would afford to maintain 2 households - his and exes.

zippy1997

Have to admit that is stretching it! Sadly the kids don't need me that much any more.
They still need a home though, at least 16 yr old DD does. As I said, DS would probably stay with OH when home from Uni. I don't want to be one of these parents that as soon as they turn 18 they're out the door. I want them to have a home to come back to. Adults or not.

We managed to talk tonight. I asked my question about not wanting to work it out or not thinking we can fix it. He can't explain it, but it's like an off switch. He's 100% certain he wants out. For him it's either working or it's not, and unfortunately for me, it's not. He just wants to be on his own and do his own thing. It's a build up of things over the yrs. I even mentioned marriage counselling but he's not even willing to try. So there you go. My question answered!

We still haven't got round to any nitty gritty stuff like financials or him moving out dates.
My dad is coming round tomorrow so this little nugget will be a surprise! My sis will also be here, as I know it will get awkward on my own (me get awkward not my dad).

It's the uncertainty. Not knowing what the future holds. Sad to think that this house won't be ours in a yr or 2. It's a lovely place. The mortgage is an amazing deal that has 10 yrs to run. But even with a good job I wouldn't be able to keep it going on my own.

I've applied to a few jobs today. Anything I think I can do. Full time and part time. If we need a dog walker for the dog so be it. OH can pay. The dog dotes on him and right now he's just ignoring him. *that's not meant to sound !!!!!y, but he agreed to the dog and we got the breed he wanted. Now he's just clearing off*

zippy1997

justme111 wrote: »

16 is a child and the child lives with one of the parents. Normally everything is arranged so as to have minimal impact on a child and normally they stay with mother which usually results in them living in matrimonial home while a man pays for it.
It is a bloke that would be sick with worry now how he would afford to maintain 2 households - his and exes.

At the moment he only wants to rent a room within walking distance of where he works (covered by his petrol cost). He'd still pay for this house. Hopefully once I can secure a job - any job - I can pay my half. As I said, we haven't even worked out any financials yet. There are places we can cut back just need to discuss them. No idea when though. He's not very forthcoming with that.

ViolaLass

Could you get a volunteering role e.g. in a charity shop?

Anything to get you an up to date reference and get you used to turning up for work etc.

ska_lover

Zippy you are stronger than you think..already over the last five pages, you have gone from being emotional to practical.

I think you will be OK, this is a great opportunity for you. Think Shirley Valentine. This is the kick up the bum you needed to go get some life for yourself! (I mean that in a nice way, but I do feel that had this not happened, you would have sat at home unemployed doing nothing until the grim reaper called)

You asked how strong women do it, a few pages back. I say that Independent women do it, because they don't want other people doing everything for them, we want the pride of doing for ourselves.

First things first, if it were me, I would get my name on the council housing. Yes it wont be as fab as the house you have now, but thinking practically ,you need to get cheap affordable housing. This is the most important thing, and do it soon, as it takes a while.

I work full time , and have a dog. It is not ideal but we have no choice , it can be done, circumstances change and a dog is a long term commitment isn't it, we cannot guarantee that the life we lead, is going to be the same ten years later

You could get part time work in a supermarket, even if just at first, to build up your confidence. You do not need to have a massive working history to work as a shelf stacker or home shopping colleague. I did it for a while during xmas season one year, and I made friends for life, such great work colleagues

You know, it really IS time for you, concentrate on you. You do not need anyone to look after you, you know what you need to do.

ska_lover

zippy1997 wrote: »

At the moment he only wants to rent a room within walking distance of where he works (covered by his petrol cost). He'd still pay for this house. Hopefully once I can secure a job - any job - I can pay my half. As I said, we haven't even worked out any financials yet. There are places we can cut back just need to discuss them. No idea when though. He's not very forthcoming with that.

you do need to prepare yourself for the fact that he could pull the rug from under your feet big time

zippy1997

ViolaLass wrote: »

Could you get a volunteering role e.g. in a charity shop?

Anything to get you an up to date reference and get you used to turning up for work etc.

I've thought about that yes. Do you just walk in and ask? Or are there channels to go through?