OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

zippy1997

Primrose wrote: »

Zippy, it may be that if your husband sees you taking a positive attitude to all this and trying to come up with productive solutions he may well be prepared to bide his time so that you can jointly get your finances/debts in better order and you start trying to find employment.


Doing this may generate a more positive attitude between you and that would be a good thing. It does seem to me that perhaps the seeds of the breakdown of your marriage possibly started because neither of you properly learned how to communicate with each other face to face in the first place . Relationships with all individuals are improved by this so try and use this as a learning experience and practice run for the new life that probably lies ahead of you.

Hopefully we can come out of this as friends.

He's late home from work so talking will have to wait I feel! We need to be honest and actually say what we feel and mean.

Primrose

Zippy, Don't just talk to him about the practicalities of how you both move forward.
Remember your husband is a human being too. He may spend too much time on the computer but he has feelings too and is obviously, like you, extremely bad at being able to express them.
Ask him how he feels about all this. Happy, Unhappy, Uncertain, Anxious?
Ask him what it was about your personality/way of living that has helped push him to this decision.
Start finding out again what it is that makes him tick,....or not tick as the case may be.
He probably feels neglected, unloved, unappreciated.
Forget for a moment your own feelings. Concentrate on him. Give him a chance to unburden himself, perhaps for the first time in ages. Don't respond aggressively. Just listen to his side of the story.


Creating a more neutral atmosphere may give an opening for some more constructive thoughts on how you both move forward.


And try and talk about how your children are REALLY going to feel about having their home broken up. They must have some idea about what's going on and not being involved in decision making is going to make them both feel very vulnerably, especially your daughter who is still living at home.

annandale

No one should be advised to ask their husband what was it about their personality that led to someone wanting a divorce. There are numerous reasons why someone might want to end a marriage.

He was more than happy that she didn't work so her way of living shouldn't be an issue either.

Tiddlywinks

zippy1997 wrote: »

I have mentioned suicide to OH in the past but he's just told me to go see the drs. This right now is top of my thoughts. I know it won't help but it's there.

When asked about this you qualified it with:

zippy1997 wrote: »

I agree about the suicide talk. I didn't mean to at the time but I was a little unstable at times during PMS (got worse after having the kids). I haven't mentioned that in quite a while. And won't.

So, you don't feel suicidal now and haven't mentioned this subject to your OH for 'quite a while'... so why mention it here on this thread? Completely unprompted and with no context you threw in the subject of suicide.

I think you are a bit of an emotional manipulator and you are even doing it now on this thread.

Time to put your big girl pants on and be the adult. I know it can be scary but it's necessary now and the time for excuses is over.

The dog can be walked at lunchtimes by a dogwalker so you can get a full time job - why do you feel part time is preferable? You're young and fit - why PT?

As to your daughter... please don't use her as an excuse to ask your husband to keep the status quo... that, again, is emotional blackmail. She is 16 and at college... old enough to accept that relationships break down sometimes.

You are in a good position - you just need to recognise that fact.

You have equity to allow you to find somewhere else to live. You are young enough to start again. Your OH is showing willing in sorting things out amicably... all positive.

annandale

I agree about the full time work. No reason why you can't work full time. I know someone whose relationship broke down around five years ago. Abusive and she wasn't allowed to work while she was with him. She's had two jobs since they broke up. She has kids younger than yours. Dogs. She was flat broke for a while due to having to go to court to get what she was due (long story). She got on with it.

She had no option. She employs dog walkers, no way would they have been rehomed

Proxima_Centauri

Even though you didn't go out to work you did contribute to the marriage, - you put your own career on hold in order to run the house, look after the children and enable your husband to progress in his own job.

annandale

I can't understand why the OP couldn't have got a part time job around her kids school hours. Plenty people do even if their husband has a job. He wanted her to stay at home. She was happy to do it, I get that. But people don't have to put their career on hold when there are part time jobs out there that could fit around the kids school hours.

She made the comment herself that she's been lazy, of course she couldn't predict what was to come but in this day and age there is no reason for women to be cut off from the workplace.

zippy1997

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

When asked about this you qualified it with:



So, you don't feel suicidal now and haven't mentioned this subject to your OH for 'quite a while'... so why mention it here on this thread? Completely unprompted and with no context you threw in the subject of suicide.

I think you are a bit of an emotional manipulator and you are even doing it now on this thread.

Time to put your big girl pants on and be the adult. I know it can be scary but it's necessary now and the time for excuses is over.

The dog can be walked at lunchtimes by a dogwalker so you can get a full time job - why do you feel part time is preferable? You're young and fit - why PT?

As to your daughter... please don't use her as an excuse to ask your husband to keep the status quo... that, again, is emotional blackmail. She is 16 and at college... old enough to accept that relationships break down sometimes.

You are in a good position - you just need to recognise that fact.

You have equity to allow you to find somewhere else to live. You are young enough to start again. Your OH is showing willing in sorting things out amicably... all positive.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I can see how I come across and as I mentioned earlier I said the suicide comments when I was having bad PMS. I didn't say they (thoughts) had gone away just that I hadn't mentioned them in a while.
I wish I hadn't mentioned it now tbh. But at the time of writing this morning I was feeling very low and hadn't talked to anyone.

My sister was a good listener this afternoon and OH and I have talked this evening. We both want to make this as easy as possible and I know I am lucky he is a reasonable man.

zippy1997

annandale wrote: »

I can't understand why the OP couldn't have got a part time job around her kids school hours. Plenty people do even if their husband has a job. He wanted her to stay at home. She was happy to do it, I get that. But people don't have to put their career on hold when there are part time jobs out there that could fit around the kids school hours.

She made the comment herself that she's been lazy, of course she couldn't predict what was to come but in this day and age there is no reason for women to be cut off from the workplace.

My OH works long hours & a long drive away and it made sense (for us) that I would be at home to take care of everything here. I have been lazy and this is the result. I need and want to rectify that. As I said my confidence over the years has dwindled playing a part in things. This is sadly the kick up the bum I needed. Although I was coming to the realisation I needed to look for work as my daughter is old enough to look after herself and we need more money.

annandale

It's good that you have talked. Also, don't despair about work. Things turn up. Im in my 40s and Ive retrained twice in recent years. Not out of choice but necessity.