OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!

justme111

Zippy, I do not see anything that horrible in his email, I think it is better you calm down a bit. I reckon it boils down to numbers - what is the cost of servicing dept, his costs, your costs and options. If you do not want to see the house now you can just say no and let him to try and convince you otherwise - may be showing that numbers will not work otherwise. "Let's see what we left with after solicitors' war " is the option many posters warned you not to take. What DavidP24 suggests would be very selfish and unfair - to try and have only assets of marriage without taking on debts; to try and not have your life turned upside down - when parties divorce both their lives turned upside down. That poster have imagined from somewhere a woman who they called floozie - the poster can not even read it is a long term friend who is lesbian. Do you want to end up in the same emotional state as that poster who clearly had experienced separation first hand? Reading his/her posts (full of hatred on warpath) would make me do opposite of what they suggest if anything.

tom9980

If the op or anyone follows the advice in your previous post they imo are asking for an acrimonious divorce where only solicitors will win.

His emails are naive but they are far from terrible starting positions for negotiation. It is hard not to but don't take it personally zippy.

For me given how old daughter is now remaining in the house for two years, getting half of pension, half of equity and debts paid after the house is sold is fair.

justme111

I would expect/think fair even more than a half for zippy due to far lower earning capacity. Otherwise I agree. 8 been on these boards for a while and it is like watching a train crush in a slow motion every time someone posts at the beginning of divorce full of good intentions and then becomes scared and selfish "fighting for their corner". Fingers crossed zippy will avoid it.
PS. Zippy , in all fairness I think this attempt at division of assests and debts is a bit too soon for you. I understand your ex tries to push it asap - he is scared and tries to sort it to see what he left with. Do not be rushed because as I see it raises your back hair up, tell him you will think about it and take a few months getting used to new life/crunching numbers, getting enough months with your salary going in for any rent/mortgage applications . You got the job extremely quickly , that is where rushing should stop and you get used to your new life. Then hopefully you will feel less hurt and confrontational. Your ex will be in limbo in a bedsit while you doing so but he should understand he can not expect you to jump when he says so and that it is not you stalling with a purpose to hurt him but you taking time to consider your options so that you play fair and neither go gun blazing nor become a doormat and say yes to all.(although by me what he offered is ok/ish, why is it ok for him to take mortgage/live in a bedsit but not for you?)
Pp
PPS. Your relatives , specially dad see you hurt and understandably want to protect you and become hostile to your ex and willing to throw money at solicitors; it is how they show they care. It may translate into "we will fight no matter what" which is not going to be good. Up to you to reign them in . Very right to do house valuation, you need numbers.

annandale

He's not moved out yet. Why would she change the locks at this stage?

Ames

I'm sorry, but there's some really bad advice here.

I haven't read all the thread, just the first couple of weeks and the last page, but does he definitely have a 'floozy' or does he have a friend who's helping him? ISTR the friend is a lesbian in a relationship?

annandale

No, he doesn't have a floozy. Someone on the thread can't seem to process the information on the screen in front of him. I said earlier on in the thread that someone was giving terrible advice, I got threatened with being reported for saying that.

The daughter is also only 16, why would the house be sold at this stage?

kelpie35

Zippy I think you are now seeing how your OH is trying to control you.

I get the feeling from your last update that you are becoming a much stronger person. Well done.

Make sure you get your wages paid into your own bank account and not a joint one.

As for the debts if you are not named on them it is not your responsibility to pay them. I know you have said that you owe some of the money but at the moment your income is much less than your OH's.

Make sure that you inform your utilities company of change of name from the date that he moves out and ask them to send the final bill to him. You will need to give them your meter readings when you contact them. Do the same for all other bills in his name.

That is excellent news about the bowling night, I hope you really enjoy it.

justme111

kelpie35 wrote: »

.

As for the debts if you are not named on them it is not your responsibility to pay them.

.

All assets and debts come to the same pot which is then divided. The above is plain wrong both legally and morally

thorsoak

Zippy - so the waters are clearing now, and you are beginning to see what you are up against ....I know some people are adamant that the friend is a lesbian - because he said so - but as I said, earlier on, it's an excuse I've heard used, many many times!

But you are sounding strong and you are handling things well - good to have the support of your dad and your sister.

Might I suggest that you follow the long saga of JackRS - see here :- https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4556575

It's the saga which is the mirror to your story - Jack's wife was taking him to the cleaners, how much he had to give up/including relationships with his two children. Might give you some support.

zippy1997

Thanks for all comments.
I won't be bullied into selling the house (yet) by OH. No matter what he wants, DD is only 16 and still has to sit her AS and then A-levels. I feel disrupting that would only cause issues. I will consider selling when DD is 18 and not before. If OH can't see why I'm suggesting this then there's no hope.

Yes the friend is a lesbian. FB proves she has a GF etc... She seems to be the only friend he has, I just think he's weak at the moment and being pushed by her. Obviously his choice but I won't be pushed around by either of them. Not now.

My wages are being paid into my bank account. His wages have been moved to his bank account and he'll pay a lump sum for the bills/debts to be paid into the joint account. I will be talking to the bank about the overdraft.

Won't be changing the locks no. I can't do that - financially and legally.

If OH stops paying the mortgage that's where his credit rating will be shot. As the bills are being changed into my name then if he stops and I can't pay I'm the one who is screwed. He has yet to confirm if anything has changed.

I summarised the best bits of his email #2 to be fair. His tone is very patronising the whole way through. I feel he wants this sorted ASAP and will try every tactic to get that. But I will not be pushed. I want to take at least 6 months of peace and calm and then we can talk again. I will be going through a solicitor to sort that out. If we talk it will only escalate and we won't get anywhere. Plus he'll think I'm just being difficult for the sake of it.

I want the debts to be paid as much as he does. More so actually, I've been trying for years to try to sort them out but he hasn't been interested.... that bit !!!!es me off to be honest. All the times I've suggested getting proper help and he's brushed me off. As most are in his name I couldn't do anything about it other than try budgeting and 0% deals where possible.

House valuation #1 this morning. Exactly what I thought, about 60k more than what OH thought. Although where OH was looking for his 'valuation' is a mystery!

My Dad won't be throwing money at solicitors as such no, he has offered to help pay for them (with me paying him back at some point). When he moves he will have money left over as he's downsizing so will keep some back for me, as and when I need it. Depending on what OH and I decide obviously.

I don't want this to get messy but I won't be pushed into things either. OH took this decision and has to understand it can't go all his way time-wise. HE decided on a separation, HE decided when he moved out. This can't be rushed IMO. Nothing wrong with having time-frames but they have to be realistic time-frames. We've made mistakes in the past by rushing into things. I won't be doing that here.

I do know that I have to look for either another part time job to take my hours past 30 (for any working tax credits once DD is 18) or a full time job. Depending on what I want to do will depend how easy that all is! I think I will love being independent. The feeling of having my own pay check is good too. May only be small right now but it'll get bigger over time!