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OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

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  • pmlindyloo
    pmlindyloo Posts: 13,091 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    Although we have all been talking about divorce (including me) as I read more and more I am wondering whether there is a chance to save your marriage.

    Some clues from what you have said
    he is a good man
    neither of you like confrontation
    you communicate by email about very important things
    you know you have been 'lazy' by not getting a job.

    In my opinion communication is the key in any relationship and it seems that you both have difficulty with this.

    Perhaps some marriage counselling might be useful?
  • zippy1997
    zippy1997 Posts: 243 Forumite
    duchy wrote: »
    First of all if you are married he doesn't "own everything" all your assets are assets of the marriage and jointly owned. I know my OH sees it that way as well. I just have trouble.

    Get in touch with your local citizens advice for general advice but also contact your local college about courses they may run with back to employment skills. Whether that is CV building, interview skills and the like or specific skills like word processing or spreadsheets and the like. You might even want to investigate self employment , there's a lot of talk about dog sitters and dog walkers. If you live in an area where there is a demand for such services maybe you could be the person supplying the service, for example. I know I have to start asking around and we do have a college very close by I could try.

    Yes the whole situation is big and scary but ultimately it doesn't sound like a happy marriage and once out you may very well feel splitting up was the very best thing for you both and you are happier. I met my fianc! when I was fifty. He was the icing on the cake, I was happier separated from my husband once I'd got over the split but didn't expect to meet anyone else and settle down again, but it does happen. I was perfectly happy single though and certainly wasn't actively looking.

    You are on the threshold of many new possibilities,it's a new start as well as an end. Yes it will be different, but it may indeed be better. (Frankly anything to me would be better than a man who thinks email is the way to discuss your relationship)I'm trying to see the positives! It's just an uphill struggle. Add to that our families don't know about our debts makes it worse. I think I'll just spill everything as it's a big burden to bear on our own. The kids have known all along. My OH and I are too alike. We don't like confrontations so avoid things. Hence our situation now.

    As for your daughter, she's sixteen , she's more than capable of taking the dog out , in less than two years she could be living away at uni, learning to take a little responsibility now will equip her better for this , as you said going from parents to marriage didn't do you any favours with independence skills and attitude. My future DILs twelve year takes the dog out when he gets in from school on the days she works , for a sixteen year old, no problem.
    Oh my daughter will do things yes, no problem there. She's an organizer. But for her emotionally I'm concerned that we handle this the right way. And my son obviously but I think he'll be better.
  • ceh209
    ceh209 Posts: 877 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 500 Posts Name Dropper
    zippy1997 wrote: »
    If I thought my Dr would help it would be an option. They're not very approachable and I wouldn't know where to start explaining it to them.



    My GP practice has a mental health nurse who I've seen in the past, it may be worth having a look to see if yours does too - they will often say so on their website so you don't have to phone and ask reception if you don't want.


    With mine you have a half hour appointment so you don't have to get everything out in the 10 minutes a GP normally gives you. Sometimes I've just sat there and cried, but as he's a specialist he was great at asking me the right things to find out what he needed to know.


    I've also previously had suicidal thoughts like you - thinking it but knowing I'd never do anything. Don't ignore it thinking it will go away, your priority has to be getting YOU healthy.
    Excuse any mis-spelt replies, there's probably a cat sat on the keyboard
  • zippy1997
    zippy1997 Posts: 243 Forumite
    pmlindyloo wrote: »
    Although we have all been talking about divorce (including me) as I read more and more I am wondering whether there is a chance to save your marriage.

    Some clues from what you have said
    he is a good man
    neither of you like confrontation
    you communicate by email about very important things
    you know you have been 'lazy' by not getting a job.

    In my opinion communication is the key in any relationship and it seems that you both have difficulty with this.

    Perhaps some marriage counselling might be useful?

    I have been through that with him, saying we can talk but will take time, not an overnight fix etc.. Even suggesting marriage counselling but he's adamant he's done. He wants out and I won't stop him as he has been getting more distant and obviously is unhappy.
    Plus I don't want to think we're 'fixing things' only for him to turn round again and drop the leaving bombshell.
    If this is it I'd rather just work through it and live separately.
  • zippy1997
    zippy1997 Posts: 243 Forumite
    ceh209 wrote: »
    My GP practice has a mental health nurse who I've seen in the past, it may be worth having a look to see if yours does too - they will often say so on their website so you don't have to phone and ask reception if you don't want.


    With mine you have a half hour appointment so you don't have to get everything out in the 10 minutes a GP normally gives you. Sometimes I've just sat there and cried, but as he's a specialist he was great at asking me the right things to find out what he needed to know.


    I've also previously had suicidal thoughts like you - thinking it but knowing I'd never do anything. Don't ignore it thinking it will go away, your priority has to be getting YOU healthy.

    Thank you. I will take a look.
  • System
    System Posts: 178,339 Community Admin
    10,000 Posts Photogenic Name Dropper
    I think sorting things out by email is a good idea. You have time to think of what to say and nothing spills out in anger. How many times have you said things in anger that you probably regret saying later?

    Hubby and i often argue via text. Hurt and pride doesnt get in the way, just fact and honesty.
    This is a system account and does not represent a real person. To contact the Forum Team email forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com
  • DavidF
    DavidF Posts: 498 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 100 Posts Combo Breaker
    Family conference ? Relate ? 1 or both may do well to see a councilor ? (Sp ?) Please don't take any of that the wrong way but it just seems a shame if the problems are more "mental" and not in any way hostile or violent and assuming there is no 3rd person. People can and do change....20 odd years and a couple of adult kids....it wasn't exactly a failure on you both. If you could work things out it would save you all lots not just in money terms but emotionally as well.
  • duchy
    duchy Posts: 19,511 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Combo Breaker Xmas Saver!
    Most of my friends are at the kids off at uni or shortly going and I'm seeing a lot of marriages changing. I guess when your primary role was as parents it's natural to start considering what the next phase of returning to coupledom will bring .
    I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole

    MSE Florida wedding .....no problem
  • Primrose
    Primrose Posts: 10,701 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper I've been Money Tipped!
    Yiur first task is to start rebuilding some self confidence again. I suggest you tell your husband that there will be no more negotiating by telephone or email. Insist that you sit down together and discuss your current situation. Tell him that you understand his need and desire rebuild his life but he cannot do that on the basis of leaving you destitute.

    Suggest that you therefore put this whole business on hold for 12 months for the sake of you and the children and that you jointly work on finding ways for you to become more financially independent. If he is a good man he should understand he can,t just put a pistol to your head if it was a Jon t decision you should stay at home and look after the children when they were younger. You will time to prepare for this process and the easier the divorce financial settlement will eventually be if he supports and helps you in your efforts.

    It sounds as if you have both lost the art of communicating face to face. Regard this as the first part of your self confidence training and try to rise to the challenge of negotiating. You will have to do this when looking for a job. Also start look around for employment opportunities. You can obviously use a computer at some level so perhaps a job using one might be a start. Check with yiur local library whether there are any computer literacy skills if you think this will help.

    Also ask yourself whether having a dog will be a huge hindrance to working. It may be a hard decision to rehome it but perhaps your husband might take it eventually?
  • tea_lover
    tea_lover Posts: 8,261 Forumite
    Having a child could be viewed as a hindrance to working but people don't generally suggest rehoming them as part of a divorce!
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