OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

justme111

That thread has already been suggested to op to read by me and others. Not from the point of view of emulating jack's ex who have been condemned in it as money grabbing inconsiderate bringing female gender into disrepute. But from the point of view of how much damage protracted legal battle can cause to all. You seem to miss that in jack's case they had a house with no mortgage and owed a quorter of what zippy's family does. So zippy's husband can not give her the same mortgage free house as there is not enough equity in it even if op got 100% of it. Otherwise his proposal seems very similar to what eventual split in jack's case was ( paying her for the house/maintenance, call it whatever and higher percentage of equity).

justme111

I am sure he will not be surprised at your "no" for selling the house now. That's negotiations- he can ask you can say no as you do not have to sell legally and it is not in your interest to sell now so fair enough. I guess you may be right about going through solicitors for now to avoid it becoming emotional, hopefully both sides will suggest something not so far as not to be able to find middle ground.

zippy1997

I think what's seriously bothering my family is the fact that OH told me that now DS is at Uni and OH had made DS a promise (when he was a baby and I had PND) to look after him. DS is moving on. OH told me he feels a weight has been lifted now DS has moved out and he's done his job. What about DD?!?!? She hasn't moved on yet. She's still got 18 months to go....

zippy1997

justme111 wrote: »

I am sure he will not be surprised at your "no" for selling the house now. That's negotiations- he can ask you can say no as you do not have to sell legally and it is not in your interest to sell now so fair enough. I guess you may be right about going through solicitors for now to avoid it becoming emotional, hopefully both sides will suggest something not so far as not to be able to find middle ground.

He won't be surprised but he will be angry. He's made it clear he wants to sell before DD is 18. Every time I've brought that up he's countered it with something.

For him clearing the debts is the #1 priority. That is clear to me.
I want middle ground. But I don't want to be taken for a mug. OH has tried my patience these past few weeks. It will be a relief when he does move out. We'll both get our own space.

justme111

His anger is not your issue . Hopefully it will be short-lived as he will see sense. Re comment - I think you may see it in a negative way in the heat of the situation you are in. How exactly being happy for one task accomplished translates into him not thinking there us something else to do ? Why not to take it positively (yes I am happy to , I am glad you were with us) but negatively (ah but you have something else to do) ?

springdreams

I'm pleased to see that you have developed from a scared kitten at the beginning of this thread to a roaring lioness Zippy.

As regards using solicitors, their job is to guide you on what the law says and allows, and to sometimes act as a mediator if required. They are not there to make decisions for you. People often rack up a lot of legal costs by using the solicitor as a middle man to do the negotiating that they themselves cannot or do not want to do. But essentially you tell your solicitor what it is you want, your solicitor then shares this with your husband's solicitor, your husband's solicitor share it with him and takes a note of his response. His solicitor then passes this on to your solicitor, who in turn passes it on to you. And so the negotiation process goes around and around. People then get annoyed because the solicitor bills them for this going around and around. It is the parties themselves who are making the process go around and around by not agreeing. The solicitor is not there to make decisions for you. Only you can do that. They are only there to guide you and to provide advice. You may therefore wish to consider using a mediator before you go to a solicitor to get the bulk of the settlement agreed, as they charge less than a solicitor does.

System

I'd go for a 2 year separation too. By that time your daughter will be nearing the end of her full time education.

Let him go if thats what he wants but he doesnt have to have it all his own way.

justme111

Of course, don't we all know that fathers do not act in children's interest. Specially helpful for children to find out this common truth by witnessing mother's position. Helps with their relationship with father, self esteem, trust, romantic relationships in the future.

justme111

Judi wrote: »

I'd go for a 2 year separation too. By that time your daughter will be nearing the end of her full time education.

Let him go if thats what he wants but he doesnt have to have it all his own way.

It would not be fair to the husband as whatever assets /reduction of debt he achieves in these 2 years she would benefit from. If I were him I would explore options to get it done quicker. Not sure how could it be in zippy's best interest either - what is the point to delay settlement and divorce? Why prolong an agony of legal battle ?

jamiehelsinki

justme111 wrote: »

It would not be fair to the husband as whatever assets /reduction of debt he achieves in these 2 years she would benefit from. If I were him I would explore options to get it done quicker. Not sure how could it be in zippy's best interest either - what is the point to delay settlement and divorce? Why prolong an agony of legal battle ?

I agree with most of the points you have made in this thread.

OP, How about allowing your husband to remortgage and take enough out of the property to clear the debt and his share of the equity if he pays the mortgage until your daughter is 18, you could then sell the house and take the rest of the equity for yourself. ( just a suggestion, neither of you might like this idea)