OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

FBaby

Zippy, you are facing a massive change in your life, and from you've said, not only you've experience few significant changes in your life, but ever more challenging, never on your own. It's no surprise you are feeling very scared at the moment.

You have three route to deal with your situation though, denial, in which case, you make no decision, take no actions and just accept the consequences of taking no control of your life. These are unlikely to be good though.

Or you can let your fears rule you and fall in the hands of anxiety, never moving forward and dealing with the mental distress that comes with it.

Or you can decide that this is an opportunity to do things differently. What have you got to learn? This is a chance to gain the confidence you've lost or never have, the chance to show to yourself and others that you can take control of your life and do the things that you've found so scary until now. You are now the master of your life, so grab it and make it yours.

For that, you need to start to make plans. Where do you want to be and when and then go backwards. How much income do you think you would need to be satisfied with your life? Can you achieve it working PT and if so how many hours. Do you want to stay in the house and try to see if you can take over the mortgage if that is feasible, or are you happy to rent from now on, or would you aspire to gain a high enough income that would allow you to buy another property at some stage.

All this will take time and energy, but the confidence you will get from this will give you ample energy to move forward. Good luck.

pollypenny

This is awful, Zippy. Please listen to others and get legal advice asap. Although you haven't worked, the marital assets should be shared, I think.

Perhaps putting your toe in the water by some temporary Christmas work will help your regain confidence.

I admire your attitude. Chin up.

zippy1997

tea_lover wrote: »

OP, I won't add to the good, practical advice you're getting but just wanted to say that you can always contact Samaritans if you do need someone to talk to. You don't have to be feeling suicidal to call them, they're always available if you just need a friendly voice to listen. They won't tell you what to do and they won't solve your problems, but they will listen and make time for you.

I have thought of phoning them but feel very self conscious talking on the phone.

zippy1997

duchy wrote: »

Most of my friends are at the kids off at uni or shortly going and I'm seeing a lot of marriages changing. I guess when your primary role was as parents it's natural to start considering what the next phase of returning to coupledom will bring .

My OH has said he's felt out of the loop since my son went to Uni in Sept. They are both computer geeks and understand each other. My daughter tries but I personally really can't be bothered with gaming.

Mojisola

zippy1997 wrote: »

I have thought of phoning them but feel very self conscious talking on the phone.

You can email if you find that easier -
http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

zippy1997

Primrose wrote: »

Yiur first task is to start rebuilding some self confidence again. I suggest you tell your husband that there will be no more negotiating by telephone or email. Insist that you sit down together and discuss your current situation. Tell him that you understand his need and desire rebuild his life but he cannot do that on the basis of leaving you destitute.

Suggest that you therefore put this whole business on hold for 12 months for the sake of you and the children and that you jointly work on finding ways for you to become more financially independent. If he is a good man he should understand he can,t just put a pistol to your head if it was a Jon t decision you should stay at home and look after the children when they were younger. You will time to prepare for this process and the easier the divorce financial settlement will eventually be if he supports and helps you in your efforts.

It sounds as if you have both lost the art of communicating face to face. Regard this as the first part of your self confidence training and try to rise to the challenge of negotiating. You will have to do this when looking for a job. Also start look around for employment opportunities. You can obviously use a computer at some level so perhaps a job using one might be a start. Check with yiur local library whether there are any computer literacy skills if you think this will help.

Also ask yourself whether having a dog will be a huge hindrance to working. It may be a hard decision to rehome it but perhaps your husband might take it eventually?

I have spoken to my sister today - who has been through this with her own brother-in-law in the past few years - and she says the same thing. Take time and to actually talk. Face to face.

Don't make hasty decisions regarding the finances and moving out.

Look for a job and move forward that way. And talk to my Dad.

Tbh my OH doesn't have to move out, we don't argue or anything and he has my sons room as his own at the moment to sleep and do his gaming. We only really see each other when he comes down stairs for food or his nightly coffee. It's quite civil when we talk. As long as we're clear what's happening and honest with each other we could make it work in the short term. Primarily to sort things out. No idea how he'll react to this suggestion though.

My thoughts are him moving out so soon would hinder things as we'd go back to phone or email communication and that isn't working. We need to work out the finances and see how that works for a month to check he can actually afford what he thinks he can. And I can look for a job.

I have thought about the dog - a lot. The breeder would take him back and rehome him to the best one, but that would be the last resort completely as he's a part of the family.

zippy1997

Mojisola wrote: »

You can email if you find that easier -
http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

Thank you. I may do that tomorrow when I'm sitting on my own stewing!

zippy1997

pollypenny wrote: »

This is awful, Zippy. Please listen to others and get legal advice asap. Although you haven't worked, the marital assets should be shared, I think.

Perhaps putting your toe in the water by some temporary Christmas work will help your regain confidence.

I admire your attitude. Chin up.

Thank you. Not sure my attitude is any good right now, it still feels like a dream as he's not home from work yet.

As I said it's both our faults I just thought we could work past it as we have always done. Guess things hit the fan. And I won't be trying to change his mind as it seems made up. I just want do this as amicably as possible. I know he does too.

I just want to be able to afford a roof over mine and my kids heads. Pay the bills. It's going to be tough with belt tightening I know but others do it so I should take some comfort in that
It's just being early 40's and starting again is a shocking reality. Completely!

Primrose

Zippy, it may be that if your husband sees you taking a positive attitude to all this and trying to come up with productive solutions he may well be prepared to bide his time so that you can jointly get your finances/debts in better order and you start trying to find employment.


Doing this may generate a more positive attitude between you and that would be a good thing. It does seem to me that perhaps the seeds of the breakdown of your marriage possibly started because neither of you properly learned how to communicate with each other face to face in the first place . Relationships with all individuals are improved by this so try and use this as a learning experience and practice run for the new life that probably lies ahead of you.

zippy1997

FBaby wrote: »

Zippy, you are facing a massive change in your life, and from you've said, not only you've experience few significant changes in your life, but ever more challenging, never on your own. It's no surprise you are feeling very scared at the moment.

You have three route to deal with your situation though, denial, in which case, you make no decision, take no actions and just accept the consequences of taking no control of your life. These are unlikely to be good though.

Or you can let your fears rule you and fall in the hands of anxiety, never moving forward and dealing with the mental distress that comes with it.

Or you can decide that this is an opportunity to do things differently. What have you got to learn? This is a chance to gain the confidence you've lost or never have, the chance to show to yourself and others that you can take control of your life and do the things that you've found so scary until now. You are now the master of your life, so grab it and make it yours.

For that, you need to start to make plans. Where do you want to be and when and then go backwards. How much income do you think you would need to be satisfied with your life? Can you achieve it working PT and if so how many hours. Do you want to stay in the house and try to see if you can take over the mortgage if that is feasible, or are you happy to rent from now on, or would you aspire to gain a high enough income that would allow you to buy another property at some stage.

All this will take time and energy, but the confidence you will get from this will give you ample energy to move forward. Good luck.

Thank you. A lot to think about for sure!

I know what is happening and I need to sort it out. I just think OH and I should take time to talk things through, not rush into decisions and try to work it out together for the best outcome for us and the kids. Older or not they still need a home to come home to and sleep in.

Renting would be a possibility but the last resort I'd want to take. I don't think I could take on the mortgage with a PT wage myself. Not if I have to pay the bills as well. Plus the debts.....

If we sold up in a yr or 2 when DD is 18 and I moved into a small 1 bed place buying outright, they could then live with their dad as he could afford a mortgage comfortably on his own (as the debts would be gone from the house sale) for a nice 3 bed. Or he could remortgage this place to give me my share and they wouldn't have to move. There are so many possibilities they make my head spin!

First up is to talk and get a job.