Stepson's girlfriend

AylesburyDuck

I'll be honest, the punch i might have bit my tongue and let slip (being a first offence and not being sure), but the kick after an effing and blinding tirade, they both would have know instantly that i'd seen it becaue she would have instantly been bellowed at.
I wont help enable people when it comes to violence.

Knightsuntold

whitewing wrote: »

I think you should tell him that you felt her behaviour was unacceptable.

Me too. It's just a question of how, and when.

Knightsuntold

AylesburyDuck wrote: »

I'll be honest, the punch i might have bit my tongue and let slip (being a first offence and not being sure), but the kick after an effing and blinding tirade, they both would have know instantly that i'd seen it becaue she would have instantly been bellowed at.
I wont help enable people when it comes to violence.

Difficult one. They were half way across the carpark, and I didn't want to make it worse. I've never been one for massive showdowns in public. I've got to admit that I'm worried that if I say something, he will choose to defend her, and I will end up with a rift with my stepson - I'm very aware that I'm not his natural mum, and I'm lucky that he still wants me to be around. On top of that, if this woman is his choice for life (and the way he was looking at her, and the what he's putting up with, there's a good chance he thinks she is), I don't want to start off the wrong foot with her, and be branded as the mother-in-law from hell. When that happens, I don't think you truly ever get back from that point.

I will try to speak to him, but not when she's around.

paddy's_mum

I think in your shoes that I would be trying to find out if this was the first or only time and gauge my future attitude from that reply.

While not condoning what occurred, it is possible for a situation to arise where the pot boiled over from grievances earlier in the day, especially as they are both young.

If it becomes a continuing pattern of behaviour, all you can do is make clear that you will support him in whatever he needs until he makes up his mind whether this relationship has any future.

Volatility is not necessarily a bad thing, particularly if he is a bit too laid back at times, as it's often the fiery one who gets things done.

breaking_free

What worries me the most is that she had no qualms about doing this in public.

My ex hid his abuse behind closed doors. As I was too embarrassed and ashamed to let anyone know what was going on he became emboldened by my silence (HA! She's not going to tell anyone).

Eventually he went public with his abuse. In front of our downstairs neighbour he bragged about how he'd put a brick through my windscreen and laughingly told our neighbour how he'd firebomb my car next time I stepped out of line. (To this day I'm appalled that my neighbour didn't alert the police as it was so evident that I was broken and not capable of helping myself)

This woman hit your step son in public. How much has he been putting up with already that this woman is now bold enough to hit him in front of you?

In your shoes I would call him, tell him that you'll be there for him no matter what and that her actions are abuse - no ifs or buts about it. Tell him to Google Mensaid http://www.mensaid.co.uk/datopic.html

I wish somebody had stepped in and helped me sooner. I wish you all the best.

Mojisola

Knightsuntold wrote: »

My stepson is 24, a big lad, well over 6' and plays rugby. She is a little tiny, dot of a thing, petite and very pretty.

This doesn't mean anything.

A friend's brother is in an abusive relationship - they are similar in size to your stepson and girlfriend. That hasn't stopped her putting him in hospital several times with quite serious injuries.

He keeps going back to her because she has him believing that the attacks only happen because of things he has done so they are his fault, not hers.

annandale

Tiny and pretty women can abuse tall men.

If you don't intervene she could kill him. Sobering thought but true

Knightsuntold

Well, I met up with my stepson last night, and it's fair to say that I won't be winning any prizes for diplomacy, any time soon.

He didn't deny it, but he did say that it only happens when she's 'stressed', and she was 'stressed', because meeting the family was a big step for her. Apparently, she's 'lovely' for the rest of the time, and 'it didn't hurt, anyway'. I could have sat there and cried. Instead, I told him that it was common assault and I wasn't having it. I asked how he'd feel if he saw me do that to his dad, or to my current partner - would he just shrug it off then? He said it wouldn't, because I was better than that. I asked why it was ok for her to do it, but not me - no reply. I even said to him that if this relationship went the distance, and they had kids, what if she did it to them, because kids bring a huge amount of stress. He said that she wouldn't do it to her own kids, so I went back with 'but she would to the man she's supposed to love.' No reply.

He tried to explain it by saying that her dad left her mum for another woman, and she hates the other woman for taking her dad away. She doesn't understand how my stepson and I can be so close, even though she knows that I didn't even know his dad until a couple of years after his marriage breakdown, I said that if she was 15, that might carry some weight with me, but she's 25. We went round in circles after that. He didn't appreciate it when I referred to her as Tyson, and even less when I said that if it happened again, I'd do exactly the same to her, because apparently that's ok. As we left, we hugged each other, and I asked him to be careful, as I was pretty sure that she'd try and drive a wedge between us. I felt his posture change, and I'm bang on - she's already trying to. Apparently, our relationship is unhealthy, and I should have had no more to do with him, once I'd split with his dad.

Mojisola

Knightsuntold wrote: »

As we left, we hugged each other, and I asked him to be careful, as I was pretty sure that she'd try and drive a wedge between us. I felt his posture change, and I'm bang on - she's already trying to. Apparently, our relationship is unhealthy, and I should have had no more to do with him, once I'd split with his dad.

She'll find a reason for him to cut anyone supportive out of his life - that's how abusers work.

Unfortunately, until he wants to get out of the relationship, there's nothing anyone else can do. Just keep telling him that you will always be there for him.

whitewing

Well done for spelling out how you feel to him. So many people ignore unpleasant things.